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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you know if a man isn't just after one thing?

54 replies

Way2serious · 26/05/2014 14:23

Just that really. How do I know if he wants a relationship rather than just sex? He is gorgeous btw!

OP posts:

DownstairsMixUp · 26/05/2014 19:58

I agree with cantbelieve to sorry maisie. I met my DP and he was clearly into me hugely, did all the chasing, wanted me to be his girlfriend really quickly but we still had huge sexual chemistry. I think it's a good sign tbh that he is acting the way he is. Also agree with cog that OP needs to work out if she does shag him and there's a chance he DOES fuck off once he got what he wanted then what would you do? it is about you op at the end of the day. I don't see why he would chase ONE woman for sex though, not like it's not hard to get nowadays with all these websites about like POF and casual sex websites.

JaneParker · 26/05/2014 20:00

5 weeks seeing each other every day - so that's about 35 dates! I would imagine most people would be expecting sex well before the 35th date.

Maisie0 · 26/05/2014 20:26

Lol... I don't know. Sometimes when I read comments on here, I just think to myself, "maybe in your shoes". To me, I think a person can sleep with someone IF they are ready and WHEN they are ready, and not before or after. Downstairsmixup and Jayceebe, so from what you guys are saying in relation to the OP's situation, do you also think that this guy is after a casual sexual fling then ??

If I am holding back, obviously there is something there that I need to check out first. To me, I too would not feel comfortable or "secure" (in my terms), if the guy used sexual innuendos on me too. Cos that does nothing for me to be honest. I actually hate it. I can psycho-analyse the guy and think maybe he is doing this as a "test the water" thing, and before then he would just be nice and kind and wait etc. But then I am thinking too much and losing my own feelings for him naturally. For me, I am beyond that now, because I rather that we connect emotionally so much more, and that the guy is just body confident, and that is it.

I think finding the person that want things in a similar level is important, that is all.

I agree with the comment before, what does the OP think ? If she asked this question, then there must have been something which she is worried or concerned about. Now I get why as she mentioned the sexual innuendo thing, but what does she want out of the situation ? Does she want a relationship or if this is just a fling ? It is good to set the tone.

(Btw, I am also a slow coach too, I like to fall slowly with someone. I am not prompt, but I like to see my feelings develop slowly. I guess I am after a LTR and not a FWB or a Fling or a short-term affair.)

If you cannot trust the other person, then always best to be honest, and asks. If they cannot be upfront or honest, then walk away.

blueshoes · 26/05/2014 21:06

OP, is he your colleague?

threedeer · 26/05/2014 21:14

JaneParker they haven't had a single date yet. I'm old fashioned. I'd expect an offer of a date after 5 weeks of flirting, or I'd assume he wasn't seriously keen.

pauline6703 · 26/05/2014 21:16

Do you want him? If you want him in bed then go for it and see where it leads. We have urges too, it is not just men who fancy a shag.

PasswordProtected · 26/05/2014 21:31

You meet online in 2006 on a very dodgy website. You don't actually get physical until 2009.
You like one another as people.

Original poster

Way2serious · 26/05/2014 21:43

We met at work five weeks ago - two companies working on a joint project for a few months. I managing the bit for my company and he is doing the same for his. We were attracted to each other but have kept it strictly professional until the end of last week when through our texts it came out that we both fancied the pants off each other. Since then we have been texting lots and will be seeing each other at work again tomorrow. His texts have been very complimentary with lots of compliments as well as flirtatious and some sexual innuendo - nothing too explicit or graphic. I am not a ONS type of person which is why I asked the original question. I like him and guess that he's the one I need to ask to find out his perspective. Hope that explains it a bit better.

OP posts:

StandsOnGoldenSands · 26/05/2014 21:46

So you're not actually dating yet then ?

Tbh in your circumstances I would hold off until well after your work relationship is over.

Maisie0 · 26/05/2014 22:03

Yep. I would definitely hold off flirting, and just be friendly til everything is over in the work aspect. Cos if anything, and you found out that he "used you" emotionally, then indeed things will and shall go pete tong for you and you will be left with the emotional scar, and he would have delivered a perfect piece of work for his company. Believe me, I have been there done that, and cried my guts out...

It feels sh!t to be used for work. Draw a little boundary here first. EVEN if you like and fancy one another, do use some will power here to suppress things. If you want to make this easier for yourself, bat down his sexual innuendo a bit, and if he does like you, then he would comply... But keep each other motivated still and be kind. Just do not let him go over that line. I can now understand why he uses sexual innuendos. Now I get it. I am sure he knows that the working relationship is a factor etc.

If he likes you an awful lot, he would quit his job for you, and not make things difficult. But not many guys can do that, or unless an opportunity also comes up for them to do so too. Just be sure not to go there. Or try at least.

beaglesaresweet · 26/05/2014 23:33

maisie, it's temporary! OP said that their companies are doing a three-month project, so he does need to QUIT. I do find your posts sometimes are in the world of their own, sorry.

Maisie0 · 26/05/2014 23:49

Hey hey, don't get personal please.

I know a friend's ex who actually changed companies for her. When she actually was flirting too much with him and their relationship issues actually affected the level of work and commitment. In actual fact, it was like nursery in their office cos they are all around the age of 20s-30s. In the end, the senior person had to clamp down on this and said something. The guy chose to leave the company. Then the girl also left shortly after too.

I was trying to give her some perspective.
Oh, I have also seen some women flirt with married managers, just to make them giggle sometimes and they get bumped up the ladder... I would say stay professional if anything. If she could.

Even though this is MN and we need to be supportive, doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to support the right thing too ?

beaglesaresweet · 27/05/2014 00:51

I agree that it happens sometimes that people quit or transfer clients to someone else (e.g. doctors) when they know that they are interested in a serious relationship. Would be amazed if anyone did it for a fling (I mean just because they fancy someone , not even dated yet) - so what I mean is, this doesn't apply to OP. But inother situations, it's the right thing to do, as you say. Maisie. Sorry, I'm glad you are not offended - I was just feeling a bit impatient, ha.

Maisie0 · 27/05/2014 01:34

I was hoping to draw or outline a boundary for the OP to be in so that she can indeed continue her work without that much influence from him mentally and mess with her mind, and at the same time protect his and her personal interest, if both parties definitely and sincerely want something out this. I would take back my comment about asking him directly, considering that they are in work mode right now.

It is tough actually, cos I have found myself in those kind of situation before, and if the guy is too immature not to see the obvious, then I actually have to suppress my emotions so much that I have to let him go. Even if I like him a lot.

You have to remember that, this is a work and a personal situation. Not everyone can survive a personal and a professional head in such a close-knit situation. I know myself and my tolerance level, as I used to work in family businesses, and this messed with my head too. You just cannot see the person for their true self sometimes away from a business context. I'd advice the OP to be a bit careful I guess, and mindful too.

WildBill · 27/05/2014 07:17

I'm confused - so OP hasn't even been on a date with this bloke in 5 weeks? That says it all. If he hasn't actually asked you to go for a drink or suchlike then there's nothing happening.
I do wish people would stop going on about texting or at lest understand the reasons people text repeatedly. People do it because they get free texts with their phone deals, they text because they are bored so get their phone out and scan their address book for people who they can send a message to. They text because it's easy, it takes no effort and it's only a few words so no big deal.
If someone is really interested in you they ask you out, they talk to you on the phone because they want to hear your voice. Texts carry no weight. Actions speak louder than texts.
p.s I hate texts.

JaneParker · 27/05/2014 07:41

Ah just flirting. I see. In that case they need to go on a few dates first and see how that goes. I don't think anything counts or is real until you start that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 07:55

This is a 'grow up' situation then. The sexy texting means he's after sex and, by joining in, so are you. If you want something more deep and meaningful you either halt the sexy texting with a 'what kind of girl do you think I am?' type put down or you go on a date, shag him & take a gamble that you still find each other interesting enough to stick around with afterwards. Isn't that the normal way things go?

blueshoes · 27/05/2014 11:19

Agree with cognito.

Going from work mode to gushing compliments and sexual innuendo seems to suggest this man is more interested in sex than a relationship. People who are serious would tend to take it slower and not want the other to get the wrong impression. Not saying this cannot develop into a serious relationship but the outcome is not particularly promising if you cannot roll with the punches.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 12:57

Actually, I don't think this bloke is even interested in RL sex with the OP

I think he is getting a cheap thrill out of smutty texting and if he hasn't asked you out on a date yet, it ain't going to happen

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 13:15

Oh no AF!!! You mean.... he's USING her as a cheap sex chat line!!!??? The beast!

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 13:21

They could be using each other as a cheap sex chat line < passes smelling salts >

It's not going anywhere though, is it ? Is this what relationships have come to ? Straight into the "I love your throbbing member" schtick, totally bypassing the "see if you like him as a person" bit ?

Maisie0 · 27/05/2014 13:30

Gosh, aren't you ladies overdramaztising here ??? I think it is lovely to feel something for somebody, but yes, maybe not all circumstances are good and great, and if you do like someone, then you can make the effort, and this is definitely one of those kind of challenges in life. Go for the challenge OP. Turn it around ! ;) Don't bait, but motivate and wait til project is over.

longtallsally2 · 27/05/2014 13:30

Hmm - if there's been lots of texting and no meeting up outside work in 5 weeks, I would be carefully checking out whether he is single OP. It may be that he doesn't want a relationship for other reasons - maybe not wanting to mix work and pleasure, but if he has been attracted to you for 5 weeks, why no date?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/05/2014 13:33

I'll have you know that's my standard, never-fail chat-up line!!.... :) In fact, at my grand old age, I've finally worked out that 'liking me as a person' is no guarantee of a relationship going the distance, but as long as I keep the member throbbing I can't get rid of the buggers.

Tip for you there girls...

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 13:37

I got the impression OP was hoping for something more than keeping the old member throbbing. Reading between the lines of smut however, I would say it wasn't there.

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