Weird SiL behaviour. Also posted in Chat.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

I posted about SiL very recently - bullying behaviour when other people are around (although fine when we're alone), nasty comments towards myself and DS - including pointing out that DS isn't MiL's biological grandson in front of him (he knows but he's only 10, not sure he 'gets' it), breaking/chucking out our possessions, etc.

She visited last month. I'm still not over it.

After she left I was very shaken up. Have not long recovered from a NB (workplace bullying) which resulted in a year off sick and have only recently got back on my feet, started working again, going out, etc. A week with her and I was a suicidal wreck. I felt like I'd been under fire. Was exactly how I'd felt when I was being bullied at work.

I went back onto the anti-depressants that I'd carefully reduced over time and spent a week in bed feeling shit. Honestly I was right back to square one. I was late home from work one morning - there'd been an incident requiring an ambulance (nursing home) and I stayed behind to write up some paperwork and tie up lose ends. DP thought I'd killed myself because he knew how depressed I was. That's how bad she made me feel.

I decided after that thread that I was going to distance myself from her. I blocked her from seeing my recent FB posts (she always posted snippy replies to whatever I posted) and I've 'hidden' her so I don't need to see her posts. Haven't bothered texting or calling.

Last week I wondered if maybe I was over-reacting. So I called her just to say hi, see if I could smooth things over and hopefully emerge feeling better about it all. She was at a friend's house (so had an audience) and spoke to me like shit. This was last Wednesday.

I decided at that point to give up. DP is on my side. He saw what a gibbering wreck I'd been. He recently asked if we could meet up with his cousin one weekend and I told him I'd love to but not if SiL was there as I didn't like the way she spoke to me when others were around.

I explained that I tried to call and she spoke to me (again) like dirt. I told him I was giving up. He's fine with it. He's seen me try with her over the years with calls, cards, presents, visits, etc. It's not like I haven't made the effort.

So, I've given up, totally washed my hands of her. She lives miles and miles away so we rarely see her anyway.

Anyway, she's just text me:

I've just bought you a pressie.

Twice.

Why? Why has she bought me a pressie? I don't need a pressie, my birthday isn't until November. Why speak to someone like utter shit for a week, then again on the phone and then buy a pressie a week later?

WTF is going on?

How do I handle this? Ignore? Text something back? What?

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After reading the responses in Chat I'm going to ignore. There's nothing sensible I can say in response and I have no interest in talking to her.

However, I really want to know why she's doing this.

:(

In my last thread (which I had removed as I was terrified she'd read it and recognise herself from the first post) someone suggested that it was a sibling rivalry thing and DP was her target, not me.

I'm still both confused and upset by it all though.

oh and she's bothering with the pressie so she's given you something and you owe her. It'll be a cheapo pressie that'll cost you a whole lot more. No response at all. Don't send anything to wind her up, just disengage, she's your DP's problem, not yours.

If it was me, I'd start deleting texts from her before reading them.

Absolutely do not reply. This is a "hoover" designed to reel you back into contact so she can fuck you over a bit more.

She is getting off on it.

Ignore/Delete/Ignore some more.

Be prepared for her to up the ante if she really thinks you have escaped her though. She or MIL may suddenly become mysteriously ill and try to suck you back into contact that way.

Or they will send in the "flying monkeys" aka other family members who have no clue what the are really like and are fed a load of BS about how nasty you are.

Still, ignore/delete/ignore.

It is seriously the only way to stay sane.

Joffrey I'm glad to hear from you, I remember your thread well, and I'm sorry to hear you have found it tough since she left, but not altogether surprised, as she was so awful to you.

I think it is brilliant that you have distanced yourself from her, and it is a testament to your faith in humankind that you attempted to make contact again. Her response to you should confirm to you not to bother again. You gave it distance, got burnt again, now you know your answer.

IIRC she has form for trying to manipulate you with presents. Was it new tea towels the last time? Totally ignore her, don't respond to the texts.

She's a complete loon. Avoid like the plague.

I wonder if SIL realises how nasty she can be or whether she grew up treating her DB the same and is used to everyone else tolerating her.

I am surprised she is okay 1:1 but feels compelled to attack you verbally when others are around. Very often bullies save their vitriol for when the target is alone.

Well, here's the good news, you're under no obligation to humour her. If she is detrimental to your well-being, pretend she is a stranger. Change her name on your phone to FOff if you can't bring yourself to block her.

Haven't seen your threads but you don't need whatever she considers a "pressie" odds are it is ludicrous or a jibe of some sort. Ignore and forget.

I've got an old Samsung. It may not be the same as yours but - Menu> Call log>Call Manager>Reject List>and go from there.

Ive got a crappy model Samsung and they don't have a block BUT
Menu
Settings
Call
All calls
Auto reject
Reject list
Change, then add her number. This (surprisingly) auto rejects her calls before they ring.

I can also set it to send texts from certain numbers straight to my spam box (which I can rarely find, let alone view) with
Menu
Messages
Settings
General settings
Block messages
By address
Options
Create - then, again, put her number in.

Hth

Sorry - scrap that one. That Samsung model I had lying around is just too old. I think Google may be your friend on this one.

joffrey I remember your thread. you're well within your rights to ignore her. I don't understand her motives but there's a game being played and you don't have to take part. totally agree with other posters. block her and go no contact. hope you're ok?

Block her from your life. I remember you previous post, she is a nasty piece of work and you don't need her shit.

I know it is hard but she can only hurt you if you allow yourself to get upset by het actions and comments. You control how you react. If you don't react she has no power.

Was it new tea towels the last time?

Yes! Tea towels.

Campervan ones. One pink. One turquoise. Used one today, actually.

No, don't need her shit. Much easier now DP is in agreement with me and it's very unlikely DS will ever want to see her again.

Am still just utterly baffled by the whole thing. But you're right, there's no point trying to understand it..!

Sometimes I think it's a jealousy thing. I have her brother, a child, a job, a home, supportive parents, etc. But she could have all of that too if she tried.

Don't get it.

But I am ignoring her from now on. I really can't be arsed with that kind of faff. Not anymore. Too old. And life's too short.

Cheers!

cheers, you're sounding more positive already.

Oh, I am.

Wasn't hurt or upset, was just exasperated and confused.

When I made the original decision to cut contact I was much happier.

MiL has bully traits too, actually... Can see where it all comes from.

from me too, great to hear you sound so positive.

I'm with everyone else, ignore ignore ignore. She just wants to reel you back in, she then has you in her clutches again and can also use the present to emotionally blackmail you. Don't fall for it, enjoy the lovely life you have and of which she is so desperately jealous......

Why do you even need to know why, OP?

What do you need her for? She's not YOUR sister?! Honestly, life's too short to ponder other people's negative behaviour towards you. Just ignore her, and make sure she is never in your orbit. Your DP will have to help on this one too, Id have thought he'd have given her an earful. You don't allow anybody to ill treat your wife like that. Or maybe he has done...I didnt read the other thread. Either way she'd have to piss right off if it were me, find someone else to hassle with her oddbod behaviour

I guess I want to know because I might have done something wrong.

:(

But I haven't. I've been nothing but nice, helpful and patient.

I've just blocked her entirely on FB. Might start off WW3 but despite 'hiding' her, her face was still cropping up on mutual friend's posts and seeing her grinning inanely was just irking me.

I want nothing more to do with her.

As for DP, yes he should've given her an earful. I'm still a bit upset that he didn't. I think he's just been used to her being so spoilt and so unpleasant that it seems 'normal' to him.

He gets it now though, so I have his support. Better late than never!!

:)

But she's out of my life once I work out this phone blocking thing. I could actually cry with relief.

I felt the same when I left bullying job. Seriously. I feel exactly the same. Bitch. Can't believe I let her do that to me.

Re blocking. Is there anything under Setting/Call settings? That's usually where the blocking thing is.

I wonder whether the Freedom Programme would help you with the bullying. The trouble is that sometimes we find we've got into a way whereby unscrupulous people will take advantage, and we become vulnerable. You've been very badly bullied both at work and at home for some time. The Freedom Programme helps you to sort out your boundaries again and to be assertive about them. It's normally recommended for those who've suffered domestic abuse, and you have suffered it, though at the hands of your SIL (and MIL?) rather than your dh. Counselling would also help. If I'm being presumptuous, I apologise unreservedly.

I wish you well for your brighter future without this very nasty person in it.

Joff - I've got a Samsung young and I can't see how to block, either. I did Google it for you, but the menus that came up did not come up on mine.
I'd go with a PP and rename her Shithead on you contacts, so you can just ignore.
Don't worry about WW3 breaking out - that is the very best thing about being NC, it doesn't affect you. Ignore/defriend anyone who passes on anything she says about you, don't answer phones, door, letters, emails from her. And if you do see her at family do's, ignore, or be coolly polite.

I've done it for years with my own sister.

KingJoffrey

Re your comment:-
"I guess I want to know because I might have done something wrong".

No. Its not you, its her.

I would read up on narcissistic personality disorder re her and see if any of that fits. It may well do so. (I am wondering if you were a victim of a narcissist at work as well with regards to the workplace bullying you suffered).

She is trying to hoover you back in by the giving of a (crap) present. Do not fall for it. Infact you need to go No Contact with such a person because she will keep using you otherwise.

As for her brother, well he has been conditioned by his birth family dynamic and such conditioning is extremely hard to overcome. At least he is on your side now.

OP, I had thought the same as Jux about getting counselling.

SIL's behaviour when she stayed with you was outrageous - overstepping every boundary she could, to the point IIRC that she poked through your bedroom, broke your bed, and jumped into bed with her brother. She did the equivalent of a tom cat pissing all over your house.

I suspect a lot of your pain is the feeling of powerlessness at the time, and anger with yourself for not doing anything because you were afraid.

It would be worth looking into.

Freedom programme

I'm having a good read on NPD here:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

It does fit.

Compensatory narcissist: Seeks to counteract or cancel out deep feelings of inferiority and lack of self-esteem; offsets deficits by creating illusions of being superior, exceptional, admirable, noteworthy; self-worth results from self-enhancement.

Elitist narcissist: Feels privileged and empowered by virtue of special childhood status and pseudo achievements; entitled façade bears little relation to reality; seeks favoured and good life; is upwardly mobile; cultivates special status and advantages by association.

She fits in with those two the most.

Certainly thinks she's it. Has a weird idea that she's somehow superior to everyone. No idea why - she doesn't actually have any of the things she wants/goes on about (husband, child, home, high earning job).

It's baffling!

Quite enjoying reading up on it though. This kind of stuff fascinates me. Am currently doing a degree in psychology but we haven't even touched on this kind of stuff yet.

Well, I've disengaged. It's nice!

:)

Haven't heard from her. Blocked her on FB so I don't have to see her face (which makes me feel anxious) and she's not called (never worked out how to block calls). She did call DP this week to order him to do something which he didn't do but that's all I've heard from her. We've been away but still had internet/phones/etc.

Read up about Narcissism and have purchased a few books on the subject and a few others about related subjects. Was pretty fascinated by the few websites I read.

Yes, she fits the NPD profile:

Doesn't get that other people aren't an extension of her and that their possessions aren't 'hers'. Also constantly says 'my brother' or 'my nephew' when talking about DP or DS as though they're 'hers'.

This extends to her wanting to speak to DP, DP being out/not hearing his phone and her calling me demanding that I get him to call her.

Entitled when it comes to money. Refuses to pay rent as she doesn't see why she should. Massively in debt. Happily spends other people's cash but tight with her own. Yet, feels she's entitled to the best of everything.

Bossy, bullying, controlling.

Massive ego. Has a huge list of things a man needs to have before she'll consider going out with him (not that anyone ever asks her). Bilingual, 40K in the bank, 60K salary, own home, etc.

Has told me several times that a wedding is about 'the day' and NOT 'the marriage' which is apparently a classic NPD thing.

I could go on...

Basically she comes under 'un-safe' people and I'm well rid.

I'm not bitching much, not making a scene, I've just disengaged.

MiL is also ignoring us because DP wouldn't give her any money. He's not spiteful, we just don't have it. We've had the silent treatment from her recently too.

Not complaining.

Well they both sound delightful KingJoffrey, I'm not sure how you are managing without them.

It's awesome.

I'm no longer totally on edge!

They brought a similar feeling/anxiety as the bullying colleagues.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!

Sounds manipulative and a bully. To be spoken to like shit and then to say got you a pressie means she knows she has upset you and wants to win you back again to treat you like shit again. SO go no contact& dont reply to message you dont need people like that in your life. Believe me its so much better ignoring them.

Yes definitely best to ignore/block/whatever as she was doing nothing for your health!