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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man - problems in the bedroom.

75 replies

WhatcanIdo55 · 27/05/2014 17:02

Ive name changed for this but Ive been seeing a man for a few months and theres been a problem with the sex from the start. He seems to have problems getting it up/keeping it up. He blamed it on nerves to begin with but its been too long for that to still be the case. Hes always watched alot of porn and he has been blaming his problem on that but today when I initiated sex he backed off and said he find its only really works if hes the one to initiate. This is quite an issue as I have a much higher sex drive and feel like I have to tone it down a bit. He told me that I really dont have to but that if I do initiate I will have to get used to being told 'another time'.

I dont know if its a combination of things causing the problem or just this 'initiating' thing and hes only just felt comfortable telling me now. I want to be patient and supportive but hes not yet been to the doctors to rule out health problems and all the while I'm getting turned down and left feeling on edge when we start something in case it doesn't work. What exactly can I be doing if anything? Anyone have any experience with this?

OP posts:
TheHoundsBitch · 27/05/2014 17:07

Life's too short. Find someone who you are asexually compatible with before he destroys your self confidence.

TheHoundsBitch · 27/05/2014 17:07

*sexually not asexually! Blush

wtffgs · 27/05/2014 17:08

So he's not comfortable with you initiating? In other words, you expressing your sexuality freely is not allowed Hmm

A normal man would be a) fucking delighted not to have to be the one to always start, b) in the interests of his own health, never mind any relationship, get this issue dealt with at the GP and c) wouldn't be a pathetic porn- oggler.

I wasted a decade on someone like this Angry

Walk away and find someone better!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 17:13

Agree with PP's.... far too many one-sided compromises already. Time to be a little more selfish and a little less patient and supportive. NEXT!

Jan45 · 27/05/2014 17:15

He sounds damaged beyond help.

Strawdolly · 27/05/2014 17:17

when I initiated sex he backed off and said he find its only really works if hes the one to initiate

This made me wonder if he uses viagra. Disclaimer: I have no idea of the ins and outs Wink of these things, just thought I'd mention it as a possibility.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 27/05/2014 17:19

Bloody hell, there doesn't even need to be an erection in the room for him to give you a good time. That he doesn't appear to have thought of that if he truly has some form of ED is worrisome. That he rejects you initiating sex is even more so.

He's got a problem and I don't think you should accept any responsibility for it. He's either completely desensitised through his use of porn or he has Very Particular Requirements which he hasn't shared with you. None of which bodes well for a carefree and satisfying sex life.

AMumInScotland · 27/05/2014 17:22

Since you've been seeing each other for a few months, he has had plenty of time to get medical advice if he wanted to. So, he either hasn't asked the GP, has asked and not taken the advice, or even with the advice he can't sort out his issues himself.

And... he's not talking to you about how you can both work together to get round the issue.

So... unless you are happy with a low-sex relationship (which clearly you aren't) then I don't think this relationship has a viable future.

Problems can be got round. But only if people admit there is a problem and work on it openly and honestly. He isn't willing or able to do that, and his only suggestion for dealing with your sex life is "Do things the way that suits me". Not good enough, specially in a new relationship.

isabellavine · 27/05/2014 17:23

As someone who worked for a bit in the sexual health area, I am a bit shocked at the responses to this! If he's a nice guy in other ways, this is definitely not a reason to quit a relationship, because something can potentially be done!

ED is a real issue for men, and one that causes significant misery and loss of confidence. It's also really, really common in older guys in their 40s and 50s. It is something that ought to be checked out medically to rule out physical causes - much depends on whether he's willing to do this, prompted by you. If it's psychological, it can often be solved very simply - viagra can work wonders. In other cases, a loving, sharing, secure relationship can be all it takes. Smile

It's really about sitting down and having a caring discussion about it, in a way that doesn't make him feel hurt or humiliated (which will only worsen the problem). It's also about you realising that it's NOT - absolutely NOT - your fault in any way (i.e. it doesn't happen because he doesn't find you attractive). A lot of women who have partners with this issue feel rejected and pushed away, which is part of why it can be so corrosive, and so important to discuss. If you can have that conversation, however, you may find that the answer is quite simple.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 27/05/2014 17:25

"He seems to have problems getting it up/keeping it up."

"He find it only really works if he's the one to initiate."

What does this mean, that he has to initiate it but he can't keep it up even then? Honestly, I might be a hard-hearted bitch with no compassion worth speaking of but I really couldn't be arsed with this.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 27/05/2014 17:28

Issue one - surmountable. My current bf had this issue at the start. He was really nervous and felt crap that it wasn't happening. I didn't know what the hell to do but he made damn sure I enjoyed myself anyway, and as we got to know eachother's bodies better, it just happened. yay!

Issue two - just no. Creepy, weird and probable indicator that he can only get aroused when he's got a particular pornographic scenario going on in his head. I'd honestly run.

oikopolis · 27/05/2014 17:28

the possible ED isn't the issue.

he's a heavy porn user who doesn't like it when women initiate sex.

he needs to not be in a relationship. paying for it would probably work better for him.

Get rid OP, his problems are not your responsibility and they'll only lead to unhappiness for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 17:28

He's not a partner, he's a guy she just met. Get what you're saying about people having to be sensitive about ED problems and, if you've been with some lovely chap for 10 or 20 years and he starts having difficulties, naturally you're going to explore all the avenues. The OP has only known this guy a few months, already knows that he watches a lot of porn & his answer to the problem is 'I have to be in charge' Hmm. The OP owes him nothing.

KellyHopter · 27/05/2014 17:32

Another with fucked up sexuality due to porn use.
So you can't initiate? Why, because porn and sex are interchangeable and porn is accessed when the user feels like it?

You owe him nothing. Move on.

expatinscotland · 27/05/2014 17:32

FFS. It should not be such hard work so early on. All this compromising, discussions, etc. this is the fun, honeymoon part.

And any guy who uses porn so much?

Yuk.

Life is WAY too short.

Move on.

wtffgs · 27/05/2014 19:55

Ah! See we are a bunch of vipers! Wink

He can't get it up because he only likes it when he has total control nod your pleasure is irrelevant or an annoyance. I suppose I do feel(a bit) sorry for blokes who have ended up in the "only porn works" trap - much more sympathy for the sex workers, trafficked women and overly-patient women who bear the brunt of this. Sad

naicesex · 27/05/2014 21:30

He cant get it up IMHO because he has quite a serious problem with porn. He needs to break the habit.

You need to decide if you want to be with someone who has this kind of issue. It probably wont go away on its own and may well begin to escalate.

Good luck OP.

RedRoom · 27/05/2014 21:34

This isn't about giving up on a man who has ED. This is about a guy who doesn't like it when women initiate sex and who admits that he uses porn so much it is affecting sex with real women. Why should any woman have a life of waiting to be invited to have sex in order to save an ego? I'd walk away: he needs to learn that sex is two way. He's been watching men do as they please with women on a widescreen and thinks that how real women should behave.

gamerchick · 27/05/2014 21:39

Christ life is to short to have to deal with this sort of shit so early on in a relationship. This early on should be at the wanting to climb inside each other stage and having some every chance you get.

i couldn't be doing with walking on eggshells around sex and waiting till I was summoned. fuck that for a lark.

Botanicbaby · 27/05/2014 21:39

Am sorry but I don't think it sounds like he is capable of an ongoing sexual relationship with another person.

I know that sounds harsh but you've only known him for a few months and already he has used three different 'excuses' (nerves, porn use, the fact you initiate it) for the problems you are experiencing in having sex.

Whilst I sympathise entirely with those suffering from ED, I would bet anything his inability to perform is down to excessive porn use. You are already feeling on edge about sex and no wonder after being turned down so much...this should be your honeymoon period in a new relationship.

If you really like him (and I know its easy to type, 'just leave') and he likes you then he'll take steps to resolve it. But I don't think he'll be booking a doctor's apt any time soon.

From the sounds of it he likes things just as they are, where he can fob you off with the 'initiation' excuse and it doesn't matter that you are left feeling frustrated, unwanted, on edge and he doesn't have to 'perform'. There are other things he could do, its not all about penetrative sex but it sounds like its all about his needs, not yours.

littlegreengloworm · 27/05/2014 21:40

Er, goodbye and good riddance

Move on

Pinkballoon · 27/05/2014 22:10

ED can be caused by quite a few things - alcohol, cocaine, infidelity, etc (as well as porn.) How well do you know him? Do you know anything about his previous relationships?

expatinscotland · 27/05/2014 22:12

You have known him only a few months and he's shown he is warped from too much porn. Get rid.

Tinks42 · 27/05/2014 22:28

Same as expat.... dump!

Original poster
WhatcanIdo55 · 27/05/2014 22:30

Thanks for every ones input.

Hes quite a young guy, late 20's. Hes not unhealthy. He has mentioned in the beginning that he will go and get checked by a doctor though.

I asked him tonight if he was planning on seeing a doctor this week and he said no, hes got other things to worry about right now. Then I asked him if its actually just all been down to having to initiate and had he just been too worried about telling me before today and I expressed how I didn't understand how he doesn't run into any problems when hes on his own he just got annoyed at me and told me I shouldn't be bringing this up now, I should know not to as hes got alot on his mind and can we drop it please.

pinkballoon From what hes told me this hasnt happened before like this. He was married for quite a few years and he told me he hadn't had sex in a year before he met me.

OP posts: