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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel really bad about this

59 replies

wellhellobeautiful · 29/05/2014 09:54

First of all: my DP is amazing. Kind, gentle, supportive, funny, loving.

I'm on mat leave with our 5 month old DD, who's a really easy baby. I'm a bit tired and hormonal generally, but for the most part things have been plain sailing.

DP came home last night and I'd been really looking forward to seeing him. He was telling me about a conversation he'd just had with our neighbour about how much they were selling they house for. DP told me to guess the price and I was in the middle of feeding DD so just said any random number that came into my head without giving it much thought. So then DP jokingly said my guess was rubbish and to guess again and I just got this surge of anger and shouted 'just fucking tell me then! Stop asking me to guess! Fuck off!'.

I feel terrible. I love DP so much. Why did I shout at him like that? If he talked to me that way I'd think he was a massive wanker. I apologised straight away and keep apologising to him. He says it's fine but I can tell he's still hurt and disappointed with me. As I would be if it was the other way round.

We never shout at each other or swear at each other. I can't believe I've 'broken' that track record by being such a bitch.

Am I an abusive monster?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2014 11:18

Sorry Cogito but yes you did blame the partner.

He 'jokingly said your guess was rubbish'.... which was pretty condescending. hmm I would suggest, rather than being 100% mea culpa and grovelling apologies, you tell him that so-called 'jokes' where he insults your intelligence are not acceptable. If he carries on being hurt and disappointed, tell him to grow up....

OP was out of order and, I think, has acknowledged that. Having a baby is not an excuse to lash out even if it can be a reason for being short sometimes - it still warrants an apology. I know others who do the 'guess how much?' thing also - male and female. Is it condescending when a woman does it?

Standinginline · 29/05/2014 11:24

Omg I can't believe are picking up on the fact that he said she'd done a stupid guess ?! What can we actually do in a relationship then when that's classed as condescending ?

cantbelievethisishppening · 29/05/2014 11:24

There is something odd about someone insisting on playing a game with you when you're clearly not in the mood. It's a bit like the office joker, never aware of what's appropriate when, but going ahead anyway.

Oh wow....... he just asked her to guess the price of a house... It was banter. She gave a random number so he said rubbish guess, guess again. She flew off the handle. That was it. What on earth is odd about it. Talk about over thinking something Hmm

Standinginline · 29/05/2014 11:26

Not that I'm excusing you but it winds me up a treat when I'm in the middle of something and partner says "guess what so and so said " or "guess who I saw " and then makes you guess god knows how many times. I don't know ,just bloody tell me !!! lol

unrealhousewife · 29/05/2014 11:27

I'm with cogito on this, sorry Lying. But need to hear more from OP really before anyone can pass judgment on where the cause for unreasonableness lies.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 11:28

I said it warranted an apology. But I also said that the OP should avoid it becoming 100% 'mea culpa' and dragging things out. Something about the remark touched a nerve to get that kind of reacting and I assumed he'd been condescending

NotNewButNameChanged · 29/05/2014 11:32

Lyingwitch said: "Having a baby is not an excuse to lash out even if it can be a reason for being short sometimes"

THIS! If a man came home from work on a Friday having had the week from hell, working 12-14 hour days, stressed to the eyeballs, his wife asked him to "guess again" and he said shouted "fuck off!" this thread would be completely full of "that's unreasonable and verbally abusive and he's a fuckwit".

OP has recognised it was wrong and apologised. DH has accepted apology. That is quite as it should be and this is clearly - hopefully - a one off. But let's not go about suggesting that motherhood is an automatic get out of jail free card.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2014 11:37

To me, it seems as if this couple has a very nice, mutually supportive relationship, latest post bears that out. I don't like seeing posters picking out bits and pieces and analysing to the nth degree, it's pointless because it's a 'snapshot' and it causes the thread to drift out of reality. Nobody, other than the OP, knows what their relationship is like so stating things as 'fact' isn't helpful.

unrealhousewife · 29/05/2014 11:46

I really don't get why people are ganging up on Cogito here, there is no way any one opinion is right or wrong as we have only heard a microscopic detail of OPs life. Nobody can certain about what's happening.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2014 11:50

Oh don't be silly, unreal. Nobody is ganging up on anybody. You're making the same point that I just did about nobody knowing anything of OP's relationship.

Original poster
wellhellobeautiful · 29/05/2014 11:54

I have an enormous amount of respect for Cog and normally agree with you on almost everything. But you're off the mark here.

DP is wonderful and kind and would never be condescending. Nor is he one of those 'office joker' types. He's very emotionally astute. If he's guilty of anything it's that he's a bit of a rambler (as in; talks a lot) and not picking up his pants off the floor and I was just all out of patience after the first 'guess'.

But he was just making normal, friendly conversation. Which is why I feel so particularly bad. Because he wasn't even being very annoying.

Our relationship is very good. I think I just need more sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellhellobeautiful · 29/05/2014 11:55

I just feel like I was a real asshole. And I would think he was a real asshole if the tables were turned.

OP posts:
MaliceInWonderland78 · 29/05/2014 11:56

I don't think anyone's ganging up on cog Usually, her advice is pretty reasonable. I felt (and others were in agreement) that she'd perhaps got it wrong this time.

Anyone giving advice (or making observations) on these boards is required to make an assumption. We'll often tend to the posts through our own experiences (soemtimes useful sometimes less so).

Usually, a consensus builds and the OP will leave with pretty reasonably advice, or an idea as to the extent (or not) that they may be being unreasonable. It's impossible to convey all of the history in a relationship and the nuance in exchanges in a simple post.

NotNewButNameChanged · 29/05/2014 11:56

OP, you and your DH sound bloody good sorts to me.

dollius · 29/05/2014 11:59

I think you are massively over thinking this. And it would annoy the hell out of me if I was trying to feed a baby and had DH yacking on at me to guess something, esp when I had already made a guess. Is he always this irritating?

Original poster
wellhellobeautiful · 29/05/2014 12:01

Lol dollius no he's not irritating generally apart from the pants thing .

He has his moments, but I'm sure I can be irritating too.

OP posts:
waterlego6064 · 29/05/2014 12:02

OP, are you bfing? I'm just wondering because some women can experience feelings of rage/intense irritation/nausea while the baby is feeding, and you mentioned thwt you were feeding while your DH was asking you the question.

It might not be this, but if it is, then it might help both you and your DH to understand your anger a bit better.

christinarossetti · 29/05/2014 12:02

I remember this sort of dynamic when I was on maternity leave, not the swearing, but the disjuncture between the rhythms/interests of two partners. Including a bit of envy/irritability on my part that my dh got to have more external interests than me. I found it really irritating when he came home talking about his day/interests rather than being focused on mine. Irrational, I know, but very real at the time.

If you're feeling bad about it (which I would too), it does sound like you have high expectations of yourself. I wonder if there was something - again irrational but very real - about someone else 'asking' something of you, even if it was trivial when actually you needed to receive something at that point.

It reminds me of a day when I was walking home in the snow with a toddler in the buggy and baby in the sling, and someone said to me 'oh, make sure that his head is properly covered' (his hat had slipped sideways and she was trying to be helpful). From nowhere, I snapped 'oh, leave me alone, I am doing my best'. I was actually feeling a lot more stressed and down than I recognised.

I also had (at that time undiagnosed) PND, although I'm not saying that you have of course.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2014 12:05

I do not feel ganged up on :) I'm genuinely glad your partner is wonderful, kind and not condescending in the slightest. So the problem therefore is not that you snapped but that you are continuing to feel excessively bad about snapping. That's the bit to fix and I'm sure your partner will be happy for you to hand over the reins, look after the baby and let you get more rest.

Original poster
wellhellobeautiful · 29/05/2014 12:09

I wonder if there was something - again irrational but very real - about someone else 'asking' something of you, even if it was trivial when actually you needed to receive something at that point

Ha! This. Exactly this. You've got it.

I was in the middle of the bedtime routine, had been with DD all day and was tired. I just needed things to be calm and easy and it felt like he was making something harder for me than it needed to be.

OP posts:
normalishdude · 29/05/2014 13:38

.....apparantly its clearly the man's fault. LTB. ha

DaVinciNight · 29/05/2014 13:49

Then I would actually tell him that.
Not as a get away excuse but to explain to him why you were short tempered and what you DO need after a day at home with your dd.

As an aside has ever spend the whole day with her but wo you? It might give him an insight of what it means and seen he is a very nice bloke, I'm sure it will also mean he will 'get' that the best thing he can in the middle of the bed time routine is to help you with it, not making general chitchat.

DaVinciNight · 29/05/2014 13:50

And I would stop blaming myself for the incident. You've apologised, he accepted the apology. Now is the time to move on. We all do stupid things sometimes :)

getthefeckouttahere · 29/05/2014 13:51

wellhellob - you said you were being an asshole, and you were but let it go, he has.

Very interesting to compare responses on this thread to the recent thread where the bloke told his DW to 'fuck off' or similar when she criticised his driving........

rainbowfeet · 29/05/2014 13:53

Get a grip... If this is your only worry in life you're very fortunate!!

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