Living with partner who has mental health issues - when do you walk away ?

[tiredofthesameoldshite]

We've been together nearly 19yrs, 2 young dcs. OH is a "good" man, no concerns about him being unfaithful, not a big drinker getting pissed at the weekends with mates, works hard to provide for us (I don't work) is a great Dad. But I just can't handle his moods anymore. He had a pretty traumatic childhood, his mother died when he was very young and his father remarried the original evil stepmother who made his life a living hell.

He's never showed me a great deal of affection though does (very occasionally) tell me he loves me. He is very affectionate with the DCs. He has a sister who he wants nothing to do with despite her trying to have a relationship with him. I think he sees her as a reminder of a time he wants to forget. He's said often that the only people he cares about in the whole world are the DCs and I.

I sometimes wonder if he is bipolar as he can go through episodes of (what appears to be) completely withdrawing from me, where he says very little to me, is very tired and lethargic and will come home from work and go to bed. Then on other occassions he will be happy to the point of I'm thinking someone slipped something in his coffee and he's all super optimistic and telling me not to worry about this, that and the next thing.

When he is going through one of his quiet spells I find it very, very difficult. I get one word answers, he barely makes eye contact with me and there is absolutely no physcial contact. Over the years this has happened a lot though in recent years it had been getting better. After the birth of our DS he began to see a counsellor and was prescribed medication which appeared to help. He was on this for about a year (I think) but then stopped it without telling me. Fatherhood obviously did something for him as I hadn't noticed any change in his mood when he told me that he'd stopped taking it some months previously. I would guess that he can now have one of those spells every 3 months or so. I know everyone has ups and downs, I can be a moody cow sometimes but I'm able to verbalise at least and explain that I'm pissed off and want to be left alone or I'm pissed off because you did X, Y or Z. I never get an explanation from him and I'm left thinking if I've done something wrong, if he's just had a bad day at work or if something bigger is going on. When I try to ask him he blanks me or gets defensive and we end up arguing.

I know he enjoys his own company and encourage him to have some time to himself as his mood improves loads after he's exercised or been busy with another of his hobbies. But I feel he grudges me the same time to myself. I'm at college and have exams in the coming weeks so asked if he would take the DCs on Sunday to give me the day to study. Not even the full day, from about 11am until 4.30pm. He said ok and joked a bit about me not feeling guilty. When I got home he said they'd had a good day but was annoyed when I said I had to go out that evening after dinner (which I fixed) to see a mate about the course. He said that was a bit shit and he thought I'd at least wait until the DCs were in bed. He's left on his own with them one night a week whilst I'm at college, the rest of the time I bath them and put them to bed though he'll be there to do the bedtime story, etc. He's been in a shit mood with me since Sunday night and no matter what I say isn't talking and refusing to admit anything his wrong. Normally he texts during the day to ask how things are but didn't yesterday. He was monosyllabic when he came home and then fell asleep on the couch. I should also point out that he'd played golf after work on the Friday evening, not coming home until 9.30pm and then went hill walking all day on Saturday. I didn't say a word as I didn't mind, expecting to get the same time back myself if I needed/ wanted it.

I'm must so fucking fed up. I know he has issues, more than he's ever told me about but am getting to the stage when I feel like saying I don't fucking care. I'm thinking about my own mental health. I can't be with someone who can shut me out and be so cold. I have no idea what is going on in his head, he may be going through all sorts by himself but if we can't communicate after 19 yrs together the what is the fucking point.

Sorry this has been a mega rant.

Forgot to say that he is back in therapy now for a few months. No longer on any medication though.

Sounds very similar to my situation though I have had enough. For years my dh put his problems down to depression and when I wanted to leave, he promised he would address the depression so we went to the docs together for tablets but they didn't work. The cycle continued.

I'm not in a strong position to be giving advice at the moment, but what worked for me with regards to mental health was this; if you genuinely have a mental health issue which you will address properly, I will support you all the way, we married in sickness and in health. However, if you want to use it as a card to wave to buy you some time, then I'm not allowing it to be used as an excuse, belittles genuine sufferers.

Sorry can't give useful advice but good for you for ranting, better out than in! Would he consider counselling, either together or alone?

I think you have to walk away when a) they are doing nothing to improve their mental health, b) you don't care any more and c) you're worried for your own mental health. There will be people along shortly - and I'm sure you've also met them - who say 'how can you be so heartless?' ... 'how can he help it if he has a MH problem?' And my reply is always that, in the absence of a diagnosis and a treatment plan, he does not have a MH problem. He therefore deserves no more special allowances than any other moody, unpleasant man. A man who is perfectly capable of being affectionate towards children and is stable enough to hold down a job but chooses to allow his partner to feel close to breaking point rather than do anything about it.

Thanks ever. I mentioned couple counselling a few years ago before the DCs and he was dead against it. I think he talks about a lot of stuff that he doesn't want me to hear about . Which is fair enough, I don't need to be the only person that helps him as I'm not as qualified as a psychologist or psychotherapist. He currently sees his therapist about every 3 weeks.

I'm just so, so tired of living like this. We have two beautiful, healthy dcs and it breaks my heart to think of us not being a family but I feel like I'm drowning now. I still love him (I think) as I get upset thinking about him going through any kind of mental torment by himself. But I don't think I take this anymore.

I absolutely get you. My DH is a tormented and troubled soul and I do feel for him. BUT, I cannot let myself and my DC be on the end of it anymore. Drowning, suffocating, I relate to it so much. Do you have an inner voice? I did but ignored it for a very long time. I wish I could offer you more help but all I can say is my elastic has been stretched and it's now snapped and I'm pretty sure I can't go on. Do you feel you have the strength to split, even temporarily to give you both thinking time/space?

Thanks Cogito - on the subject of affection I remember when we were discussing this a while back and he disagreed that he was not at all affectionate. In my mind, he can get cuddly and affectionate in bed as a prelude to, or after sex but that's usually it. He said that I'm no longer affectionate towards him and I have to be honest and say he's right. But that comes from years of feeling as though I was kissing and he was only offering his cheek, if that makes sense.

The cuddles and affection isn't even that big a deal, I'm nearly 40 so not a giggly teenager who needs constant attention and pampering. It's the lack of verbal affection (if there is such a thing). I slept with DS last night as I can't sleep next to him when this is happening. We've not even had an argument for Christ's sake. He's just retreated into his cave....

Verbal affection = kindness. If there's no kindness in a relationship, it's a dead duck

ever - If I had some money of my own then I would probably have gone by now to be honest but we are very strapped for cash at the moment. I was made redundant whilst pregnant with DD and have found it difficult to get anything else..... I know he's worrying about money too although he tells me not to.

Jesus I wish I could get inside his head sometimes. He can be really thoughtful sometimes. I'm studying massage but couldn't find a decent second hand table to practice on and he managed to get one that was being thrown out. Built it all up in our back garden to surprise me. He's also started doing my parent's back garden (we live next door to them) which is an absolute jungle and he threw himself into it with such enthusiasm and energy. Mum was delighted as it would have cost them a fortune to get someone else to do it. I honestly feel his is like a Jekyll and Hyde sometimes.

Sadly 'Jekyll and Hyde' is a very common way to describe someone who is emotionally abusive. They keep you trapped by allowing you to think that the thoughtful version of themselves can be unlocked if only you could find the right form of words, treatment, etc. Never mistake a temporary cessation of hostilities for kindness

God yes to re Jekyll and Hyde bit. No more! I think when kindness can be shown to others but not to you it shows a certain level of control and actually they do know what they're doing. I know he has shown some thoughtfulness towards you but not enough. I got pretty much bugger all on Mother's Day, that one hurt....

You say you think he may be bipolar? What does he think? Does he admit he has a mental health problem?

Look I think you will know whether it's a MH issue rather than re abusive position some posters are already taking. The thing is that behaviours from people suffering from MH problems can feel like abusive behaviours but they aren't.

It doesn't make it easier to live with but it gives an explanation.
The point of no return IMO is when your most basic needs aren't met and you can't cope with it anymore ie it is affecting your own health/MH. I believe these needs are different from one person to the other.
I also believe that people with MH issues have behaviours they can't avoid and they can also act like a twat, making a mixture where it can be hard to separate the MH side to the twat side of things.

When your DH was taking medication, what was it?

Btw the fact he is having counselling again tells me he knows things aren't great atm. But he is clearly willing to do something about it.

Have you tried to explain to him what are your needs when he is 'in a good period' and more able to discuss things.

" willing to do something about it. "

In 19 years he's had one period of therapy which was ineffective and which he quietly abandoned and now, just as the OP is in end of tether territory, he conveniently embarks on another.

The OP said he had counselling before, took some medications which improve things. She didn't notice he had stopped said medication which makes me think the treatment he received DID make a difference.

Also the OP has been living with him for 19 years but is finding it particularly hard NOW.

Unless this is a situation that is repeating itself and she has wanted to leave for the last 18years then something has changed. It might be becoming parents that has put more strain on the relationship. Or something else. It's impossible to say from the OP's posts.

But looking at it only from the angle of the abusive man is doing any good in this case. He might just be someone with serious MH issues that he OP might or might not be able to live with.

When he first went to the docs to discuss his mental health he was given citalopram. After waiting several months he was eventually referred for counselling.

Last year/maybe the year before (it's all a bit of a blur to be honest) he was given Amitriptyline and was on other medication at the time (not sure what) as he suffers from back pain sporadically. He has also been receiving testosterone injections every 3 weeks from the doctor to help combat tiredness/fatigue and also to help with his mood. I think when they tested him a while back his testosterone levels were pretty low. Apart from the injections he's not on any other medication.

I don't think he's being intentionally abusive. But when I look at how he's treated his sister (completely blocked her out of his life) in recent months I know he can be abusive. She can be a bit of a nightmare, there is always some kind of drama going on in her life but she's bascially a good sort with a kind heart. He just thinks she's hard work and not worth the effort.

His father died last year and his reaction was "brilliant, I'll get a week off work". His dad stood by whilst his stepmother knocked the shit out of him many times so they weren't the closest. By his own admission this wasn't a normal reaction though and it's partly what prompted him to seek counselling again. He knows it's not normal to have no feelings whatsoever towards his sister when she hasn't really done anything bad to him. He doesn't even say he's angry with his dad, there seems to be a complete void of any emotion.

When we've spoken in the past (when he's been in a better mood) about his mental health, he described himself as "broken". I'd say that's pretty accurate. It also scares me as it sounds a pretty hopeless place to be. I've said to him that I thought he could be bipolar and he kind of shrugged his shoulders and said "maybe". I don't think the therapist has offered any kind of diagnosis or that she will.

As for finding things particularly difficult now, I think it's because there are so many other stresses in our life at the moment, mainly financial but my Mum is also recovering from breast cancer so it's been a stressful year. And it's at times like this that you want to feel part of a team and have someone with you. I'm 40 this year and assessing my life I suppose, thinking "do I want another 20+ years of this ?"

"It also scares me as it sounds a pretty hopeless place to be"

It also has a 'take it or leave it' quality about it. 'This is as good as I get'. Just because someone freely owns up to being unpleasant, unsupportive, selfish or whatever, it doesn't mean you have to tolerate it.

I know Cogito. I think I'm a bit of a doormat sometimes. I try to be understanding and give him room and time for himself. But my patience has run out now I think. At the time when he said he was "broken" he also asked what I actually expected him to do it about it, or what did I realistically think he could do about it, he was already attending a counsellor. Shifting the onus very squarely onto me.

You see that's a shut-down as far as I'm concerned. A man who takes it for granted that, whatever he does and however unhappy it makes you, you'll still be there tomorrow and the next day. Maybe he can't do anything about his personality or behaviour. You certainly can't. When someone says 'this is who I am and it's not going to change' you've only got two choices. Accept them as they are warts and all, or reject and move on.

I agree with cogito about the fact that nothing, include MH issues, means that you just have to live with it.

I also think that your DH might benefit from being told clearly that what you expect is for him to look after himself and seek appropriate treatment. The problem with 'broken people' or rather people who have been broken by life is that they have very low self esteem or don't really believe things can get better so they don't even try.

Note : this is different from someone who is bipolar though

But as far as living with someone with MH issues the best you can ask is for them to get as well as they can be (eg taking ADs if they help, get counselling etc) knowing that it will NOT solve all the problems and that you will NOT have the so called 'normal' relationship because of their illness (eg if bipolar and on medication, he would probably be fine most of the time but might also get some relapses). It will be different and will probably means you won't get support that you might have expected otherwise.
Whether you are happy with that arrangement is a personal decision. I know I am but I am not you.

Well I tried to speak to him about an hour ago and got nowhere. I asked why he has been off with since Sunday evening and he just kept on denying he was acting strange, all the while being very curt with me, not looking me in the eye and walking away from me. I ended up telling him to go fuck himself and saying that that was his last opportunity to offer an explanation, he was treating me like shit, like he treats his sister and it's not on. He just sat looking at his computer as though I wasn't there.

I really don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm going mad, can't talk to any family members as they mean well but can get over-bearing sometimes. Also I literally do not have a fucking bean to my name.

It sounds like there are things in your relationship that you like but are really tired of having those issues come up again and again. Maybe it's less to do with his mental health issues and more to do with the way you relate to each other. It reads like he is not meeting your emotional needs and not pulling his weight in the house. That could be any other man (forgive me ) whatever his past. I would advise you to imagine life without him and to consider weather you really want that or weather your anger at the status quo is driving you to extremes.... Love in sickness and in health suggests that you should support him in seeking help and building himself up. That's not to day his behaviour is not an irritant but just consider.... I don't know... Establish new rules? Try relate? If you were ready to leave him you would not be posting on here ....

A lot of what you speak of could be due to low levels of testosterone, which has already been an issue, so might be worth talking to doctor again. You might want to leave but sounds like you are financially unable to so perhaps all you can hope for is to find a way through it. It sounds like he is a decent bloke who probably loves you but has some demons that make his life really tough and these are damaging his life and relationships. I often find it easier to talk to my female friends about problems and where I can have a good rant as blokes don't always get where females are coming from emotionally. Do you have some female friends you could offload to as you are not likely to get your emotional needs met by OH. The trouble is, you are now seething, he has retreated and it's reached an unhappy stalemate. The onus is on you to find ways to cope (for your own sanitys sake) until he can or will seek further help or you are in a position to leave. Perhaps look at new strategies to help you get through it all but it ain't gonna be easy.

I am struggling a bit to follow whether you think that your DH is bipolar or not.
What I am sure about is

• if he is bipolar and in a 'low mood' phase, talking to him today was going to be counter-productive. Clearly, whatever has set off the current episode, it hasn't calmed down yet
• if he isn't bipolar but has major issues with relationships and is getting very low, if this is an issue with testosterone or whatever (ie MH issues or plain medical issues), talking with tonight wasn't going to work as he was clearly out of his depth.
• if he is actually neither of all of those, then he is showing you that he can stick with his tactics and that they are working ie making you unsettled.

As much as you want some answers, this was not the right time to get them. Especially if your DH is in one of the first situation (in the 3rd there would no point anyway).
I would leave it for a bit, take no notice of him/his behaviour and wait until he is better. Then have a clear chat with him that you need answers about his behaviour. It can be a medical issue such as bipolar, or the testosterone problem again. Whatever it is, he needs to see his GP and get a proper diagnosis. He also needs to tell you what was the medication he took before and what it was for. It will help you understand the situation or establish he is just a twat.
Make it clear you need to him to take control of your health and how his behaviour makes you feel.

At the moment, it feels like the 'bipolar idea' is you clutching at straws that he is actually a good bloke with MH problems. You need to be sure at the bottom of your heart what is going on here. And for him to get as well as he can.
Then you can decide if it's worth carrying on.