Please give me your opinion on whether I'm being a silly idiot ending it

[FindingSunshine]

I'm a lone parent to 12 yr old. I was in an abusive relationship before. First relationship since that, is my current one and has been difficult for me because of trust issues. He has always treated me well but I have always anticipated and suspected his motives or intentions. We have been together 4 yrs.

He sold a business a year after we met to move to be near me. The plan was to get work here and sell his house there. He hasn't done either. I've found this hard because it feels like a lack of commitment. (Bearing in mind the next sentence this is unreasonable of me probably)

He wanted to marry. I refused for a long time but we did get engaged and then broke it off a few months later over our first row. IMO he was unreasonable about something and I confronted him...he left. He moved out there and then.

He came back a week later and we fell into the same happy relationship (because it is). It's peaceful, no conflict and we enjoy the same things. He's very supportive of my DC and supportive of my career. Marriage has never been discussed since although we did talk about the cause of the row a lot and I feel moved forward positively from it.

Essentially I think we both enjoy each other's company but are frightened of commitment. But the lack of commitment is also an issue!

This year he accepted the offer to stay with a friend abroad for 6 weeks. He's very excited and heading off tomorrow. He's also talking about travelling in 6 months for an extended holiday in USA with a family member. Neither holiday can involve me as I have a school age child.

I'm considering ending our relationship because his ability to travel, be free, be financially independent and dip in and out of my life is making me feel both rejected and unhappy. My life seems empty when he goes and the years ahead of bringing up DC alone and struggling to maintain full time work and pay the mortgage seem horrible in comparison with his life. I wonder if I split with him I'll feel less dissatisfied with my life.

However if we are honest he does bring into my life the good things. So am I being stupid? Is this just petulance?

Assuming he never changes, is the relationship enough for you? If yes, then that's fine. But if no, then you deserve to find a relationship that fulfils you.

I'd talk to him about it. See if you can find a way to bridge the gap together. But you're not wrong to want to leave if this isn't possible...

No it's not enough for me if I was free. But then if I was free I'd be travelling with him?

I don't think I can pursue another relationship. My ex does not have his child very often. I have no childcare and realistically I can only date about once a fortnight! I don't see how I could develop another relationship without bringing a bloke out with me and DC!

So if I split I think I'm staying single.

The main issue is my resentment over his freedom. (I know this is unreasonable and thus don't express it to him) It does make me feel resentful of my life, yet I have a good life. I love my DD and have a good job, nice house..

The flip side of that is my DD is demanding and I crave adult company, the job is full time and stressful, I have a huge mortgage and my elderly parents are needing a lot of care....so my life feels a bit hard work at times. This is true for many but DPs life makes it seem worse somehow?

Tricky one, I wouldn't walk away as there mainly good stuff there, you can't blame him for being child free and wanting to make the most of his free time traveling, he should be able to do these things, you wouldn't want to stop him would you?

I'd keep the relationship going if I was you as I think you might regret it otherwise.

You need to be happy in your own skin, your own life and not expect someone else to fulfil all that, you could spend the time finding things to do for you, rather that a couple and bring up a child is pretty joyful most of the time, he hasn't got that remember.

No I wouldn't wish to stop him Jan. I have said nothing negative to him at all.

I do intend to really keep busy when he's gone and have lots planned. A wet last day of half term is adding to my feelings today I think!

I don't think you'd be an idiot for ending it. Despite getting on quite well when you are together, you seem to want different things out of life and have different priorities. When people want to make a life together they want to be together... not disappearing off for extended holidays solo and leaving the other twiddling their thumbs and feeling like a spare part.

Why would staying single be an issue?

It does sound like he just wants to be your boyfriend for sometime yet. If he seriously wanted to be with you, marry you etc then he wouldn't go off for six weeks with a mate as that not what 'partners' do. Maybe ask him to move out until he really does want to step up the relationship and commit fully? Then if he does want to step up he will have to comprimise his freedom as that's what you do in a committed relationship.

i think you probably need to talk to someone professional because ypu sound like your trust issues are making you second guess everything, and thats not good for you and not good for your partner either.

I do not think you would be an idiot for ending this relationship either because its really not going anywhere. I also think this person just really wants a woman to look after him.

Re yourself if you have not done the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid I would consider now doing this. Its for women who have suffered abuse in past relationships.

I'd not be too hasty. You need to talk about this together to decide whether you have a future together.

And it seems that you need to find some more interests of your own and not be so reliant on him, then further down the line if you do decide to end it you won't be so alone.

@Branleuse... if the OP had trust issues she wouldn't be objecting to all these holidays on the basis that she felt left out and resented this 'dip in and out' aspect, but because she suspected he was up to something.

I wouldn't like to be picked up and dropped as it suits... would you?

theres more to trust than thinking someone will cheat

much more

Such as?

Sometimes I read threads online and I do not understand why women can be stubborn. If you chose to be with him, then why aren't you travelling with him too ? Why isn't he being a part of your family plan, and why aren't you being an actual couple in the truest sense of the word ?

If you both want to be together, then you should plan your life in a way which gives you that flexibility and that both of you could jet off. or that the child be home-schooled or other. If he is meant to be with you and you with him, I would expect to see both of you actually working towards the goal together too. It's like my uni friends, one had a perm job, and then the other was a contractor. The financial credits that they build up can allow them to move across the world, and at least he could run the business remotely while she have the baby, and see her family.

You need to ask yourself what you want from life, and there is no point in resenting someone when you have not stepped up to the challenge. i.e. change your lifestyle into a flexible one. If you can do that, I dare say that your child will also learn from you too in fighting for life and what is right etc.

You are only silly in ending it, if you feel that he is quite right for you and that neither of you actually gave serious thoughts on how to support both of your desires and lifestyle. If you do not feel anything for him, then do end it. If he brings a lot more stress to you and make you think way too hard, than end it. If you are sulking at life, and want him as well a a flexible lifestyle, then you need to step up on the challenge and openly talk about building up a flexible life together.

cognito Staying single isn't a massive issue except I enjoy sharing my life. I miss adult company

Re interests of my own - I am a member of a sports club and DC joins me (because of afore mentioned childcare issues) On the odd occasions ex has her, I walk a lot - I'll happily set off to walk the 10 miles back to mine after getting her there on public transport. I enjoy walking and will set off on long walks alone or with DC (when she can be persuaded).
I swim regularly and again DC is with me for this

I have friends but struggle to meet because of childcare. They come to me and most are very tolerant of her joining me if we do go out however it's not the same as an adult night out is it?

Childcare - I work full time and exhaust childcare options managing that. She is too old to have paid for childcare and I don't know any suitable teens I could pay to babysit anyway

I do leave her at home to nip to the shops but any social events are curtailed other than above

Perhaps I need to post in lone parents because I now realise that having DC with me constantly is affecting how I fill my life. This week I've taken her swimming lots, we've been to a wildlife park, had her friends around, my friend around once and walked and cycled. I really enjoy my own company but just not all the time.

I'm thinking of a holiday in the summer but not sure what. Sitting with a bored teen in the evenings surrounded by family units is not appealing. She is bored unless I fill her time.

Try and just step back from the intensity a little. Your life, due to caring responsibilities is far from easy. This man, who basically makes you quite happy and offers some release from the enormity of caring. He is basically a single man without children so he is trying to make the most of his freedom and who can blame him. You can't have these freedoms at the moment but no reason for him not to enjoy himself. He sounds a pretty good bloke on the whole. I do think you need some counselling to work through some of the pain of past relationship so that not every man will be judged to be the same as your ex. Why not just get on with your life, enjoy it as much as you can, meet with him as frequently as you can and perhaps realise that this could be quite a good arrangement for both of you. You are still together after all the ups and downs so perhaps for now that could be commitment enough.

maisie I'm not travelling with him because I'm employed and it's the employment which provides a home for me. DC is at school so I can't just shoot off for 6 weeks. Travelling for 6 weeks then 6 months early next year all requires money?

Forcing him to not travel to be with me seems restrictive on him and I don't wish to do that either.

I'm still pondering Maisie's idea that I should leave work, take DC out of school and travel with him.

Bit worried about the mortgage next month however Throw in elderly sick parents and a repossession because I've not paid the mortgage...oh and the education dept chasing me for taking DC out of school and struggling to see that as an option

Forcing him to tie himself down because I am is I suspect not a successful move either. I know I'd start to resent it if I was him....which brings me full circle to the fact that our situations in life are basically incompatible. However I love him and he loves me.

heyday I suspect that is what I will end up doing. Today is a wet day off school/work so the outdoor activities which we'd normally do are missing so I'm going stir crazy and over thinking...plus he's leaving for sunny climes tomorrow.

You shouldn't have to completely change your life to accommodate a new partner. Doesn't make you stubborn! A few adjustments maybe, but not wholesale change. Applies to both of you of course. Sometimes you can compromise a way through and sometimes things are just too far apart to reconcile.

I think if you have to question whether he's the right one for you, you already know the answer and are living a compromise. I'd also say that your dd at 12 is only going to be a childcare issue for very few years and you have the rest of your life ahead of you to enjoy.

If he was the right one you'd wait until the cows came home or rearrange your life to be with him at the drop of a hat and he would want you to.

It sounds as if you are both comfortable and in a bit of a rut. Go and find love OP - you deserve it.
Good luck.

I'm not sure if I have understood correctly. Does he live with you? He sold the business, but doesn't work? Are you financially supporting him?

If so, I can understand your resentment that you are left with the job, and the bills, and no fun. The 6 week holiday - fair enough, at a stretch, but I think it is unreasonable to disappear for 6 months and expect you to keep hanging around.

In fairness to him, I can understand he may feel confused, as you were engaged, planning to marry, but have broken it off yet are still together. Sounds like you need to do a lot of talking about what you both want.

In relation to your DD - can she go for a sleepover with friends, that you can also reciprocate, to get a bit of time to yourself?

I don't think that OP has trust issues as someone mentioned. Fundamentally you have responsibilities and he doesn't. I don't know many people that can just take 6 weeks off and then come back to a stable job.

As another said child care is only going to be an issue for another 4 years or so then hopefully you will be able to have more of a life for yourself.

It doesn't sound like you have much help with your DD so it's no wonder you feel a little resentful. With regards to your relationship it does sound like you're on different pages though and sometimes love isn't enough.

He doesn't live with me. When he is here he contributes by buying food and other stuff. I don't feel like I'm financially supporting him at all. He's very generous.

He's not going away for 6 months. He's going for 6 weeks this summer and probably similar after Christmas. Neither of which I'd wish to prevent him doing. Given a chance I'd join him. Without DC I would probably discuss leaving work to join him. I'd have to sell my house and move in with him (or vice versa but my elderly parents would probably mean I'd wish to stay local)

DD does do sleepovers but mainly to facilitate my work. I have to do some nights away to attend meetings/conferences and friends help me out for these.