Please give me your opinion on whether I'm being a silly idiot ending it

[FindingSunshine]

I'm a lone parent to 12 yr old. I was in an abusive relationship before. First relationship since that, is my current one and has been difficult for me because of trust issues. He has always treated me well but I have always anticipated and suspected his motives or intentions. We have been together 4 yrs.

He sold a business a year after we met to move to be near me. The plan was to get work here and sell his house there. He hasn't done either. I've found this hard because it feels like a lack of commitment. (Bearing in mind the next sentence this is unreasonable of me probably)

He wanted to marry. I refused for a long time but we did get engaged and then broke it off a few months later over our first row. IMO he was unreasonable about something and I confronted him...he left. He moved out there and then.

He came back a week later and we fell into the same happy relationship (because it is). It's peaceful, no conflict and we enjoy the same things. He's very supportive of my DC and supportive of my career. Marriage has never been discussed since although we did talk about the cause of the row a lot and I feel moved forward positively from it.

Essentially I think we both enjoy each other's company but are frightened of commitment. But the lack of commitment is also an issue!

This year he accepted the offer to stay with a friend abroad for 6 weeks. He's very excited and heading off tomorrow. He's also talking about travelling in 6 months for an extended holiday in USA with a family member. Neither holiday can involve me as I have a school age child.

I'm considering ending our relationship because his ability to travel, be free, be financially independent and dip in and out of my life is making me feel both rejected and unhappy. My life seems empty when he goes and the years ahead of bringing up DC alone and struggling to maintain full time work and pay the mortgage seem horrible in comparison with his life. I wonder if I split with him I'll feel less dissatisfied with my life.

However if we are honest he does bring into my life the good things. So am I being stupid? Is this just petulance?

I have made my decision and it is to part. What I'm finding really hard is living with that decision and not sharing it with him. Feels like my life is in limbo and I wonder if I'll go back on it. I know it's the right decision but I also suspect on seeing him, the impetus will fade ...might I say nothing and we will drift on?? So it's like the indecision is still there even though I know what the right decision is. It's painful and I've been like this for over 4 weeks.

I want to talk about it now and tell him now. We are barely mailing and not skyping because he's busy socialising or working. I'm not sleeping. Today he has just told me he's staying away for a further 2 and a half weeks. I want to tell him by email or by Skype but I know that is a really shoddy thing to do.

He is returning 1 day before a family wedding. I don't want to go with him. I want to cancel on his behalf but don't feel I can without letting him know. All of this has been running around my head. I'm terrified that 'doing the right thing' I.e. Waiting for his return to tell him face to face will mean I end up saying nothing ...we go to the wedding and then I just settle into the lazy uncomfortable relationship. I need to part with him.

I also wonder if he knows we have finished but is too cowardly to do the deed. He ended one relationship that I know of by doing something similar and woman saw photos on FB of him at a party...'she must have guessed something was up at that point' was his comment about it to me. He then went home and they talked...with him ending it

Is splitting by email that awful or is Skype dreadful. He will be surrounded by friends whereas when he comes home he will be returning to an empty house once I've told him. The other thing is that I think he is only returning to attend the wedding out of duty and would stay away longer if it wasn't for that. Coming home to me faking it for the family wedding or splitting up the day before it is hanging over me dreadfully.

Help me!

Should I

1. say nothing, get wedding out of the way then do it (if I haven't lost the motivation by then)

2. say...we need to talk, I'm going to the wedding without you so come to me after the wedding and we can have a proper chat

3. just tell him either by asking him to Skype or by a phone call or by email

Could you tell him on Skype that you've been doing a lot of thinking while he's been away and that it's not a problem if he stays longer and doesn't come to the wedding. How he reacts decides how far you go on Skype. Although not ideal, I don't think that would be wrong under the circumstances - it might be worse for him to curtail his travelling for you only for you to end it (albeit perfectly reasonable).

Once you are single again, you need to really think about how you and DD socialise and manage your time. My DD is a similar age (year 8) and is starting to develop a significant, independent social life. DH and I are starting to find time to go for drinks / supper / to see a film without needing to arrange childcare as it pretty much fits round her plans. I know it's a tricky age but she does need to not be over-reliant on you for entertainment and amusement. Care, love and attention yes but also some independence. For both your sakes.

Good luck OP

This reminds me of a friend telling me that her boyfriend did not want to see her any more, so she was dumping him.

He is not missing you OP, tell him now, move on.

I have emailed and said We need to talk

I got a text to say he's out tonight and has no wifi. (Probably true)

The point about my DD is very true. She doesn't socialise with friends her own age a huge amount and it's always organised last minute. Spontaneity is good for her but less easy for me to plan around. I'm sure this can be steered to work better for me. Right now I just want to be single.

Of your 3 options, I would suggest option 2, which is what you've done (great!)

1) say nothing, get wedding out of the way then do it (if I haven't lost the motivation by then

I would go along to the wedding on your own, and let your hosts know that it will only be you (I wouldn't give chapter-and-verse to the hosts, you don't have to, just an apology and leave it at that).

2) say...we need to talk, I'm going to the wedding without you so come to me after the wedding and we can have a proper chat

You have sent him a holding email that you both need to talk, you are going to the wedding as a single person, and (by the sounds of it) you will say when you have "the talk" that the relationship doesn't work for you, you are cutting free and you both need to move forward.

If I were you, I wouldn't make it a long drawn-out conversation, you have made up your mind, and I'd be decisive about it, be kind in your farewell but make it a "done deal" and don't prevaricate (sp?)

3) just tell him either by asking him to Skype or by a phone call or by email

Wait for him to suggest a meet-up, or maybe he will suggest you Skype in which case, go for that, but deliver a message of your choosing - along the lines of (2) above?

How are you feeling FindingSunshine? You are very brave and together, by the sounds of it.

He will be surrounded by friends whereas when he comes home he will be returning to an empty house once I've told him

If you are kind but firm, then to be honest, he will just have to deal with it - it doesn't seem like he's the sort to let anything curtail his travel plans!

If it helps i agree with how you're doing this. You've made your decision and i was impressed at the ethereal *oomph in your posts. You're doing what is right for you and i think you're very honest .. i'm sorry too because i know this must hurt as well ... but ever onward, hey?

Thank you. Your kind words are just what I need. I'm trying in to find some oomph but it's sort of leaking from me like a silent fart

I'm often very busy but struggling to muster energy right now. I think it's just a bit of sadness and will I'm pretty sure, buck my ideas up once I've told him.

I've told the wedding host already!!! I trust her implicitly and she understands that I've given her warning to save wasting a place, sort tables etc

Oh hon, I feel so bad for you. From the sounds of it this isn't a bad relationship per se, it's just that neither of you are on the same page at all.

Did he speak to you about going away for 6 weeks before agreeing to go? If so, that would be okay in my books, but if he agreed it and then just told you about it afterwards that would be terrible behaviour.

It sounds like you guys are not a team in any way shape or form. He doesn't seem to help out much with your child, and even if it's not his child...well...when you're in a committed relationship with someone that's what you do. It sounds like he wants to be free to live the bachelor lifestyle, which is fine and all, but you just can't do that when you're in a relationship with someone.

I think you both have completely different goals and priorities, and therefore it's never going to work out. The fact that he hasn't bothered to divorce his first wife says everything to me really. If he truly felt like he wanted to have a serious relationship with you, then he would divorce. Because otherwise....the relationship doesn't even have the chance to progress.

I find it quite bizarre that he proposed to you whilst still married, but maybe that's just me!

And by the way, you really really need to figure out some child care every now and then and give yourself a break.

I rang planning to do option 2. Somehow it horrifically turned into option 3. We barely got anything said. Awful awful.

He was so shocked he couldn't speak and just wiped a tear away looking stunned.

He's mailed 3 times since, utterly devastated and hurt. I'm really sad and know I've binned a good relationship.

I just wish he was here. He's not. That's the problem. I'm still so so sad

(Kaykay. He's been divorced over 10yrs. Not sure where I gave the impression he wasn't)

Sometimes relationships don't and can't work simply because you're at different stages in your lives. It's about the timing. It's no one's fault and you haven't done anything bad. What you need and what he's willing to give are just too different.

Btw, you sound a lot more concerned about his feelings than he is about yours as he flits around the planet, fancy-free, on his own and for as long as he wants.

This would be fine for me, as I am used to being on my own a lot when my husband is away but the point is it has to be fine for everyone in the relationship. If it isn't for you, and you want more domestic consistency and him around all the time, then that isn't what you have. It does seem a shame, but ultimately it's what you can live with.

He may well be upset - but wasn't he taking you rather for granted, and assuming you'd be there when he got back, just to slot back in as before? Maybe some time apart has helped you vocalise what it is that isn't working for you - something about balance and reciprocity. A relationship can be excellent in many ways, but if something is missing at the core, it won't work.