me too.... please help

[percy]

last night found text messages on h's phone from girl at work - eg " oh, yes please, shag you later mister" and 'come round on thursday afternoon and you can give me one" and " thank you for the flowers, i'll listen to the cd later". he lied and lied and lied until finally the admission that he has been having an affair since late last year - during which time i became pregnant and had a miscarriage btw.

rang her also to try to get an admission when none was coming from him and said ' just found text's on h's phone, he has told me his version of the story and now i want to hear your's' in order to get some more info - she had the audacity to say 'not now, my mother is here from manchester'. ffs!!!!!!

he does say he is sorry and will end it immediately and look for a new job (i said this was a minimum requirement for me to even think about a future together).

not sure where i am right now, but just wanted some support. spook and numb - i'm with you now girls.

Percy ... Just want to add my hugs to everyone else's ... {{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}
Hang in there honey ...

thanks girls - i did go out and had a fab evening actually - i really really enjoyed myself and felt v posh in the vip bar etc. amazing what a bit of special treatment can do.

i'm so very very confused i'm not sure whether i am coming or going. but yet still haven't got very angry or had a proper good cry. i think this is very wierd.

do people think that when guys do this, they really need to suffer to realise what they have done etc. he is saying and doing all the right things i guess, yet somehow i don't believe he is really really feeling it IYKWIM - maybe its because i'm making it to easy for him - what do you think?

dottee - i'll try not to! maybe just the north west then????

ponygirl - were his parents initially supportive of you? why did you tell them at the time?

things have gone down hill. i think i rushed into things when it happened to try and make things work. i found an old email from jan on our computer a few days ago from him to her signed off ' your fellaXXX'. Now beginning to realise that it was more heartfelt a relationship than he had me believe. He is sleeping on the sofa now and I am feeling so crap.

we are meant to be going to his parents for easter and i can't stop it happening because ds1 is so very excited. i could stay home, but haven't spent much time with the kids recently and ds2 is being very clingy - i don't want to leave him.

not sure why i'm posting, i know there isn't much to say really. just wanted to remember you are all out there IYKWIM.

percy, so sorry things aren't going well for you.Have the two of you talked any more ?
Have you considered counselling ?

The break away may be good. If you can leave the kids with the grandparents and spend some time just the two of you. A long walk ? A meal out. Would give you time to talk.

Hugs {{x{}}}

Percy, so sorry, I guess this is the kind of thing that persists. But remember the word 'old'. It was an old e mail. 'xxx your fella' doesn't sound THAT loving, to me, but maybe the text of the message made you worry, too. The important thing is whether you think there is anything going on NOW, and whether he has stuck to his word about not seeing her.Why were you looking at old e mails? Was there a reason why you felt uneasy?

no it was an old email and i do trust he has finished it now. 'your fella' just seems so territorial and so permanent and so established that is all - it just hurt so much to see it and brought all my emotions to the fore again. i asked him whether he had told her he loved her and if she had told him and he said yes. it just floored me - i'm not sure why as i guess i should have realised these are the sorts of sweet nothings one says when in an affair.

kayleigh - thanks, yes we are having counselling but our counsellor is on her hols for 2 weeks so there is a bit of a gap.

just feel so sad and lonely and confused - want to crawl under the bedclothes and for it to all go away.

percy - poor you, have just read this thread.

I'm not at all surprised that the email floored you and the fact that he told her he loved her. I think that is incredibly difficult to come to terms with and I don't think it necessarily follows that if you have an affair you end up declaring your love.

counselling should really help - it's a shame counsellor is away.

hugs to you {{{}}}

Big hugs to you Percy, sorry that things are not going too well. Give yourself time. I think it takes a long time to heal when the wounds keep opening up again.
Thinking of you, particularly over Easter.

So sorry you're feeling this way and know exactly how you're feeling. My husband had an affair about two years ago and reading about you finding the email so reminded me of how I felt then. Things that would happen again and again to bring the whole thing back...even remembering things that happened whilst the affair was going on would send me into a manic state of despair. I would obsess over tiny details. Like you I was relatively calm. A lot of my friends told me to kick him out and not allow him back in until he came crawling on the floor in mercy /make him suffer but that wasn't really my style. There were major rows/staying at various friend's houses but in the end we both realised that we wanted to save our marriage.

For me councelling was really the way forward. Just the very fact that we were both going felt like a commitment in the right direction. I also went to councelling on my own, which helped me understand things and feel empowered. (although I seem to remember that our therapy bills at the time equalled our monthly mortgage payments!) One of the main things I learned was to try and understand why it happened. Don't blame yourself and I'm not saying you should justify it but look at your relationship/what was going on in your lives as a couple and individually directly before it happened to try and understand why this happened, only then can you move on. The other thing is that you shouldn't expect or want things to go back to 'normal' Things have happened that will change your relationship for forever, but it doens#t have to be for the worse. It's bloody hard and does take a lot of time but our relationship has become much better and more honest than it was before the affair started. We communicate so much better now and things could never be like they were before the affair started. Guess things don't always work out like this but it certainly sounds like you're both moving in the right directions. Sending you lots of love and wishing you all the best...

oh bon - thanks so very much for this message - it is heartening. i'm so pleased that you say you also felt calm and reassured this doesn't mean i'm storing up loads of shit for the future IYKWIM. i am going to counselling myself also - actually went this morning. it does really help to have that for myself.

h (don't feel quite ready for the d yet) says he just feels really numb and that he can't really 'feel' anything at the moment. i think it will really help him to have his therapy too, although obviously i am also quite scared about this. maybe he'll realise he doesn't want me. does this make sense?

percy, big hugs at this difficult time for you. i haven't been through something like this myself but know what it's like to get hurt and remember the 'waves' of different emotions that come at you from nowhere for ages afterwards, x

Just to say I am still thinking of you, Percy. Really well done on how you are handling things.

how are you janstar?