Please give me your opinion on whether I'm being a silly idiot ending it

[FindingSunshine]

I'm a lone parent to 12 yr old. I was in an abusive relationship before. First relationship since that, is my current one and has been difficult for me because of trust issues. He has always treated me well but I have always anticipated and suspected his motives or intentions. We have been together 4 yrs.

He sold a business a year after we met to move to be near me. The plan was to get work here and sell his house there. He hasn't done either. I've found this hard because it feels like a lack of commitment. (Bearing in mind the next sentence this is unreasonable of me probably)

He wanted to marry. I refused for a long time but we did get engaged and then broke it off a few months later over our first row. IMO he was unreasonable about something and I confronted him...he left. He moved out there and then.

He came back a week later and we fell into the same happy relationship (because it is). It's peaceful, no conflict and we enjoy the same things. He's very supportive of my DC and supportive of my career. Marriage has never been discussed since although we did talk about the cause of the row a lot and I feel moved forward positively from it.

Essentially I think we both enjoy each other's company but are frightened of commitment. But the lack of commitment is also an issue!

This year he accepted the offer to stay with a friend abroad for 6 weeks. He's very excited and heading off tomorrow. He's also talking about travelling in 6 months for an extended holiday in USA with a family member. Neither holiday can involve me as I have a school age child.

I'm considering ending our relationship because his ability to travel, be free, be financially independent and dip in and out of my life is making me feel both rejected and unhappy. My life seems empty when he goes and the years ahead of bringing up DC alone and struggling to maintain full time work and pay the mortgage seem horrible in comparison with his life. I wonder if I split with him I'll feel less dissatisfied with my life.

However if we are honest he does bring into my life the good things. So am I being stupid? Is this just petulance?

fundamentally you have responsibilities and he doesn't. This is exactly it.

I don't blame him on a rational level. I feel resentful purely on an emotional level and don't wish to.

Tbh without him in my life I'd probably find being a lone parent hard and resentful of that anyway!

It is hard being sole financial source, 24/7 responsible for providing childcare or 'outsourcing' it.

If you break up the times he will be away from you he will be gone for 6 weeks then a further 3 months (the max time he can stay in the US). That does not show commitment to the relationship as a whole; only commitment to his own self and getting his own needs met.

Your DD as well is not too old to have paid childcare particularly if you want to go out one evening.

Is this is also what its like after 4 years I personally cannot see any future in this.

What is his own relationship history?.

One 10 year marriage and several relationships since. I haven't delved but they all sound less that 1 or 2 yrs. He ended all of them. Marriage ended over her infidelity. Subsequent relationships ended because of normal relationship issues AFAIK.

I must be missing something.

I'm all in favour of us being responsible for our own happiness. But as half of a couple why wouldn't you feel excluded if DP is disappearing for a long vacation? Four years together but this break is not timed to coincide with DD's school holidays even if you could have taken some time off.

The engagement was a flash in the pan - he moved to be nearer, did not get around to selling his property, hasn't had to bother with a new job, no worries about dependents, hardly stressed out. None of which chimes with your existence.

On the face of it a dog would bring you and DD more happiness afaics.

I know it's kind of off your main topic, but at 12 years old, I'd say your DD is old enough to stay home alone if you went out in the evening.

Only you know if you want to make a life with this man, and become one family.

But you rejected his marriage proposal, so perhaps he doesn't see you as family because of that and therefore feels free to do things like travel, as he doesn't have the commitments you have.

Feck! not more dependants Donkey!

The thread is helping in some way but it's also going over the same issues I've battled with without resolving

If you pared the problem down to the bare essentials is it that you want a settled family life but suspect he's not the right man.... or that you think he's the right man but suspect that he doesn't want a settled family life? Or something else entirely, of course?

I think the simple answer to that is I don't know and that is the problem.

Yes I want a settled family life. He is brilliant with DC. I'm not sure he is the right man but suspect very strongly that this is due to my fear of 'any man' rather than him.

I do suspect he cannot commit to a settled family life. He needs goals and interests. He doesn't want a full time job. He likes his freedom. When here, he is a fabulous house husband. We are realistically talking just 6 weeks this year and 6 weeks next year though. Do I tolerate them rather than split up because I love him and the rest of our life is good?

I can hear my bloody overthinking and indecisiveness yelling out of this thread. It's ridiculous but you know when a decision hasn't got a clear 'this feels right' option. This is one of those decisions.

To me, if you love someone, then you both should sail towards the same direction. 6 months in my mind is out of the question from a partner. It will be tough. What about the physical intimacy aspect of it ? That is just crazy. Even if stretched for 6 weeks. Can't one of those 6 weeks coincide with a school holiday and then you both meet him as well for a week and then come back home or other ?

I see him selling his business as a pretty big deal as a short step towards commitment. Maybe you guys truly need to think on this one. He has a house, you have a house, and you are both talking about marriage ? Who does that ? Shouldn't you both be living in the same house by now and pooling your resources together and rowing in the same direction ?

Is he travelling now because he has no company, and he is also missing something to do in his life too ? Have you thought about that angle as well ? Is he also involved in raising your DD too ? If you want family, then surely, you got to make it as a family ?

I was not suggesting that you ditch your job asap and go travelling with him, but I was hoping to give you some perspective on how to make it work. To me, the immediate situation seems like a stalemate. Cos neither of you want to budge. He seems like not wanting to let go of his autonomy because you also do not want to too. i.e. you mentioned that he has not moved closer to you and live the life that you already have. But have you thought about what kind of life he wants too and how best to integrate you and DD into it ?

In my definition, you guys are not really in a genuine relationship but this is what I call "dating". Like, that step before marriage, but it is not quite there yet. I get the impression that the engagement was more of a symbolic thing. But both of you seriously need to discuss things and truly start to row into the same direction. And at the same time, you cannot resent him if he is not a working partner in your life. Cos both of you are very much independent right now. I do not quite understand this aspect.

No one is "wrong" here, it just seems that your life plans are incompatible. You would not be an idiot to end things.

You say you enjoy sharing you life; if he will be gone 6 weeks followed by 6 months (roughly two-thirds of the whole year), that doesn't make for much sharing.

In your place (and I have been there), I would let him go with dignity and as little acrimony as possible.

Please don't think that this guy is the only thing standing between you and a lifetime of being alone. Plenty of single parents manage to meet and form lasting relationships, I am one of them. And the right persn for you will bend over backwards to fit around your life, dc and all.

If there is no clear feeling right option, then go for the option which makes you feel relieved. Because the relief from the overthinking will be the right option. For your immediate situation.

No you're right!

Maybe consider how things are while he is absent and decide on his return.

The thing is, and I just want to state this also. "Life circumstances" can change, because we make the choices to change it. The question is, does it feel right by you and does that make you feel good in making that decision. The confusion at the moment is in front of you because you cannot decide either way. Choose the decision which sits well with you the best.

Oh, I see, the trip to the States is IN 6 months, not FOR 6 months......

My advice still stands though, especially if you are supporting him/facilitating his living like a 19-year old on a gap year.

*I don't blame him on a rational level. I feel resentful purely on an emotional level and don't wish to.

Tbh without him in my life I'd probably find being a lone parent hard and resentful of that anyway!

It is hard being sole financial source, 24/7 responsible for providing childcare or 'outsourcing' it.*

This speaks to me as :
I love this man
I don't want to raise a child alone on my own any more.

You got to seriously have very open and heart to heart talk. Marriage shouldn't even enter this space right now if you cannot talk openly about childcare, and bringing your lives together. If you genuinely feel the above, then you genuinely have to ask him about childcare opinions too, and options on how to stay together as a family unit and so forth.

When I'm presented with a problem without a 'this feels right' option I tend to think that what I really want isn't possible and I've compromised or settled. Not so bad that it's causing me enough pain to change course but not so good that it's allowing me to be enthusiastic. Those are the dilemmas I tend to regret.

The last few posts have been particularly helpful. Bit confused by yours Cognito. You've summed up how I feel but the I tend to regret Comment is confusing me. Tend to regret getting into this situation or a decision?

I'm reverting back to my usual name now so won't post again. Thank you to everyone who has given me advice and things to think about

I suspect I will spend the time that he is away reassessing our relationship. On his return it may be either commit or goodbye

I get Cogito. 'Not so bad that it's causing me enough pain to change course but not so good that it's allowing me to be enthusiastic. Those are the dilemmas I tend to regret.'

Those are my regrets too. You stay in limbo in a situation that doesn't seem bad enough to change, but isn't good enough to really make you happy. You just hover, in permanent indecision, and find yourself 10 years later thinking wtf have I done with those 10 years!

My view now is any decision is better than no decision. Even if it doesn't all work out perfectly, it's better than being stuck in limbo.

Decide what you want, and go for it. You aren't happy like this. If what you want is a settled family life, then you have to talk to him about this. At the moment you are just dating. Say you want to live together permanently. Say you want him to combine your lives, financially, emotionally, in every way. Ask if this is something he can see happening or not? If not, then there's your answer, not because it's his choice, but because you already know that continuing as you are is not an option. If yes, what timescale does he put on it?

If it's yes, by the way, I wouldn't put a ban on a bit of travelling/freedom time for him. He needs to be happy with his life, with you. Or perhaps you should talk about all travelling as a family during school holidays.

I've not read all the previous posts but I just want to say that I get what you mean about resentment. I was seeing someone last year, very casually. But I started to fall for him. When I started having feelings I started to find that when he did exciting things like festivals, gigs etc I became jealous because I wanted to be the person who wanted to be there with him and enjoy those things but being a single parent meant I couldn't. As feelings got deeper I started to resent/be jealous of more minor things like family events etc that I wasn't part of.

Doing nothing is always the outcome I regret because, as a PP said, it's time-wasting limbo. You're either settling for something that will never be quite right and trying to force yourself to be happy about it, or you're persevering to make the square peg fit the round hole against your better judgement.

A decision - almost any decision - is easier to live with than knowing you had opportunities to change the outcome and didn't take them.

I was in a similar set up to you and decided to exit. The indecision and fear of being alone led me to waste many years of my life in two minds.

It hurt dreadfully, many times I went cold with fear, thought I had given up my LAST chance for love. Crying a lot.

Yet six months down the line I can see that it was the right thing to do and am enjoying having peace of mind.

You both need to lay your cards on the table and talk it out.

Suppose your situations were reversed. If he were the lone parent in ft employment and you were the one free to take 6 week breaks abroad? Would you go?

If the answer is probably not, it's this that's making you uneasy as much as envy over his freedom.

I think, deep down, you know he's not as committed to you as you are to him. Although he proposed earlier on, that ship seems to have sailed and he's settled into a semi-detached relationship that suits him. Most of the time, it suits you, too, but you know that there is a real risk that he might meet someone else, fall head over heels, and that will be it.

Because both of you are putting up with second best. As to what to do, depends how much it bothers you. Don't know how old you are but in a few years your dd will be more independent and you will have more opportunities, either to become more of a couple or find someone else.

I agree. Use this time apart to see how much you miss him, how much he's actually adding to your life and whether it's enough.