me too.... please help

[percy]

last night found text messages on h's phone from girl at work - eg " oh, yes please, shag you later mister" and 'come round on thursday afternoon and you can give me one" and " thank you for the flowers, i'll listen to the cd later". he lied and lied and lied until finally the admission that he has been having an affair since late last year - during which time i became pregnant and had a miscarriage btw.

rang her also to try to get an admission when none was coming from him and said ' just found text's on h's phone, he has told me his version of the story and now i want to hear your's' in order to get some more info - she had the audacity to say 'not now, my mother is here from manchester'. ffs!!!!!!

he does say he is sorry and will end it immediately and look for a new job (i said this was a minimum requirement for me to even think about a future together).

not sure where i am right now, but just wanted some support. spook and numb - i'm with you now girls.

No, Percy, I think you are in shock and need some time to decide what you want. Stay calm and look fab for tonight. Horrible thought that he chose to have an affair with an alcoholic, ex heroin addict......could understand if it was Julia Roberts!!!!!! Hugs. Why do men do this, is what I want to know? Why jeopardise so much for something so small?

No, I don't think you are being a mug, it sounds as if you are being spot-on sensible and strong about the whole thing. It sounds as if he has had the near-miss of his life. I can understand that he acted out of weakness and is quite pleased to have been rescued from his own stupidity. It's good that he is immediately offering to move offices, job etc. and not making stupid excuses for having to remain in contact with her. But you need to get him to agree to some hard talking, and maybe Relate, if that's something you would feel could help the two of you?

So sorry Paercey. The way you've talked on here about it has really impressed me. Aren't men idiots sometimes. Anyway, hopefully he'll realise that he's been a prat and make you a very happy woman from now on. Do people think that having messages like that on their phone or whatever, they are going to get fouind out , even if by accident, sooner than later? Did he not think to delete those messages?
Well done you for giving it another go for the sake of your kids and being so calm and so strong, even it's only going to be a shortlived feeling, if you do crumble then that's all fine, but you're doing so well so far. Luck and love.

Percy, I'm so sorry to hear your news. You sound very calm. You are right to take your time and let him do the running. He has clearly gone into "panic mode" and that does at least show he doesn't want to lose you.
Get as much support and help for yourself as you can. Thinking of you.

Sorry to bring this up, but it does need to be considered. If she is an ex-drug addict, etc., you need to check out whether he was having safe sex. He clearly was sleeping with you at the same time, so there is a risk for you. Can he say, hand on heart, that he used a condom every time they had sex? Don't want to worry you unduly, but this aspect really should be considered.

Very good point Freckle.

big hugs. keep being strong you are so much better than her.

If he has any sense he will realise what he is missing. Will be thinking of you hugs

You are being incredible, respect I hope it stays that way for you adn that he is humbled for life
Be strong and firm and put yourself high on the to do list
Love and hugs
J xx

What a bastard. Very impressed with you I don't thnk I could be anywhere near as calm (and clam is good cos it scares them). Also agree with freckle- tell him to go and get tested immediately (and I guess you'll need to know when it stopped as he may have to get tested again 3 months down the line). Sounds awful- but if he does it it will show commitment to you as well. Maybe make him realise what he did as well.

Sorry this is happening.

Can I suggest Percy that you get yourself tested too? Explain to your GP what has been happening and he/she should know what to test for. I know that this is probably not what you want to be thinking about just now with so much going on, but some things shouldn't be left.

So sorry Percy. What is it with these bloody men? Don't have anything useful to say, but lots of hugs. Sadly, there seem to be so many of these threads lately. Hope you find a way through this. xxx

God percy - how horrible. Just wanted to add my support.

thanks again guys. well he met her this afternoon and ended it - she was crying apparently saying sorry it had gone this far and that she felt very cheap. good i say because she is cheap. anyway, he told her that he cannot ever see her again socially, he has moved offices etc and will look for another job.

he has promised me he used condoms always with her, and actually also we have used condoms apart from the one time which led to pregnancy. i have told him already that i want him to get tested given her history and i think he has agreed?? i need to check on that one. do you really think i need to get tested too??????

we have an appointment for next week to see a couples therapist so we'll see if i remain so calm there. i get a feeling that this really is just still shock, as underneath i can feel a nausea rising from time to time. i may just loose it soon?????

i do think the calmness is working though to an extent - he said to me today 'thank you for being so good about this' and i said, 'i'm not being good about it, i am just trying to do the best for my children and remaining open to your efforts' he said 'yes that is what i mean'.

the one thing that does worry me alot is that he has been being so very cold and irritable and snappy with me and the other day he was saying that he didn't respect my value system - which basically boiled down to the fact that i shopped at waitrose instead of sainsburys and i always wanted the best in life. plus that i was always worrying about things and this devalued anything that really warranted worrying. i know now that he was obviously comparing me to her - she is a proper northern gritty girl (he is from up north too) whereas i am a rather privileged london lass - and yes i do worry about things. better i say than drinking yourself stupid and getting addicted to drugs whilst obviously not facing up to anything real.

need to ask him the question about what he would have done had he not been found out later, and will update you all.

thanks again for all your support, it means so much to log in and see that people are there. i hope you don't mind that my posts are as long as blooming a level english essays - it really helps to just blurb!

Percy.....this is what men seem to do when they are sneaking around doing wrong things. They come up with utter crap to make you look bad and hope that you will end up blaming yourself for him having an affair.

A friend of mine has been dumped by her P because she is a vegetarian! Has been all her life and was when they met. He says he cant eat veggies any more and has moved out leaving her with ds aged 3. He is having an affair and came up with utter garbage about why she was to blame. She only found out cos she read messages on his phone.

percy, if it makes you feel better, blurb away!!

ok now i'm pissed off because he is kind of acting like nothing has happened - happily chatting away with his mum on the phone and i want to shout - he's had a f**ing affair!!!!!

i asked him what he would have done had i not found out and he was very lame - he doesn't know, he feels it would have fizzled out. he is either very naive, very stupid or very manipulative - i'm not sure which.

another issue is we have just got an au pair so i feel hesitant to make him sleep on the sofa as she will realise something is up. she is very sweet and i like her very much - she doesn't deserve this either. so worried that tonight it will feel very 'normal' to him IYKWIM and can just think 'phew thats over with then'.

aaaargh!

Honey - I would make him sleep on the floor next to the bed - then he can see just what comfort he is missing (as well as you!) and keep a veneer of normality up infront of the Au pair!!

Trying to shift the blame for the affair on to you, that's bloody charming.
On the plus side he has taken very firm steps to sever ties which in my (inexperienced in such matters) eyes would be a step in right direction.
The counselling should be interesting, I hope it helps you thrash out some stuff.
As for values, he married you knowing your background and tastes, he cannot suddenly say now that it's a problem. And you are in no mood to be compromising just yet!
Good luck
XX

thanks twinkie

we ended up having another long chat last night - i think i feel that he is making an effort to make things right. he knows he has been an absolute idiot and says he is going to do everything in his power to make things right. we'll see - but for now i am going to remain open, as before, to seeing what he can do to prove to me he loves me and wants to make it right.

i did let him sleep in the bed in the end last night, and actually feel happy with this situation now. i was worried it may make him feel that all is ok now, but i realise this of course is not the case. i was thinking that if i made him sleep downstairs or on the floor then how do you decide when and if it is right for him to move back - it then is even more like saying all is ok now which frankly it probably will not be for a very very long time.

i wanted to ask what people think about him telling his parents. i was thinking that i wanted them to know not least because it has been obvious to them that we haven't been getting on and i wanted them to know why (mainly to absolve me of blame IYKWIM) but am having second thoughts now as it reflects badly on me too in the long run and ultimately it is none of their business? any experiences directly or indirectly anyone or just any views?

thanks so much all.

thanks too kiwisbird - was busy writing my post when yours came.

ok - i think the crumbling is beginning. i feel so sad and empty and have this physical sickness sitting in my stomach. i'm worried less about whether i can trust him again etc. and more about whether i will ever be able to feel special and loved again. i don't want to go through my life knowing that he has done this and therefore that i cannot be the person to him i thought i was IYKWIM.

I am out on a big night out tonight with some girl friends which has been planned for ages - to a gig ( i never go to gigs) and then to the aftershow party!!!! i have been so very excited about it and now i just want to hide under my duvet.

Oh Percy, I'm so sorry. I wish I had some advice, but I don't, I just wanted to let you know someone was listening. Please be nice to yourself - go out tonight and try and have a great time. I know it'll be hard to force a smile, but it will do you good to get out and away from H and home and be with your friends. Do they know what's been happening? If they do know, I'm sure they'll look after you as well as make sure you have a great evening. You need this kind of thing right now. Love and hugs.

Percy - I've only just read the thread. My reaction - oh God not another one. I have been there - ex had an affair in 95 with someone in the office whom he's now married.

Immediate view: do go out tonight. I understand you may not feel like it but like ponygirl says, you may want to lean on someone's shoulder and it may be therapeutic.

Also, they'll blame everyone else except themselves for the affair. This is so common. Remember. it's not your fault at all.

To me, he does sound like he's taking positive steps but the counselling is a very good idea indeed. As for telling his parents, we did this - they were very upset especially because we had children but they ended up siding with him when he decided to stay with her. I don't know what to advise about this as he's appearing to want to stay with you.

Thinking of you.

p.s. I'm from the North - hope we are not all tarred with the same brush!

Percy,

Only just seen this thread, and wanted to add my well wishes. You've been impressively calm and reflective about this when many of us would have crumbled. You're doing all the right things (couples counselling etc).