Is he not that into me? Or am I paranoid?

[MelissaMorning]

My new man has me feeling like a schoolgirl and I wanted some advice on how to play this. I don't want to mess this up and I am not very practised at dating having been in LTRs for my entire life really apart from the past year.

I'm 34, he's 38. We "met" online dating about a month ago. He lives two hours from me but I loved his profile so sent him a message anyway.

He was keen from the outset, he says from the first time we talked he cancelled his other dates and stopped chatting to other girls. After messaging for 24 hours we swapped numbers and started to phone / text and video chat. Usually for hours every day. Just easy chemistry and found each other very attractive.

Then Wednesday he decided to come up to visit for a few days, which was quite a feat for him because he had an arm in plaster and couldn't drive so it was a fair schlep for him and a four hour trip as I live quite rurally and nowhere near a direct public transport route.

He came anyway, and got a hotel nearby but never ended up staying there. It was just instant chemistry when we met. The first kiss was one of those kisses that makes you completely dizzy. He took me to lunches, dinners, romantic walks. We watched videos and he held my hand. The perfect three days!

He also came to a work even with me on Saturday morning instead of leaving and met a couple of my friends which I thought was very sweet. When he came he'd got me a silly, sentimental but really thoughtful gift too. The sex was great, the chatting was easy and we were laughing the whole time.

However, he left yesterday morning and I have hardly heard from him since and I felt a bit rejected. I did get a text on the train down to say he was a bit sad to have to leave and he needed to get his arm better so he could drive, then after that nothing.

I know he was out Saturday night with friends he had not seen in a while, and he did post to my FB page (liked all my photos, made comments etc.) and then sent a drunk message late at night saying he was sorry but he was drunk with lots of kisses.

I am not sure if I am being completely paranoid, but while things look very positive in some aspects, I was also disappointed that he did not call or text me more than he did last night and also that he's not set up anything firm to see me again.

I was wondering if seeing me in the flesh was a disappointment for him.

Am I paranoid?

Please don't tell me to ask him, because I think he is a slow mover and any questions like that he'd find offputting.

Not felt like this since I was about 17 and am not sure how to handle it at all!

so you must be happy now, OP, as he's back to texting a lot? let him catch his breath and rest just a little while processing this overwhelming event that just happened! I'm sure this doesn't happen to people often, meeting online and then spending three blissful days of total togetherness on first meeting!

How very mills and boon tastic

go away Scottish mummy.

I do mean, scottish, that for me this would have been too full on - I couldn't do it! But you are a bit harsh, some people do get emotional quickly whether they want to or not.

Go away what?its not rash to advise adult to be realistic bout man she met 4days ago
Really we dont know if he was overwhelmed or not,but the gushy hyperbole is ott
Had a great time,goo sex,clicked.its got basis of goer bit needs exploration

Slow down, take it easy and enjoy it for what it is at the moment. Yep, you've hit it off, but you need to relax or you'll burn yourself out.

Disclaimer. What do I know. I still fuck my own relationship up on a regular basis. But I do know this. My granny was always right with this saying. What's for ye winna go by ye.

"After messaging for 24 hours we swapped numbers and started to phone / text and video chat. Usually for hours every day"

This, and all the anxiety and text messaging sounds like my teenage niece at the moment. It's too much the need for constant text messages and reassurance. If the other way around, I'd possibly see it as one of those big red flags and back off if I were him.

Hope it all works out for you though OP. Take it easy. Don't play games either pretending not to be keen, as that's just silly, but do take a step back as you just sound desperate for an intense relationship. Sorry if that's harsh

These 3 days you spent together mid-week - I presume he is off work cos of his arm; did you take holiday?

This is what happens when you jump into things too quickly. Three full days plus sex equals this. If you had waited, it would or would not have grown on its own. Now you are over invested. Who is the guy? You don't really know.

Let a few days roll by and stop thinking about him all the time.

Hmm Scottishmummy again the ice queen of relationships

OP

I'd be careful, actually.

Perhaps I'm just an old lady who doesn't understand anything (I'm 39) but him adding your friends to his facebook thing sounds ridiculous!

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months. I don't use facebook, but, whilst I can see that I'd expect to be FB friends with him by now if I did, I certainly wouldn't expect or want him to be 'friends' with my real life friends after only meeting them once, and after I'd only met him for a weekend.

That just seems like way too much! And I'd have been completely scared off by it.

I to say, if it were me (and it's not beause I've been married forever but I do have friends who are dating so hear all their tales of woe - the highs and the lows) I do think it is SO much better to just take your time. After all, this is the very lovely stage of getting to know each other slowly but surely but you've compacted the best bit which could have lasted 6 months into 4 days. So in a way, it's now what next?

It would have been better to have not video chatted for hours at a time within a day of meeting online. And better not to spend 3 days together when you'd only known him a week. Surely it's more exciting slowly getting to know each other? Some couples don't go away together for days on end for a year or so of slow dating but you've done that already! You'll be meeting each others parents next week probably! Just slow down OP because at this pace the whole thing is going to crash and burn in a couple of weeks because everything has been compacted into such a short space of time.

And I would no way be inviting someone into my FB page and friending my friends at this stage.

As for a shift of tone - does that still apply now he is texting lots?

Thanks all...I can see I was probably being a bit stupid.

I think it's because he isn't like the previous two people who were very full on with their words from the outset but they turned out to be horrible in time. I can see that if he is slow to speak words he is more likely to mean them and it's a good thing if he is taking his time. I know it's very early stages.

I'm not desperate to be in a relationship. Single for a year and he's the only person on online dating I agreed to meet because he was the only one I seemed to get on with / like enough to feel like I wanted to meet him.

I know the situation was a bit rushed. If he'd lived closer we'd have gone for coffee but with the travel distance it made more sense to extend a bit. It was also a rare gap in my work schedule which is pretty hectic, as is his. We both travel a lot for work and both work weekends to in our fields.

Yes, he's still in contact lots and it's all been nice. He's maybe just a normal person and not a smarmy charmer that's full of crap like the last two.

I'm not very good at judging these things, but glad you all helped me see I was being a bit over the top to say the least. I'm not very good at dating...it's been so long and to be honest I don't think I've ever really dated. Just sort of fell into relationships.

Time and again we see this on here from online dating.

Complete over-investment after only 24 hours - constant texting, phone calls, the magical 'connection/chemistry' followed by a first date... then a cooling off or disappearance and the OP in turmoil, checking phone every 2 minutes, why hasn't he texted, analysing any text he does send, seeking reassurance from strangers on the internet.

(And please - he says from the first time we talked he cancelled his other dates and stopped chatting to other girls - take statements like this with a massive pinch of salt.)

(I'd also bet money that there was no hotel booking.)

As for 3 days for a first date...

OP - my take on this is that he was off work sick with nothing better to do so it was easy for him to come and spend 3 days with someone who he knew would offer him plenty of sex, cooking etc. Easier to be looked after by you for a few days than start at home with one arm out of action.

For the future, this is how on-line dating should work:

• chat to a few people at the same time
• exchange a few messages to find out if you have a few things in common and a similar outlook on life
• suggest meeting in the real world
• keep the first meeting short eg quick coffee for an hour max
• meet for coffee with as many people as you like
• depending on how that first meeting goes, then move to arrange a proper date

Effectively, you've had a prolonged one night stand. Nothing wrong with that in principle except it wasn't what you wanted and it's caused you nothing but angst.

To avoid any more time-wasting, just call him or text him to see when he's free to meet again. At least then you'll know where things stand and you won't be relying on him to call all the shots.

op, i have no idea how he could have been less full on than he has been.

you are setting yourself up for a huge fall, stop being so controlling of this.

this is meant as 'calm down nice advice' and comes from someone who over analysis everything.

Melissa Good luck with it all. Fingers crossed and all of that.

Melissa,you had a good time,good sex.take it as that,and dont burden it with baggage
Look be a bit circumspect,be safe and dont idealise a burgeoning relationship
Youd no meet a new friend and immediately think we'll be besties,i'll be there for everything,crying over men,laughing deeply at her wedding....so dont run away with yourself about a man

Think and reflect upon you fall into relationships
Yoy dint have to fall.you can set pace,you can have control too

Thanks...good advice. All taken on board.

Melissa I met my now dh online, and we chatted for hours via facetime etc before finally meeting - and that was over a weekend as he lived in the Netherlands. Who cares how you met - if it was down the pub, through a mate or Internet, there's no guarantee that he'll be a knob or not. My XH was a complete disaster and we met through mutual friends. The method of meeting these days is irrelevant.

I understand the insecurity and worry completely, particularly if you are getting back into it after a difficult prior relationship. You're investing a lot of your emotion into it and why wouldn't you? You like the guy, you want it to work and you don't want to get hurt. There are some quite harsh comments on here. I know when I get insecure it's actually more me lacking in confidence rather than the problem being with the other person. Like you can't believe they like you for you and just enjoy something as straightforward as being in your company. Perhaps being more confident in yourself will help?

Take it at face value that he's genuine, he seems into you, he wants to see you again and he's still in touch with you. From reading your posts there is nothing to suggest otherwise. Why people would say there is some sort of hidden agenda is And in the unlikely circumstance that happens, then you know what? You'll be perfectly OK and will find someone worthy of your attention.

Right now, keep it simple, enjoy the now and don't worry about the future :)

Thanks Livingzuid. I do think it has a lot to do with lack of confidence from my previous relationship. He said he had affairs because I was awful etc. and completely knocked me down. Admittedly not feeling my best re-entering the game. Thanks for understanding. I do know how sad this post comes across as but in a way the tough comments made me realise I was being a twit.

He has set up the second date today. So that was good. Although I know if he hadn't I was still being far too over-invested far too soon. Glad I posted here instead of letting him know!

JeanSeberg...are you a Rules girl per chance? I read the book and everything you have said is the advice given there. Very sensible advice in my opinion. The Rules was slated as game playing but in fact it was very solid advice to save women from just this sort of angst that OP is going through. The book helped me to change the way I dealt with relationships (all relationships not just romantic) and empowered me.
OP...you need to stop with the texting. STOP. If he is really interested he will phone you. Texting is easy and its not real. He is losing interest because you have given it all upfront and given too much too soon. So stop texting and see if he bothers to actually phone. That will be very telling as phoning you is more of a investment in a potential relationship than just texting. He could be texting many women at the same time as texting you and could also be seeing other woman too. What he says doesn't mean much. What he does means more.

Good luck melissa and hope the second date goes well!

As for the 'Rules' what a load of game playing childish crap. Why can't a woman set up a date or contact a guy who she is interested in instead of passively sitting arojnd waiting. Text is just one of many different ways people stay in touch and the OP has said they talk and Skype as well as text.

The majority of men are flattered to be approached and quite happy with text or whatever. If they are into you you'll know about it. If they aren't then you will also know. and if they don't like it well they aren't worth wasting time on.

The majority of men are also perfectly nice decent people who don't go around using women.

Not game playing at all from what I read. Just a good old fashioned common sense book empowering you to reclaim your self esteem and your mental health so that you are not anguishing and over analysing every little thing he says or does. All this overthinking really makes you live in your mind too much and can screw up any chance of a good relationship.

Texting too much and skyping when you havnt even met is definitely way too much. Should be just a couple of texts and then a phone call and a proper date made and then take the time slowly to get to know each other. Of course men are flattered to be approached but they usually prefer to do the chasing.

No I'm not a Rules girl at all, I think there's some awful stuff in that book.

The 'guidelines' I used for online dating are just what I consider to be common sense. It's a numbers game so chat to as many people as you like at any one time - out of 20 you message, you might be lucky to even get as far as meeting for a coffee with just one of them.

A lot won't reply to the first message, a lot more will disappear when you ask to swap numbers and another lot won't be seen for dust when you suggest meeting in the real world. Add in the chances of actually clicking with the one that you do meet and the probability of it going anywhere is slim so widen your net as far as you can.

(Mind you, I've long since knocked OLD on the head, too much of a headfuck, even for the most resilient person.)

Excellent advice Jean