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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me too.... please help

63 replies

percy · 25/03/2004 11:17

last night found text messages on h's phone from girl at work - eg " oh, yes please, shag you later mister" and 'come round on thursday afternoon and you can give me one" and " thank you for the flowers, i'll listen to the cd later". he lied and lied and lied until finally the admission that he has been having an affair since late last year - during which time i became pregnant and had a miscarriage btw.

rang her also to try to get an admission when none was coming from him and said ' just found text's on h's phone, he has told me his version of the story and now i want to hear your's' in order to get some more info - she had the audacity to say 'not now, my mother is here from manchester'. ffs!!!!!!

he does say he is sorry and will end it immediately and look for a new job (i said this was a minimum requirement for me to even think about a future together).

not sure where i am right now, but just wanted some support. spook and numb - i'm with you now girls.

OP posts:
wobblyknicks · 25/03/2004 11:19

Oooh - so sorry percy. Think you need some time to take it all in and think about what you want - that's my only suggestion.

((((Big hugs))))

M2T · 25/03/2004 11:19

Percy -
Why is he ending it now? Coz he got caught??

I'm sure you'll get loads of wonderful advice here..... unfortunately it doesn't seem very rare these days.

forestfly · 25/03/2004 11:21

Sorry Percy, i just don't actually believe this and i'm in a rage. I'll try and right more later, just wanted to acknowledge your post and say be strong it is deeply painful. So so sorry. Good luck, be strong, and i hope you make the right decisions.

Blu · 25/03/2004 11:24

Oh, Bloody Hell, Percy, poor you. Big hugs. Does this other woman KNOW that he was busy making babies and a new family with you and she was therefore just a bit on the side? So sorry, this must be very very painful to find out about. Sorry about the mc, too, all very raw.

Should have texted back 'that's fine, give me your mother's number, and I'll discuss it with her, too!'

motherinferior · 25/03/2004 11:25

Oh darling. What can I say? I am so sorry and so angry for you.

Kayleigh · 25/03/2004 11:27

Percy, you poor thing . I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am also a bit sceptical at his willingness to end it now he has been caught out. Did he say why it started ? And how did he justify all the lies ?
Do you believe he is really sorry, or just sorry he got caught ?

WideWebWitch · 25/03/2004 11:27

me too, so sorry percy

WideWebWitch · 25/03/2004 11:28

i meant me too in response to MIs post

Clayhead · 25/03/2004 11:28

hugs from me percy

Marina · 25/03/2004 11:31

Very sorry percy, hugs to you. There seems to be too much of this about on Mumsnet at the moment...even if we don't all post we are thinking of you gals a lot (well I certainly am). I cannot understand why they do this.

Coddy · 25/03/2004 11:33

Id go aorund and tell her mother.

Poor you Percy

wobblyknicks · 25/03/2004 11:38

I'd go around and deck her - but I'm not suggesting you do that!!!

I'd be more encouraged if he'd admitted to it as soon as you asked but seeing as he left it until he was backed into a corner then it shows, IMHO, that he's not really sorry, he just knows he's been found out. Think he's got to be one of the lowest of the low, carrying it on all that time even through your pregnancy.

I'd just give yourself loads of space and don't let him tell you what to do, he's the one in the wrong so you should be completely calling the shots from now on.

Coddy · 25/03/2004 11:40

did you suspect then?

what were the signs?

forestfly · 25/03/2004 11:43

Don't do anything to her, its just giving the selfish little cow more reason to justify her actions. They just turn round and say no wonder he had an affair you clearly have an aggression problem. You hold far more power than you realise, you have already won in the respect of decency. She is a little witch with no principles or moral duty to society. You can look deep inside with pride. She from now on can never.

Twinkie · 25/03/2004 11:48

Couldn't care less about her mother - I would have his bags on her front door step quicker than she could finish stirring her cup of tea!!

Can't believe they are not actually understanding the enormity of this - mind you it seems all men that do this have a problem with self centredness!! I know it is neither here nor there but do you have any other children??

CountessDracula · 25/03/2004 11:50

Yes she's right. Poor you Percy. Hope you manage to sort it out. You must be so angry and hurt.

Original poster
percy · 25/03/2004 15:09

wow, thanks for all your responses - it really does make me feel supported.

i guess there is part of me that feels quite relieved that i know - things have been wierd for a while now and he has been very snappy and irritable with me. i had asked him outright a few times if he was having an affair but after his denials i didn't think much of it. now at least i know what the problem has been rather than feeling so very very confused as to what was going on IYKWIM. He has also said to me and also to her apparently that he is really relieved it is now in the open.

He says he didn't admit it because he was too scared of loosing me and the boys. He has also told me that he finished it with her this morning and is moving offices so she does not sit near her, and that he is actively looking for a new job and has sent his cv off to a couple of places today already.

He asked me today to meet him for lunch, which i actually did for a couple of reasons primarily to show her that she wasn't in the picture anymore and that he was committed to trying with me - ie. back off. i have remained alarmingly calm (sure i am still in shock) have not shouted or really cried yet (obviousy a bit of tear welling) and just said to him that i am not committing to anything at the moment but am remaining open to seeing what he has to say and do - ie he is going to have to prove to me that he is sorry and that he loves me and wants to make it work.

Maybe I am being a mug? I just don't feel ready to throw in the towel or chuck him out at the moment primarily because I don't want the kids to grow up in a broken home like I did. I'm not saying that I won't ever want to do that, but just that at the moment I feel like I want to give it a chance.

Goodness that blurb that was therapeutic if nothing else. Please will you all hold on for my crumbling phase which I am sure will be coming along soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
percy · 25/03/2004 15:12

plus forgot to say that i CANNOT BELIEVE he had an affair with HER - he says that he cannot cope with my instability and mood swings at times - she is a bloody alcoholic, ex heroin addict and has just split from her husband. PLUS she is frankly not v attractive (although have only met her once so can't remember that well). But they are both from up North, work in TV and have been going through a rough time recently "so we were just there for eachother and had lots in common" FFS how stupid has he been!

OP posts:
collision · 25/03/2004 15:15

Oh Percy....how awful but you did really well behaving with decorum and not freaking out at him. Maybe this has been a reality check for him and he will sort himself out. Dont make it easy for him though and make sure he grovels a lot and treats you properly. Thinking of you.

M2T · 25/03/2004 15:16

But Percy, why didn't he end it sooner??? He waited until he got caught out and now the comes big gesture?

I hope it works out for you. I'm just not convinced that the affair wouldn't have just carried on unless you found out.

Janstar · 25/03/2004 15:16

Just to add my support, Percy.

CountessDracula · 25/03/2004 15:21

Have you asked him what he would have done if you hadn't found out?

Original poster
percy · 25/03/2004 15:23

no i haven't asked that question and will do so tonight actually - you girls are right. am off to the beauticians now to be beautified. feeling very very wierdly calm and carrying on life as normal - is this a sign of complete madness do you think?

OP posts:
M2T · 25/03/2004 15:25

Percy that's a good question to ask and one you NEED to know the answer too. What was he telling her? Was she under the impression that he would eventually leave you for her? Or was this a mutual casual affair?

I think it sounds like you still in shock.... you're not mad. He is though!

piglit · 25/03/2004 15:26

percy - it's not a sign of madness, it's a sign of control. And you've got it. Well done - thinking of you.