What do you do if you hate your life?

[StinkusMinkus]

I can't stand mine.

We live in Home Counties market town, impossible to get around if you don't drive (which I don't). Horrible run down house which needs LOTS of work doing to it, and no available funds. SAHM. DH never here - works away couple of days every other week and 7-7 at work when he is here. No family nearby, all several hours drive away.

I'm just really, really unhappy and don't know where to start making changes.

DH says we can't move due to finances and needing to be within an easy commute to London. I hate being stuck at home all day on my own with my son, but the alternative is putting him in childcare which I really would not be happy with.

DH's life has just continued as normal - working, meeting up with friends etc, and I've had my whole life turned upside down so that my life is now the antithesis of what I would have chosen for myself. I'm a city girl at heart and I'm going mad stuck in the suburbs.

What would you do/have you done in a similar situation?

There will be a lot to sort out but you sound positive. I hope this is the change you need.

Fwiw, I look on my five or so years as a single parent to young DS as some of the happiest of my life.

Well, you certainly won't be the first people to have found that your marriage falls apart under the strain of long working hours, a partner frequently working away, small children, and so on.

I'm sure you'll find plenty of support on MN from women who have already been through it and come out the other side.

Are you planning to get a flat back in London when you split up?

Am now waiting for him to go to bed so I can transfer to the sofa instead, and not have spiders walk over my head all night.

Probably not London, don't see how I'd afford it now. Likely to still be here, but in grimmer area/less salubrious accommodation etc.

Stinkus I'm sorry your relationship is collapsing.

I'm not going to really address that side of it, but more how you could change your life for the better, especially if you are on your own.

The first is that you do still need to drive, more than ever if your husband was the driver in the family. I would sell on your car and buy a cheap automatic, it's much easier to pass the automatic test, I know two people who did this as they failed the other test lots of times. It does mean you can only drive an automatic, but you can always retake the manual test later if you decide to do so. This would give you a pair of wheels and a lot of independence.

Secondly, I would go back to work for your own sanity. If you are on your own you will get child tax credits and much of the childcare paid if you get a job. It will also give you a purpose and some social contact, also children are little for a very short time before they are at school, getting on a decent career ladder (rather than taking just any admin job if that's not what you want) really pays off later on I've found, and all my friends who work in career jobs seem to have more satisfied lives if I'm honest than those who stayed home, unless they had a lot of money and nice times at home with lots of friends in a similar situation- I think this is due to that sense of purposeless which you speak of.

Good luck with it all- yes, you might not get everything on your list, but there's no reason you couldn't move into the busy part of the town you live in in a small flat, have a bookclub for single mums or go on the nights your DH has your son, find an interesting job and so on. I would not give up that easily on these dreams, indeed they might be somewhat easier if you have to please only you and your son certainly over things like location.

Go back and read your first post. How will being divorced make any of that better? Are you sure you're not focussing on one aspect of the "crapness" at the minute, and hoping that if you erase it everything will be ok? Do you have any feelings remaining for your husband? Is there any changes he could make? Could counselling help?

Oh Stinkus, I read your OP and thought "I bet she's in Hitchin".

I grew up there, left when I was 18 and moved back when I had DD1. I have never been more miserable in my entire life. We lasted six months and moved back to London. Huge improvement in quality of life.

I know many people love Hertfordshire, but if you don't click with it, it's a bloody soul-destroying place.

I wish you all the best for the future. You WILL get happier. Having a baby rips your life away, even if everything else stays the same- add other factors into the mix and it can floor you.

And if you are in Hitchin, go down the King's Arms tonight as my friend is DJing and he'll buy you a pint

Don't know what your budget is, but could you (and your DH?) look at heading the other way into Cambridge? You'd find more to do, he could still commute if necessary, and you wouldn't need to drive if that doesn't work out for you. Probably central Cambridge would be too expensive, but I'm thinking Cambridge suburbs near where the new station will be built.

Could you give the current house a lick of paint to freshen it up before putting it on the market?