so angry- his family and OW

[avocadogreen]

For those who don't know back story- I found out 2 months ago about OW and kicked him out. Afterwards I did give him the opportunity to come back, we had a couple of weeks of him having 'space' to figure it out but ultimately he is now with her. He told me recently they are planning to move to London together (about 3-4 hours drive away)

Two things have now really pissed me off. I found out through mutual friends he has taken her to stay with his parents and also his sister. Then, while he was here seeing the kids he left his phone lying around. I saw messages to the OW basically gushing about how wonderful his mum thinks she is. And that his mum agrees it is 'time for Avocado to learn to stand on her own two feet' to which OW replied 'I wholeheartedly agree'. There were other texts between him and OW basically painting me as some needy vulnerable little sap who needed to 'learn to be independent'

I am just so angry, firstly that the inlaws, and his sister, who I have been confiding in a lot, should accept her so readily and secondly that he is giving off this impression of me as some vulnerable little woman who has been 'depending' on him.for too long. I am.the mother of his children, we were together for 15 years and I have sacrificed my career and taken various underpaid part time jobs for the sake.of the family..It feels.like he is rewriting history and they are all going along with it. He left me alone,.jobless, in a rented house in a new area and he wants to fuck off to London and people talk about it being good for me to stand on my own two feet?! What about his fucking responsibilities to the children? I can't understand why everyone seems to be ok with it! In the beginning his mum was texting and calling me a lot but strangely she has stopped now.

And yes for the record I am.standing on my own two feet and I have already got myself a job and will be supporting the children on my own. No fucking thanks to him.

I am.just so angry

Avocado, I totally feel for you. You have every right to be off your rocker with anger and frustration.

When I split with Ex-P, he was in another country, and all our emails went to the same online inbox in the house where I was (only incoming, not outgoing.) Every time it pinged I saw he was communicating with his family about the split, and I witnessed all sorts of emails from his parents and his siblings describing me as having been "selfish and indulgent for long enough." And "it's gone on too long, her self-absorption and cruelty towards you." All this while they were ostensibly being nice to my face and emailing me themselves asking me how I was etc.

I realised that ultimately, parents stick by their kids no matter what their kids have done. It is their internal family understanding that whatever your ex-H says cannot be challenged for fear of upsetting the precarious family balance. His parents are probably too old at this point and want to keep on their son's good side, to want to cause any waves.

So what I'm saying is it's not about you, it's about them - and the justification they're all having to nod along to, wishing the result to be a peaceful life again after such a sudden and unexpected turn of events.

erm, not all parents stick by their kids 'no matter what they've done'. I'm not sticking with mine because they have been total shits. Yes, I'm the loser (so far) but I'm not going to be condoning their appalling behaviour. I'm still their mum and it's still my job to hold up a moral standard even if at the moment it is splattered all over my face . I could never condone bad behaviour no matter how old I am. What kind of 'peace' is it that upholds continued contact at the expense of the most basic morals? No, the reason they're supporting him, OP and Hedge, is because he has laid it on with a trowel, lied through his teeth to make him look like the good guy instead of the cheating scumbag.

Oh my god I am so angry on your behalf, how very dare they!! You were damn right sending that email bloody hell!!!! Nice few days away with the kids all your relaxation out the window as soon as you see that shit.

Remember the best revenge is to make a better life for you and the kids without him. Get support for them and a happy home life. If he can betray you he may do it again to OW. Forget his family they have taken sides. Good Luck with rebuilding your future. You are worth it.

This sounds absolutely awful. I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't think that you should have any contact with his family if you don't want to.

I just want to point out that, as far as I can tell, you just have OWs opinion on what MIL and SIL think. Obviously they haven't completely refused to meet her, but that doesn't mean they approve or are happy. They may be groping their way through a very difficult and confusing situation. SIL also may not be accepting OW at all (from what you said so far it is only MIL looking uncomfortable in a picture with her). OW wants to believe they all accept her, but she could be lying or deluding herself.

yeh, your mil is probably terrified she'll be cut off from the grandchildren, so she's probably afraid to breath in and out now.

fwiw, my x pils raced to believe that I was hysterical, emotional, depressed, demanding and chaotic when I left their son. Roll forward a few years though and the facts challenge the 'dissonance' or script they all lived by when I left.

I'm happy and working and the children are healthy happy and doing well at school. My x pil simply are not smart enough to feel ashamed of the way they judged me and treated me, and they've too little conscience to regret the dreadful things they said to me, they certainly won't have had an epiphany.

But I no longer care! I know that history has vindicated me if you like, so stay on course and you will feel that the passing of time vindicates you... your decisions prioritise the children and his prioritise his wallet / penis. (sorry) All of this is going to be even more obvious (to everybody, his parents included) the more time passes.

That's horrible. I would love to say she's clearly not someone you should care less about (tbh her opinions are worthless) but it's so hard to be living it. You are using a lot more restraint than I would.

I'm sorry to hear he is behaving so appallingly, and he is, trashing your boundaries like that.

I would: not let him in the house again. I know he pays rent, but its not his. The children can meet him outside.

I would answer all his texts with I wholeheartedly agree (or I wholeheartedly disagree). It would just please me somehow.

I wouldn't worry about his family. Time will heal this one. They are stuck in the middle, and I am sure they wouldn't want things this way. You did well to tell them how hurt you are. When there is next a birthday or something, maybe drop a line.

Keep on keeping on. Its brilliant you've found work and are holding things together so well. You should be really really proud of yourself.

He's put you in a horrible situation. He's a twat.

If it's the slightest consolation, his family may have very mixed feelings about it all. As he seems determined to make this acrimonious, they have had to pick a side, and he is their family.

I have a relative who's done this 3 times. He gets married, gets unhappy, lines up OW as replacement before leaving, we all get introduced to OW as new partner, life goes on. They have all been nice enough women and we've accepted them into the family and it's all hunky dory. But I've had a couple of quiet conversations with other family members, years after it's all happened, and we all secretly think he acted like an utter bastard. But there's nothing we could have done about the situation - he did what he did, we could take it or leave it. His family may be publicly supporting him as they don't have a lot of choice, but have very different feelings in private.

lol at replying to the next text "I wholeheartedly agree/disagree"
Ha!

Appalling - she came in your house and started cooking when you were out? What the……..? The 'wholeheartedly agree' comment was pompous enough, but coming in your house????

Good for you emailing her and his parents. What a bunch of ………...

oh poor you,

i was fortunate enough to have pil who sat me down and said, 'you will always be our sil' and they have kept to it. It meant an awful lot to me. They do see my ex and the OM but really what else could they be expected to do??

This is horrible. Yet I have read on Relationships before now how sometimes it's the duped DW whose family tell her she must have mucked things up and rush to the defence of their son-in-law so nothing amazes me any more.

OP the 'stand on her own two feet' comment would have had me raging but OW making herself at home .... your ex is deplorable.

And not only did she do that, he thought it was soo cute that he couldn't resist taking a photo of her doing it. He really is a chump.

I'm sorry you are going through this op.

WTF.... coming into your home... how appalling are they???

Just hold your head up high, these people aren't worth your time and energy. And good for you for emailing her. What a seriously disgusting piece of work they both are.

Just on the comments about ex's families and the OWs. My ex and his OW behaved as appallingly as yours. His family (who are in another country) were devastated and disgusted with them both, and told him so very clearly. Sadly, I had to go no contact with them several years ago because of his threats, but they still continued to refuse to meet or accept the OW. It took over 8 years before exMIL met her, and that basically was only because he flew over with OW and took her to stay with exMIL without telling her. ExMIL is now in her eighties and presumably very upset by it all.

Good luck for the future, there is light at the end of the tunnel and a much better life for you out there.

What a twat! My ex ditched me for an OW 4mths before the wedding, within a week ow had stayed over at his parents house with him and he took her to a wedding that I was meant to attend with him as his +1, even to this day (15 years later) that still pisses me off!!

Like someone said though, successfully getting on with your life is the best revenge.

Words fail me at this point!

I'd be incandescent with rage and probably stopping your IL's (and SIL) from seeing the kids) but that's childish.... and won't help long run.

My dad and his family were stopped from seeing my brother and I after my parents divorced but that was because my dad's DP tried apparently to kidnap and turn my half brother against his mother... My mum when she got divorced just said I want the house, no maintenance and limited contact (dad was alcoholic).

I agree with others though, rise above it and get on with your life.

I'm not sure if he can actually do that without your consent, it depends on the age of the children, but contact will be very difficult.

My god, Avocado, you have every right to feel furious - I read both your original post and the update, and how dare he bring her into your home!

The only thing I'd say to be cautious of is believing anything he says, either to the OW, to you or to your ex-PILs. You say your ex-MIL looked uncomfortable in the photo - I bet she did. You hold the cards as regards her grandchildren, and it's just possible she may not believe every pearl that drops from the lips of her precious child about how wonderful OW is and how awful you are.

(I am very, very lucky to have a SIL who defended me to my MIL when I left my arse of an ex. My MIL had been told by my ex how rubbish I was, but she and I get along fine.)

Avocado i am so sorry at this turn of events. I posted on your first early hours thread. You have come such a long way in such a short time. This latest abhorrence must feel really really shit. He is a cunt. She is no better. That is beyond doubt.

I guess it must be no more mr nice guy. Dig deep and try hard to detach. I applaud your comms with his family. Now cut them loose for the foreseeable. It must hurt to see the duplicity so starkly but at least you know. Reveal nothing of your thoughts and plans to his family.

I know you have friends. Ask for their support as much as you need. He is the long term loser and you will look back on this time from a place of calm and happiness. You just will.

thank you all.. yes I was a bit WTF that he took an actual photo of her cooking in our kitchen I guess it's cos they are, like, soooo in love.

Development- he texted this morning asking what the hell I was doing texting his family. So I told him about the photos. He actually said it's not their fault, it was awkward and he made them... different story to what he told OW! He doesn't realise I saw his phone. He also apologised for bringing her to the house but says he 'meant no harm' and that it is his house too as he still pays the rent. For fucks sake.

I also had a text from his sister saying don't blame them, they are stuck in an awkward situation that they have no control over and that it was horrible and awkward to meet her. I replied that they are not in control of his actions but they are in control of their own words and actions, and that accepting OW into their homes is validating what he has done.

Feel better for that! No reply from email to OW, didn't expect one, but interestingly H has not mentioned it either which makes me think she hasn't told him yet.

Spent afternoon searching on rightmove for a new house to rent that is mine all mine...

I'd try and make an ally of his sister, Avocado, not least because it will a) make your life easier, and b) piss him off mightily!

the thing is I thought she was an ally...I have known her for 15 years and we always got on well. Now I feel I can't trust her. MIL never liked me really so I am less surprised about her, though I thought we had bonded over the kids in recent years.

He has disrespected you by bringing her into your home although after running off with her what can you expect. Thumbs up for finding a new house for you and the kids hope that you find the prefect home for the start of your new life.
Personally I would be careful of his family and keep some distance for the moment, although have to say I do like your texts to his sister at least they know what your stance is.
OW is a how dare she think she has the right to enter your home what a B. Your ex has picked a right one there.
So sorry that you are having to go through this.