he's gone

[caruti]

My husband of 17 years has left me. We've got five children together- one is three months old. There is another woman involved. My question is, my baby is breastfed and will be for the next three months till I return to work. With the older children ahes 7-15 obviously he can arrange what he wants with regards seeing them- they don't want to see him however. What about the baby? She goes where I go. I don't want to spend an afternoon with him while he plays at being a father. I don't want to see him. Can I refuse him access?

You are doing great Caruti. X

Ps- you're not the walking cliche....he is!

Well I had all my hair cut off yesterday and wore red lipstick to a family wedding party last night. I have to keep going don't I?

You have 5 wonderful children and he says you neglected him!

For the love of sanity, where do some cheaters get off with their warped justifications!!

I am so sorry you and your DCs are going through this. You sound so strong, putting the DCs feelings first.

You rock. Good for bloody you!

Something tells me you're going to be more than ok!! Have you read the other thread, the ltb play list?? Sounds like you're ready for done of those tunes. Crank up the volume!

• some of those tunes, not done... :)

caruti - I love that you had a hair cut etc. I immediately got a fringe cut, bought new clothes and started wearing make up and looking my best at all times.

I had advice on here very early on, fake it 'til you make it, I have held onto that since the beginning.

For you lovely

Yes I had my long dark hair cut and dyed into a short platinum bob, lots two stones and bought new clothes.
I also pulled myself a much younger and very gorgeous husband!! Woo!
World and oyster spring to mind!

My advice has come from, of all people, Victoria Beckham- when things go wrong look hot and happy. I soooo agree with that!

You sound amazing OP x

Caruti, i salute you! Keep up the red lipstick, the symbol of your survival of his foolishness. And impressive that Mrs Beckham had something sensible to say!

I'm wearing bright pink lipstick today in support!
Let's have a general bright lippy day

I actually love Victoria Beckham, remember that she has been through it too and has maintained her dignity. You know what Caruti, whatever works for you - whatever gets you through.

My anthem was The Gossip - Move in the Right Direction. I played that loud so many times!

So sorry you've found yourself in this situation OP.

I think you should email him and explain that his continuing to lie to his children is detrimental to their wellbeing. Once he can come clean to them and relieve them of that burden, then maybe he can begin to repair the damage he has done to his relationship with them. They cannot be forced to see him if they don't want to, that is just heaping insult upon injury.

I have asked them to contact him explaining how they feel. If they ignored him he was claiming that that was my doing. I've told them not to feel they have to take sides and not to feel disloyal if they want to see him. My moodfluctuates massively from one hour to the next but I know that will pass. Thanks again for all the support. It has certainly been useful. As far as the feeding goes we'll just have to wait and see. I'm not disrupting her feeding for the sake of someone who has walked out on her.

Understandably, your children are hurt and confused but they are still so young. Itwill be really difficult for them to untangle their conflicting emotions and separate them from their loyalty and protectiveness of you. Their father may never acknowledge, let alone apologise for his behaviour. However, for their own sakes they will have to find a way to accept that this is part of who he is, without feeling that they have to abandon their love of him or that they are betraying you. In effect you have to give them explicit permission to love him as well as the space to be angry and sad.

Accusing you of turning them against him is the default response by some men to absolve themselves of any responsibility, whilst conveniently painting you as the perpetrator and them the victim.

My daughter is now seven and hadn't seen her father in three years. The hardest thing is preparing her to lower her expectations of her father because they will likely never be met. His failings as a father are not a reflection of her worth.

Everything's so new and raw and they are going to be times when you have to fake it until you can make it. This is a crappy time for you all but it will pass.

I have asked them to contact him explaining how they feel. I hope, though, that they know they don't have to if they don't want to. I would think that could be a really difficult thing for them to do.

Really, if their father is not getting any response from them, or contact from them, that is his own fault. And he needs to sort that one out with them. I'm not saying if you feel it is actually in their best interests to do so, that you shouldn't help them on this. What I'm saying is that they are children, and it is not for them to sort anything out if they don't want to. Of course he will accuse you of poisoning them etc, but that is a separate issue. In then end, he has damaged his relationship with his children and he must be the one that takes steps to repair it, not the children.

They don't have to. They are very mature young people-almost 14 and 16. Really it's up to them. They don't trust him they said, which is sad, but his doing. He's going to have to try very hard to rebuild. I don't suppose it will ever be the same again. They are much stronger than I am though and it's through this that I've seen their amazing fortitude.

Having stuffed up many things with my eldest, who is 17, please don't underestimate how conflicted and struggling they may be on the inside despite mature appearances. My eldest has always appeared amazingly mature but it was actually a way of her not dealing with her emotions.

I'm sure at the moment their anger is carrying them through but underneath they are probably incredibly hurt and bewildered and what their dad has done to them as well as you.

Your H is completely deluded not to realise this is all his own doing! Teens are often the most righteous, stubborn and unforgiving creatures

I wish I had a fraction of their strength. I did try meeting him with the baby yesterday. It was disastrous. I had to leave after about ten minutes-we met in a park. It's too soon for me to keep my emotions under control. He'll just have to be patient until I can bare to be near him

Yes he will just have to be patient, your baby is too young for a lack of contact for a couple of months to be a major issue for her. Be kind to yourself x

Reported.

Beat me to it AF

A new low.