Living with partner who has mental health issues - when do you walk away ?

[tiredofthesameoldshite]

We've been together nearly 19yrs, 2 young dcs. OH is a "good" man, no concerns about him being unfaithful, not a big drinker getting pissed at the weekends with mates, works hard to provide for us (I don't work) is a great Dad. But I just can't handle his moods anymore. He had a pretty traumatic childhood, his mother died when he was very young and his father remarried the original evil stepmother who made his life a living hell.

He's never showed me a great deal of affection though does (very occasionally) tell me he loves me. He is very affectionate with the DCs. He has a sister who he wants nothing to do with despite her trying to have a relationship with him. I think he sees her as a reminder of a time he wants to forget. He's said often that the only people he cares about in the whole world are the DCs and I.

I sometimes wonder if he is bipolar as he can go through episodes of (what appears to be) completely withdrawing from me, where he says very little to me, is very tired and lethargic and will come home from work and go to bed. Then on other occassions he will be happy to the point of I'm thinking someone slipped something in his coffee and he's all super optimistic and telling me not to worry about this, that and the next thing.

When he is going through one of his quiet spells I find it very, very difficult. I get one word answers, he barely makes eye contact with me and there is absolutely no physcial contact. Over the years this has happened a lot though in recent years it had been getting better. After the birth of our DS he began to see a counsellor and was prescribed medication which appeared to help. He was on this for about a year (I think) but then stopped it without telling me. Fatherhood obviously did something for him as I hadn't noticed any change in his mood when he told me that he'd stopped taking it some months previously. I would guess that he can now have one of those spells every 3 months or so. I know everyone has ups and downs, I can be a moody cow sometimes but I'm able to verbalise at least and explain that I'm pissed off and want to be left alone or I'm pissed off because you did X, Y or Z. I never get an explanation from him and I'm left thinking if I've done something wrong, if he's just had a bad day at work or if something bigger is going on. When I try to ask him he blanks me or gets defensive and we end up arguing.

I know he enjoys his own company and encourage him to have some time to himself as his mood improves loads after he's exercised or been busy with another of his hobbies. But I feel he grudges me the same time to myself. I'm at college and have exams in the coming weeks so asked if he would take the DCs on Sunday to give me the day to study. Not even the full day, from about 11am until 4.30pm. He said ok and joked a bit about me not feeling guilty. When I got home he said they'd had a good day but was annoyed when I said I had to go out that evening after dinner (which I fixed) to see a mate about the course. He said that was a bit shit and he thought I'd at least wait until the DCs were in bed. He's left on his own with them one night a week whilst I'm at college, the rest of the time I bath them and put them to bed though he'll be there to do the bedtime story, etc. He's been in a shit mood with me since Sunday night and no matter what I say isn't talking and refusing to admit anything his wrong. Normally he texts during the day to ask how things are but didn't yesterday. He was monosyllabic when he came home and then fell asleep on the couch. I should also point out that he'd played golf after work on the Friday evening, not coming home until 9.30pm and then went hill walking all day on Saturday. I didn't say a word as I didn't mind, expecting to get the same time back myself if I needed/ wanted it.

I'm must so fucking fed up. I know he has issues, more than he's ever told me about but am getting to the stage when I feel like saying I don't fucking care. I'm thinking about my own mental health. I can't be with someone who can shut me out and be so cold. I have no idea what is going on in his head, he may be going through all sorts by himself but if we can't communicate after 19 yrs together the what is the fucking point.

Sorry this has been a mega rant.

Hi hope you are ok tired?strange last post I thought but each to their own!
Is he talking yet?What about a letter to him for him to digest?..I don't mean for him to eat it .......

Reading your posts, I do wonder if he does have issues, or if you think he has them, because he hasn't really talked to you about them.

You are not heartless at all. You have endured 19 years, many of them of being shut out. You have been there for him.
The proof you need is that he isn't there for you. It's all about him. His own time, his moods, his hobbies.
You need him now and he is failing you already. He sounds basically selfish, not necessarily with MH issues.

That you didn't notice he coming off the meds actually suggests to me that they were doing fuck all. That the improvement was because he sensed you were on your last straw.
Ex was on antiDs and I could easily tell when he stopped taking them. It may depend on the drugs, but it looks more that he could control his behaviour.

In any case, and in response to your original question, you leave when it's affecting you and the family more than it is reasonable.

Two things spring to my mind...

One. He shows the DCs affection but not you so he is in control and choosing that behaviour.

Two. I suspect you are investing your energy in trying to find out the what and how and why of it when, in fact, you should just walk away. He know how you feel, he just doesn't seem to care how you are affected by his behaviour.

My DM had severe MH issues but at all times she was aware of how her family suffered as a result (and worried about it). My DH has had similar problems in the past but once made aware of how it was affecting me (I felt like my personality was disintegrating as all I did was try and mend him) and the fear I may leave (I was going to) he got help, stuck with the programme and came out the other side with no relapses despite some pretty major setbacks outside our control.

I suspect in a nutshell you are wondering if he has MH issues to which there is a cure or if he is just a common or garden unpleasant person. In the absence of evidence of the first, you have to suspect the second and start more forcefully telling him what you will and will not tolerate. If you threaten to leave, do it, even if for a while. If he has MH issues he will get help. Life should not be all about him and it is currently by the sound of things. One of you has do make changes and it's not going to be him as it suits him the way it is. Good luck Tired. You problem is a big one and needs a big answer.

I would support the pp who said it didn't sound like bipolar (sorry, on phone- can't look up name), my first reaction was also Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder/ Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar seems to be a " fashionable" diagnosis these days- mood duration is weeks to months, though, not minutes or hours. But remote diagnosis is always difficult.

FYI, I left a partner with severe rapid cycling bipolar, because at some point self preservation kicks in and whether the problem is illness or just abusive behaviour, or a mix of both becomes irrelevant. Particularly with children in the mix.

Rapid cycling bipolar disorder CAN present in mood changes from hour to hour. Just saying. Its inaccurate to say that it only means mood changes in week/month cycles.

No idea if this is relevant to the OP's DP, though. Only a psychiatrist can diagnose.

OP, I would present him with a choice - see a psych, find out if there is an underlying MH problem and address it - and then you can make some informed choices about how you proceed...or do one.

Also - bipolar is no more 'fashionable' a diagnosis than ASD or ADHD are supposedly 'fashionable'. More people are being diagnosed because there is a better awareness of the condition, and many more treatment options available. I do wish people would think these things through before they make such sweeping statements.

It might be worth remembering that having a diagnosis doesn't mean having a cure for the problem though. There is thread atm with someone with exactly that problem.
Lots of issues with her DH who has now being diagnosed. Diagnosis means understanding why he behaves in a certain way but there us no 'cure' as such ie having the diagnosis doesn't equate with medication and symptoms disappearing or suppressed. This is the case with ASD for example.

A diagnosis doesn't mean things will suddenly get better. A diagnosis means a better understanding of the situation and therefore the ability to decide whether it is appropriate to carry on the relationship or not.

suntan - I'm doing ok today thanks for asking. Met a friend for coffee this morning and a chat so feel better I've spoke to someone in real life.

I actually feel a bit guilty for talking about him on here now, he's came out home and is out the back planning what to do to my parent's garden to tidy it up. Meanwhile I'm in here plotting to leave him/throw him out.

We're still barely talking. He's talked slightly more today and after we dropped the kids off at nursery and school I think he was just expecting me to go home with him (he starts work late on a Thu) instead I just left him at home and met my friend. I couldn't face sitting in the house with him in one room and me in the other. Or maybe he wanted to talk to me but I doubt it. In the 19 yrs we've been together I can only think of 2 or 3 times when he's came to me to talk if we've had an argument or something has been wrong. I always need to be the "bigger person" and try and wrench a response out of him. Christ, maybe I'm just as bad as him now.

tired I would reply properly but am in mid-labour, waiting to be dilated enough for induction tonight! Sorry for the shortness of the message.

Don't feel guilty or bad. You aren't plotting anything. You are trying to establish the best life you can give you and your dcs. Whether he's going on about a token gesture to fix the garden doesn't really come into it. The bottom line still seems to be that he is not communicating with you. You're supposed to be a team, regardless of health issues. You're not supposed to be the one to always coax him into a good humour. That's what you do with toddlers, not grown men.

It is possible for someone to just give up. Why should you continue to be the bigger person? Particularly when it is never reciprocated?

Not read whole thread but marking place as wondering the same thing myself

Just keep us posted, living, will you?

Christ, maybe I'm just as bad as him now.

No, it's called detachment and it's the first step towards moving on.

Hi just to add my experience:
I left my partner 1 year ago after 13yrs. He had a bad childhood and I spent our relationship trying to rescue/ fix him. I supported him through several years of unemployment, paid the bills to get him back to college. He isolated himself in the house, was monosyllabic and moody. I grew to resent him but never though I'd leave him.
Then I become pg and had my ds, both of these things became a focus for his 'my life's so shit' approach to the world. I snapped one day when I caught him looking at ds with cold resentment. I thought I just don't want you in my life anymore.
A year down the line it's still hard, I have received 10 texts today telling me how vile I am, personal comments about my close family how he feels that he would be better off dead.
Every message I receive I think thank fuck he's gone! I feel so much lighter and my mental health has improved. As others have said an illness that a person engages with and makes effort to fix is very different to a convenient hook to hang all shitty behaviour on xxx

I am thinking of it from the children's point of view. It is very upsetting to be a child surrounded by an unpredictable person whose moods swing like this- and as they get older, they will see him avoiding you, not speaking, not making eye contact. It can end up with the whole family trying not to mention this elephant in the room. You all just end up paying the price for his illness and I'm not sure that's healthy (if he was happy/had good periods/was very engaged with making sure you all knew it wasn't your fault/managing his problems it might be different).

livingzuid Hope you're ok ! That's dedication posting in the middle of labour !

Things were much the same last night and today, he left for work without saying much and didn't call or text. When I came home with the kids he was in and came over to me and asked if I could give him a cuddle. Then he said he'd talk to me tonight. I've just noticed that he's barely ate anything all week.

Not sure how I feel just now. I can't be 100% honest and say that I've been thinking about leaving him for most of the week !(want to keep my cards close to my chest as we never know what's round the corner). I'm worried about him and feel for him as I would do with anyone who seems to be as troubled as he is but I don't know if I care beyond that. I feel likes he's eventually wore me down to this.

Apart from the incident I mentioned earlier in the thread when he ruined our family day out I can't think of another time when the kids have been directly on the receiving end of one of his moods. He's almost always good with them, often more patient than I am! Although I appreciate that they will be indirectly affected especially if they hear or see us acting like this to one another.

OP, my DH is bipolar, although engaging with his CMHT and taking his medication. It is exhausting at times, frustrating at times, depressing at times.

He is a good man. He is affectionate, romantic and thoughtful. No matter how much he hates himself (and he does) he never fails to put me first. If he is out of bed and able to function - by no means a given - he has my back, as much as he is able. No matter how hard it gets, I can't imagine leaving him as he brings more into my life than he takes from it.

What I'm trying to say is, MH issues are not a free pass to be emotionally withdrawn, dismissive, selfish, uncommunicative and uncaring 100% of the time. There may be occasional spells when he is like that, but you should be able to distinguish the illness talking from the man talking, IYSWIM. My DH apologises for having a bad spell because he doesn't enjoy the effect it can have on me.

Your DP does not sound as though he puts you or your DCs first at any point. You can be in a relationship with a person in ill health without it being an unhealthy relationship. Your relationship does not sound healthy.

Walk away, my love. Don't sacrifice any more of your own and your DCs' happiness on the altar of this selfish, difficult man.

Thank you tired, Daisy joined us at 7.30am today :) bit scary as there was meconium in the waters and they had to do a suction cup delivery but on the plus side, she is well and beautiful and I had the best epidural experience ever

Your story really resonates with me as my xh was so similar. You spend years thinking 'it's me, I can fix this, maybe he's depressed etc' and you reach a breaking point. Everyone does. It doesn't make you a bad person for wanting to leave. You can't carry someone like your H forever. His behaviour sounds really quite childish and there is no reason for you to stay if you feel you need to leave. Honestly. It's up to him to sort out his health issues. I am very hard sometimes to live with but I am as self aware as I can be on the impact of those around me. As select says, you can get affection and love and support from a partner affected by a mental health condition. It's no excuse.

I'm rambling a bit as the drugs are kicking in, but think about what is best for you and your dcs. Do you want them growing up thinking that's normal behaviour between partners?.

And thank you for asking as well leweji :) mn was a life saver yesterday whilst waiting to deliver!

living - happy to here you and Daisy are well. What a cute name too.

Sorry for not updating if anyone was wondering how I was, we had a long chat on Friday night and I've just been trying to relax and take time to think things over this weekend.

On Friday night he spoke about some things that have came up with his counsellor, feelings of rejection, & being abandoned from when he was a kid and also the need to feel in control.

After his Mum died when he was 6, he was shifted from pillar to post and stayed with numerous aunts, uncles and family friends. He eventually went back to stay with his Dad and he remarried which is when his stepmother started to physically and mentally abuse him. She was very, very controlling, allowed him no privacy and was very unpredictable. She once beat the shit out of him because he forgot to record Coronation Street for her.

I knew most of this already. He said that when I "told" him I was going out on Sunday night to practice for my massage course with my mate he felt that I didn't want to spend time with him and the DCs and felt rejected. He admitted that this was irrational and made no sense. The more he thought about it, the more angry he became until he was basically raging and couldn't even put into words how he was feeling. Then as the week went on he began to feel embarassed for acting like this and so it became more difficult to admit being such a dick in the first place. He said he still has a problem accepting the idea of being loved (by me, not by the DCs).

I said that his description previously of himself being "broken" left me with a pretty bleak and hopeless outlook for things to come. When he stonewalls me I'm left with no option but to really start looking out for myself and the kids as, emotionally, he's not there for me. He's made me feel lonely and unsupported. I was not willing to sit and take this behaviour anymore as much as for the DCs' welfare as my own, I'm not the same person that I was a year ago nevermind 19yrs ago when we first met. He seemed genuinely shocked when I said that and said "you mean you would leave me ?" And I said yes, it basically came down to self-preservation and I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself or the kids for him. As for not feeling loved or having a problem accepting affection, after 19 yrs together (nearly half his lifetime) I'd have thought he would have realised that I kind of like him.

We've talked on and off over the weekend. Nothing has actually been resolved but at least we're talking and there's no atmosphere. More importanly I feel 100% in control of the situation and I know that the ball is very much in my court. He has another session with his counsellor on Tuesday so we'll see how he gets on with that. I'm not afraid of being on my own though if it comes to that though it's not necessarily what I want.

Hi think it's great you finally managed to have a constructive conversation with him.

Judging by your last sentence it seems you would rather try and work it out? If he is going to address all the various issues? Did he acknowledge at least he needs to massively improve the communication? And get a clear diagnosis for what he has so it can be treated effectively? It all sounds very psychological based and can be done but he has to put the work in.

How are things now?

Hi Living, hope things are well with you and Daisy

If there is any possibility of working it out then I would prefer that. But I am trying to be realistic and look out for myself and the DCs too. He acknowledged that his behaviour was out of order and that communication (from his side) is a massive problem for us. I still think he underestimated the full impact of it on me though. He suggested that I basically just leave him to "come out of it the way he went into it" but I pointed out that's what we do with our 6 and 4yr old and not how I should be treating their 44yr old father. That was 5 days of my life living with a shite atmosphere in my home that I won't get back. Why should I just put up with it ? I also asked how I was supposed to tell the difference between one of these episodes when he's feeling depressed/angry and another situation when he is genuinely upset or worried about something and finding it difficult to talk. If he won't talk I'm left out in the dark in both cases and it's still unfair for me.

We've been talking this week. I will continue to challenge anything he says or does which I think is out of order so there will no doubt be some ups and downs ahead. It's how he reacts to this that will determine whether I stay or not. I feel a bit like Pandora's box now, I can't go back to being quiet and saying nothing to maintain the status quo.

Also, with regards to getting a diagnosis, he is 100% convinced that he is not suffering from a recognised condition such as bipolar (and I believe his counsellor has said as much). His problems are communicating his emotions and dealing with feelings of anger in an appropriate way. I'd stress here that I have never felt physically threatened by him and have never seen him been violent or physically aggressive with another person in all our 19 yrs together.

Does he have many friends?

Bragmatic - not really. He has a lot of acquaintances through work and his various hobbies and I can tell from the way these people talk to/about him that he's a popular guy. But he very rarely lets his guard down with anyone. One of his oldest "friends" is getting married in a few weeks time, OH doesn't approve of his fiancee or the relationship for a load of reasons that I won't go in to on here, but he feels like he's known this guy a lifetime but doesn't really know him at all iyswim. With OH you only see what he lets you see.