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Original poster

How do you know if a man isn't just after one thing?

54 replies

Way2serious · 26/05/2014 14:23

Just that really. How do I know if he wants a relationship rather than just sex? He is gorgeous btw!

OP posts:
akaWisey · 26/05/2014 14:25

How long have you been seeing him and have you slept with him already?

akaWisey · 26/05/2014 14:33

Generally speaking I'd say if a man is happy to spend time with you doing a variety of things over time and he doesn't keep alluding to sex or putting pressure on you to go back to yours/his very quickly after you've met - he's probably not just looking for sex (although, chances are he's thinking about it).

The thing is no matter what he's looking for he'll be looking to see how you respond to any overtures he makes. If he knows you put a high value on yourself he's more likely to want to get to know you and make an emotional connection with you as well as a sexual one (that's my opinion though).

Original poster
Way2serious · 26/05/2014 14:35

5 weeks and no we haven't slept together. We see each other most days and we text constantly, which he always initiates.

OP posts:
holdyourown · 26/05/2014 14:44

is there anything to make you think he would be just after one thing? All sounds pretty normal, in fact you're seeing him a lot. Men want to have relationships too, perhaps he just likes you? Confused

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/05/2014 14:49

So what has set your instincts a-jangling? Is there an indefinable air of dodginess about him?

Doinmummy · 26/05/2014 14:54

If he treats you well , you do a range of activities together and you talk about normal things then I'd say he likes you.

If he keeps saying things like 'Phwoar- I like your bum/boobs etc' keeps talking about getting you into bed and gropes you, then I'd say he's just after sex Grin

What makes you wonder Op?

Original poster
Way2serious · 26/05/2014 15:17

Lots of sexual innuendos in his texts as well as every day stuff. I just don't know what he wants out of this. I was trying to look for some clues but think it would probably just be better to have a conversation about it. If it's just a physical thing that's fine but it's better that we are both clear what it's all about.

OP posts:
holdyourown · 26/05/2014 15:22

Often things just evolve and no-one can say at an early stage what they want. Do you have a clear idea of what you want from this OP, as I'd say look at it that way round rather than what he wants.
But generally people have to explore things see if he's good in bed
If his innuendos are too sleazy and frequent then yes he may be more just after sex I suppose depending on his circumstances, eg relationship history and so on - do you know his postion?

Maisie0 · 26/05/2014 15:30

All guys are after this one thing. All women are after love and security. But how you go about it is important isn't it ?

Based on what you say here, I have an inkling of a feeling that you may be more infatuated on the looks than on the personality right now.

Ask yourself these kind of questions, what do you know about him, and how did it make you feel when you learnt something new about this person. Trust your instinct on that as well. Not to listen to the head, but learn to listen to the heart. (Oh, that also does not mean guilt-tripping or being sympathetic to someone. It should be like a giddy feeling. A joyful feeling, that kind of thing.)

I used to find this really hard but I am getting better and learning to listen to how I feel and respond to a guy.

Original poster
Way2serious · 26/05/2014 15:37

That's really interesting maisie. I certainly have a very giddy feeling when I think about him. It's more about my trust and wariness issues than anything he has done or said. Also I can't quite believe that he is interested.

OP posts:
WildBill · 26/05/2014 15:41

Ease off on the texting and up the number of phone conversations.

DownstairsMixUp · 26/05/2014 15:43

It sounds as if he is interested? One of my best friends is male and I can always TELL when he genuinely likes someone from his actions (he is married now) in the days when he was single there was the women who would text him and if he didn't like them in THAT way, he might reply late at night, bored, after a few drinks, and let them come over, he'd never let them stay and that would be that so I guess that spells out he wasn't interested. With girls he DID like, he'd make an effort to contact during the day (not just after a few beers) he'd talk about them to me a lot, take an interest in what they had to say etc. I think it sounds liek this guy likes you tbh!

Original poster
Way2serious · 26/05/2014 15:50

Thanks downstairs. I really like him so I hope he does.

OP posts:
akaWisey · 26/05/2014 15:52

Well, if you have a giddy feeling AND you can't quite believe he's interested in you that's a bit of a concern. People, not just men, like meeting and spending time with those who are secure and confident in themselves.

I'd do what WildBill suggests. Texting is a free, and often lazy way of communicating and it's a way of avoiding proper conversation. So up the phone calls and reduce the texts and then you might see if he's genuinely interested in getting to know you.

threedeer · 26/05/2014 15:56

Do you see him most days through work or because you're dating? After 5 weeks, I'd expect him to ask you out if he's interested in a relationship. Not just flirty texting.

I knew DH was serious when I felt rubbish with a bad cold one day soon after we'd met. I tried to cry off our date but he insisted I turn up at his. When I got there he'd run me a hot bath, made home made soup and tucked me up in bed for a sleep. How people react when you're not at your best is a pretty good sign of whether they care or not.

Maisie0 · 26/05/2014 15:57

Just take it slowly as well. When I was not seeing the obvious, I was too rushed, and too unfocused to truly let myself absorb the situation. There had been a lot of nice guys that I met as well, but I also always used to put such pressure on myself to expect too much. I have met guys who used to hint at me and say things like "isn't chatting like this nice" ? Lol...
Bottomline is, heart and head must sync for it to work truly. Don't just go for looks, or that they wear nice clothes, but go for the whole package, and let it sink in.

I agree with the meeting up thing as well. See each other physically more than just chat. Cos chatting can be just boring, or it can make our head spin, and our heart spin as well, but when the person sees you in real life, some people fail at the physical connection somehow. I have had this before, and I felt so disappointed.

Oh, and I guess, I also did not realised this before too. I used to meet people at my hobbies, but when I see them in a different context they feel like very different people. Erm, sometimes an environment does put people out too. Something to be aware of. Just go and do things which makes you feel good, and see each other in that context?

JaceyBee · 26/05/2014 16:07

ALL men and are after sex and ALL women are after love and security?

Absolute rubbish sorry!

Original poster
Way2serious · 26/05/2014 16:13

Yes it's at work we see each other every day. We do lots of chatting there. There is obviously a physical attraction but we also find each other intellectually stimulating as well.

OP posts:
sincitylover · 26/05/2014 16:53

agreed jaceybee

IWillIfHeWill · 26/05/2014 16:56

Referring to the thread title only...
If he asks about your financial situation and promotion prospects, he wants your money as well as a shag.

cantbelievethisishppening · 26/05/2014 17:34

Lots of sexual innuendo in texts within five weeks of seeing someone would indicate to me that he is not that serious although am sure there are exceptions as in all dating related dynamics. I also can't see the point of having a conversation with him about it either. Time will tell. You won't truly know until you have DTD and if he drops off the face of the earth you have your answer I guess.

cantbelievethisishppening · 26/05/2014 17:37

Maisie All men are after one thing and all women are after love and security. Absolute bullshit.

Maisie0 · 26/05/2014 17:38

Jaceybee Intrinsically, yes. Intimacies. To me, sex can be a form of physical intimacy. Emotional validation can also be a form of security forming. The question is how much, how soon, and whether the right amount if offered and needed most of the time. I do not know how other ladies see it, but I used to judge too quickly. The way he dresses = he must be a player, ditch. He cannot express himself emotionally = player ditch. But to be honest, how much do we know a person truly and did they open their heart to you to let you understand who they are as a person. I think if you can see the good and the bad side of a person, and still like them for their good side, then this is almost a good foundation I think.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/05/2014 19:25

Never mind what he wants, what do you want OP? Hmm If you're genuinely worried just five weeks in that, once you have shagged him, he'll show a clean pair of heels are you really robust enough for dating?

JaceyBee · 26/05/2014 19:36

Well I'm a woman and I am certainly not looking for love and security from the many guys I date! I get that from other sources. From a man I want interesting company, good laughs and great sex, and that's it! And I don't think I'm alone in that.

And there are plenty of guys out there who are not looking for hook ups and want something more committed.

It was just an incredibly reductive generalisation that's all.