so angry- his family and OW

[avocadogreen]

For those who don't know back story- I found out 2 months ago about OW and kicked him out. Afterwards I did give him the opportunity to come back, we had a couple of weeks of him having 'space' to figure it out but ultimately he is now with her. He told me recently they are planning to move to London together (about 3-4 hours drive away)

Two things have now really pissed me off. I found out through mutual friends he has taken her to stay with his parents and also his sister. Then, while he was here seeing the kids he left his phone lying around. I saw messages to the OW basically gushing about how wonderful his mum thinks she is. And that his mum agrees it is 'time for Avocado to learn to stand on her own two feet' to which OW replied 'I wholeheartedly agree'. There were other texts between him and OW basically painting me as some needy vulnerable little sap who needed to 'learn to be independent'

I am just so angry, firstly that the inlaws, and his sister, who I have been confiding in a lot, should accept her so readily and secondly that he is giving off this impression of me as some vulnerable little woman who has been 'depending' on him.for too long. I am.the mother of his children, we were together for 15 years and I have sacrificed my career and taken various underpaid part time jobs for the sake.of the family..It feels.like he is rewriting history and they are all going along with it. He left me alone,.jobless, in a rented house in a new area and he wants to fuck off to London and people talk about it being good for me to stand on my own two feet?! What about his fucking responsibilities to the children? I can't understand why everyone seems to be ok with it! In the beginning his mum was texting and calling me a lot but strangely she has stopped now.

And yes for the record I am.standing on my own two feet and I have already got myself a job and will be supporting the children on my own. No fucking thanks to him.

I am.just so angry

And you have every right to be.

You will be able to sleep at night knowing you did nothing wrong. I wouldn't be bothering with his family any more and get on to solicitors for a divorce asap and csa for maintenance. Ignore the twat. Might be tempted to send him a text though..

Oh man that would really grip my shit. Am so sorry you are being subjected to this. You really are well rid of him. Be glad he is fucking off to London. You are gong to be ok.

I'd have "accidentally" dropped his phone in the toilet after texting his new woman. Dump the bastard and get a divorce but your kids deserve support so get as much money as possible from him in child support.

ah the old re-writing history chestnut. You can tell a lot about how they see their future by how they re-write the past.

I've read your original thread and have been through something very similar to you. My ex husband also introduced his young girlfriend to his family and they accepted her without question despite the fact she's helped break up a family with 4 young children. Her family also think it's all fine. I've dealt with it by focusing on the people who have shown themselves to be loyal. These people are not worthy of your valuable thoughts. Focus on yourself and your children. His family sound as shallow as he 's proved to be. I know it hurts. I felt as if I was just being wiped out of his life and replaced by a "better" option. It's not true though. You're worth so much more than him and his family. Let the other woman enjoy their shallow affections. They've shown how meaningless they are.

I can understand why you would feel so angry. Your ex is telling himself a version of the story which will allow him to justify what's happened. I imagine the OW is doing the same. You know the truth. What he and the OW think (or rather what they collude in) doesn't matter. The key now is to detach detach detach (so much easier said than done, I do know . No more text checking. No more FB stalking etc. However unfair it is, you WON'T feel any better from contacting him, other than to make arrangements with kids.

It's also really hurtful when the in laws seem to take sides. Do you have any family of your own you can confide in? However nice the ILs are, they can't be neutral in all of this.

I'm really sorry this is happening. I do understand. All I can say is it WILL get better. Your life will get better. You will get through it and you'll be amazed in a few months time and realise how far you've come.

Avacado it's a classic tactic on your SBXH to justify his affair and his shit treatment of you. There is no way he will say you are nice, reasonable and amicable person because then he will be seen as that twat he is for doing the dirty on you.

What about having another chat to his mum to find out what she actually thinks? SBXH is going to wax lyrical to the OW about how wonderful his family think she is even if its all a pack of lies. (And let's face it you already know he's good at lying).

So sorry they've done this to you. But now you know how the land lies, dump the lot of them, they do not deserve an ounce of your brain space.

Get on with your divorce and getting what's due to you, surround yourself with people that care for you and your children because with there attitude clearly they aren't to worried for your kids so a bit of distance there wouldn't hurt.

Take Care of yourself and your little ones.

So sorry OP what a total sickener for you. All I can say is you can now see the people your inlaws really are - they are not the kind of people you need in your life. My inlaws completely cut me off after I ended my marriage to their abusive son - I had a very close relationship with my MIL, in fact I defended her many times when my Ex slagged her off or was rude to her. My counsellor made me see that it was their loss and it's the same for you. You are the decent one here and deep down his family must know what he has done is disgusting but unfortunately blood is thicker than water (in most cases) Stay strong and stick with your loyal circle

On one level, we all know that blood is thicker than water. But that doesn't make it any less of an unwelcome shock when you see what that looks like in action.

Rant here. It's a horrible situation.

But these people are your DCs blood relatives. You will need to find a modus vivendi.

So sorry you are being treated like this. I may be wrong about this but I think you will get a better deal for your kids if you sort out finances asap before he has an expensive other home to maintain and someone else putting their nose too far in. Count the people who care andtry not to let the shallow ones hurt you.

They're his family. They have the choice of believing their son/brother is an arsehole or believing that he had his reasons/was in a dead relationship. Most families will side with blood.

Please find better people to confide in and get legal advice if you haven't already.

Reading this brings back plenty of memories for me all you can do is hold your head high and move on. I did and 5 years on life is really quite good. The people I lost along the way were replaced by really good new friends and a lovely dp.

It sucks to be portrayed unfairly and in a way you can't control but if you can't let it go, the bitterness will eat you up. Counselling helped me immensely.

Please make sure your children get all they are entitled to from him.

Well, it's obvious who is the source if both xMIL and OW are free enough to be texting like this. You don't know what he's said - or, well, you do know what he's said because this is the evidence. He's probably done the whole works - tears, sorrow, angst. Oscar stuff. Then the revelations, torn out of him (he will put on a show of finding it difficult to betray you) to elicit their sympathy and, ultimately, support. All bollox, all to paint himself as the poor put-upon husband instead of the skank who looked elsewhere and leapt.

Must hurt like billyo though. What a skanky shit he is.

Oh mate. That's just unbelievable!

I think you should really distance yourself from the in laws.

Her everything your children are entitled to from him.

Rise above it all (so much easier said than done).

Focus on yourself and the kids and your next steps.

thank you all, you are right I know. I just can't believe what has happened to the man I married. And I have been SO reasonable, telling mutual friends I don't expect them to take sides. Now I think fuck that, take sides! I am torn between calling his mum and being all sweetness and light, or going totally non contact with them. And his sister, who has been so supportive, visiting me and agreeing on what a twat he is being... god it hurts.

I'd go no contact, anything you say to them will be twisted by his version of reality and they want to believe him because they don't want to believe he can be a cunt.

Stop being reasonable and act in the best interests of your children and only in the best interests of your children. If an action will be beneficial to them but act in his detriment, tough you made the sacrifices when you had them and as a responsible parent he should be prepared to cop a few too regardless of your relationship status.

How bloody awful OP, what a complete shit he is.

Also it must feel like a double blow that the MIL and his sister seem so ready to welcome the OW into the fold.

I really feel for you. I don't have any useful advice (sorry) other than hold your head up, be the better person who doesn't have to tell lies to justify their shitty behaviour.

It must be so hard not letting on that you know what's being discussed but this is his family and as painful as it must feel they're always going to support their own.

Just make sure you hold firm and get everything you're entitled to!

They've been a bit short-sighted really, haven't they? If your ex is moving 3-4 hours away, aren't the ILs going to be relying on you to facilitate contact with the grandchildren? They might be better off keeping you on side.

Not nice to hear. Yes, its the old rewriting history thing.

It is truly awful what you have discovered and what you are going through and you have my utmost sympathy. But although he is a Rat, he is their son/ brother. The situation is very difficult for them as well , as they would not by choice want to take sides. What you discovered was not meant for your eyes and as two faced as they seem they will still love your children and from what you have said they have been supportive of you. So please do not go NC. With your in laws. This new relationship may not last anyway and your children need their Gran and Aunt.

it gets worse... H has been staying in the house for a few days while me and the kids were away. I let him have a key so he could feed the pets and I said he could stay on the sofa bed if he wanted as he is currently sleeping on the floor at a friend's and I was feeling (momentarily) amicable. And he is still paying
the rent after all.

I just logged on to the laptop- he had left his email open. As he has gmail, any photos he takes on the phone also sync to his g+ account automatically, so I could see them too. Photos of OW and his mum (who looked v uncomfortable at least). And photos of OW cooking- in MY kitchen!!! I was so mad. I had specifically said if he stayed over he should categorically not let her stay, I made him promise. Not that his word means anything, I should have realised that.

I have sent her an email I always swore I wouldn't stoop so low but I couldn't stop myself. Saying how dare she come into my home, and cook a meal surrounded by photos of my children. And that she is welcome to him, they deserve each other but that I will always fight for what is best for my children and she should never forget that.

Then I texted his mum and sister to say they can go to hell. Must admit it felt good to get angry and do something about it.

By the way, when I said non contact I meant just me. I won't stop them seeing the kids if they want to,.but I am not going to call or contact them.

Wow firstly I want to concur with what everyone has said so far. That must be extremely painful. It's so unfair- no matter what your relationship with your STBXH ever was or is, you have brought their grandchildren into the world and devoted a huge amount of time as a part of each other's lives... Something that deserves more than an inkling of respect. The OW has some bloody front coming into your home!!! But what more would you expect from such a class act. She'll get what's coming her way don't worry. As will your stbx. I am really appalled that your IL's would find it appropriate to welcome OW! And to stab you in the back by putting you down... No words.

I usually wouldn't advocate emails or text messages but in this case i was doing a little dance inside. Hoorah! How's that for 'vulnerable'?!... Bunch of arseholes.

Hold your head up avocado. You are the only one showing an ounce of dignity here.