What do you do if you hate your life?

[StinkusMinkus]

I can't stand mine.

We live in Home Counties market town, impossible to get around if you don't drive (which I don't). Horrible run down house which needs LOTS of work doing to it, and no available funds. SAHM. DH never here - works away couple of days every other week and 7-7 at work when he is here. No family nearby, all several hours drive away.

I'm just really, really unhappy and don't know where to start making changes.

DH says we can't move due to finances and needing to be within an easy commute to London. I hate being stuck at home all day on my own with my son, but the alternative is putting him in childcare which I really would not be happy with.

DH's life has just continued as normal - working, meeting up with friends etc, and I've had my whole life turned upside down so that my life is now the antithesis of what I would have chosen for myself. I'm a city girl at heart and I'm going mad stuck in the suburbs.

What would you do/have you done in a similar situation?

I do need to get my driving licence. Today we're stuck at home because it's peeing it down. Would be nice to be able to just jump in the car and pop to indoor play, swimming pool etc without having to be soaking by the time we got there.

No idea. But mine REALLY sucks.

What about the other suggestions people have been making.

Eveing class? Trips to London? Voluntary work?

I suspect (I may be wrong) that you have got yourself into a bit of a negative mindset and are dismissing things because of that. There will be an element of girding your loins and just trying things

The toddler groups for example - you seem to have really dismissed that. Did you really make a big effort to engage or did you go and sneer into the isntant coffee

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but you sound ground down and need a shake up

As does, for the recod, the balance of power in your relationship. But that's maybe another thread

As the great Maya Angelou said, RIP, 'either change it or change your attitude towards it'.

It sounds like you are very down. And this will lead you into cycle of despair. I can already read it in your posts - you can't learn to drive because of this, you can't get a job because of that.

I would focus on taking baby steps. Carry on with the driving lessons. Your husband CANNOT begrudge this money; he has a life full of interest and things to do; you don't. It isn't fair. This may open up doors for you, help you feel less low and thus help you rediscover your zing. Then you can put other plans in place.

Gosh I really feel your pain. I'm living somewhere I don't want to due to work, but at least I have work, although I'd like to be at home these days, as I really can't face being at work iyswim, although I'd be even more depressed to be at home

One thing I'd say about your driving. You said earlier that your DH will be pissed if you don't pass this time. Please don't go into your lessons and test thinking this. Think instead WHEN you pass it will be so great for you and DS to be able to get around wherever you want, whenever you want, and how easy it will be. You will pass, you will do it for you, never mind what your DH thinks.

Is there anyway you can finish your law degree? Or do some study through the OU? From what I read on here, there is some help towards childcare for students, someone might be able to confirm this.

I think a part time job would really help you, even if it does little more financially than cover the cost of childcare it will get you out and about in adult company. We are not all cut out to be sahms!

Maybe look for something completely unrelated to your previous work. You will find it more interesting if you are doing something new.

I know I sound negative, but things are really very difficult in you way you can't understand if you don't have the same sort of set up.

I was doing an evening class, dressmaking, which I really enjoyed. I have my own sewing machine and I was enjoying working on the projects in the evenings DH worked away. But I ended up missing too many classes, in a combination of DH working away (and having no sitter), and just standard stuff of late trains, needing to be at hospital for DSD etc.

Similarly with my driving. I have my own car, insured it and taxed it, but it's just left to rot on the drive as I can't drive it without DH and we have noone to watch DS. I could of course have gone for private lessons, but we haven't been able to afford it until now. My aunt has offered to pay for some lessons for me, and we'll have to pay for some top-ups and the test.

I'm making the best of the situation that I'm in - but there's not a lot to be made of it. I love the gym, so I go when I can but I'm reliant on DH being around. I take DS to a swimming class every week, and several times on my own as it's free with my gym membership. There's a indoor soft play area we go to at least once a week. As soon as he can walk, I want to take DS to Gymbabes. We go to the library weekly, and find new books for DS to read. I am doing stuff. I'm just constrained like a lot of SAHMs by travel, childcare and of course money. I would love to go into London more, and we're on a direct route into KX, but that's £30 alone just to get there by train. It's a once every couple of months 'treat' rather than something I can do regularly.

You need to make friends who live close by - mum and baby classes are the best way...just suck it up and get it done. treat it as a job to do which will benefit you in the end. Believe me those women at these classes are not there because they all love it either. make a friend and make that a priority.

Then you can simply offer to babysit for them and vice versa.

maybe put up a notice in your local shop (local Mum wants someone to share childcare with...)

I was like you - but i made a few friends and had some cover for childcare during the day which was great. Even just an hour or two at the gym could be the making of you.

I also don't drive, but have a good public transport system. but it means I can't go out at night. But people offer to come and get me some times which is nice.

I also got a part time job in a shop which sold lovely clothes. it was flexible and fitted around my husbands work - although he did need to sacrifice some things too. I worked Sundays for just 4 hours which was fine, although restricted us a little. but I loved it and felt much more confident.

Now i work from home as a writer. You could do freelance too from home if you want.

You don't need to have done NCT classes, is there a local branch? Have a look on the NCT website.

They may run local coffee morning groups, or toddlers groups. I met must of my friends there as our NCT class didn't gell that well. They may need help with the local committee to if your up for volunteering. Don't tell them this you don't need to be a member although they encourage it, it's not actually compulsory.

I'm no doctor but I'm getting the firm impression that you're sinking into depression if you're not there already.

"I can't do this because I haven't got that"

"I can't go to x because I know I wouldn't like it"

"There's no point in changing y because there wouldn't be any point"

And on and on and on.

If you can't talk to your husband about what you're feeling and how you both can take steps to change things, I think you probably need to talk to someone else.

Do keep on meaning to go to OpenHouse but I've never got round to it. Will make an extra effort to go this week.

That sounds more positive OP.

Is it really the case that you couldn't afford driving lessons (i.e. no money for it) or just that your DH didn't want to pay out for them? I know full well that driving lessons are expensive, but as your DH has a London job which demands working away and city lunches, it can't be paid too badly, and you aren't paying childcare costs. Is it genuinely a financial issue or more about control?

£30 for a return ticket into London isn't cheap, but if you're travelling with dc you might be able to save using a Family railcard, though these have time restrictions. There are usually ways to cut down on rail fares if you can travel off-peak.

Can you arrange to have a regular sitter for the nights that you want to do an evening class/gym? This won't be cheap either but if it's saving your mental health then it's cheaper than the inevitable family/mental breakdown costs that might otherwise result.

I have an odd but actually possibly helpful suggestion, something I am doing myself as part of a wish to change my sometimes unhelpful ways of thinking.

Please bear with me, OP, this is small but can make a big difference to how you feel....

Keep a notebook by your bed, and every night before you sleep, you write down just 3 things you appreciated or were grateful for during the day. It could be tiny things, like the smell of cut grass or the sun coming out, or bigger things like a kindness from someone etc. This actually trains your mind to start looking for the good stuff in each day, even when you're having a hard time. Costs nothing. Takes no time. Is no effort. Makes you feel better and frees up that 'stuck' part of your brain which keeps telling you all this stuff is shit, reinforcing what you think time and time again. Once that part is freed up, your creative side may come up with helpful stuff which may lead you to better stuff...

Sounds crazy but is worth a try and what could you lose?

I think you should re-consider a part-time job even although you wouldn't be financially any better off. Or enrol on a course at your local college as a lot of them do have nurseries attached.

It sounds like you'd be happier moving back to London. With 1 10 month old a 1 bed flat would be fine.

Done people don't suit the burbs, nothing wrong with that.

Lots of families compromise on living space to have the city lifestyle.

But it does sound like both you are depressed and that dh is not being a very good husband.

I feel sorry for you; I wouldn't have kids for this very reason as already feel isolated from everyone having moved away. I'd definitely think about starting up a part time from home business or join some local clubs so that you can have more contact with the outside world and more than just baby things and looking after husband to think about!

Where would you like to be in 5 years time? It sounds like, even if you can drive, you don't want to be living where you are.

So maybe now is the time to start looking at moving back into London. Yes, you'll have a much smaller house and garden, but you'll have activities you enjoy on your doorstep to share with your DC. You're the one who's at home all day, you've given his preferred lifestyle a chance, and no shame to saying that it doesn't work for you.

I can see your DH has an idyllic life style and doesn't want to move, but if things go on like this, presumably at some point your marriage will break down and you'll be moving back to the city without him.

Think I may be divorced in five years time. Probably by the end of the year even. The rest, I have no idea.

We went out to indoor/outdoor soft play today and saw a mum I knew vaguely from an earlier baby group. Would normally have just said hi, and left it at that. But, as priority number one is making friends, I made the effort to take DS over to sit with her and her friend. DS enjoyed being with the other babies (all the same age), and I stayed for an hour or so chatting.

AND - the club is opening up a crèche, so if I do have any money left after ending up divorced and on benefits, I can leave DS for up to two hours morning or afternoon.

People always talk about relationships being about compromising, but it sounds as though you've compromised more than your husband in this case Stinkus.

Not sure what I would do really, I guess LTB is a bit extreme.

That's really great Stinkus. Next step is to arrange to meet for coffee at yours next time you see them!

Sounds like you're beginning to see the wood for the trees in terms of who and what is holding you back at the moment?

OP - you need to get back to London. What do you need to do to make that happen? Can you rent your house out and rent a small place in London? Sell your house? Tell your husband that's what's going to happen and, if he doesn't like it, he can become the SAHP - on benefits if needs be.

I've been in your position and no amount of mother and toddler groups, friendly local mums, gym sessions etc can make up for living in an environment that is totally alien to your personality.

You owe it to your son to show him that his mother deserves to be treated like an equal by her husband; that women don't have to make all the sacrifices when parenthood comes along.

Christ, I wish I'd taken my own advice many years ago.

Best of luck to you - now GET BACK TO LONDON

I think you need to make it clear to your DH what's at stake here - he needs to know that you are tempted by divorce etc - if he is working this hard and you are in the home counties is a move really that impossible?

I'd go for that -and/or a one week crash(?)driving course?

We're getting divorced, well - legally separated, not been married long enough for a divorce. Told him this morning that I couldn't live like this anymore. Am now sleeping in DSDs room, on her mattress on the floor (cabin bed). Will probably be here for about a month or so until I sort out accommodation for me and DS.

Driving will have to wait (yet again) as that's the least of my worries now.

Ah...and how are you feeling? Is this the way forward do you think?

I feel ok. Worried about how I'm going to sort stuff out etc but certain that this is the right thing to do. Every time he called from 'drinks' whilst working away, I would just want to smash his face in for being an insensitive twat. I've grown to hate him for his selfishness.