Wedding Anniversary beckons....female perspective urgently required please!

[HDQ14]

Firstly I hope its appropriate for a man to post hereI really need female opinions/ideas!
Wife and I have been married for 15+ years and Wedding anniversary approaches very soon! I really want to make it a special evening as I normal try to do for birthdays, Xmas, Valentines etc. However the past few occasions have gone flat. Typically I would cook, spend time creating the scene (candles, confetti hearts.gimmicky bits etc).

Presents would normally include some lingerie (nice, not tacky!) but last time I ended up taking it all back for a refund as it was met with a fake laugh, as well as other presents (flowers, CDs, running gear etc). We have kids that keep us busy and obviously hinder any major plans, such as weekends away, which we used to do, I arranged a weekend in Italy for one birthday, she also took me away for my birthday.

For the past 5 years or so it always seems to be driven by me, and even then my efforts seem to be in vain. I also always take the lead in the bedroom, but even that has dried up as I have run out of patience.Im kind of protesting and gone on strike!

I read other posts of ladies who talk about getting ready for birthdays.beauty appointments etc, clearly making an effort for their other halfs..I am at a loss as to why my wife doesnt seem at all interested. I have suggested it before to her and she did go along with it a couple of times but it is always on my suggestion. She never initiates anything, it always seems to be a pain for her, and she seems to get nothing from it which is wrong. I have always wanted to spice things up and try new things, but would never dream of forcing anything. I just want her to be happy, but maybe with a few explorations. To be honest I would even settle for her to initiate!

I am not trying to portray the image of a perfect husband as I am sure I am not but I am trying to rekindle things and I really need some ideas/criticisms!

How many children do you have?
How old are they?
Does your wife work?
Is everything equal in the relationship with regard to finances, housework, child care?

I think you need to sit down and have a proper discussion about how you feel. And find out how she feels and why she just laughs at your attempts at gifts.

I think from her side, there's more to this than meets the eye!
Maybe some couples counselling?

I agree with hells. You can speculate all you want but ultimately you need to talk to her. Is there an opportunity for you you both to have some time without the kids around where you can do this?. She may even be just ground down with it all and and tired. Not sure about all the gimmicks you have used in the past. IMO this is a crap and predictable way of marking an important event but horses for courses I guess.
Talk to her.

How is your relationship normally? Do you have kids? Is she a sahm? Do you put any effort in on a day to day basis with her and the children or is it only about presents at birthdays and anniversaries?

Personally I hate being given underwear, I see it as a present for you not her. It's basically saying 'we're having sex tonight love'. She might not want to. Does she want running gear or are you telling her she's unfit?

Does she get time to herself? Have you actually spoken to her? Because you need to, rather than trying to guess.

I can see why an anniversary might crystallise your thinking, but 'set piece' occasions aren't actually important in comparison to day to day communication.

Buying presents of things she doesn't like, or arranging special evenings by the calendar, are (as you have discovered) not being appreciated. What would she actually like? Not for an anniversary but every single day?

What do you want? When did you last talk about it?

Maybe she just isnt into these things. DH and I struggle to remember our wedding anniversary and we have only been married three years. Thankfully we both see it as not important, and are more likely to acknowledge the date we got tigether (11 years ago).

I worked in a lingerie store all through uni and every Boxing Day/Feb 15th we would be flooded with women returning well-meant gifts from their significant others. As a general rule, a man's perception of "nice not tacky" does not align with a woman's, so unless it is something your wife has actually chosen herself, I would steer clear of lingerie as a gift, or buy her a gift card to a store you know she likes so that she can chose a style and fit that she is happy and comfortable with.

It doesn't sound like you are doing anything offensive per se in your efforts to "rekindle things" but here is one way your wife might be interpreting them:

You references to preparing for occasions with beauty treatments - explicitly saying that this is for your sake, not your wife's ("making an effort for their other halves" - puh-lease!), coupled with the gifts of lingerie, might be conveying to her that you are trying to make her over into some airbrushed, pristine pornstar ideal. Thoughts like this are not likely to rev a lady's engine, I'm sure you can appreciate.

My advice? Ditch the scattered rose petals and "traditional" gifts and don't hold out for any set outcome to the evening. Actually involve your wife and celebrate in a way that is personal and meaningful to you and your life and that makes her feel wanted just as she is.

Have you counted how many times you say I ? What would she like?

Lingerie is pretty much a gift for you, not for your wife. Learn this now.

I agree with others - look to your home. Do you take the initiative in dealing with half the house work, child rearing? I mean a real half not an imagined half.
Do you both work?
How old are your DC?

Nothing will kill a woman's spice like feeling ground down with the day to day grunge of life re housework and child rearing. Leaves you knackered too.

I once had a boss who asked me to write a report. So I did. Three times it was rejected with the words 'that's not what I wanted'... When I asked 'what is it you want?' I got the reply 'I can't write it for you'. That person was deliberately setting me up to fail because they wanted to get rid of me. And it worked

Assuming your DW isn't setting you up to fail, you have to talk to each other honestly. Reconnect properly rather than keeping on with unwanted romantic gestures.

The presents you give seem traditionally nice, but they do all sound like a prelude to sex, starting with the flowers and moving up to the heavy stuff. But she's clearly not having great sex with you, so they could either feel like you are saying "You need to be making yourself more sexy, e.g. with this lingerie" or maybe even "I'm having a great time in bed and haven't even noticed that you are not, or possibly couldn't care less".

If your wife is suffering from dryness, pain, numbness, worry at being disturbed by children, poor self-image etc. when making love, she won't be initiating anything, however fanciable you are. You need to find out what is stopping her enjoying herself in bed, making it clear that it is not just because you are impatient for sex but because you are concerned about someone you love. ("I have run out of patience and am on strike" ... not the absolute image of the perfect husband, no!)

One way of showing that you are interested in her as a person, not as a dutiful wife, would be to find out what she herself wants as a present. How old are the kids? Can you ask them what it is their mum spends time drooling over at the shops? Have you noticed her showing an interest in any particular adverts? Talking about things her friends have? Could you arrange to go to the shops with her "just for some window shopping" to get some clues?

The best present DH gave me when our DCs were smaller was utterly selfless... a pile of books, a bottle of wine and a day to myself.

Stuff like that is why I still love the pants off the man.

YY to BeCool and ravenmum.

Thanks for all the responses and critricisms!. Exactly what I needed (and asked for) and a wakeup call for me!

Wife is certainly not a SAHM, although she is at home, she works at home and works hard. So hard that I end up clearing up most of the time. We both work hard! But as I say to her I wouldnt swop jobs, I know how hard she works, and appreciate it. I honestly do my fair share (not imagined!) around the house!

I know there are lots of I's there but I am just trying to figure out where I am going wrong!

I have obviously come accross as a man that wants a trophy wife! Nothing could be further from the truth!

"So hard that I end up clearing up most of the time"

Nice.

How old are your kids?

Spa weekend away with you having already arranged childcare/pet care?

What did she enjoy before she was a wife/mother?

Does she have the same amount of child free leisure time as you?

Resentment is a huge passion killer.

OP please don't get side-tracked with the domestic stuff. Yes, it's important that everyone in a home is pulling their weight and feeling valued but the situation you describe is - pardon me for putting words in your mouth - you're not on the same page so when you think you're doing something nice for her, you end up feeling rejected.

Truth is that that kind of dynamic can be a result of any number of things. You will not find out what is going on until you can make the time and space to have a properly honest - possibly painful - conversation with each other.

So hard that I end up clearing up most of the time.
Do you mean day to day clearing up?

What about:
washing, drying, ironing, putting away family clothes; mopping floors, cooking meals; washing up; unloading/loading dishwasher; grocery shopping; preparing school lunches; making beds; cleaning car; cleaning windows; bathroom/toilet; hoovering; kitchen; family administration (health, doctors, school stuff, remembering appointments), organising finances, organising holidays, organising days out, making picnics, filing paperwork, buying birthday presents for DC's friends, organising parties for DC, planning and organising Xmas; buying clothes/shoes/uniform for DC etc etc etc

I say all the above as these are often things women on MN complain about as they get all ^^ left to them as their P's think 50% is washing up after dinner and picking up a few toys. Not saying you are this person HDQ but you might like to really examine your division of labour re family life to ensure that it isn't an issue.

Thanks for that. The 'clearing up' was just to put into perspective that i do genuinely pull my weight, and it doesnt just stop there (honestly!). It wasnt meant to be condescending nor complaining. I am not bitter of my situation just trying to get objective criticism on how we can get back on track! I have had lots of objective criticism so will move on with these and see what I can do!

Ok a couple of really basic answers.

Flowers and dinner mean nothing if the person offering them cannot say and mean 'I love you and I really appreciate you' sincerely and be believed.

Some people just aren't into making a big fuss about anniversaries and see the whole concept as a bit commercial, tacky and tokenistic. It doesn't sound like that's been true in the past but have any of your past celebrations been more about things you both wanted to do that were more in the flow of your lives, so felt like a natural progression or shared treat, rather than feeling staged?

You need to talk to her about how she feels about life generally, what's going well, what isn't, what's just a drag and what has been absent for so long she's forgotten about it. Have all these experiences changed who she is and what she wants?

I think you need to stop seeing this as a "what women want" issue. There is no single present that ALL women would like. Try giving her things that suit her personality, not some relationship / gender construct. Try treating her as you would any other person you love and care for. It sounds to me like you see her as a series of characteristics and behaviours, not as a unique person.

You need to talk to your wife. It's obvious what she wants and what you think she wants are two different things.

how about you just say, "listen i want to get you something nice for our anniversary because i appreciate you and i love you and i want to show it but i want it to be something you actually want rather than some clumsy attempt by me. is there something you would really like for yourself - either something i can buy you or something i can provide like taking care of everything here so you can get away for a weekend or something?". an honest open conversation may ensue where without accusation and owning it you are able to open up about how you feel you're always getting it wrong and all you want is for her to know that you love her and appreciate her and could she help you out by telling you if there's something she needs or wants from you and that you can handle whatever she says to you even if it's hard to hear because you are feeling distant from her and want to address it.

this is grown up stuff - not nonsense that a bunch of flowers or whatever other hallmark nonsense crap covers.

look her in the eye as a real human being rather than your wife or a mother and talk to her