Living with partner who has mental health issues - when do you walk away ?

[tiredofthesameoldshite]

We've been together nearly 19yrs, 2 young dcs. OH is a "good" man, no concerns about him being unfaithful, not a big drinker getting pissed at the weekends with mates, works hard to provide for us (I don't work) is a great Dad. But I just can't handle his moods anymore. He had a pretty traumatic childhood, his mother died when he was very young and his father remarried the original evil stepmother who made his life a living hell.

He's never showed me a great deal of affection though does (very occasionally) tell me he loves me. He is very affectionate with the DCs. He has a sister who he wants nothing to do with despite her trying to have a relationship with him. I think he sees her as a reminder of a time he wants to forget. He's said often that the only people he cares about in the whole world are the DCs and I.

I sometimes wonder if he is bipolar as he can go through episodes of (what appears to be) completely withdrawing from me, where he says very little to me, is very tired and lethargic and will come home from work and go to bed. Then on other occassions he will be happy to the point of I'm thinking someone slipped something in his coffee and he's all super optimistic and telling me not to worry about this, that and the next thing.

When he is going through one of his quiet spells I find it very, very difficult. I get one word answers, he barely makes eye contact with me and there is absolutely no physcial contact. Over the years this has happened a lot though in recent years it had been getting better. After the birth of our DS he began to see a counsellor and was prescribed medication which appeared to help. He was on this for about a year (I think) but then stopped it without telling me. Fatherhood obviously did something for him as I hadn't noticed any change in his mood when he told me that he'd stopped taking it some months previously. I would guess that he can now have one of those spells every 3 months or so. I know everyone has ups and downs, I can be a moody cow sometimes but I'm able to verbalise at least and explain that I'm pissed off and want to be left alone or I'm pissed off because you did X, Y or Z. I never get an explanation from him and I'm left thinking if I've done something wrong, if he's just had a bad day at work or if something bigger is going on. When I try to ask him he blanks me or gets defensive and we end up arguing.

I know he enjoys his own company and encourage him to have some time to himself as his mood improves loads after he's exercised or been busy with another of his hobbies. But I feel he grudges me the same time to myself. I'm at college and have exams in the coming weeks so asked if he would take the DCs on Sunday to give me the day to study. Not even the full day, from about 11am until 4.30pm. He said ok and joked a bit about me not feeling guilty. When I got home he said they'd had a good day but was annoyed when I said I had to go out that evening after dinner (which I fixed) to see a mate about the course. He said that was a bit shit and he thought I'd at least wait until the DCs were in bed. He's left on his own with them one night a week whilst I'm at college, the rest of the time I bath them and put them to bed though he'll be there to do the bedtime story, etc. He's been in a shit mood with me since Sunday night and no matter what I say isn't talking and refusing to admit anything his wrong. Normally he texts during the day to ask how things are but didn't yesterday. He was monosyllabic when he came home and then fell asleep on the couch. I should also point out that he'd played golf after work on the Friday evening, not coming home until 9.30pm and then went hill walking all day on Saturday. I didn't say a word as I didn't mind, expecting to get the same time back myself if I needed/ wanted it.

I'm must so fucking fed up. I know he has issues, more than he's ever told me about but am getting to the stage when I feel like saying I don't fucking care. I'm thinking about my own mental health. I can't be with someone who can shut me out and be so cold. I have no idea what is going on in his head, he may be going through all sorts by himself but if we can't communicate after 19 yrs together the what is the fucking point.

Sorry this has been a mega rant.

And with regards to the testosterone levels, he's still receiving the injections every 3 weeks, has been for nearly a year now so I am assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that they would have been sorted ? He gets blood tests done every so often I'm sure.

A post of mine seems to have disappeared...

I'd said thanks for all the replies, You're probably right about me clutching at straws but his moods and behaviour do seem to swing from happy, almost overly optimisitc and enthusiastic to completely lethargic, uninterested and basically as though he's not interested in anything. The first thing that came to mind was bipolar though I don't pretend to have a great deal of knowledge in this area.

Last year he completely ruined a family day out with his mood. He was horrible to DS and acted like a bloody toddler the whole day. When we had left the house he seemed fine but by the time we arrived at our destination his mood had changed. Still have no idea to this day what was said or happened during that car journey to put him in such a foul mood. Then again he retreated to our bedroom for about 3 days. I said at the time that I wasn't going to push him for an explanation but I was expecting one when he was able to talk about it. I'm still waiting on that one...

So I've tried the softly, softly patient approach. And then tonight I've been more in his face. Neither seem to work.

Tired....I was patient with a similar DH for as long as I was able, but have to say LTB was the best but hardest thing I have ever done, my life is 100% different, and better. I am free to make choices without irrational worry that I would find myself in situations like the ones you describe. But only you will know if and when the time is right for you.

I told a similar dh that it was over. He has really bucked his ideas up since, took him a week to absorb that I meant it and it was going to happen unless he made a serious attempt to deal with his issues.

Hi Tired (God, you must be...),

I think you need to stop trying, you've tried, nothing is working because he doesn't want it to. He's happy with the status quo, even if he doesn't seem happy, he gets to off load how he feels (ignoring, stonewalling, denying - yes this would give him a certain amount of satisfaction and control - at your expense), leaving you bereft and lonely. Have you talked to him seriously about separating? I'd start to put a leaving plan (however small) into place. Get the focus completely back onto you and your kids.

Of course he's acting out his awful childhood. His childhood isn't his fault but it is his responsibility if he wants to break out of the pattern. He needs to wake up. He has a family.

Best of luck, there is hope, lots of it.

xx

I left a similar husband after a similar length of marriage. I wish I'd left sooner. He went on to have a complete mental breakdown sadly and yes I feel very sad that was the case. For me it was about self preservation and also about the Dc. We had all suffered greatly because he refused to get help, refused to accept he had a problem.

He benefitted hugely from being married. No one else did. My life is heaps better. I no longer feel suicidal and despairing.

I constantly ponder how much of the emotionally abusive behaviour was due to MH issues or just personality. It's such a shame that this aspect of his personality overwhelmed our marriage. I loved him and put up with it for such a long time. I know he regrets the divorce bitterly. Too little too late though.

Oh I hate to post from 'the other side' it is a little different for me because Being female I gather if you were to leave then the child care would be covered mostly by yourself,are the dc's at school? By the sound of him he adores the dc's.

I struggle with my mental health a little,I know it ,and I battle with it all the time,my mother is schizophrenic and Was too ill to parent us when my father and her split(30 years ago)it scares me to end up like this,I can manage to teeter on the brink of being ok and then this big black hole can open from nowhere and down I go,it's so frustrating.my mood low manifests itself in anxiety mostly but I know where the need to shut off comes from,this sounds like what your DH is doing.

I must admit if this was my DH behaving like this then yes it would be a no go,your post made me think of how frustrating I must be to live with too with my ups and downs I would hate to think I was making my DH feel as you do.

The problem with 'feeling broken' is that all the talking in the world doesn't take that feeling away ( people. May disagree) it can change the outlook on how to cope or deal with how you feel, maybe his counselling has suggested for him to get some space if he needs to rather than be angry or argue,he may know that he is being irrational but simply can't talk about it,men aren't the worlds best at this ( sorry MN's I a trying not to be too presumptuous ) for me my mental health and memories of old feelings can come from nowhere,I can honestly say my childhood experiences have ruined my outlook on life,I don't need pity but what I am trying to say is that 'we ' can feel as if all is in control and then suddenly that can change,it may not even be understood until you reflect properly,it's quite embarrasing to act irrationally too and is sometimes best forgotten.

to help you with him from a different perspective I think most people would be distraught to feel you were thinking of leaving,tell him or even ask from him to go and give you some space,this would give you both time to mull things over,19 years 2dc's later relationships will change but don't take each other for granted,I say one last ditch attempt but a firm hand.

Sorry you have to feel like this.hope to see you feeling better soon.

sun I completely agree with you and your description of MH.
It is very hard, both for the sufferer and for those who are around.

I really believe that it IS possible to have a nice life with someone with MH problems. But for me it takes two things. One the sufferer needs some level of acknowledgement that things aren't right and the will to be as work as well as possible not cured or completely under the control. And for the partner to accept these phases when the person with MH problems is very down and shut himself down etc.

It is even harder when there is no diagnosis as such. For it to work, you need to know, be completely sure that the issue IS indeed MH issue. If you always have a doubt in whether he is b** or if he is ill, it's not going to work.

You really DO need a talk with your DH. Not one where he is going to explain to you what is going on, he won't be able to (Remember people who are severely depressed but don't know about it?). But one where you explain clearly how you are feeling, what is unacceptable to you and you absolutely need.
From your post, I would say that having some sort if diagnosis is the first step you really need.

Unless there has already been too much problems and you don't have the energy anymore :(

This isn't depression or bipolar, it's just an unfortunate aspect of his personality which has been shaped by his childhood experiences. No drugs are going to help this. Years of psychotherapy might make a difference, but would require strong commitment from him. From what I've heard so far, it doesn't sound like he has enough motivation to make changes, or even the understanding that his behaviour is not acceptable.

I don't think he will ever change, OP.

OP I have bipolar and what you describe does not sound like it. If it was, it should have been picked up by the gp and the counsellor. I am not trying to do a diagnosis online by any means! but bipolar 1 is characterised by manic - and I mean completely inexplicable - highs, and black, black lows to the point of suicude (the latter which is also bipolar 2), punctuated with periods of paranoia and anxiety. There is rapid cycling which is where episodes happen every few months, whilst with the former two you can have years of relative stability followed by months of mania buzzing round like a spinning top, and then crashing into depression and not even being able to speak.

Untreated, it can essentially kill some people and completely ruin lives. Treated, people can live happy, functional and fulfilled lives with these families, hold down jobs etc. If you have the chance, Stephen Fry did a wonderful documentary on bipolar I think back in 2009 that you may find interesting and helpful to watch.

I am sure with your DH it is something more psychological, perhaps punctuated with episodes of depression? It sounds like extreme trauma he suffered as a child - has he perhaps got Borderline Personality Disorder (often shortened to BPD) or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) or something like that instead? I have BPD traits due to sexual abuse as a child and have had to receive extensive psychotherapy to work through a lot of behaviours that were very hurtful to my DH. Disassociation ie disconnecting myself from everything around me and not communicating was one of the main ones. The other was a flight mechanism where I would just walk off and not speak.

Tbh I can understand your Dh's wish to not have anything to do with his family. I didn't speak to my mother for months as I worked through the extent of what happened and her role in my growing up. To this day I don't talk to her much any more. My life is much easier as a result and less stressful. If it is too much of a trigger for your dh it is actually better for him to not have contact until he has worked through it all and made a decision on how he wants to proceed.

I mention PSTD as a friend who went through what your DH did as a child and teen has been recently diagnosed. It's just something else to consider.

My DH got depression last year looking back. He got frustrated with always having to be my rock. Before I got my diagnosis and started treatment I was in a terrible place with bipolar and totally dependent upon him for everything. It was then a further six months or so before I got the psychological treatment and a long difficult time for him. After every session I wouldn't talk for a couple of days. Essentially you are reliving your childhood trauma and it is incredibly difficult. Husbands and wives aren't allowed in sessions - my dh wasn't anyway. Your H may also have been advised to not have other forms of counselling right now.

It is easy for us to forget the poor partner on the receiving end sometimes as we are in our heads going over the scenes of abuse again and again, but not wanting to. It's pretty horrific tbh. And then the brunt of that is taken out on the ones we love the most.

Stress is a massive, negative, contributor to someone with a mental health condition and really shouldn't be underestimated in making a person sicker. Has there been an increase recently?

The above is just me sharing my story to give the perspective from the other side :) All of the above doesn't alter the fact that you are struggling. It is very important that you take time out for yourself, and even access counselling if you need it. DH tends to internalise everything and didn't and I wish he had. When I was/am not being me, he knew though, that I loved him and when I returned in my head I would tell him so. He also read up a lot on bipolar and BPD so he knew what to expect.

It is a definite positive that your DH is open to treatment. But he definitely has a communication problem and should be looking to you for support not cutting you out. Is there a way the two of you could get away for just a night and explore the concerns you have in a non-confrontational, supportive atmosphere? Leave the kids at home and take time for the two of you?

It is entirely possible to have a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone who has a mental health condition, so long as that person is working hard to self manage (getting treatment, taking medication and therapy) and there's compassion and understanding on both sides - and always communicating openly and being upfront, always. If I have done something to upset DH he let's me know. He's not precious around what to say any more. I wonder if you feel you can't say anything for want of making him 'sick' or 'worse' etc whilst because he has something wrong gives him licence to be pretty rude? That's not acceptable.

It's hard work, but then any good relationship is. If you feel you are not getting this, or there is no hope then you need to reevaluate what you want. Only you know where to draw the line in the sand as to what you will put up with. And you know what, if you feel you aren't getting what you need from your marriage you have every right to start afresh. Mental illness is not a free pass to behave like a dick - yes it can cause very strange behaviour but there is nothing stopping him from saying sorry afterwards and making you feel wanted and loved.

The mental health boards on mn are excellent too if you wanted more advice. Sorry for the massive long post but I hope there is something there which might be helpful.

Sorry I X posted. The pain of reliving experiences that you describe you H, and their impact on day to day living as an adult, really can't be underestimated. There are somewhat heartless and uneducated comments on this which shows how poorly mental health is still not understood.

I completely agree that there needs to be a clear diagnosis of what it is before you can proceed. And to get that, he has to talk to you about it.
He isn't working with you to resolve it. I am sorry you are having such a struggle. If you feel the need to leave, then leave. The other thing I wanted to say was don't stay for the dcs. The upheaval is short term and in the long run they will be better off if your H and you are apart and, perhaps, communicating better as a result. Good luck

And terrible English in my last post apologies!

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences..I'm close to tears here.

He does adore the DCs and would not even consider moving out temporarily to give us some space, that much I definitley do know. He's not even willing to leave them for single night (with my parents or an aunt that I'm close to) for us to have a night away together. I've suggested this when we've getting along well, wee romantic night away in a hotel but he says no way.

When he left for work this morning I felt so relieved, like I could breathe. When he comes home at night my heart will literally sink. That sounds bad doesn't it.

I know I need to talk to him, even if he doesn't utter a single word, but it's so fucking frustrating when he turns his back on me or walks away as I'm talking.

And (and I'm prepared to be flamed for this) there is a part of me which thinks I no longer fucking care what he went through or is going through. We (the dcs and I) are in the present, here and now, and he's making me fucking miserable. I think I've been more than patient over the years, I've tried to be supportive but when you don't actually know what issue/illness/behaviour you're supporting that can be difficult. He's actually got better since we had the dcs at talking about stuff that happened but he won't actually talk about how he feels. If he could even just reassure me that it's not me and he's having a bad day/week/month and needs time to be quiet by himself I think I could cope with that. Instead I'm met with a brick fucking wall and have the various scenarios of he's having an affair/he's having trouble at work/he no longer loves me or finds me attractive running through my head.

We're definitely both under a lot of stress at the moment due to finances. I don't see that getting better any time soon.

My last post sounds pretty heartless. I was sexually abused as a child so I do fully appreciate how past experiences shape us and affect our behaviour. I also saw a counsellor for about a year and a half. Whilst I've never been able to talk propery to DH about what happened, I was able to explain if I was feeling down or just needing a cuddle from him.

I don't think you sound heartless at all. When you give and give and get nothing back it's soul destroying, that following someone round trying to have a conversation is a killer and you deserve to be happy too. Don't be too hard on yourself, advice I'm trying to give myself at the moment! If you don't feel it's the end then you need to find a way to talk. As for finances, I never thought we could split because of them, but we made changes and although I never thought I could, have somehow made it happen, money is tight but tax credits and things help. Hope you get it resolved one way or the other, it's not a nice way to live.

tired no flaming from me and I am sure anyone else. You sound like you've reached the end of your tether which is hardly surprising. When someone walks off when you're trying to speak and share how you feel, or just does not respond it's beyond frustrating. My XH was like this. Omg I just want to break stuff just to get a reaction instead of talking to a plank of wood - never did thank goodness, but the thought did cross my mind on more than one occasion. A friend of mine actually reversed into her XP he had her so mad with his lack of communication. Just to say, you are not alone in your frustrations.

I said it before and I'll say it again, and I'll even have it engraved on my tombstone - just because someone has a mental health problem, or also physical health issue for that matter, doesn't give them licence to be a dick. Sure we have bad days, but then you apologise and work at it together. To not give you time and space to explore the impact on you, he's being beyond selfish.

I really feel for you reading your last post. I also get the impression that things seem to revolve around him in terms of your relationship if that makes sense? Why can't the DCs go and stay with grandparents so you two can have a break? He doesn't arbitrarily get to make that decision. Nor does he get to decide what happens to the DCs should you decide to leave. It reads as if this relationship so far has been almost exclusively on his terms.

Is there somewhere you could go with the children just for a break from it all, like parents or a friend if finances don't allow something more? I agree with a pp that you should make a plan to leave.

When I left XH I just told him in three sentences I was off. If someone is not going to communicate with you then I don't see what alternatives are left to you aside from being blunt and direct. Other posters might have a better suggestion though.

I don't think you sound heartless either. It's an exhausting, thankless task being in a one-way relationship. Your past experience of trauma has shaped your personality and behaviour but you appear to have tried to deal with it in a constructive way. Heartbreaking that you can't even tell your own DH when you're feeling down and in need of a cuddle.

I think I said originally that it's over when you no longer care. I think you've reached that point.

And no, not heartless at all!

Oh phew glad the doors have opened on here a bit from both sides,'tired' try a letter or can he take a day off if there dc's are at school,go for lunch,don't talk just eat and be together,if you still look at him afterwards in the same light then maybe a change.

you have both had issues growing up this makes things doubly hard,I am lucky my DH has had a stable upbringing and is stable for me,I told him that your post made me sad,your DH reminded me of myself,I told him that I really hope I didn't make him feel like you feel,he said no but he is sweet like that,give him another 10 years and he may too reach the end if his tether.I am not experienced in what may be available to you for help but are there any charities that may suppor you even for just a chat,firstly as suggested you will need to get a diagnosis,your DH needs to know how serious you are,you are being too soft,we do sometimes need a gentle kid up the bottom,give it a try x

It reads as if this relationship so far has been almost exclusively on his terms.

He would almost certainly argue that this has not been the case. I am far from a martyr but I often feel like your statement pretty much sums up the last 19yrs. I'm, overall, a pretty easy going person and I know I've adapted my behaviour over the years to accomodate his behaviour. Well before the dcs, when it was really bad and he could go the best part of 2 weeks without speaking to me, I'd just sit it out until he came round, we'd make up and move on until the next episode. His moods have improved since we've had the kids but the last few episodes (and this current one) has just reminded me of the "dark old days" and I'm not prepared to go back to that. Something in me has definitely changed since we had the kids too as I'm far more likely to challenge him now rather than float quietly about the house trying to avoid him.

He can't get any time off work. I might suggest going for a drive by ourselves on Sunday, even just for an hour or so. We, never, ever do anything where it's just the two of us. Last time was last summer when we went to the cinema during the day when the dcs were at nursery and then we had to be home for 3pm.

I am so mixed up. I was thinking about him today and it popped into my head that I still really, really fancy him ! Which is probably an odd thing to think in the middle of all this 1

I'm pretty sure that, in a brain scan, the areas responsible for 'libido' and 'rational decision-making' are in completely different and independent locations.... :)

That made me smile Cogito....when we've made up and started talking again it's usually also involved some great sex. Hence the reason I am currently sleeping in the DCs room !

cogito

tired I'm so sorry you had that experience when younger. The difference as cogito says is that you make an effort to deal with it and not have it impact on everyone around you.

Your way of life must be exhausting, permanently on eggshells. It is very good news to hear that you've begun to challenge his behaviour which is really quite awful. It sounds like emotional blackmail in a way. No, he does not have to share what happens in counselling (I don't with DH) but yes, he needs to make you feel loved and that it is nothing to do with you.

I can tell you now that, no matter how much he loves me (and I know he loves me to bits), if I did not make an effort with all my various mental bits and bobs my DH would leave me. I understand why - it is too much for him to cope with.

suntansally is so right when she says we need our partners to give us a real boot and not be soft. We need tough love.

Do you have access to your own counselling? I think it could be really beneficial to you. It's whether you can face the fight of changing the pattern of behaviour you've both got into over the last 19 years - you don't want to upset him, he doesn't want to acknowledge the impact his problems are having on everyone around him. And how do you begin if he will not talk about it? I wondered as well if he is deliberately avoiding having alone time with you to not deal with it - is that a possibility? Surrounding himself with work and DCs makes it all to convenient to not have to spend time with you addressing the problems the relationship has.

Also, as your DC get older it will only get worse. When they are little it is easier but as teens they might get the negative brunt of his actions as well.

And no one would blame you in the slightest if you didn't want to battle any more.

This ^^ No-one would blame you if you didn't want to battle any more

I don't think you sound heartless. I know how hard it is. You're allowed to be happy too.

Counselling helped me leave. I would recommend it 100%