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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel really bad about this

59 replies

wellhellobeautiful · 29/05/2014 09:54

First of all: my DP is amazing. Kind, gentle, supportive, funny, loving.

I'm on mat leave with our 5 month old DD, who's a really easy baby. I'm a bit tired and hormonal generally, but for the most part things have been plain sailing.

DP came home last night and I'd been really looking forward to seeing him. He was telling me about a conversation he'd just had with our neighbour about how much they were selling they house for. DP told me to guess the price and I was in the middle of feeding DD so just said any random number that came into my head without giving it much thought. So then DP jokingly said my guess was rubbish and to guess again and I just got this surge of anger and shouted 'just fucking tell me then! Stop asking me to guess! Fuck off!'.

I feel terrible. I love DP so much. Why did I shout at him like that? If he talked to me that way I'd think he was a massive wanker. I apologised straight away and keep apologising to him. He says it's fine but I can tell he's still hurt and disappointed with me. As I would be if it was the other way round.

We never shout at each other or swear at each other. I can't believe I've 'broken' that track record by being such a bitch.

Am I an abusive monster?

OP posts:
Rollermum · 29/05/2014 09:59

No! You are just a bit tired and hormonal.

Don't worry about a broken track record of politeness. The important thing is how you communicate the rest of the time, and that you both apologise if need to, which you have. That's far better than yelling at each other and then letting it fester and build up ongoing issues.

onetiredmummy · 29/05/2014 10:01

Of course not! :)

You just have a small baby & was trying to concentrate on feeding her & he was just generally talking shit about stuff that you don't care about & making your attention turn to it instead of your baby. Its not a biggie. Probably a shock to him but you apologised & that's the end of it. Let it go now.

Don't make it into something that's bigger than it is :)

littlegreenlight1 · 29/05/2014 10:02

Ahhhhhh no def just tired and hormonal!
Bless you, you both sound lovely.
You've apologised, he's accepted, have a cuddle and all will be fine!

NotNewButNameChanged · 29/05/2014 10:06

Sorry, I don't think you are an abusive monster, but I don't think being - in your own words - "a bit tired and hormonal" excuses telling a partner to fuck off in such silly circumstances.

Even in the heat of a major row, neither my ex-partner nor I would shout fuck off to the other. I think I'd need to be at the end of my tether and something very, very serious to have happened to get to such a snapping point.

I wonder if you are more than just "a bit tired and hormonal"?

MaliceInWonderland78 · 29/05/2014 10:06

LTB He's boarderline abusive! You and your baby would be better of without him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 10:09

He 'jokingly said your guess was rubbish'.... which was pretty condescending. Hmm I would suggest, rather than being 100% mea culpa and grovelling apologies, you tell him that so-called 'jokes' where he insults your intelligence are not acceptable. If he carries on being hurt and disappointed, tell him to grow up....

MaliceInWonderland78 · 29/05/2014 10:11

Seriously cog?

Casmama · 29/05/2014 10:14

He was a bit irritating and you were a bit snappy, you immediately realised and apologised- it happens, let it go.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 10:14

Yes seriously. 'Guess again'.... would have been fine. 'That was a rubbish guess'.... very unkind way to put it and clearly hit a nerve.

cantbelievethisishppening · 29/05/2014 10:15

I think you were completely out of order. Would you speak to anyone else like this? How would you feel if he spoke to you like that? (I suspect responses would be different if he had Hmm )That said I don't think you are an abusive monster. You have apologised to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 10:19

No-one's abusive here. Just saying that he could have been kinder and she could have been calmer. Apologies have been made but the OP should not let anyone drag this out by claiming to be 'hurt and disappointed'. They've apologised... no need to keep grovelling.

MaliceInWonderland78 · 29/05/2014 10:22

cog The OP said he 'jokingly' said it was a rubbish guess. What a miserable world we'd all live in if you couldn't say things jokingly when there was clearly no intention to offend.

FWIW, the OP behaved badly, recognised it and apologised. If the boot was on the other foot, the advice (here) might be different. I'm sure she'll resolve to be a little bit more reasonable in future. Putting the blame on the partner (even if he was being mildly irritating) is ridiculous.

NotNewButNameChanged · 29/05/2014 10:22

Cog I generally agree with you, but "that was a rubbish guess" in a jokey tone is the sort of banter that goes on in a lot of relationships I suspect and I would never regard it as a comment that was meant seriously to insult someone's intelligence. He wasn't saying "Christ, that was a stupid guess, how bloody thick are you?"

I could have understood the OP's retort more easily if he had said that.

I don't believe for one moment that if HE had been doing something and SHE said the same things and HE snapped back "just fucking tell me" and "fuck off" people would be saying the same things.

headinhands · 29/05/2014 10:24

It's fine. You said sorry. You know and admit that talking like that isn't healthy. Me and dh have been together for 13 years and I've done something like this ONCE and that was 7 years ago when ds was a baby.

Original poster
wellhellobeautiful · 29/05/2014 10:24

He wasn't being condescending Cog. It's impossible to convey his inflection by just writing down what he said. But I guessed an outlandish amount and his response was more like: 'what? That would be crazy! Guess again' type thing.

He can sometimes (just like his mother) take ages to get to the point, and last night I just didn't have the patience for it. But I know being tired and hormonal isn't an excuse. I am really shocked at myself and can't believe I snapped so quickly. Is it a sign that maybe I'm not as alright as I think I am? Is this how PND manifests itself? I don't feel depressed. But then I don't normally shout and swear at DP either :(

I keep thinking about how out of order I was and crying.

OP posts:
cantbelievethisishppening · 29/05/2014 10:28

You are tired. You have a new baby. We have all said/done things we regret in the heat of the moment. You have recognised you behaved badly and have apologised. I think you need to let it go now.

DownstairsMixUp · 29/05/2014 10:29

Op don't beat yourself up about it. Them first few months after having a baby when all your hair starts falling out and all the rubbish that comes with the post natal phase does make you feel up and down, no it's not nice to speak to someone like that but you've said sorry and you can always go a step further and explain to your DP how bad you feel and how you've been feeling since having the baby. You always get told off on here for what you say, I always jokingly tell DP to pee off when he hovers round me in the kitchen (he knows I'm messing as he knows I like my space in the kitchen) and someone told me off for that on mumsnet! Just have a word with him, if you keep feeling the way you do then obviously it would be a good idea to speak to your GP Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 10:30

The OP didn't find it funny, did they?

There are all kinds of unfunny 'jokes' in a miserable world. There's the kind of person that 'jokes' that their partner is putting on a few pounds to make them feel bad or 'jokes' that they're a crappy driver to reduce their confidence, or 'jokes' that they're putting their feet up when they're at home with the kids...

Not blaming the partner here at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 10:33

"I keep thinking about how out of order I was and crying."

That is an overreaction to an isolated incident. I wouldn't leap straight to PND but I would suggest you need to get some good quality sleep, good food, fresh air, and general TLC. If you still feel weepy then do see the GP.

crispyporkbelly · 29/05/2014 10:33

I used to get extra hormonal when feeding ds. Don't beat yourself up, just breathe before you respond if you feel like you're going to snap

onetiredmummy · 29/05/2014 10:41

I keep thinking about how out of order I was and crying.

This would strike me as an overreaction OP, perhaps your DH isn't hurt & disappointed with you at all but just wondering why you are blowing this one incident so far out of proportion or he is worried for you?

PND generally has sustained symptoms, do you have any of these:

sad or low
unable to enjoy anything
extremely tired, with no energy
hopeless
a sense of guilt
lacking in appetite
miserable
tearful
anxious

Its normal to feel any one of these as an isolated incident but if they are sustained then go to your GP :)

Do you have any anxiety about your parenting or about your relationship?

Original poster
wellhellobeautiful · 29/05/2014 10:49

Thanks. onetiredmummy I only feel sad and low sometimes - when I'm especially tired. And then I get tearful. But nothing else on that list resonates.

DP has been very gracious and accepted my apology and is lovingly teasing me about being shouty.

I still feel terrible though. Mainly because if he talked to me like that I would think I didn't know him. And I can't bear that he might think that about me.

But you're all right - I don't need to blow this out of proportion.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2014 10:57

Crikey OP - you need to drop your shoulders and let it go - just like your DH has. It was a one-off, you were tired - don't read too much into it! And forgive yourself - like your DH has.

Hope you feel a bit more rested today.

nomorequotes · 29/05/2014 11:01

If this is the depth of your problems then you sound okay to me :)

Don't worry about it.

unrealhousewife · 29/05/2014 11:07

This is really interesting OP. My dp does this, it's a kind of childish game that's all about him really. If I'm in the mood to play I might guess but I usually tell him to just tell me please I'm not a five year old!

There is something odd about someone insisting on playing a game with you when you're clearly not in the mood. It's a bit like the office joker, never aware of what's appropriate when, but going ahead anyway.

It is also sad that he doesn't understand your current state of mind.

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