I don't know how to talk to my dp about sex

[BobPatandIgglePiggle]

And I know that makes me sound like an 18 year old but I don't.

Dp is lovely, we've been together 5 years and have a good life but not a good sex life.

Contraception is a bit of an issue (whole other thread and I'm researching options atm) as dp would like to go back to using withdrawal (I have a perfect 28 day cycling and we were happy pre ds but I can't fall pg atm - it would be disastrous) so we've settled on condoms which isn't ideal for either of us.

Things are hopefully getting back on track after a drought but sex has always been a bit samey and kind of silent. .. I need this to change.

We had a kiss and cuddle last night (no sex as I'm on and didn't fancy it) but I tried to start a bit of sexy chat tmi I know - but there was no response at all, he just clammed up.

We both said a bit later it would be great to get some of the old passion back but, although we used to do it loads and really enjoy it there's never been any adventure.

I was lying desperately wanting to say I'd like to maybe try some toys or films but the words wouldn't come out!

It's ridiculous - I adore the man but this is (literally) frustrating the hell out of me!

Am I pathetic? Please teach me how to get a better sex life!

I think lots of otherwise quite emotionally articulate individuals are terribly reticent when it comes to talking about sex. Although talking about having sex is far from taboo, talking specifics about how to have sex seems to be very difficult for lots of people, including those quite happy to have lewd conversations down the pub about BJs and anal. Quite funny, really.

You're not alone OP. Not by a long shot. And it is going to take one of you to shift the balance. And that's going to mean making yourself vulnerable to feeling very very silly and possibly being met with stunned silence and cringeworthy shock. If you go all out there and you get nothing back, you have a problem. But after the initial embarrassment, you might well start something that could be immensely satisfying for the both of you. The question is whether you want to risk that and whether you feel your DP will meet you half way if you take the first step.

The only advice I'd give you is be specific. So ask him if he likes a particular sex act rather than asking an open question like "what do you like?"

One of the best ways to start a conversation is to pick up on something that could occur in everyday life. So "I was on MN today and somebody was talking about the best sexual position to achieve orgasm. Most women said they liked being on top and a few said they liked the reverse cowboy. I thought I'd like to try that. What do you think?"

Or "I was listening to talk show about the effects of 50 shades of gray on people's sexual relationships. Apparently loads of people are trying low level bondage, such as... would you like to try that?"

Joysmum - what a beautiful post.

This isn't about me thinking dp can 'do no wrong' TheAwful - sex isn't 'wrong' I'd just like it to be different.

Pounding - you're right and I will put myself out there because this is for us. I love him. We've both let it get to this over the years.

I have just decided that it's becoming important to me and just decided I'd like us to do something about it. I can't expect him to be in the same place as me right at this very moment like some posters have expected.

Me and DP...don't talk. Sex is awful, become a really big issue. Now...me and my lover, really open about it all. It's a shock to the system when you've been used to being all embarrassed by it. But I recommend just going for it and talking it. Don't stop at the blushes. Plough on through. Take the lead. Wish I'd done the same MUCH earlier with DP, could have saved much heart ache. And yes...now I'm sure I'll get a slagging because yes I have OM and I'm not apologising for it. If your man doesn't respond, then you have a problem Houston, but at least it's not your problem!