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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend's DP has just made a pass at me!

53 replies

SelectAUserName · 25/05/2014 00:38

Been round at close friend's house all evening for girly catch up. Had about 1.5 bottles of wine between us but over several hours so relaxed but not drunk. Time came to leave, rang for a cab but was going to be over an hour so friend's DP (who had been watching TV in other room so not drinking with us) offered to give me a lift home. Pulled up at my house, he leant over and I thought he was going to give me a peck on the cheek. Instead tried to kiss me properly and tried to feel my breast. I was so shocked I just pulled back and said "what are you DOING?" and he just sort of laughed and shrugged. I got out of the car and let myself into the house.

What the hell do I do? Do I tell my friend? If I tell my DH he'll go beserk with him, but DH is very unwell (in hospital again this weekend) and doesn't need the stress. I don't want to feel like I'm keeping friend's DP's dirty little secret but I don't want to hurt my friend either. They're not married but live together, been together 12 years and have two young kids together. (I know it's technically a minor sexual assault but I'm not going to report it for my friend's sake.) She is under massive pressure with a work restructure and a neighbour dispute and this would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Assuming she believed me and didn't think I'd led him on, which I honestly didn't - we were just chatting about inconsequential nonsense on the way home.

Stupid arse. Why couldn't he keep his hands to himself?

OP posts:

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo · 25/05/2014 00:41

What's the saying "I'd rather be hurt by the truth then be kept happy by lies"

This applies massively here for me, if you were my friend and didn't tell me no matter what reason I'd one wonder why, if you had nothing to hide you'd tell me straight away (I'd think anyway) you lied for god knows how long.

Tell her as soon as you can

IWillIfHeWill · 25/05/2014 00:42

You could try thinking 'He's a prat' and letting it go, whilst making a mental note never to be alone with him?

BetterTogether75 · 25/05/2014 00:44

Sorry to hear this, but there is nothing you can really say IRL, as consequences you have described appear to outweigh any benefit. File under Annoying Shit I Can't Do Anything About?

Babesh · 25/05/2014 00:46

This happened to me though she isn't a good friend rather a daily acquaintance who I really like. I didn't say and interrupted the incident before it was too awful but I still feel grim about it all. I don't know that I did the right thing at all but I imagine this will have happened all round these men all their lives.either she knows or many others have kept quiet too. What toasters:(

Babesh · 25/05/2014 00:46

Erm tossers:!

SavoyCabbage · 25/05/2014 00:48

I would definitely tell my dh if I were you. Even if you have to wait until he's feeling better. You and he are a team and you shouldn't have to keep things from him because of the actions of some arse.

Original poster

SelectAUserName · 25/05/2014 00:48

I suppose I'm selfishly worried she'll "shoot the messenger". She's one of my oldest and closest friends, we've known each other over a quarter of a century and I'd be devastated to lose her friendship over something not of my making.

IWill I can't remember the last time before this that I was alone with him, I usually try to discreetly avoid him as I don't like him very much (I like him even less now!)

OP posts:

TheUnburnt · 25/05/2014 00:49

I don't know if you should tell your friend. I mean you should as she deserves to know what a shit her DP is, but it will probably end up backfiring on you. I would tell your DH though, I don't think it's something you should keep from him. Also if you keep it to yourself it will end up eating away at you and making you completely stressed yourself.

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo · 25/05/2014 00:52

Of you tell your dp and he goes bazerk then kicks of at your friends dp she will find out you kept it from her.

What if it was your friend and your do, would you want her to keep it from you?

Original poster

SelectAUserName · 25/05/2014 00:52

Savoy you're right, I know you are. I need to do it in a way that won't lead to DH threatening to beat the crap out of him. He's not a violent man at all but he would/will utterly flip his lid over this.

I'm raging at friend's DP and feeling quite tearful at the same time.

OP posts:

Original poster

SelectAUserName · 25/05/2014 00:55

I need to try and get some sleep. Hopefully the right thing to do will be clearer tomorrow. Thank you for your prompt responses.

OP posts:

hakunafrittata · 25/05/2014 01:02

Tell your friend and DP. You speak about how the stress would impact him... what about yourself? You will feel better if you get it out. If you don't, then it WILL come out eventually. This has happened to me before- a few months later after I had a few drinks, it slipped out, which upset my DP as he couldn't understand why I didn't tell him right away.

It doesn't get said enough here on Mumsnet, but people in love are meant to be a team, and not work against/ hide things from one another. Whatever problems you may face are also the concern of your OH. To me, that is one of the best things about a proper relationship- the knowledge that you are never alone.

Likekewise, if someone made a pass at your OH, you would want to know. Again, this did happen to my DP. It was a random woman in a bar, mind you, but the fact that he hadn't told me that a woman had spent the majority of the evening trying to cosy up to him and stick her tongue down his throat wasn't important enough to tell me until months later... well, I felt like this was slighlty seedy behaviour. It is not that I am insecure, but when you hear information from a second hand source or in a delayed fashion, for some reason it does hurt a bit.

hakunafrittata · 25/05/2014 01:04

Savoy, major cross-post re 'team' haha.

Babesh · 25/05/2014 01:46

Just remembered that this happened to a good friend with her BIL. She pretended it hadn't and her sis and bil split due to his affair a while later.

I am a team with dh but didn't tell mine. We see these people often, kids at the same parties etc and really I didn't need him to feel fucked off with this man and he would have been.

Fontella · 25/05/2014 02:54

This happened to me and I didn't tell my friend. I thought about it, but she had been seriously ill prior to this and was still quite frail at the time, plus she was madly in love with the creep. I'm not sure she would have believed me anyway - he was such a smarmy bastard. I kept my distance after that. They are still together.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 25/05/2014 07:09

What amazes me is so few women in this situation don't lose the plot and batter the bastard to the point of a pair of black eyes that are impossible to explain! I have been in a similar situation and I felt frozen and but in retrospect wished I had reacted more like a man would and smack the bugger right in the grid! Women are so well behaved compared to men when this sort of thing happens.

WanderingTrolley1 · 25/05/2014 07:13

I don't think you should tell her.

Avoid him, as much as you can in future.

hoboken · 25/05/2014 07:23

Presumably he was so casual because he assumes there will be no consequences and it clearly means nothing to him.

If you tell your DH, at whom will he 'go berserk'? Will that be at you, at the other guy or both? (I am not attaching any blame to you). This is a difficult one. I am willing to put money on it that the guy would say you came onto him and that he didn't respond. That is clearly not what happened but if he can be such a fool as to try his luck, he will surely say anything to minimise.

I would keep my distance from that family but what ever you do, she will be "punished", as are you.

Sympathy for you in having been put in this situation.

Footle · 25/05/2014 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/05/2014 07:32

I'd contact the partner, demand an apology for his behaviour and, if he doesn't seem to be sincere, tell everyone what a sleaze he is. Either way, it's worth telling your DH that you think the bloke is a bit of a creep, even if you don't go into details.

georgedawes · 25/05/2014 07:34

Similar happened to me and I said nothing, unbeknownst to me he told my friend I'd tried it on with him!!

I'd tell your husband when he's better.

musicalendorphins2 · 25/05/2014 07:38

If your dh won't go over with a machete or loaded gun, tell both your husband and your friend. Be best of you and your dh could go over there and you tell her then, right in front of her partner. And if he cries liar, say you are willing to undergo a polygraph, and whoever is the "liar" can pay for it!

beatingwings · 25/05/2014 07:42

I would tell OH and friend. But be prepared for this to end your friendship.

matildasquared · 25/05/2014 07:43

Don't keep this a secret, don't don't don't.

Tell your friend. If she "shoots the messenger" she's a crap friend.

Ditto about your husband. Are you really afraid to tell him you've been assaulted because you can't handle his reaction? Either you're not giving him enough credit, or he's just not a good husband. Anyway, tell him.

hoboken · 25/05/2014 07:50

Second thoughts... I agree with music. Both of you go over there and tell them together. Let the sleaze know you are united - you will get in first. Also agree with Matilda that if she disbelieves you, she is not a good friend.

Her H is the cause of this possible great unhappiness etc. I feel very sorry for her.

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