Wedding Anniversary beckons....female perspective urgently required please!

[HDQ14]

Firstly I hope its appropriate for a man to post hereI really need female opinions/ideas!
Wife and I have been married for 15+ years and Wedding anniversary approaches very soon! I really want to make it a special evening as I normal try to do for birthdays, Xmas, Valentines etc. However the past few occasions have gone flat. Typically I would cook, spend time creating the scene (candles, confetti hearts.gimmicky bits etc).

Presents would normally include some lingerie (nice, not tacky!) but last time I ended up taking it all back for a refund as it was met with a fake laugh, as well as other presents (flowers, CDs, running gear etc). We have kids that keep us busy and obviously hinder any major plans, such as weekends away, which we used to do, I arranged a weekend in Italy for one birthday, she also took me away for my birthday.

For the past 5 years or so it always seems to be driven by me, and even then my efforts seem to be in vain. I also always take the lead in the bedroom, but even that has dried up as I have run out of patience.Im kind of protesting and gone on strike!

I read other posts of ladies who talk about getting ready for birthdays.beauty appointments etc, clearly making an effort for their other halfs..I am at a loss as to why my wife doesnt seem at all interested. I have suggested it before to her and she did go along with it a couple of times but it is always on my suggestion. She never initiates anything, it always seems to be a pain for her, and she seems to get nothing from it which is wrong. I have always wanted to spice things up and try new things, but would never dream of forcing anything. I just want her to be happy, but maybe with a few explorations. To be honest I would even settle for her to initiate!

I am not trying to portray the image of a perfect husband as I am sure I am not but I am trying to rekindle things and I really need some ideas/criticisms!

Tbh your op starts by asking about a gift and quickly turns into a moan about lack of sex. Gifts which equate to sex aren't too far short of 'paying for it'.

I get your frustration but honestly, talk to her about life in general, what she likes doing, what she dreams of. No good booking a spa for a person who'd rather be digging her allotment IYSWIM.

agreed.

you've got to try and reconnect as two people and in friendship and partnership before you worry about the sex. and it needs to feel that that interest in her as a person, friend and partner is genuine and love based rather than just a tool to get to the sex.

yy to all of the above. Try to remember what you like about her before you think about what you love. And then resolve to tell her. "I really like the way you . . . " (not in a sexual way!)

Get to know her as a person. Find out what she would like to do with you as a person. As others have said, there are lots of things you haven't mentioned which make great presents:

A day out? Jewellery? An evening at the theatre with childcare organised? I once had a gift cheque book, with a couple of filled in cheques and lots of blank cheques in. "I promise to pay the bearer ..........................(a shoulder massage every evening for a week/a loooong bath with no interruptions/my unconditional support next time the kids are arguing/to do whatever you want on Saturday Xth)

So, what would she like? For me it's something that's had some thought put into it, wouldn't mean it would be anyone else's choice though; a bottle of the perfume I wore when we married, I'd lost mine on our honeymoon and he had remembered what it was called, a cardie for work as I kept complaining how cold it was.

It sounds like some of these gifts , events , ect are actually covert contracts , ie , ill do this for you and in return I secretly expect sex. The lingerie in particular is actually a gift for yourself and could easily make her feel objectified. I would feel very pressurized to have sex with meals , candles , confetti. Maybe your wife wants to feel desired as opposed to romanced , not all women are into romantic lovemaking.

You list lots of things you like about your wife , but what does your wife like about you ? Are you good company , are you funny , in good shape ? You need to look honestly at what has changed that has caused a lack of sex. Regarding wanting your wife to initiate more , many women don't and are uncomfortable with this. Not initiating because she isn't is a little childish I think and is going to cause a stale mate scenario. You know she isn't a fan of initiating so I'm not sure what you expect to happen.

I note you've mentioned your wife doesn't seem to make much of an effort. Do you ? Are you in good shape , do you dress nicely , are you well groomed ?

Don't worry i have the prefect gift idea, a couple of sessions with a counsellor for you both. It'll be the best gift you've ever given.

In a similar situation OP, I wouldn't go with getthefeck's suggestion though, it ended up with DW in tears and me going on my own in the end!

You simply cannot nice someone into wanting sex with you . Doing all the nice things in the world won't help if she's not attracted to you. Doing too many nice things such as constantly cleaning up after her , or organizing trips away , when it's not reciprocated will make you look needy which isn't attractive . Somebody would be dismissive about my organizing an event just one time only , because I wouldn't do it for them again and I would tell them why.

Have you actually told your wife you are getting fed up being the only one who's making an effort in the marriage ?

Whereisshe is right that there is no single present all women would like.
My DH booked an expensive spa day for me and I was bored out of my brain.
What is she interested in outside of home and family ?

You sound as though you are really trying hard but not getting anywhere.

You need to sit down and talk to her about what is going on. Be careful about it, if you make it sound like a complaint it'll be counterproductive. When did you last ask her if she is happy? If you get a no or noncommittal answer, ask her why she feels this way, and what she would like to be different in her life, and what you can do.

(and lingerie is ALWAYS a gift for the man, unless it's a multipack of black granny knickers for everyday wear. I even bought lingerie for me to wear for my OH for HIS birthday, and he really liked the idea. Don't feel stupid though, the shops market it to men as an ideal gift. It's not, it's just a good way for shops to boost their income).

Oh dear, oh dear! I'm sorry, I don't like the sound of you at all. You want to spice it up, give her lingerie, you want her to make an effort for her other half, you'd settle for her to initiate, and she doesn't get anything from it? Where is the communication, mister? Why are you asking us, not her? Why have you come to mumsnet to say your wife is a dreary housewife and ask us to improve her?

Re-think your life. Sex is 24/7. If she's overworked, if you're not doing your share and not providing domestic help of any other kind, don't expect her to be full of fun and keen for sexual explorations. Its just one more job she needs to get through before she can get some sleep.

To 'spice up' your wife:
Make sure she has time, money, space to herself - that she can afford make-up, clothes etc
Ensure that you are a good husband and father - that you spend quality time together as a family so that she can respect you in your most important roles
Take her out and about, regularly, so that she is in the habit of enjoying her time with you
Listen to her. Not talk, listen. When she says something, ask for more detail. Listen to what she says and act upon it. Let her know she can trust you to be interested in her and respectful of her needs, wants and opinions.

Now, this anniversary:
Arrange a lot of childcare and domestic help - nothing eases a woman's burden more than having a miraculously clean and tidy house.
Sort your wife the spa days, shopping trips etc that you think might be fun for her. Ideally, take her shopping yourself, and treat her like a princess.
Arrange a wonderful (but fairly light) meal out and a night in a boutique hotel.
Try to get across to your wife that all this does not mean she is obliged to 'perform' sexually.
See what transpires.

Have you asked her what she wants OP?

If so, what does she say?

The thing is, your presents are based around the lead up to sex. And that's the one thing she's not keen on at the minute.

You want her to have sex with you because she wants to, not because she feels like she has to because you've bought her some lingerie and candles.

You sound very thoughtful but I do agree it all sounds a bit prelude to sex ish!

Why don't you ask her what she would like to do for her birthday? The answer might be nothing but it is better than her doing something she does not want to.

You could still get her some flowers and something you know she would like.

I hate surprises. DH always, very unsubtley, sounds me out. 'So and so was saying there's a really nice new Italian place on the quayside. D'you fancy trying it one night?' Said a week before my last birthday.

And he buys me something he knows I'd like- not necessarily romantic or expensive- last year was flowers, an itunes card and a tree for the garden.

That's a bit harsh I will , there's nothing wrong in expecting a healthy sex life. It sounds like the Op has already done everything you suggest and I think it's this sort of arse kissing that is probably causing the problem , along with stereo Typical ideas about what women enjoy doing , or should enjoy doing , and what should make them want to have sex.

A spa day would be my worse nightmare , shopping comes a close second unless I really need something , and I couldn't really care less about the state of the house. The idea that all women are into spa days and shopping is so stereo Typical it's laughable.

Treating an ungrateful unapreciative wife like a precious princess is going to make the problem worse in my opinion. Don't cater to this nonsense , this aproach isn't going to change anything. If you keep doing what you've always done your going to get the same results. And you know already that these things aren't getting you anywhere. In pandering to your wife with trips away , presents and meals you are effectively telling your wife your happy with the way things are , and there is no incentive for her to change. You seem over eager to please her and she will know this. Considering she's not arsed or engaged with anniversaries and is returning gifts I don't think I'd bother this time.

I think what's probably happened is that when you first met you were probably more assertive and confident , and that over time you have lost some of that and are now more focused on making your wife happy and your happiness is now totally dependant on your wife.

Opening post is somewhat pompous. Not sure that would entice a tired wife into being a better lover.

Any man who tried the "candlelight and rose petals" thing on me would be told to call me when he'd located his balls.

I'm with IWill, this sounds more like an attempt to make OP's wife over into a primped, compliant Stepford sex doll. If she's picking up on that, no wonder she isn't keen.

My reaction on reading that has been voiced by many:
It's all about you, and it's all about sex.

'Arrange a wonderful (but fairly light) meal out'

Eh?

I think the point behind that Glasto is that women should not enjoy 'proper' food, but should instead enjoy a nice light salad so as not to put on weight ruin their figure

Quite Sparkly. I don't appreciate being 'treated like a princess' either. See, us women are all different! Its a difficult concept for some to grasp I know.

Exactly, surely it should be no harder to understand then 2+2 = 4. I mean my 3 year old knows that we are all different, and all like different things. I don't like being treated like a princess either, instead DH shows me how special I am by things such as campaigning to student finance for me for months/years to get funding for my degree as he wasn't going to see me lose my dream (his words). Things like that, that show he loves and respects me as a person are what make me go all mushy

I wondered about the 'fairly light' meal too.

Wtf?? Bollocks to that.

Yes. Wedding anniversary equals sex. NOT! Why are those two things in the same conversation? You should be showing how much you love and appreciate her, not what you can do to make her give you more sex!
Selfish, much!

Y y Reality - Special occassion sex usually seems to mean pity or duty sex. Not something that should happen IMO.