Wedding Anniversary beckons....female perspective urgently required please!

[HDQ14]

Firstly I hope its appropriate for a man to post hereI really need female opinions/ideas!
Wife and I have been married for 15+ years and Wedding anniversary approaches very soon! I really want to make it a special evening as I normal try to do for birthdays, Xmas, Valentines etc. However the past few occasions have gone flat. Typically I would cook, spend time creating the scene (candles, confetti hearts.gimmicky bits etc).

Presents would normally include some lingerie (nice, not tacky!) but last time I ended up taking it all back for a refund as it was met with a fake laugh, as well as other presents (flowers, CDs, running gear etc). We have kids that keep us busy and obviously hinder any major plans, such as weekends away, which we used to do, I arranged a weekend in Italy for one birthday, she also took me away for my birthday.

For the past 5 years or so it always seems to be driven by me, and even then my efforts seem to be in vain. I also always take the lead in the bedroom, but even that has dried up as I have run out of patience.Im kind of protesting and gone on strike!

I read other posts of ladies who talk about getting ready for birthdays.beauty appointments etc, clearly making an effort for their other halfs..I am at a loss as to why my wife doesnt seem at all interested. I have suggested it before to her and she did go along with it a couple of times but it is always on my suggestion. She never initiates anything, it always seems to be a pain for her, and she seems to get nothing from it which is wrong. I have always wanted to spice things up and try new things, but would never dream of forcing anything. I just want her to be happy, but maybe with a few explorations. To be honest I would even settle for her to initiate!

I am not trying to portray the image of a perfect husband as I am sure I am not but I am trying to rekindle things and I really need some ideas/criticisms!

Agree re special occasion sex - could never get the point of jokes re birthday blow jobs etc.

Looks like OP has left this thread - probably didn't like what we had to say

I do feel the OP got a bit of a hard time. He is trying to understand his wife, and it felt to me as if he was being punished for all the perceived shortcomings of the male gender, not only the shortcomings he mentioned specifically.

HDQ14, I know you asked for comments and criticism and have appreciated getting them. I just wanted to say well done for putting yourself out there and looking for assistance. Not all would do this so openly.

I loved shockers answer as that would hit the spot for me. Mind you a foot massage would be my idea of heaven. I like fancy and special but don't actually need it and if that is what you want then giving fancy and special on a non anniversary day makes it so much more.

I know there are always two sides to every story and my side was I gave up and didn't care enough. Yes exhaustion and lots of factors played a part in why I gave up so finding out what truly works for your wife is important and then I hope she also does the same for you. Good luck

I'm going to suggest a little something and it's way out there.

How about asking her what she'd like for the anniversary?

Is your wife actually a candles and confetti sort of person, op? I would actually laugh if anyone did that for me. I'd also feel really uncomfortable. Partly because of the obvious expectation of sex, and partly because I find stuff like that so staged and so fake.

My dh has never ever ever bought me flowers, even. I like flowers. He knows I like flowers, but it would never occur to him to buy them for me. But he does endless daily acts of generosity and consideration and I adore him for it. I'm not saying you don't, but I think such a focus on stereotypical special occasions if often misguided.

I personally find the undies idea repellant. It's a present for the man, and it's a manipulative gesture designed to guilt a woman into having sex.

I don't think you sound particularly selfish/entitled, HD, and am glad you've had so many constructive replies. I think HoneyBadger's posts are wise.

While I wouldn't say you were selfish, it does come across that there's a very rigid (and clichéd) picture in your head of what A Romantic Occasion looks like. It's all based around what 'women' like, and does seem rather painfully to end in grateful sex. You probably don't need telling that sex isn't something your wife does "for" you, but perhaps you did need to be shown that this is actually what your imagined scenario implies. Her sardonic laughter at the gift of undies shows all to clearly that she sees it.

Your wife isn't 'women'. She's the unique, multi-faceted, thinking, feeling, hurting, loving, hoping, laughing, opinionated individual who shares your life, and shares her life with you. You don't seem to have noticed a whole lot about who she is, regrettably. You can fix that :)

Maybe she really wants a model train, an air compressor with tools, an opportunity to meet her favourite author, a flying lesson, a set of crampons, a satnav, a Mulberry handbag, a Chinese course, a subscription to some society, a slap-up dinner in France, a ceilidh night, tickets to a gig, a guitar, a really good haircut, some Robin Elt shoes, a comedy night ... ... ... You get the idea; the idea being that she is not 'women'

I'd do what HoneyBadger suggested, if I were you. Good luck!

shockers your DH sounds like a GEM! I would love that!

OP, it sounds like you make the mistake a lot of men make. You do the GRAND gestures, instead of the small, inconsequential, every day things that help keep a marriage happy.

For eg, buying lingerie, flowers etc... are default gifts for men with no imagination, and you are really buying them for you. I too have returned lingerie after DH went and bought some HE liked, which were completely impractical to be of any use apart from the bedroom. And if he knew me at all, he'd know, I'm a practical kind of person.

Is your wife and girly girl, and does she like the confetti, gimmicky stuff? If she isn't, she would find this cringey.

Book a lovely restaurant, and a babysitter, and take your wife out for a dinner to her favourite style of food. Keep it relaxed and have a laugh with her. Or even a wine bar, for some bar snacks and a fantastic bottle of wine. How about a movie? Do this REGULARLY, not just birthdays/anniversaries - that's only 3 times a year!!!

It sounds like your wife is depressed tbh. Is she overworked? Does she see her friends? Family? Does she have interests outside of the DC, work and home?

On a regular basis, things my DH does that I like are, making me a drink in the evening, offering to cook the family meal and having his own idea about what to cook, taking the DC out for a few hours so I have some quiet time, seeing something he thinks I'd like (whether a bar of chocolate, a book, a funny card) and buying it (this is very RARE, but shows he is thinking of me), knocking things of the to do list, without me having to ask nag.

She works from home and has a family. Nothing personal but I imagine she'd like a nice long weekend off away from you all. Just a good book, some warm sunshine to read it in and no obligation to do anything. At. All. Spa, shopping, sightseeing, comedy club etc etc all depending on her preferences.
She's either knackered permanently or she has fallen out of love with you. Both things are fixable but you need to talk to her.

Nothing personal but I imagine she'd like a nice long weekend off away from you all
That's probably the truth!

Glastokitty Thu 29-May-14 03:38:24 'Arrange a wonderful (but fairly light) meal out' Eh?

Nobody shags happily on an overfull stomach, surely?

Come back OP!

I'm sure OP will be back. He came here looking for answers and if he tries to ignore the responses, that will explain why his wife is so dissatisfied with his efforts.

If you ask a question, it is so important to listen to the answer. It's the only way to learn.

It sounds like your relationship is pretty luke warm. It's her fault as much as yours if she hasn't said anything. Five years is a longtime to be chasing someone who shows little enthusiasm back. On the sex front I can imagine you ended up feeling like a sex pest as nothing was initiated by your wife.

This isn't a case of do more around the house, be a better father or any of the other things said. You both work, you both do your share at home. Maybe in the fog of daily life you've just sight of each other, who you are as individuals and why you loved each other to start with.

How are you day to day? Are you an otherwise affectionate couple? Do you hug? Hold hands? Kiss? Do you make time for one another? Not watching tv, but sharing activities, talking?

It is time to drop the cliche presents and think of something she'd truly like, something that says I know you and I love you, I'm afraid no one here can do it for you, we don't know your wife! A meal with just the two of you, hold her right that night but don't initiate anything, as hard as it may be, could show her that it was for her and not for sex.

If you put in the effort, there's still no affection, no sex, no appreciation, then you need to ask yourself what are you getting out of the relationship? Would you be happy to live like this for another 10/20/30 years? It may be time for a sit down chat to discuss what you both want and how you're going to achieve it.

Iwillifhewill, well no. but I wouldn't want someone telling me I couldn't have pie and chips if I wanted it just so they could get a legover.

Iwillifhewill, well no. but I wouldn't want someone telling me I couldn't have pie and chips if I wanted it just so they could get a legover
I was hoping he'd be more subtle, take her for a very fancy meal where they don't give you much to eat but set it all out nicely on the plate. With foam and drizzle. Dire if you're hungry, pleasant as a prelude to love, perhaps?
Me, well, I'd take the pie and chips and the send him off with a porn DVD and a rubber glove.
[No, I wouldn't. Well, I'd have the chips...]

If my husband took me out for foam and drizzle I would be cross and hungry and legover chances would be zero.

Is the OP still here ? Lol....

Well, even on MN's here, sometimes most of us can only give us what "we would do in your situation". But the most useful thing is to always see it as a "need to find specific solution to my specific scenario".

To me, if it was the right person, I would love what you suggested as a memory each year of our journey together. But sometimes you can fall off the wagon and not just do things for the sake of it, but to do it because you both genuinely want to do so.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a trophy wife so to speak. But you do need to stop comparing your own wife to other ladies. Also, you need to dig deeper, and truly connect with your wife too. When people connect so closely together, the wanting to be together part comes out of the woodwork naturally. Have you always been the kind of husband who supported your wife to be who she truly is ? Don't do these 50/50 split if it does not suit both of you as a couple. I know that there is a lot of ladies here who complain left right and centre and so forth, but if you still see the wife as unhappy, then it cannot be the most happiest combination for you both as couple, can it ? You need to find out your "golden rules" that which makes you both as a couple work.

Don't have ideas and then try it on your wife. But keep a list of things which she does like, and she actually genuinely is happy with. You know when your wife is happy when she praises and finds surprise in the things that she is exposed to. Watch her, and remind yourself that these moments and those things which makes her laugh is truly what she is about as a person. That is her personality. Always support the growth of her personality. Don't plug ideas out of thin air and try it on her, cos the connection between you both will never work. You need to truly "get" her. She also need to be open,tell you what she does and does not like too. Not her treading on tip toes when you did something for her and she is too shy to tell it to you so in fear that she may insult you.

Why don't you open a dialogue and talk about doing something special for anniversary this year and that you like some ideas and input from her too ?