he's gone

[caruti]

My husband of 17 years has left me. We've got five children together- one is three months old. There is another woman involved. My question is, my baby is breastfed and will be for the next three months till I return to work. With the older children ahes 7-15 obviously he can arrange what he wants with regards seeing them- they don't want to see him however. What about the baby? She goes where I go. I don't want to spend an afternoon with him while he plays at being a father. I don't want to see him. Can I refuse him access?

Missed it.

I missed it too. Curious now!

It was nothing at all, caruti. You have bigger fish to fry x

The nobber is now banned.

What happened? Pleeeeasse tell me.

I have pm'ed you, simply to put your mind at rest

Congrats on being so which though wow!

Just a nobber, ledkr. That ones been dispatched, there will be another one popping up to take his place any minute now

Everybody's emotional reactions to what's happened are as valid as everyone else's. Your children do not have to forgive their father. They may come to do this in time, but at the moment it's far too soon for that. A lot is going to happen during the divorce they won't be able to control, but they have the absolute right to their own feelings about it. No Court is going to order contact that an able teenager [by which I mean a child without very significant learning difficulties] does not want. Whether they see him is ultimately up to them.

I think in reality the only way forward for now is no contact. I'm making it too easy for him I think and he needs to understand that he has given up his family and that will have consequences for him as much as everyone else. I don't think he actually thought about what it would mean to leave. He is having a crisis, I know that, but he can't drag us all down with him.

So true, caruti

You have yourself and your kids to think about now

he is a grown man, and he can look after himself

I wish I could avoid the wobbles though when I desperately want him to come home- like now.

Hope you got a little bit of sleep, caruti

caruti the wobbles will get less and less and if you go no contact for a hole they will start to fade totally.
I found going nc very cathartic, I got my sisters to do the hangovers and it just gave me berthing and healing space.
My ex was bloody fuming that I was "breaking up the family" when it was him who had had a lengthy affair.
I stayed strong by thinking of my older dc who knew what he had done (one of them found out before me) and the realisation that they could never share their home with him ever again and although my dd was only 8 months at the time I wanted her to grow up with good role models and a cheating arse and a downtrodden mother were far from it.

HANDOVERS

I did sleep. I was wide awake in the early hours. Over the past ten days I've been getting up then, whereas I managed to go back to sleep last night. I suppose that's a good sign. Even had a bit of a lie in- cheers baby! It's just sad isn't it? Half my life with him. Not that I regret that- I wouldn't have had the dc otherwise.

This is true.

I didn't sleep for ages, or eat.
When things started to get better I knew because I coukd sleep a bit.
Herbal nytol are gentle but helpful.
Go told me to get up or the anxiety will kick in.
It's horrible but you sound so strong and you will get through it.
I used to tick off each day as a step closer to feeling normal again.

Well the one positive is I can wear my skinny jeans again. I didn't want to make too much of a fuss about that in case I sounded superficial! However, I'm thrilled. I have to eat something because of the feeding so I am forcing myself to, , otherwise I don't think I'd eat at all. Stress does funny things to you doesn't it?

Every cloud, eh

Goodness me, what a terrible time. And what a nasty selfish man.

Big hugs to you for being so amazing!!!

Xx

Hope you sleep better tonight.
I used to allow myself half an hour to process what was happening then push it all to the back if my mind and sleep.

You're not being superficial at all! I lost two stone in the process of it all.

But as you're feeding you have to eat. Bananas, soft fruit, milk/fortified soya milk, smoothies, bits of protein. I couldn't look at carbs without feeling ill (and i was in Italy when he dropped the bombshell - not with him though - the home of lovely carbs - tosser!).

When i couldn't sleep with my mind racing with it all i would think of a book or film that i loved and go through the plot in my mind, sometimes didn't work but often did. And camomile tea.

One step at a time.. xxx

Yes one step at a time. I do try and be reasonable with him- he saw the baby yesterday, but today I couldn't possibly have seen him so it very much depends on my mood. What is reasonable with regards access? How often do estranged dads see their children? It still hasn't sunk in that this has happened. I honestly thought we were happy.