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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know how to talk to my dp about sex

54 replies

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 31/05/2014 23:17

And I know that makes me sound like an 18 year old but I don't.

Dp is lovely, we've been together 5 years and have a good life but not a good sex life.

Contraception is a bit of an issue (whole other thread and I'm researching options atm) as dp would like to go back to using withdrawal (I have a perfect 28 day cycling and we were happy pre ds but I can't fall pg atm - it would be disastrous) so we've settled on condoms which isn't ideal for either of us.

Things are hopefully getting back on track after a drought but sex has always been a bit samey and kind of silent. .. I need this to change.

We had a kiss and cuddle last night (no sex as I'm on and didn't fancy it) but I tried to start a bit of sexy chat Blush tmi I know - but there was no response at all, he just clammed up.

We both said a bit later it would be great to get some of the old passion back but, although we used to do it loads and really enjoy it there's never been any adventure.

I was lying desperately wanting to say I'd like to maybe try some toys or films but the words wouldn't come out!

It's ridiculous - I adore the man but this is (literally) frustrating the hell out of me!

Am I pathetic? Please teach me how to get a better sex life!

OP posts:
Batmam · 31/05/2014 23:21

Watching with interest!

Rewy · 31/05/2014 23:28

Send him a sexy text telling him what you would like to do to him Grin
Bet he will love it
Its a start

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/05/2014 23:29

Is it possible that he clammed up because he feared there might be some criticism coming up?

You've been together for five years but have never had a chat about the things you like, don't like and might consider trying? No wonder you've not had a good sex life and are thinking about toys. Until you've had The Chat or a number of them, I would defer mentioning anything about the toys. Sounds more like you need a competent/properly instructed lover rather than toys.

But if you're never going to gently bring up what you want/need you're never going to get it.

Original poster
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 31/05/2014 23:30

I've sent texts before saying 'you look hot today, can't stop thinking about you' and he texts back 'love you xx'

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 31/05/2014 23:32

Texting
Just try one thing at a time

When you say same do you mean foreplay? Sex? Or position?

What do you want to try?

Mail order something...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 23:32

Nothing is more likely to hurl cold water on sexual creativity than the other person 'clamming up' and going silent. You're just going to feel exposed and stupid..... which is precisely what happened. It's OK him saying he wants to get the passion back but it all seems to be on his terms at the moment.... the contraception method, the 'sameyness', the silence.... so you can add selfishness to the repression. If he's been like this for five years already, unless he finds a way to loosen up and be more considerate, this is as good as he gets.

getthefeckouttahere · 31/05/2014 23:32

Oh gosh, poor you, yes it does make you both sound terrifically immature. I can't really advise as I've never had this problem but is there a way that at least you could raise the fact that you both feel uncomfortable about talking about it and discuss ways around that? Counselling? Dunno, but this is sure to destroy yr relationship in the end imo. (or at the very least ensure that yr stuck in an unhappy one!)

Rewy · 31/05/2014 23:33

Hmmm tricky

ivykaty44 · 31/05/2014 23:33

Texting you look hot is unambiguous

Try something a little more risky....

ToAvoidConversation · 31/05/2014 23:39

Does he usually respond to sexy chat?

Original poster
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 31/05/2014 23:42

I don't think he's intentionally selfish (he was with his ex for a very, very long time and they had no sex life for the last couple of years) ao I think it's moee about habits

Honestly - we've never had the chat, I've never had the sex chat with any partner but I've never really needed to iyswim

I don't want it to turn into a massive big deal but would like to improve things without denting his confidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 31/05/2014 23:42

Good point ivy

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2014 23:49

I think you've spent five years trying to avoid the obvious conclusion that he's just a poor lover, sorry. As for bad habits, you'd think someone who had had a poor sex-life previously would be more enthusiastic and encouraging .... Hmm

Original poster
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 01/06/2014 00:01

Iwa to address our problem though, not slag him off. Irreally hope that's not how this sounds

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/06/2014 00:03

It's not our problem if only you are trying to do something about it. What concrete solutions or suggestions to invigorate your dreary sex life has he ever put forward?

Original poster
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 01/06/2014 00:06

Cogito I don't like your manner, I'm just after some advice, not an opportunity to bash dp.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/06/2014 00:17

I'm sorry if I've hit a nerve but I promise you I'm bashing no-one. What suggestions has he come up with? It's all very well people saying for you to send sexy texts etc but, if he's not engaged in the process and doesn't respond, you could end up feeling as big a fool as you did last time and just as frustrated. He has to unbend enough to at least talk to you.

Original poster
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 01/06/2014 00:23

He's not come up with suggestions because he doesn't really know there's a problem because 'I don't know how to talk to dp about sex'

OP posts:
MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 01/06/2014 00:24

Agree with Cogito. You cannot dance the tango alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/06/2014 00:27

So you think he's perfectly satisfied with your sex-life and/or has not picked up, in five years, that you're not getting much out of it?

Original poster
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 01/06/2014 00:32

I'm not getting into an argument over it with you. I love him and want to sort it out for both of us.

OP posts:
bobblehead · 01/06/2014 00:40

If it was me, I'd probably chat about it quite factually over a glass of wine or something in a non-sexual situation

e.g "dp, you know we were talking about getting the passion back, well what about trying x,y or z?"

ForeskinHyena · 01/06/2014 00:41

I read the other day that the withdrawal method (if used correctly and if you have a regular cycle etc) has a failure rate of 4%, condoms have a 2% failure rate when used correctly. Not much difference in fairness.

Not that I'm letting him off the hook, just putting it in perspective.

I agree with others, the problem isn't so much how do YOU talk to DP about sex, but how does HE talk to you about it. Unless he comes on here and asks us, we can't really help, other that. To suggest you put your feelings out there and risk him rebuffing your advances again, in which case you have to ask him why.

There's no substitute for clear communication, I know it's not easy when you're trying not to hurt someone's feelings, but unless you want to continue in the same way you have to learn to be more open, even if it makes you vulnerable.

Original poster
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 01/06/2014 00:48

Thanks foreskin - we are thinking about the contraception thing :-)

So do most couples openly talk about their sex lives? It's honestly not something I've ever done. Do I just need to get over myself and bring it up over the muesli??

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 01/06/2014 00:51

I have similar difficulty. It's like something blocks my throat and the words. Unfortunately it's got worse, as we have had discussions in the past when things were said that I have never been able to forget and our sex life has actually got worse as a result…

How about texting in bed? That way you can coach him through it a bit, and reward him by showing him how aroused you get when he spreads himself a little?

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