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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New man - problems in the bedroom.

75 replies

WhatcanIdo55 · 27/05/2014 17:02

Ive name changed for this but Ive been seeing a man for a few months and theres been a problem with the sex from the start. He seems to have problems getting it up/keeping it up. He blamed it on nerves to begin with but its been too long for that to still be the case. Hes always watched alot of porn and he has been blaming his problem on that but today when I initiated sex he backed off and said he find its only really works if hes the one to initiate. This is quite an issue as I have a much higher sex drive and feel like I have to tone it down a bit. He told me that I really dont have to but that if I do initiate I will have to get used to being told 'another time'.

I dont know if its a combination of things causing the problem or just this 'initiating' thing and hes only just felt comfortable telling me now. I want to be patient and supportive but hes not yet been to the doctors to rule out health problems and all the while I'm getting turned down and left feeling on edge when we start something in case it doesn't work. What exactly can I be doing if anything? Anyone have any experience with this?

OP posts:
passingobserver · 28/05/2014 14:40

"Can you hear the drums Fernando?". The level of evidence is the same.

If you are deriving "self esteem" from sex you have more serious problems that a recalcitrant willy. You probably need to do a lot of work on yourself for your own safety really.

When there is shame involved everyone involved winds up feeling bad that is why shame is a bad thing and to be avoided. Rejoice however, the world is not really filled with bad people but it is filled with people who struggle and need a bit of help from time to time.

And language like "performing poorly" is exactly what I'm talking about. Do you only score on the technical merit of the set routine or do you allow artistic interpretation to occasionally come into it? And exactly what it isn't is a 'performance'. It makes no more sense to judge someone for this than it does to blame them for being constipated or having a cold.

If you want to leave someone for spend too long in the toilet, sniffing all the time or whatever it is, fair enough. Its just there is some serious narrative spinning here going on based on very, very little.

DorothyDolores · 28/05/2014 14:45

I've been here OP, and I ended up marrying him because he wasn't as upfront about it as your partner is. It turns out it was the reason for the end of two long term relationships before me.

You can't compete with porn. I repressed my own sex drive, which is pretty normal, but I was made to believe it was off the scale. Years of rejection can really fuck you up and make it difficult to even demonstrate simple affection in later relationships.

I wish my ex had been so honest in the early stages and I had the foresight to get out. You can't fix him.

Good luck

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 14:49

Again, PO, you are dismissing women's experiences

This thread is about "very, very little" ?

What brought you to Mumsnet, by the way ?

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 14:49

Again, PO, you are dismissing women's experiences

This thread is about "very, very little" ?

What brought you to Mumsnet, by the way ?

livingzuid · 28/05/2014 14:54

Poor performance is exactly what it is when he projects his inadequacies onto her, and has the goddam nerve to blame her for it. Poor everything. Guess what, women have just as much right to use that terminology as men.

And I'm not talking about erectile dysfunction. Loads of people have pointed out that you don't need to be able to get it up to show someone how much you appreciate them in your bed and in your life.

Or she's just supposed to put up with it in case she hurts his feelings? Put up and shut up?

If you are deriving "self esteem" from sex you have more serious problems that a recalcitrant willy. You probably need to do a lot of work on yourself for your own safety really.

Quite frankly, how dare you belittle women who have been made to feel less of a person because they've had to submerge their own sexuality due to their partners lack of ability to engage in the subject. Oh, I forgot, one thing for a man another for a woman. Double standards much? Your post is full of hypocrisy.

Go take your patronising ABBA singing elsewhere.

passingobserver · 28/05/2014 14:55

@AF

Just find evaluating and debating 'excuses' born of shame to be a bit of a waste of time. People who feel shame generally aren't very nice to those around them either. Surely that isn't very controversial. You can either put up with it, walk away or if they are someone you have some investment in or feel well disposed towards, investigate with them whether there is anything to feel shame about.

I'm just saying, break up with him because he isn't nice, break up with him because you want a hard dick, break up with him because you don't like his tie, whatever. Break up with him because a stranger on Mumsnet said he was a porn addict so thats why and it was OK because of that? Thats just lame and isn't good for the person doing it.

hamptoncourt · 28/05/2014 15:03

Why is it lame to break up with someone because they are a porn addict? By the way, it was the OP who said her partner had this problem, AF didn't magic it up out of thin air.

OP you can break up with this man, or not, for any reason you like. You don't have to explain yourself. If you aren't happy in a relationship, you leave it. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone and you do not need permission to leave.

You do not have to accept your partners porn habit. You do not have to pretend to be the "cool girlfriend". You can opt for a relationship where your partner accepts that you have sexual needs that are equal to his own.

expatinscotland · 28/05/2014 15:04

So being a porn-addict isn't enough of an excuse? Guess what, she doesn't NEED one to dump this loser.

KellyHopter · 28/05/2014 15:09

Passinobserver - your contribution could really be summed up thus:

Op, leave, don't leave, who cares really but can everyone else STOP SAYING BAD STUFF ABOUT PORN!?!! JESUS!! Sad

oikopolis · 28/05/2014 15:12

passingobserver Many people on this thread are saying it's not about the ED, it's not about the porn/a porn addiction, it's about his attitude.

You talk about shame, but he's the one who's trying to shame OP for attempting to sort out the problem!

Clearly your buttons have been pressed by this thread, but please don't respond to that by trying to policing the responses of others.

The vast majority of messages that women receive in their lifetimes boil down to this: Put HIM first. Care for HIS feelings. Take responsibility for HIS happiness. You probably don't mean to sound like that, but that is kind of how you sound. OP can go anywhere to find that kind of message.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 15:13

This bloke's "shame" (if he even feels it) is his own problem

It is not for OP, or any woman, to fix by martyring herself to it

And I am not bemoaning the lack of a "hard cock" (as you put it, PO), I am commenting on his lack of respect for her agency

Something you wish to annihilate to pander to his "shame". One wonders why a "passing observer" on a predominently female support site would do that.

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/05/2014 15:19

Of course too much porn can warp a person. My ex would tell you that. He ended up not even bothering with 'regular' porn sites because there was too much 'regular' sex and he needed extreme stimulation to get off by that point. He needed to see women in pain, and then in genuine pain. He couldn't get hard to anything less. Sex with a normal woman was a waste of his time. And he used to be a normal human being with a normal sex drive. He ended up in counselling.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 15:20

Yuk. Glad you are away from that one, Gator

passingobserver · 28/05/2014 15:26

Well perhaps I missed the bit where he was diagnosed by a competent physician with a disorder that isn't in the DSM because it doesn't exist. Its ok "because experience"? Not useful.

I've said all I want to say really. You don't have to put up with anything but when you make someone else's body a matter of shame or you think they believe something about their body to be shaming, you'll find it won't go well - this is a fact of life you can set your watch by. You can try to take shame out of it, you can ditch them or you can stay and suck it up (I would try the first, then the second if I got no joy personally but YMMV).

What I wouldn't do is judge myself against someone else's vascular constriction. Not a very useful yardstick if you'll pardon the pun.

Anyhow, having committed the unpardonable crime of suggesting kindness towards others I'll leave it to those who evidently feel territorial about an internet forum, I have no interest in competing for the crown.

AMumInScotland · 28/05/2014 15:27

PassingObserver - the OP says herself right at the start - "Hes always watched a lot of porn and he has been blaming his problem on that"

If she chooses not to continue with this (really quite new) relationship, that's not because 'a stranger on MN' says that porn is a problem in this relationship. The man himself has said it is a problem for him.

The problem, as most of us are saying repeatedly, is the man's attitude to the difficulty, his expecting the woman to do things his way, or put up with it, and his unwillingness to develop a satisfying physical relationship in ways that don't require a 'hard dick'. If he wanted to make her happy, he could. If he wanted to treat her as important, he could. It doesn't appear that he is prepared to put any effort into that.

bringbacksideburns · 28/05/2014 15:28

The heavy usage of Porn would put me right off tbh

That and trying to control you when you want to initiate something.

You should be having a great time early in your relationship not walking on eggshells and as he is in no hurry to address it it will probably get worse.

I'm sure OP is old enough to make up her own mind passingobserver.

Darkesteyes · 28/05/2014 16:19

A woman having to repress her own sexuality because he makes her feel ashamed of it while he watches porn.....the Madonna/whore complex in action.

YY livingzuid a good little woman isn't supposed to like sex Hmm

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/05/2014 16:20

Yep , the porn would be enough for me as well. God knows what other daft ideas he's got about women.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 16:23

Ask PO. He seems to have a good -range of excuses for-- understanding of this guy's psyche

neiljames77 · 28/05/2014 16:32

passingobserver - I kind of see what you're saying but I think it's his, "I couldn't give a fuck what you want" attitude that the op and others have a problem with. If he's being dismissive, she should just well.................dismiss him.

Dozer · 28/05/2014 18:02

Run for the hills!

Back2Two · 28/05/2014 18:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

passingobserver · 28/05/2014 19:11

I don't think I've said otherwise. But if that isn't what we want to do (and it isn't what OP asked about in the first place), we might want to know (a) why someone is behaving so strangely and won't seek help and (b) what we can actually do about it.

The wider issue here is that ED is a very common problem (despite claims to the contrary) and can have a range of quite serious, common but apparently unexciting to talk about somatic causes. ED is not caused by age, it is caused by conditions associated with age (e.g., diabetes, hypertension, hormonal disorders) which increasingly affect younger people.

So the idea an erection is a judgement on anything or anyone is a bit questionable and should be put away somewhere its not going to harm anyone. And leaping to one of the few suspected causes for which there is there is no reliable evidence is similarly a bit unwise if only because it isn't where our attention should lie. What he blames, especially with a guilty conscience, is not particularly relevant unless he has done his own blood work first.

Now we can choose to believe that people are horrid because they enjoy hurting people or we could experiment with the view that people are typically most horrid when they feel threatened, scared, embarrassed or shamed. This is not an excuse, and people who behave poorly because of any of these reasons should not necessarily be indulged or pitied, in fact a certain proportion of them are rightly locked up every year. But what is described in the actual post are some fairly typical ritual/bargaining type behaviours and being a bit of an ass to others and won't seek help. He is digging in essentially, of course its ridiculous and bizarre sounding and obviously neither acceptable or sustainable so ask yourself why someone would ever try to claim otherwise! It makes no sense, right? What these aren't are the actions of someone who is striding around on top of the world and in moments of repose laughing uproariously and twiddling his cad moustache about getting everything he wants. The only real way out of this, apart from giving up, is to take the shame out of it and try to explain ED is nothing to be ashamed about and for god's sake get yourself checked out and stop being a fool. My friends say you are a "nobber" with a "madonna/whore complex" is not really part of that discussion.

Or you could just give up, you don't have to fix everyone you meet.

Anyhow, I seem to have attracted the ire of the forum queen and we all know this won't end well so I'm off to deregister my account now.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2014 19:20

Bye then Grin

Vijac · 28/05/2014 22:25

IMO this is likely to get worse in a long term relationship. If sex is important to you then it might be best to cut your losses as the sex is likely to dwindle further

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