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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Weird SiL behaviour. Also posted in Chat.

65 replies

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 29/05/2014 15:24

I posted about SiL very recently - bullying behaviour when other people are around (although fine when we're alone), nasty comments towards myself and DS - including pointing out that DS isn't MiL's biological grandson in front of him (he knows but he's only 10, not sure he 'gets' it), breaking/chucking out our possessions, etc.

She visited last month. I'm still not over it.

After she left I was very shaken up. Have not long recovered from a NB (workplace bullying) which resulted in a year off sick and have only recently got back on my feet, started working again, going out, etc. A week with her and I was a suicidal wreck. I felt like I'd been under fire. Was exactly how I'd felt when I was being bullied at work.

I went back onto the anti-depressants that I'd carefully reduced over time and spent a week in bed feeling shit. Honestly I was right back to square one. I was late home from work one morning - there'd been an incident requiring an ambulance (nursing home) and I stayed behind to write up some paperwork and tie up lose ends. DP thought I'd killed myself because he knew how depressed I was. That's how bad she made me feel.

I decided after that thread that I was going to distance myself from her. I blocked her from seeing my recent FB posts (she always posted snippy replies to whatever I posted) and I've 'hidden' her so I don't need to see her posts. Haven't bothered texting or calling.

Last week I wondered if maybe I was over-reacting. So I called her just to say hi, see if I could smooth things over and hopefully emerge feeling better about it all. She was at a friend's house (so had an audience) and spoke to me like shit. This was last Wednesday.

I decided at that point to give up. DP is on my side. He saw what a gibbering wreck I'd been. He recently asked if we could meet up with his cousin one weekend and I told him I'd love to but not if SiL was there as I didn't like the way she spoke to me when others were around.

I explained that I tried to call and she spoke to me (again) like dirt. I told him I was giving up. He's fine with it. He's seen me try with her over the years with calls, cards, presents, visits, etc. It's not like I haven't made the effort.

So, I've given up, totally washed my hands of her. She lives miles and miles away so we rarely see her anyway.

Anyway, she's just text me:

I've just bought you a pressie.

Twice.

Why? Why has she bought me a pressie? I don't need a pressie, my birthday isn't until November. Why speak to someone like utter shit for a week, then again on the phone and then buy a pressie a week later?

WTF is going on?

How do I handle this? Ignore? Text something back? What?

                              <strong>*</strong><strong>*</strong><strong>*</strong><strong>*</strong>

After reading the responses in Chat I'm going to ignore. There's nothing sensible I can say in response and I have no interest in talking to her.

However, I really want to know why she's doing this.

In my last thread (which I had removed as I was terrified she'd read it and recognise herself from the first post) someone suggested that it was a sibling rivalry thing and DP was her target, not me.

I'm still both confused and upset by it all though.

OP posts:

WhispersOfWickedness · 29/05/2014 15:28

Haven't seen the thread in chat or your previous threads!

It just sounds like she is a bully, you are definitely doing the right thing by avoiding contact. It's great that your DP is supportive. Has he been able to shed any light on it? Does he stand up for you when she is like this? She sounds awful

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 29/05/2014 15:30

I'm on your other one in Chat but I'll say it again;

Ignore her permanently, she's a tit who'll never ever change!

She's horrible to you.

She's doing it to wind you up and she's succeeding.

Ignore.
Ignore.
Ignore.

Finola1step · 29/05/2014 15:34

The pressie is a blatant attempt to reel you back in

Ignore. Pass all communication over to your dh. She is nowt to you. She just happens to be the sister of the man you married. You chose him not her. Cut her out. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Present is likely to be crap as well

Pagwatch · 29/05/2014 15:36

Ignore it. Block her number.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 15:40

'Why?' is interesting about the 'pressie' but I don't suppose you're going to find out if you're ignoring her. So the possibilities are

Olive branch. Genuine attempt at doing something nice
Attention-seeking move. Appears to be doing something nice but designed to get you back inside punching distance
It's a joke. When you respond 'ooh lovely, what is it?' you get some acid put-down as a reply.
It's a joke present. You unwrap it and it's something designed to embarrass or irritate.
She's a total barm-pot that has lost touch with reality.

My money is on '5'.

DoctorHfuhruhurr · 29/05/2014 15:41

It's hard, but you have to try not to care why she's doing it. I don't think you'll ever understand, because there won't be a rational reason for it.

Just cut her out, and eventually you'll feel a sense of relief that you don't have to think about her and her motivations.

Itsfab · 29/05/2014 15:42

It has all been said.

She hasn't bought you are present because she likes you, because she is sorry she has treated you like shit, because she wants to be friends. She has bought you a present because she wants to be seen as a lovely giving person who has been dropped by you for no good reason and she can not understand why and surely SHE is the victim.

Ignore the bitch.

Don't feel sorry for her. There is nothing wrong with her. She just LIKES being a bully.

BosieDufflecoat · 29/05/2014 15:57

People sometimes talk on here about 'hoovering', which is a manipulative tactic designed to draw you back to someone who enjoys being unkind to you. I think it may describe this.

You'd do right to ignore it.

LoveBomber · 29/05/2014 16:01

Did the last incident involve ashes?

If so, I remember your thread and she is vile. Just ignore her messages, she's trying to reel you in.

Damnautocorrect · 29/05/2014 16:11

If lovebombs got it right my word you need to ignore, block her number, change your number and never bother again. The word toxic was invented for this woman.

Original poster

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 29/05/2014 16:21

Did the last incident involve ashes?

No! Blimey what have I missed?!

Yes, toxic is a good word.

She's quite 'odd'. Sacked/can't fit in at numerous jobs, other friends/family have ditched her (for fair reasons but she can't see she's done anything wrong).

She's often sniffing around DP and I for money. MiL does too. (They live together.) We're not particularly well off but pay our bills and live within our means whereas they blow cash then ask us for some despite earning way more than us.

I recently had an inheritance (all gone - bought a house and paid off half of the mortgage with it) and they text me all of the time telling me how they couldn't pay their bills.

I think DP also feels quite 'used' by them.

OP posts:

LUKYMUM · 29/05/2014 16:22

She wants the attention. When you stay away she can't hurt you or wind you up. When you ignore her she feels suffocated and is looking for a way to get at you.

Ignore her completely.

Don't try to understand why she does it. Some people are warped. Take care of yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 16:27

Have you tried standing up to her and MIL and telling them to bugger off and take their begging bowl elsewhere? Or do you say nothing, get anxious and then take to your bed?

Deverethemuzzler · 29/05/2014 16:34

She needs you.
Being horrible to you makes her feel better.

You have the power here.

You can live without her, you are better off without her.

She is missing you.

Fuck her.

Don't respond. She hasn't earned your consideration. She has had her chances.

She will know exactly what she has done. She makes a choice every time she is rude to you or does something vile.

Her choices have led her to this place.

Ignore her and move on.

Don't give the time of day to anyone who can make you feels so awful.

PonyoLovesHam · 29/05/2014 16:34

Hi KingJoffrey.

Definitely sounds toxic and very controlling. Re present, I think it's just a way to get back in touch and stay I touch with you. And whatever the present may be, even if it was something amazing that you'd always wanted, you wouldn't accept it from her would you?!
My mil does this, acts appallingly then 'makes up for it' financially, so offering money or giving us tat we don't need.
I'd say stay no contact with her, think of your own health. Sorry to hear you've had to deal with all this, sounds bloody awful.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 29/05/2014 16:35

You will find it quite liberating to just not care what the pressie is and ignore.

Has she ever bought you anything nice? Is she such a good gift buyer that the flack you would get is worth it?

is she simply reeling you back in because she wants to be able to keep on using you.

seriously! Block her number and this won't keep torturing you.

Deverethemuzzler · 29/05/2014 16:35

LUKY makes a good point.
Don't try and understand why she is like she is. That is not your problem.

Original poster

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 29/05/2014 16:38

No, never stood up to them about the begging.

They make dumb-ass decisions. They were about to be evicted for not paying rent but borrowed £XX from another relative to pay their Sky bill so they could watch telly.

They never ask outright, they just hint and hint.

"There's a bailiff at the door. Where and how will I get the money.

Or ask loaded questions about our finances. For example when we moved and had a small mortgage rather than extortionate rent to pay MiL asked DP several questions about how much better off we'd be.

DP saw straight through it, though.

OP posts:

Original poster

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 29/05/2014 16:40

And yes, the present will be shit.

I don't want it. Just curious about why she's bothering when she clearly doesn't like me.

OP posts:

Original poster

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 29/05/2014 16:41

And I'd love to block her number.

Don't know how though..!

Have a Samsung Young if anyone knows.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 16:45

Please stand up to them. I think the SIL especially senses weakness on your part, knows about your anxiety and depression over the workplace bullying, and doesn't think you have the strength to stand up to her. Don't get into a fight with her because you'll lose but, make it clear that you regard her as shit under your shoe...

Response to her 'I've got you a pressie' text therefore... 'save it for the bailiffs'

MaryWestmacott · 29/05/2014 16:46

Re the text, you don't respond. You tell yourself you will never be the one to reopen lines of communication. If she contacts you and it needs a response, get your DP to contact her instead of you responding. And only definate something as needing a response if it contains a question, you don't have to reply to statements. "I've got you a pressie" is a statement. You don't need to answer it. If she'd said "I've got you a pressie, what's your postcode?" then that would require a response.

Keep any contact to a minimum, you don't need to have a relationship with her, your DP might feel he wants a relationship with his sister, but you don't need to be anything other than polite at family occasions.

If she asks you at a family occasion questions about finance, just smile and say "gosh, I always find talking about money so boring." refuse to rovide any information. Don't worry about being rude, they are rude to you, its ok to br rude back.

m0therofdragons · 29/05/2014 16:46

I would probably text back "oh really? Is that as an apology for how you spoke to me?"

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 29/05/2014 16:46

Go into People, then managing contacts, you should be able to find a 'block' app there. I've got a crap phone and it's easy to find.

Someone here is bound to know on a Samsung.

m0therofdragons · 29/05/2014 16:48

Probably more sensible to ignore but I'd be rubbish at that :)

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