What do you do if you hate your life?

[StinkusMinkus]

I can't stand mine.

We live in Home Counties market town, impossible to get around if you don't drive (which I don't). Horrible run down house which needs LOTS of work doing to it, and no available funds. SAHM. DH never here - works away couple of days every other week and 7-7 at work when he is here. No family nearby, all several hours drive away.

I'm just really, really unhappy and don't know where to start making changes.

DH says we can't move due to finances and needing to be within an easy commute to London. I hate being stuck at home all day on my own with my son, but the alternative is putting him in childcare which I really would not be happy with.

DH's life has just continued as normal - working, meeting up with friends etc, and I've had my whole life turned upside down so that my life is now the antithesis of what I would have chosen for myself. I'm a city girl at heart and I'm going mad stuck in the suburbs.

What would you do/have you done in a similar situation?

I'd suggest finding something small that you can change for the better and focusing on that rather than looking at all the big things that will never realistically happen. You sound lonely so you've either got to go out and find people or get them to come and see you. Are there any playgroups nearby? Are there local buses if you don't drive?

Is there a reason you dont drive? What age is your son - are there other parent groups nearby? Can you get a babysitter during the day once in a while so that you get some "me" time - reading a book in a cafe, going to the gym/ out for a run? Is there a plan to get the finances needed to do the house?

I was looking for a thread that might reflect my situation, which is not quite the same as yours OP but has similarities. Unfortunately I have no answers, just wanted to reply and say it's not just you. The bit where you say ' DH's life has just continued as normal..' really resonates. My DH also regularly works away, and has a social life that seems to take him away most weekends at the moment.
I know I'm supposed to be grateful, not having to work, staying home with DS, living in a house that has potential (but at the moment is mostly avocado bathroom and stinky wee pipes in the conservatory). I know I'm lucky in so many ways, but I'm just not happy. And therefore tied up with guilt that DS has an unhappy mum which he doesn't deserve.
This is not the life I thought I would get, and I'm resentful that he can get his dream life and I can't.

DS is amazing, but also really hard work - I'm shattered by the time I put him to bed, then I'm told I have an attitude problem when DH comes in and wants to show me the new wire/modem/web solution he's thought up in his lunch break. It's just like our priorities have drifted so far apart.

My DS is in nursery two days a week at the moment, so I can organise the house, do all DH's chores. Again, I should be grateful, and I am. I do think it's good for DS as he gets to socialise. If that's an option for you maybe have a rethink - even if it's just a day. Then you could find something/somewhere to go that's with other grown ups? I'm not good at making friends, and have been branded anti social by DH, but think that it's probably a really good idea to have some time to yourself each week. Maybe that time can be where you work out what you can do for yourself long term.

Stinkus, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I do understand. Not necessarily your situation, but the feeling of being completely unhappy.

Given your circumstances, I can't imagine that anybody wouldn't feel how you're feeling. Sounds like you're completely isolated and possibly a little bitter, which is completely understandable!

It sounds like your DH needs to be more supportive. There's no reason why he should get to carry on as normal, meeting up with friends etc, if you don't. It should be more 50 50, surely.

Does he ask if you're happy? Encourage you to go out?

Being SAHM with young kids is a big change from pre kids. And DH absent through long hours doesn't help.

I would pick a room and decorate that - paint won't cost too much. Cheer up the bits you can do something about.

Consider getting a bike and child seat - at least you could get around more easily.

Consider learning to drive.

Try and get out and about - walks in the county side nearby maybe ? Fresh air and exercise always makes you feel better.

start with one thing. Years ago I used to drive past a sign that said "how you feel tomorrow depends on what you do today" and I still think of this when I feel down/swamped.

So what can you do today/right now that will help you feel better? Put DS into buggy and go for big power walk?

Longer term, could you learn to drive?

It does sound as though things are set up fine for your H who is out of the house all day anyway and you just have to suck it up. Does he know how unhappy you are?

Is a return to work on the cards in the future? How about some PT work locally?

Why so anti-childcare? Our CM is one of the best things that ever happened to us. .

Lets have less of this 'feeling grateful'. SAHM is a 24/7 job, and a challenging one, for which few people are paid the going rate.

OP, I know where you're coming from re childcare. So you're at home with DS, and you need to enjoy it. Collect cardboard rolls and make things out of them. Build castles out of supermarket boxes. Do the amazing stuff like that - he'll always remember, but he'll forget that the house took a while to get right.

Make a cosy space for you and him, with something special in. A big chair, a table etc. Your 'special' place for relaxing. I recommend this on behalf of my counsellor, June, who hasn't been able to get me to do it for myself as yet.

As BeCool suggested, one thing at a time.

I haven't mentioned your OH. I think he's a bigger 'problem' that you should tackle when you have more confidence.

Learning to drive - have spent a lot of money learning to drive.
About 8 years ago, when I lived in Cardiff, I had hours of lessons...looking to sit my test and then circumstances/finances changed to where I was in a situation that I couldn't really afford to drive, and then moved to a city with great public transport.
Similarly when I moved here two years ago, I had hours of lessons and then failed two tests whilst heavily pregnant. We couldn't really afford for me to spend any more money on lessons.
I'm now starting lessons again in a few weeks, but I'm already worried about the monetary aspect. We don't have endless funds for lessons/tests and if I fail another test DH is going to be really pissed off at the continuing waste of money.

Childcare/work - We live in a London commuter town so options for work are a) full-time 'proper' interesting work in the city or b) admin part-time locally.
Would love a) but with DH's job would mean DS(10 months) spending 12+ hours a day in childcare. And without denigrating anyone else's choices, that just seems selfish when we can get by without the money.
B) doesn't appeal to me at all - it would only just pay for the childcare and I don't see the point of doing a job I'd hate just to get a away from DS for a couple of hours a day.
We don't have the extra cash to fund mornings etc at nursery, without my working to pay for it.

Interests - I really am a city girl. I hate parks and woods etc. When DH suggests 'going for a walk' on the weekend, I would rather chew my own arm off. Pre DS I did book groups, theatre, cinema and a lot of cocktail/bar socialising in London. Weekends would be spent meeting up with friends for coffee/food and then activities in the city - museums etc. DH says I should have married a hipster graphic designer and lived in a loft conversion in hoxton. Cliché but a little bit of truth in it.
Have tried doing playgroups etc with DS but I don't want to be sitting around in a damp church hall drinking instant coffee, and I guess that comes across in my manner as I've not really made any friends here.
I have a gym membership and love my spin classes, but can only go when DH is around to babysit. And as he's not home until 7 each night, with the gym a 30 minute walk away that restricts me to two weekend classes each week. Not enough to save my sanity.

It seems like I have chosen a situation completely at odds with what I want from life. I prioritise being a good mum to my son, but it seems to come at the expense of my own happiness.

Doesn't the gym have a creche?

I don't think more driving lessons is a waste of money (and btw your husband sounds very dismissive of what you want)

Can't you get the train into London? Meet DH or friends for lunch with DS. Go to a museum in the afternoon?

How about an evening class?

You sounds so ground down it nakes me sad

Op nothing changes unless something changes :)

"I prioritise being a good mum to my son"

I'd question your definition of a 'good mum'. There are as many good mums as there are individuals... we're not all cut out to be Kirsty Allsop types, insanely happy baking cookies and getting excited about glitter and plasticine. If you're a city girl that likes gyms, theatre, coffee shops and book groups then find people who like the same things, go do them and take your baby along for the ride. One of my best mates is a horsewoman and no way was having children going to stop her doing that or get her into a frilly apron. Her kids have literally grown up in a stable. Does your gym have daytime sessions and a crèche?

It sounds like you really need a friend to talk to each day if you are alone all day, I know having a young child is a full time commitment , did you have interests / a hobby before your son was born? MN will be a good place to share your immediate concerns, maybe a local member close to you could have coffee & a chat . DIY can be very satisfying around your home to cheer you up, a lick of paint can work wonders to a room or furniture .

re the driving, it sounds are though know how to drive and just need practice, practice, practice. Can you simply drive your own car when DH is with you? I know in UK it gets very complicated with the dratted insurance restrictions though.

I agree your DH sounds very dismissive of you.

Are you in any of the Medway towns? I feel the same. I'm a city girl, and used to have an interesting freelance career, but am currently in the Burbs with two kids and struggle to find similar company. I have met some likeminded mums via NCT, but more by luck than anything else.

Instead of getting into a circular argument with yourself about all the things you can't do, how about looking at the things you can? Or the things that you could change if you wanted to.

This stood out for me:

"B) doesn't appeal to me at all - it would only just pay for the childcare and I don't see the point of doing a job I'd hate just to get a away from DS for a couple of hours a day."

Who says it has to be a job you hate? There's more to going to work than earning a few bob. Like getting to know new people. Learning new skills. Having some sense of self-worth and fulfillment outside of family life.

You can change the way you feel about things for the better but I suspect what's holding you back is your feelings of negativity.

I'm in a similar situation to you but thankfully I only have to endure it for another year, although that feels like a life sentence at the moment. You have my utmost sympathy. But I do agree with other posters that you can get stuck in a downward spiral of negativity. My advice is to try to stop thinking about all the bad things and start by thinking of (small) changes you can make.

Driving - tick. Be positive. You will pass eventually. Stick at it.

If you aren't going to work at the moment then the thing that is crucial to being a SAHM with young DCs is friends. I would encourage you to persevere with the toddler groups. I was surprised to meet so many great people through these places. Give it time. Smile a lot. You don't have to be friends with them forever but they can be a mutual life saver - seeing you through a (difficult) stage together. I'm still friends with many of my baby friends, which is a lovely bonus.

You don't like the countryside. Oh boy do I sympathise. Can you turn it around and find something to do in it that you do like? Buy a mountain bike with a baby seat? That way you'll get some exercise too. Play tennis? Good way of making friends. My DCs are older but 2 of them have recently taken up riding which has opened up a whole new lease of life out here in the sticks.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted - I meant that a part-time nonskilled job for me wouldn't be worth doing. The type of jobs that are available locally, and part-time are admin, retail etc. And I'm sure there's plenty to be got from them - for other people. The only reason I'd take a job like this, would be needing the money. I've worked my way up through these type of jobs after leaving university - call centre's/office clerical, and I really hated every moment of being there. But I did it because I needed the money and it was with a view to get a 'better job'.
I studied law at Durham, and then got into a terrible mess with money, dropping out in my final year and returning back home to my parent's house. I had to take any job that paid. In the subsequent years, I worked my way up to slightly 'better' jobs and studied with the OU in my spare time. Prior to having my son, I had an 'ok' comms job that paid fairly well for a single person with no commitments. If I now had to go back to that sort of job, for no financial gain, I think I might actually go crazy.

Cogito - didn't mean 'good mum' in the staying at home, baking cakes type of mum. I realise there are lots of different ways to be a good mum.

Gym doesn't have a creche unfortunately. The only local one that does, I 'd need to drive to get there.

I do need more practice at the driving but DH is never here. And when he is, we have no-one else to watch DS.

DH is just sick of me being miserable. I think he's happy with his current set up - gets to travel, has no childcare responsibilities and has a family life. He just wishes I would suck it up, and get on with things.

stillnotjustamummy- no not medway, around the garden cities way. I was hoping to do NCT classes to meet a few people locally, but DH didn't want to pay out for the courses. Seems like lots of people made friends from their groups - when I go to baby/toddler groups, lots of people seem to have already formed friendship groups from their NCT classes.

Keep on with the driving lessons, I think that having your license would be life changing for you. It would give you your freedom. You've only had two tests, cut yourself some slack. You say your husband still goes out with his friends, well he may have to sacrifice a few nights out for you to have a lesson once a week til you are at a standard to take another test. After all lessons are max. £25 an hour, a night out usually costs way more.

It's all about priorities and you passing your test is priority no. 1 right now. Good luck.

I totally understand how you feel as we moved to home counties a few years ago and living in a house that needs work.I have struggled to get enjoyable work as my husband also works away often.

So you need to have some goals, do you move back to the city and what timeframe? Maybe its 5 years but at least you have a target.Secondly, improve one area of your life, maybe that is driving.You have to believe that you can pass a driving test, don't give up! A good instructor will get you through the test.It will give you options so worth the financial investment.

Could you invite a friend to stay for the weekend and visit some local sights, it doesn't have to be walking and I'm sure you'll find a museum or theatre locally.

We are 6 months from completing our house, then I hope to move.It will be 5 years for me and I haven't been happy for many years have but learnt to make the best of it.It helps when the sun is shining though!

Oh dear, I can definitely understand why you want things to change. I'm a city girl too and I've often considered moving out to the suburbs (similar area) for more space/a better quality of life, but deep down I know I'd hate it.

Is it really not an option to move closer if you downsized, even to a train station that could take you into London if not London itself? Or one of the bigger towns? It seems cruel to force someone to live where they are essentially trapped by lack of transport.We have accepted that we have to live without a garden or our own house, when we could get a nice house out in the suburbs, but that's not the sort of thing that would improve our quality of life, so a 2 bed near the tube it is!

I also don't drive, I have dyspraxia which makes it very difficult, and as a city dweller I haven't had the push needed to get me to pass my test. I know it's hard if you have general problems with driving, and no one to practice with. It cost me a fortune to pay for extra lessons when all I needed was practice time. But that may be a short-term pain to get to get you to pass. Did you learn in a manual? If I was learning now I'd just go for an automatic, I stubbornly stuck to doing lessons in a manual but I think now I'd just take the easiest option.

It sounds like your DH has you right where he wants you tbh. At home, at his beck and call, financially beholden to him and doing as you're told

Oh, Stinkus - have a .

Here are my suggestions:

1. You are a family. DH is going out to work, but you are also working and contributing to the family, by looking after your son. This teamwork needs to be acknowledged/recognised by both of you.

1. Look at your budget together. If there is money for DH to socialise with friends, there should be money for you to socialise with friends. There should also be a separate allocation of money for activities for (you and) your son. How could the money be rearranged? Could DH take a packed lunch to work? Is there anything else which could be cut back? Could you earn some money at home? The Moneysavingexpert.com Forums have ideas on earning money from home and lots of ideas on making your money stretch further.

1. Go to the mother and baby groups, but approach them with an open mind. There will be other, like-minded women there, but you will have to get to know them a bit to find them!

1. Are there local parent and child cinema mornings anywhere near you? Perhaps try your local board for info or for people who would like to go with you?

1. Start three lists: things you would like to do on your own, things you would like to do with your son, and things you would like to do as a family.

1. Choose a hobby or interest you would like to do at home, and start it!

1. Take your son to London. Meet DH at home time. Send them home while you meet up with a friend or go to the theatre.

1. Go on day trips to London with your son - galleries such as the Tate are welcoming, and the South Bank is always good for a wander on a nice day.

1. Could you use your skills by working part-time for a small business or charity?

10. Could you go away for a few days during the week to stay with family? Hop on the train for a change of scenery and some new people?

StinkusMinkus - yes, of course you find your life too restricted and constraining. I'm not sure why your DH thinks he deserves all his freedoms and you deserve none. You must move somewhere where you have more opportunities.

Think DH buys into the crap advice he gets from women at work. The 'I went back to work before they even cut the cord' type who tell him that staying at home with a husband that works must be a doddle, 'I would love to be able to stay at home' etc. When I tell him how difficult I find it, he agrees, but I know that he's just placating me.

To be fair to him, he hardly ever goes out in the evening when he's at home. He just gets to 'lunch' a LOT, working in the city - both with colleagues and friends. And whenever he's working away, he'll go out for dinner, drinks, socialising etc. So although going away is 'his job', I think he does grasp the chance for a trip away whenever he can, as it means a jolly time outside of work hours. Not appreciating the fact that I'm stuck at him in the evenings whilst he's 'working'.