Sick of DH:- we're not compatible and I'm not desparate enough to be patient anymore

[herethereandeverywhere]

I'm sick of DH being lazy around the house and not defending me when his mum and sister are sh*tty to me. Of not being respectful of me views (I'm atheist and wouldn't lie to be a godparent, for instance. He never gives me a straight answer, just lets me know I'm the one with the problem. Would I be worse off if divorced? What's the worst that can happen? Money/house/holidays/kids. C'mon Mumsnet I'm sick of this. How bad can divorce be?

[Monty27]

My dh (while I was on maternity leave with 2 dc's under 3, one newborn) got me a cleaner then brought a young woman au pair round who was keen to take over here, while all the time I just wanted us to be a family.

He was absolving himself by throwing money at the problem because he didn't want to do it.

Dc2 wasn't even two when we separated. F the f off with your absolving yourself from family responsibility ime and imho!

[Ledkr]

Outsourcing isn't always the answer either.
My best friend has four dc and is married to a consultant neurologist.
He's at work all the time and on the rare occasions he's there is pretty useless.
She gets very offended at the suggestion that she pays for help. She says she doesn't necessarily want strangers looking after her children or cleaning her house.
Yiu can't outsource helping with homework or cooking tea or taking four kids to different hobbies.
I only work part time but that's because of childcare, I don't see the running of the house and our lives as my some responsibility simply because I'm here 20 more hrs than he is.
The ops dh would presumably have to do some of these things for himself if he didn't have a wife and kids.

[Lweji]

I was watching the US version of Dragons' Den yesterday and one of them was not shy of saying that he did his own laundry. I'm sure he earns more than a few hundred thousand per year.

As for London, I'm letting my old 2.5 bed, terraced, 1930s house, zone 6, not particularly nice area for £1200 pcm.
A small purpose built one bed flat in zone 3 was sold in 2007 for £190000.

London is not cheap. I was in a £44000 salary and did not feel well off.

[rootypig]

A planet named London, broken, and you have to live there to earn that sort of money.

The OP has explained the cost of her mortgage, what on earth is so difficult to understand??

[AcrossthePond55]

So whether 1 person earns millions and the other parents at home, that doesn't matter because the time spent doing those are equal contributions to the family. This is it in a nutshell. This is the way it should be.

OP's contributions enable her H to earn what he earns. He doesn't appear to value that as highly as he should do. Plus I think he has emotional issues involving his family & the way he was raised that contribute to his inability to empathize & express emotion. I don't necessarily think he doesn't love OP, I think he's just mirroring his own upbringing. (Takes off amateur psychologist hat, I watch too much Dr Phil, lol).

My advice is:

1- Try to get H to couples counseling, even if he thinks she's the 'problem'. My own DH thought that but he soon realized that the problem was him (well, I needed a little adjustment, too).

2- If he refuses, go alone to help you decide if you can carve out a satisfying life for yourself whilst living in the same home.

3- If not, LTB.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

I think it's about not feeling loved.

And resentment is a killer too.

Basically, whatever each person in a partnership does/earns, they are entitled to equal free time. So whether 1 person earns millions and the other parents at home, that doesn't matter because the time spent doing those are equal contributions to the family.

OP work out what free time you each get, and try to even that up. as a family, you can buy in help with that. But if 1 person has next to no free time and the other has lots, that's unlikely to work.

It doesn't solve the problem of him being a cold fish though. Sorry.

[Viviennemary]

I don't think I would leave right away in your position. I'd firstly do everything I could to make my own life easier and more pleasant. If I was still unhappy then there is no option but to leave. What is the point of being totally miserable.

[Mintyy]

OP, you can ask hq to remove Tellanova's disgusting post. Click on Report at the top right hand corner of the box.

Or you could leave it up to shame him/her .

[Mintyy]

I think you are extremely fortunate to have such a high joint income and that takes away a whole level of worry that other people who are about to divorce have to consider.

So I'd say go for it.

[Itsfab]

I do most children related things as I don't work but when DH is here he is 100% here. Does whatever needs doing and does the most he can. If someone works outside the home then does fuck all when they are here then that is not acceptable. It is all about what the do when they are there.

Between you you earn a lot of money. If you can't stay where you are then you will have to move like many other people. Staying together so you can have the help and someone to iron for you etc etc is ridiculous.

[Efferlunt]

Op I have similar issues about respect in my marriage. They get worse and you can't ignore them. We are well-off but tbh life is still constant work and organisation, having a demanding part time job and all the childcare is hard even with outsourcing. None of this would be easier if you got devorced it would be harder if anything but it's very hard to love someone who does not respect you and you need to work on why that is.

Granted you have more choices then most but hate the attitude that if other people are potentially worse off then you are not allowed to post and ask for advice ffs.

Lol at 'pimping yourself for a JL card' only on mumsnet!

[rootypig]

Tella you obviously have very exciting ideas about how to deal with spoilt people to share but you need to work out what people are talking about before you deliver your sermon.

[Lweji]

Tella, that is so not what I said.

[rootypig]

Tellanovella, tell yourself what you like. The OP has been honest about some of the advantages she enjoys in life. Hardly an ivory tower. Even if I believed in this tough love you're spouting - which I don't, because it's just rudeness - it is misdirected here.

let's focus on helping the OP make sense of her life, marriage and options without putting her down

Well said, Lweji

[Tellanovella]

Exactly there's always someone worse off! Tough love is needed at times to get things in perspective. Pandering doesn't always help people to take action. Especially if life isn't that unbearable.

[Lweji]

A mother worried that she may have to go to a refuge or a council home or live on benefits, or struggle with n children IS a first world problem. 3rd world mothers struggle with a lot more.
So let's focus on helping the OP make sense of her life, marriage and options without putting her down.

A reduction in lifestyle is worrying for anyone who has always lived in any way. Mothers always worry how that and splitting parents will affect the children. And that I can see how the OP feels undervalued when her oh refuses to do ANYTHING at home.

[Tellanovella]

TOUGH LOVE!

[Back2Two]

"you are pimping yourself out for a John Lewis card."

Kind and compassionate?

(I've got a john lewis card. Is that reet posh? It's got just as much interest to pay as a sainsbury's one)

[Tellanovella]

Yep and that too RPIG!

[rootypig]

My mother taught me compassion

Really??? Did she teach you basic kindness too?

[Tellanovella]

A first world problem is when you have the means to "hire help" to solve many of your issues, yet complain that you will have to be the one who interviews the potential staff as hubby works full time earning hundreds of thousands a year.

OP sounds like she cannot stand her husband and is just there for the lifestyle. That's just one of the many choices she has. Yes, I feel compassion for the OP that her marriage broke down. However many do day in day out and many of these women have a lot less choices than the OP and are in REAL desperate situations. They get on with it and do what's necessary.

By the way I'm sure most would rather be unhappy in a mansion. My mother taught me compassion, but she also taught me to see that there is always someone worse off than you, so you have to do your best to get on with it.

Granted I sounded like I was sneering, it's just that when you read some of the threads on Mumsnet, some women are in really awful and desperate situations with little choices and it puts some of the things I moan about into perspective. It teaches me to keep my pity party in check.

OP you have the chance to have a happy life, so grab it with both hands.

[Monty27]

Get rid of him and cut your cloth. That's a lot of money to live a decent life in an area you can afford.

FFS!!!!

[AcrossthePond55]

Tellanovela you can be just as unhappy in a mansion as in a one room flat. Don't dismiss another's pain just because of their economic level. A first world problem' is when the market is out of your favorite brand of brie cheese. The breakdown of a marriage, no matter how much money (or lack thereof) is involved is NOT a 'first world problem'. Rich hearts are just as easily broken as poor ones.

Your mother is to be commended for holding her family together in trying circumstances. And I'm sure she also taught you about compassion.

[rootypig]

Tellanovella, do you feel better? because I feel worse for reading what you have to say. Why leave such a sneering, dismissive post?