New man - problems in the bedroom.

[WhatcanIdo55]

Ive name changed for this but Ive been seeing a man for a few months and theres been a problem with the sex from the start. He seems to have problems getting it up/keeping it up. He blamed it on nerves to begin with but its been too long for that to still be the case. Hes always watched alot of porn and he has been blaming his problem on that but today when I initiated sex he backed off and said he find its only really works if hes the one to initiate. This is quite an issue as I have a much higher sex drive and feel like I have to tone it down a bit. He told me that I really dont have to but that if I do initiate I will have to get used to being told 'another time'.

I dont know if its a combination of things causing the problem or just this 'initiating' thing and hes only just felt comfortable telling me now. I want to be patient and supportive but hes not yet been to the doctors to rule out health problems and all the while I'm getting turned down and left feeling on edge when we start something in case it doesn't work. What exactly can I be doing if anything? Anyone have any experience with this?

Porn adversely affects your performance run for the hills life's too short

OK so you have a man in his late 20s who:

1. has ED (for whatever reason) but will not go to the doctor and gets annoyed with you for mentioning it.
2. uses porn, probably to the point that it has created ED issues, since it is very rare for a man of this age to have ED for another reason.
3. doesn't want you to initiate sex.
4. doesn't initiate enough sex enough to satisfy your sex drive.

... and you've been with him not long, and you have no children or joint property or vows or whatever.

Please, just don't bother with him. Really. This is a waste of time. And he sounds like a knobber.

Suspect it has happened before, and he has adopted ways of dealing with questions about it from partners.

He's full of it. Honestly, why waste your time? He's a porn addicted knobber who shouts you down, minimises and gaslights you.

One more text. 'You don't have what I need. This relationship is over. Goodbye.'

The only thing he's got a lot on his mind about is the women at his command who he can access on his computer.

How many more excuses are you going to fall for and for how long? Because I can guarantee that he's going to roll out another hoary old chestnut the next time you approach this subject with him.

After this, I wouldn't be willing for there to be a next time. Really.

If you want a project OP, take up photography. You can't fix this guy. You'll make yourself miserable trying to. What's the point?

This is a sexless relationship waiting to happen.

"there are more important things to worry about" is what I got told in 1998 2002 then 2003

I wasted 2 years on a guy like this. It's not classical ED but a porn related problem. The only way to sort it out is complex and involves no porn/masturbation and extensive psychosexual counselling. They have to be very motivated to sort this out and it doesn't sound like he is.
If you stick with this it will destroy your self confidence slowly but surely

God how boring
I'm sorry but I would have no patience with this shit. Life is too short to have crap sex.

FFS. It should not be such hard work so early on. All this compromising, discussions, etc. this is the fun, honeymoon part.

Couldn't agree more - dump.

If there is even a possibility that porn use is contributing to the problem he is having when it comes to having sex with a real live woman, has it not occurred to him to - doh - stop using porn for a while, fight his way through the urges (like giving up any addiction) and see if that helps?

I suppose it's easier to get snappy with and indirectly blame you....What do you think would happen if you suggested he stop using porn for a trial period of a few months? or can you not be bothered to take on the task of coaxing a stroppy boyfriend to help himself - I suspect I couldn't!

Perhaps if you keep on at him he'll do you a favour and dump you! The one thing I wouldn't do is put up and shut up.

I had this issue with a bloke I had only been seeing a few months. In my case, as PP have said, it turned out to be cocaine use, but the porn use would certainly be enough to affect his performance I should think.

I ended up with dreadful low self esteem due to the constant sexual rejection.

Please don't put yourself through this OP. Plenty of men out there who will be grateful for a shag

Is he able to become hard when he watches porn ?

Eight years of dealing with this before I finally had the sense to get out and divorce.

A man like this will wreck your self esteem, confidence and belief in yourself as a desirable, attractive woman.

I do apologise for being so blunt, but really the guy prefers his right hand and computer screen to enjoying a satisfying sexual relationship with a flesh and blood woman - and is refusing to take any responsibility to change. With an attitude like this towards sex, how on earth will he be in other important parts of the relationship? Do you honestly see a long term future with a man like this?

It also will create problems elsewhere. Because you will get resentful. You will get pissed off. And it will permeate to every part of your relationship.

You cannot be yourself with this man. You cannot fix him. You can't even talk to him about something so fundamental to any normal relationship without him getting aggressive - and passing the blame onto you!

You sound far too nice and, well, normal to waste your energy on someone like this. Find someone who has a healthy approach to sex and life in general rather than settle for second best. Life is too short.

His refusal to speak about it, or to see a GP just speaks volumes. This is something that matters to you, but he refuses to speak about it?

If you want to give him a chance, make an arrangement with him to speak about it, say, in a week's time, when his other worries whatever they may be have subsided. (And let's face it, if those other worries are ongoing, will they ever be resolved to the point that you can discuss this?)

If he still refuses to speak about it under those circumstances, you have your once and for all answer.

"He blamed it on nerves to begin with but its been too long for that to still be the case"
The problem with ED is that once it starts, even if the initial cause has been rectified (such as nerves), the man can then worry about his performance which consequently affects it.

"Hes always watched alot of porn"
Could be an issue.

"he find its only really works if hes the one to initiate"
Possibly because he's the only one to know when he's least likely to fail. If you initiate it he might feel that he suddenly has to perform and that piles on the pressure.

"This is quite an issue as I have a much higher sex drive and feel like I have to tone it down a bit"
I think mismatched sex drives are a separate issue and probably not much you can do about it.

"I want to be patient and supportive but hes not yet been to the doctors to rule out health problems"
You're wasting your time being supportive of a person who doesn't want to even make the first steps at improving the problem. If he gets treatment, and you feel you like him enough to stick around, that's the time to be supportive.

"He has mentioned in the beginning that he will go and get checked by a doctor though"
So why hasn't he?

"I expressed how I didn't understand how he doesn't run into any problems when hes on his own he just got annoyed at me"
It's a very very sensitive subject for a man and unless it's handled very carefully he's bound to get defensive. As he is able to get arect on his own it does suggest a psychological problem rather than physical. Failure to perform matters a whole lot more when with another person than when you're on your own, so that could be why he's fine alone but it all goes to pot when he's with you.

The mismatched sex drives and the not wanting to address the ED are what would drive me away from someone, not the actual ED IYKWIM.

I can't copy and paste on my (ancient) iPad, but absolutely agree with Lividof London's last paragraph.

It's the refusal to do anything about it that's the issue. And it could be that he has to realise that people aren't going to stick around while he has this problem, for him to realise he is going to have to do something about it. So, being "kind and understanding" about it, could well be the thing that stops him going to his GP, and getting things sorted.

Oh OP really, come on! The second time that a man you barely know has told you in no uncertain terms to shut it when you try and raise an issue you have is the time you smile and say, right, that's it, I have no intention of being in a relationship on these terms. Bye.'

In fact, I'd have walked the first time. And that's before you get to the fact that he almost certainly can't perform properly because he's a heavy porn user. Just get rid!!!

And look at the manner he's dealt with this issue.

YOU: I'd like to get this issue sorted, can we talk plase?
HIM: I don't want to talk about it, you're unreasonable, you're in the wrong, why have you brought this up at such a clearly inappropriate time?

If you stick with him, this will be the model for every disagreement you'll ever have. I'd explode with frustration.

Run for the hills!
They are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>

Seriously!? Why bother? He's sounds like a right knob.
Get rid. One text, finish it.
Move on and find someone you are sexually compatible with and someone who won't shout you down if you try to have a discussion.

I totally agree, it's not the ED that's the problem but his attitude towards it and you.

You'll just have to get used to it (not being able to initiate) ??!

Show him the door. Life is way too short.

There is no real evidence porn causes ED any more than there is evidence that listening to Abba seizes up your fanjo. What is out there on the web is unreliable rubbish that used to turn up on religious fundamentalist websites about the perils of masturbation in general (check this for yourself). I would also read with caution anything that talks about porn and (misuses) 'neural plasticity' for that matter, none of it passes scientific muster and I don't care if the person writing has a PhD (...in english literature or whatever usually if you actually check).

The way porn will affect you is the same way masturbating too often or having too much sex affects anyone (and if Abba makes you go at it like a rabbit then I guess 'Dancing Queen' should be rationed a bit). This is however not ED. The reason ED seems like a big issue is now is because divorce is common and easy and older men are now entering new relationships.

I do find a lot of the commentary a bit cruel, especially given women's sexual response is not the most reliable thing on the planet either. Naomi Wolfe has a book on this that might cause a bit of self-reflection on this topic (if you've ever wondered why men are so skilled at getting stubborn cars/media systems to start by twiddling with this and pressing that until something works you've apparently always been heterosexual).

You'll generally find people who are shamed by anything that they can't really control make excuses or come up with 'rules' that don't really work that are over time a bit unconvincing. That is how shame works after all.

If you actually take a step back you should realise that nobody should have to make excuses for or explain sexual dysfunction. If that is how its being framed, disaster is inevitable. Whatever happens making this about excuses and shame is not going to help anyone and I'm amazed at the cruelty behind some of the responses here. If you want to ditch him, fine, but own what you are doing in that case.

Comparing too much porn to too much ABBA? Really?

The issue is one of communication. Or lack of it in his case. Guess what, men performing poorly in bed, and then blaming the woman for it, is going to make the woman feel like shit. And she absolutely does not have to put up with it.

I'm somehow guessing she wasn't standing there ordering him out of the bedroom to go sort out his sexual issues, whilst insulting his penis in the process. She comes across as somewhat more sensitive than that. Being with the type of Man she describes is emotionally exhausting and draining on self esteem to the point there is nothing left.

You seem to have spectacularly missed the point.

If you want to ditch him, fine, but own what you are doing in that case.

Yep, I would ditch him and "own" my decision. If a bloke was sexually dysfunctional, refused to address it and attempted to blame it on me by making me feel bad about my own sexuality, I would certainly "own" that and my self esteem would love me for it.

What is the alternative otherwise ? Put up and shut up ? I don't think so. OP wouldn't have come to a support website and posted about somethig so intimate if she hadn't already tried the softly softly approach and found it got her precisely nowhere. Or do you think, PO, that women complain about poor sex lives far too soon and that they should simply suck it up until they forget what is a normal and healthy sexual relationship ? There are plenty of examples of women who have done that on this website, and it does not end well.