Sick of DH:- we're not compatible and I'm not desparate enough to be patient anymore

[herethereandeverywhere]

I'm sick of DH being lazy around the house and not defending me when his mum and sister are sh*tty to me. Of not being respectful of me views (I'm atheist and wouldn't lie to be a godparent, for instance. He never gives me a straight answer, just lets me know I'm the one with the problem. Would I be worse off if divorced? What's the worst that can happen? Money/house/holidays/kids. C'mon Mumsnet I'm sick of this. How bad can divorce be?

I will offer one last word of advice in case you decide to stay. If he does make an effort with domestic chores, praise him to the skies for helping you. "Oh THANK YOU for doing 'xyz'. It really helped me a lot!" kind of crap. It's stupid and we shouldn't have to do it because no one praises us for emptying the dishwasher. But when DH & I went to counseling I was told that if I wanted it to continue I'd treat him like a 3 year old and praise him for pitching in. It irritated me but I did it & it worked. Eventually you taper off to occasional 'Oh how wonderfuls'. Kind of like training a dog .

And can you love or respect a grown man that is a cross between a toddler and a dog....?

Well, to a certain extent we train others how to treat us over the years. If you want to change that behaviour, you have to retrain them. I had also 'trained' my DH to expect that I would do 100% of the home duties even though we both worked full-time. Don't ask me how it evolved that way, possibly because both our mums were sahms & that's what we saw growing up. Anyway, resentment built on my part plus some other shite brought us to the brink & counseling worked for us. It's not enough to just announce 'I'm not doing xyz any more, you do it'. It's a gradual process.

I don't think we train people to expect that we do everything.
We end up doing everything because they leave it all to us. Often without us noticing, and we do things because they need to be done.
We can keep challenging them, or even rewarding them, but we only need to slip up and they will take advantage again.
Not sure if that's what a partner is supposed to be.

Even today someone told a friend that it was her fault that her (abusive) H didn't make dinner. I had to tell them that it was all his fault, not hers.

It's an issue of habit. We fall into habits that are hard to break, whether it's doing it all or letting someone else do it all. In essence, that habit 'trains' us/our partner to expect/do certain things. You have to break the habit (i.e. 'train' them) in order to make the change. And the change can be a permanent one, although none of us is perfect & we can all slip up at times. DH had to learn to share in household duties, I had to learn not to follow him around and 'correct' the way he did things.

Whoever told your friend that is an idiot. An abusive spouse is a separate case entirely. You can't train a mad dog.

So, considering that you do 99% of everything, and earn 60k part time, which wont be enough, do you really think you will be better off doing 100% of it all, and work full time to make ends meet?

How exactly will your life improve by divorcing him?

I think you need to think seriously what is best for you, see a solicitor. I imagine you are going to go for spousal maintenance considering his high salary to avoid having to work full time?

How exactly will your life improve by divorcing him?

by having one less adult to clean after
by having time off when he looks after the kids
by being able to have control over your household

(that list is from my experience)

if OP's DH would pay for the mortgage she is going to be able to live off her salary in London.

Quint sometimes it's easier to do 100% on your own, knowing it's all your job than it is to do 99% knowing that there is someone else who should be doing 50%.

Yes I get that Acrosstheponds. But at the same time, she only works part time now and struggle to get everything done, so just wondering if it will be worse to also work full time, if that is what OP is planning. A full restructure and rethink of everything is needed, I think.

I agree with the PP that it's not about the workload per se. When you're meant to be in a team of 2 and one isn't pulling their weight, the workload is made 10x worse by resentment. When you're in a team of 1 and responsible for all the work, there is no resentment and it feels easier.

Besides which, in the event of a divorce, shared parenting means that the lazy NRP ex would be responsible for 100% of the work up to 50% of the time.

I think it would be good if you could carve out some time for yourself at the weekend - maybe a tennis lesson on Sunday mornings, some reason why you have to go out & leave him with them. If you join a group activity you'll be able to have coffee with some of them afterwards and get some space at the weekend. When our children were younger I used to go out from 7-10 on Sunday nights, DH had to put DCs to bed & fend for himself & I had some adult time before the start of the week. I was the only person who was married with DCs so it was very liberating, no talk about DCs, schools, babysitters etc.

This is an interesting one for me, as my situation has some similarities - v high earning DH, some ongoing marital issues. We too have come close to splitting up. I think a high household income can cloud decision making, as the choices are so stark.

But, I think that the differences are that there is more remaining feeling between us, that I don't mind some of the domestic chores (though like you, there is a bit of imbalance), love being around for my son and I really enjoy my work/studies and times as a family.

But I am feeling a lack of pleasure/enjoyment in your life?

I think that you need to use your high household income to alleviate some of this while you spend a few months having a good think about your options.

Cleaner twice or possibly three times a week
Recruit a nanny now, not later
Take a course or go away for a weekend by yourself
Individual counselling
Relationship counselling

You have dropped the 'D bomb', so your Dh can't really argue about you taking steps to improve things.

It's kinda of interesting how the money seems to come into play. Would we be screaming LTB if there wasn't such a 'cushy' lifestyle at stake? Certainly the pain of feeling unappreciated & marginalized is the same in a mansion or a mud hut. I've seen similar complaints in threads from women who don't have OP's resources & income & it seems like they are encouraged to leave. Maybe it's just that OP has more ability to carve out more of a 'separate but equal' life for herself whilst living in the same home as her unappreciative H.

Just IMHO

If anything, I think people who have the 'cushy lifestyle' should be encouraged to LTB more often. Women in low income households often justify staying in crappy relationships because they don't have the wherewithal to set up independently and they genuinely fear poverty. But there's just as many (possibly more) women in high income households who justify sticking around for similar reasons, even if the numbers are higher. Must be awful to realised you're pimping yourself out to some miserable husband for a Volvo estate and a fancy post-code....

Leaving a relationship is very hard for a lot of reasons other than money.

Cogito - IMHO a bit too strong word "pimp out", I think everyone has their own reasons why they stay in a relationship or go.

Strong? Really? What would you call it if someone carries on being in a relationship with someone they don't like simply because they don't want to give up the cash and the lifestyle?...... :)

I think people fear leaving relationships because they fear loss, full stop, and the lifestyle represents or is part of that loss, or is security, it is a home, it is children's environment, it is a proxy for many things. I doubt that many women who are well off and would like to leave their marriage but feel that they can't, if given the choice of a life in which they are worse off, but it is guaranteed that they and their children are happy, would choose the money. And if they did, I think that would be their business (only speaking about the ones who don't come onto MN to invite opinion, of course, I hear there are some ). We all have our reasons to marry or be in a relationship. Mine isn't money, far from, but I'm in a glass house so won't throw stones...

Insecurity,fear of unknown, depression, co-dependency - and few more described on this thread already.

I don't want to derail this thread but for those well off, poor and anyone in-between underlying reasons are often the same.

I too find 'pimping out' very offensive.

I still love my husband on many levels, despite our difficulties. I also want to stay together as a family. But I am also aware that if in our current situation my child has access to many advantages (discussed all the time on MN). But if were to go it alone the future would be much less predictable - see constant MN threads on ex-husbands failing to keep contact arrangements, let alone paying maintenance!

Pimping out? No, not at all. I, too, think that's kind of harsh. The days of a woman 'selling herself into marriage' to avoid starvation went out with the horse & buggy. If the love is gone it's simply a matter of economics and personal decision; "What is it worth to me to keep my/my children's lifestyle (if I so choose) and can I carve myself out a fulfilling life?". Abuse? No. Gambling/risking financial failure? Being treated like a slave? No. Infidelity or 'neglect'? Another story, imho, and strictly up to the individual. I wouldn't criticize anyone as long as their children were safe and happy and they, themselves, were satisfied with their decision.

OP needs to know that her decision is hers. And as long as she's considering the welfare of her children (and I'm sure she is), then I support her.

I think it would be nearly impossible to decide to stay IF you still loved your spouse. It would be too soul stealing to see the infidelity or be ignored. But once the love is gone, it would be like living with a slightly annoying roommate.

To clarify; I support OP in going or staying. My post sounded as if she had made up her mind to stay & she hasn't voiced a decision yet.

OK maybe I was being deliberately provocative by using the phrase 'pimping yourself out' but we're pretty quick to point the finger at 'gold-diggers' who hang out with wealthy men/women they don't like because they want the lifestyle. Yes it is an individual decision and someone might decide they can put up with a hell of a lot for the sake of the school fees and the John Lewis card, but I maintain that it is a big source of depression, knowing that they are selling themselves very cheaply.

I guess I differentiate between someone who deliberately and coldly seeks out a rich person solely for the lifestyle and to raise their social status and someone who entered a relationship based on love that has gone wrong but still wants to maintain their status quo.

Gold diggers sell themselves cheaply. The spouse who decides to stay, IMHO, pays a great price, but both think it's worth it. I'm glad I've never been in either position.

Oh purlease. Spoilt little rich wife. My single mother had four kids and a senile grandmother to look after under one roof and worked full time on a lot less money than your single part time wage! Obviously she did 100% of the housework. She never claimed a penny in benefits and got on with it.

You've got the resources to hire help. Yet you whine and complain. He works full time doesn't he ? Cogs right if you don't love your husband, you are pimping yourself out for a John Lewis card. You have more choices than many poor women. Did someone suggest you ease the pain of being unloved by a tennis lesson!

Talk about first world problems!