This is going to be a long one...
I am a mum of two and until last year I genuinely thought I had a perfect marriage. To cut a very long story short, my illusion was shattered when I found out my husband had been having an affair with a colleague for two months. I felt absolutely broken; I have never known pain like it in my life before and I hope I never feel pain like that again.
I threw him out for a period of weeks but took him back on the obvious condition that he go no contact in so far as he could without jeopardising his job (this may seem a bit odd but he is a high earner who would struggle to make that money elsewhere and I was damned if I was going to end up poor because of his stupidity). I am pretty sure the OW does not know that I know and I want to keep it that way, for much the same reason. My children are young and I managed to hide all this from them, thank God. However having read all the advice on Mumsnet, I did confide in family and a close friend so I've had a lot of support.
While nothing can excuse what my husband did, I can't complain about any of his actions ever since. I know he has had no non-work contact with this woman as she sends him occasional emails saying that she misses him (he's given me access to all his emails and texts). I am confident his motivations were just sexual and that he doesn't have feelings for her... not that that is particularly great either, but at least it makes it easier to cut contact. He has made huge efforts to build trust again - cancelling all the work dos that she might attend, coming home much earlier than he used to (even pre-affair), allowing me to question him over and over, and showing signs of huge remorse... he's lost weight, he's not sleeping well, he can't tell me often enough how much he loves me and how stupid he's been. It's now five months and I cannot fault the efforts he has made. But I just can't trust him. I used to be such an open and trusting person. I was happy, I was confident, I was so proud to be married to him. Now I can't even think about our wedding day without getting upset. I am typing this now with tears rolling down my face at what I've lost. It's not even my marriage I am grieving for as much as my happy confident self, if you know what I mean... I used to be the kind of person who was very happy in her marriage but also felt OK (in principle) at the idea of being single. Now I only think that if we broke up I would never trust anyone else either. I feel like this affair, that I had no part in, that I never asked for or wanted in any way, has polluted my life.
In a very longwinded way, what I'm really asking for are success stories about how trust and confidence has been rebuilt in a marriage post affair. I really don't want to split up from my husband, for my own sake (trust me, I would never stay with him solely for the sake of the children). Fundamentally I do believe he is a good man who made a terrible mistake - I want to forgive him and move on. But it's so hard...