he's gone

[caruti]

My husband of 17 years has left me. We've got five children together- one is three months old. There is another woman involved. My question is, my baby is breastfed and will be for the next three months till I return to work. With the older children ahes 7-15 obviously he can arrange what he wants with regards seeing them- they don't want to see him however. What about the baby? She goes where I go. I don't want to spend an afternoon with him while he plays at being a father. I don't want to see him. Can I refuse him access?

She's married-I think she's panicked and fled. He left before I knew about her. He's lost everyone, even the stupid tramp who toyed with him because she was bored.

sending hugs, be strong

Again agree with random mess.

The email trail might prove useful in the future. Also agree about the dc's might be saying they don't want to see him to please other people.

What a mess he has created. Selfish man.

I've told the children that they have to forgive him for their own sakes. Trouble is the girls witnessed him texting her before he left. They saw a female name on his phone and constant texts back and for while he was out with them separately. He denies this and they are angry with him for the lie. He's trying to pull the wool over their eyes. Both kept it to themselves - they didn't tell each other for fear of being wrong. What a cruel thing to do

The dc also need to see him to vent their anger and frustration at him, rather than you having to help them cope with it. He's being protected from the fall out at the moment!

I would encourage the dc to see him, even if he takes them out for something to eat one at a time.

X-posts tell the girls to tell him again that they don't like the lies and they are not stupid!!

Get them to write him a letter telling him everything then after a few days chat to them about whether they want to send it or not, bin it or tell him in person???

Yes- they should have it out with him. Fucking bastard texting while with them. Bless their hearts keeping it to themselves. He should be totally ashamed of himself.

You are dealing with all of this. He should be the one to discuss it with them and he should play a part in helping them deal with the emotional fall out.

Didnt mean the only one....obviously you should discuss it with them...

I would let them be angry. Their feelings are valid. I don't think they should forgive him until he apologises to them and admits he lied.why should they?

True-I agree with what you've all said. He needs to admit he lied-he won't-he is a very good liar. He is charismatic and manipulative. He is also very weak and a coward. I'm no angel-apparently I've neglected him!

This is a difficult one - Research has shown that children from divorced parents have lower self esteem and achieve lower educational profiles (Amato, 2006). My feeling is that, unless there is an issue of safety for the children - and that does not appear to be the case from what you say, you may consider putting aside your own feelings and think longer term about you children's futures. They may not want to see their dad - this needs to be discussed - above all endeavour to maintain good connectivity with your ex (i.e. good - non discord discussions) regarding continued access.

ref: Amato, Paul R. 'Marital discord, Divorce and Children's Well-Being'

What does Amato say about making children see a father who has lied to them and continues to do so? Especially when they are asking NOT to see him?

Long term research into families that have divorced compared to those that have not show that children's well-being, self esteem and academic achievement is lower with divorced parents. My advice would be to put your own feeling aside and to endeavour to have good - non-discord - access discussions with your ex. also have good unbiased discussions with your children to find out exactly why they do not want to see their dad. of course their safety is paramount but your posting does not imply an issue here.

The most important thing here is your children's well-being and the research shows that maintaining good relations with the 'departed' parent is important.

There is no issue of safety. The middle two would probably like to see him, even though one of these is the daughter he lied to. He has told her she is mistaken- she didn't see him texting that lady......She knows she did. He is trying to get her to question her own memory. Surely that isn't good for her self esteem?

But what does research say about forcing children to see the departed parent against their wishes.

You are applying a general view to a very specific case without acknowledging what makes this situation unique.

I would be careful with encouraging them to forgive people that do not apologise and lie in case they model their future relationships on him.

I agree Caruti.

Exactly mamma.

I would do what's best for the baby tbh, it would take ages to get to court so whilst you can't legally refuse him acess then you can certainly practically say not for long.
This happened to me too but I wasn't breast feeding, he was so excited at his new life that he barely bothered anyway so it wasn't an issue.
Go no contact for a bit if you can, leave friends to do hangovers it really helps.
For what it's worth I had a blast once I was over the shock and despair and my life has been amazing since.

Ha ha I meant hand overs although I did have a few hangovers too

Thanks everyone. Not a situation I ever thought I'd be in. I am a walking cliche!

Horrendous OP you must be reeling. I am so sorry.

With regard to your older DCs I am not surprised the eldest is angry and the others upset/confused in their own right. Exams are a valid excuse to avoid further ructions for now but if the middle two want to see their DF it might be better for them to face him.

The idea of him waltzing back into the family home to see your baby is repugnant but it's more about youngest DD being in a comfortable environment isn't it. To avoid him playing the martyr or claiming that you are placing obstacles in his path let him have limited time with his baby DD.

Naturally the last thing you feel like doing is have him swan in and play Dad of the Year but you don't want to give him the smallest opportunity to whine to anybody least of all your older DCs you are making things acrimonious. Any hassle with solicitors or legal pressure is the last thing you need.

So far I have taken her to see him. He wouldn't have seen the baby at all otherwise. If he had been sorry, honest and showed some desire to maintain a relationship of sorts I would maybe feel able to have him here to see the baby. I even messaged him saying he could take her for a walk. I didn't know then aabout the string of lies he has told his daughters. That makes it all so much worse. He has known this woman for four weeks. He is an absolute nutter