Friend's DP has just made a pass at me!

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Been round at close friend's house all evening for girly catch up. Had about 1.5 bottles of wine between us but over several hours so relaxed but not drunk. Time came to leave, rang for a cab but was going to be over an hour so friend's DP (who had been watching TV in other room so not drinking with us) offered to give me a lift home. Pulled up at my house, he leant over and I thought he was going to give me a peck on the cheek. Instead tried to kiss me properly and tried to feel my breast. I was so shocked I just pulled back and said "what are you DOING?" and he just sort of laughed and shrugged. I got out of the car and let myself into the house.

What the hell do I do? Do I tell my friend? If I tell my DH he'll go beserk with him, but DH is very unwell (in hospital again this weekend) and doesn't need the stress. I don't want to feel like I'm keeping friend's DP's dirty little secret but I don't want to hurt my friend either. They're not married but live together, been together 12 years and have two young kids together. (I know it's technically a minor sexual assault but I'm not going to report it for my friend's sake.) She is under massive pressure with a work restructure and a neighbour dispute and this would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Assuming she believed me and didn't think I'd led him on, which I honestly didn't - we were just chatting about inconsequential nonsense on the way home.

Stupid arse. Why couldn't he keep his hands to himself?

You have been friends for over 25 years. I know if a dear friend I had known that long needed to tell me something I wouldn't be 'shooting the messenger'. Has she been with him years?

What a horrible situation

Please consider making a police report. He's done it before and he'll do it again.

You'll get a lot of people on later today bristling at the idea of reporting it to the police but thankfully we live in a country where grabbing someone like that is assault and the police must take it seriously.

Good advice so far so I have nothing to add except to say I am sorry this has happened. It changes things one way or another.

This happened to me (twice) with my Bil. Both times I initially blamed myself, then immediately and carefully told my DH. He knows what his brother is like and also that sil would be likely to fly off the handle about something like this and together we decided not to say anything.

The second time was more tricky and DH found it quite difficult to be friendly with his brother for a while afterwards so I think Bil knows DH knows something and hasn't tried it again. Although I still make sure I'm never alone with him. We all used to be quite close and this has really spoilt things. Stupid man!

I think tell your husband, very gently and carefully and explain that you handled it at the time and don't want to tell your friend or take it any further. Also because you don't want to be getting the blame if anything does come out later and your husband has heard nothing about it.

It is a horrible situation. But it's already happened. He's done something which changes everything -their relationship, your friendship. She just doesn't know yet. I think you need to tell her straight out - factual account of what happened, no bells, whistles, or even advice about what she should do. You'll need to step away for a while I expect as there'll likely be anger that gets misdirected at you, but hopefully you can re-approach the friendship later.

If he does "get lucky" with someone else, how would you feel supporting her through that aftermath knowing you kept it to yourself?

On contacting the police; only you can know whether this was an incident crissing that threshold but from a selfish point of view it might be quite protective in all of this. Says loud and clear you were a victim, not a even remotely willing participant.

Definitely tell your dh. This happened to me and my x friend's dh tried to make out it was me. It was only the fact that I was completely open to my dh that saved me from looking like the perp. Friend no longer talks to me as her dh has obviously given her a right story. It wasn't even the first time he had been caught out but she is still with him.
There is a chance you will lose your friend but don't risk your marriage by trying to save everyone else's feelings.

I had a somewhat similar thing happen, but at work.
I was shaking and upset for hours.

I didn't tell now-exH (he'd have put it on me and never let go, partly why he's an ex as well as kicking off at the guy).
He was a co-worker and was dating someone else at work too, who I new.
I told a couple of friends at work and my boss, and made it clear to my boss and the colleague that if it ever happened again I'd report it.

Not sure what is the right approach, but given the circumstances, I'd probably tell him (by text or email if you have it) that what he did was totally inappropriate and Amy repeat or with anyone else I knew that it would be out in the open and reported to the police.

Any, not Amy!

Thanks everyone. I will definitely tell my DH as soon as he's feeling a little better. It is his reaction towards friend's partner I referred to re "going beserk" - DH already doesn't like him and thinks he isn't good enough for my friend, who he has known for nearly as long as I have, so hearing that "The Arse" as he refers to the partner when we're alone has tried it on with me will make him furious at him.

I'll talk to DH first and discuss with him what I/we do about telling my friend. I really don't want to lose her friendship; she is my closest friend and I'd be bereft without her, and I've been there for her through her shit times too so we have a lot of shared, close history. Her DP is a twat - reading between the lines it's thanks to him that she's at odds with her neighbours but she won't have a word said against him. He's a sponger who has barely worked since they got together but she always has an excuse as to why not. So I really do fear that if I tell her, she'll perform the same doublethink to convince herself it was me not him :( Essentially she's in an EA relationship but she isn't ready to see it yet and so I'll be another baddie ganging up to slag him off, I suspect.

I'm not reporting it to the police. I know all the arguments why I should but that's one decision I've made that I'm certain about, for various reasons.

Am shocked at how many other posters have been in the same position - all these married/committed tossers with wandering hands!

Urgh he sounds vile.

I do think he'll tell her you tried it on with him, sorry. Seems to be what those kind of scumbags do.

OP, direct your friend to MN

I'd want to know if I were her. Three of my friends kept quiet when an ex offered his number to a girl on a night out, and then he went on to cheat on me in spectacular fashion. I don't speak to them now.

Could you raise the scenario with her and say it was a colleague's partner, and what would she do, in order to see if she'd want to be told?

I don't think you should wait (i waited a year, bug mistake). You should tell dh and df today. The delay will look suspicious. Just reassure dh that you handled it and he is not to worry.

Tell both of them but just as a joke/quick comment rather than a big thing. So then at least you've been honest.

Sounds like this man is NSIT ("not safe in taxis")

A joke? Really?

Yeah defo tell your husband and tell your friend. It's up to them then.

I don't feel it's necessary or beneficial to anyone to report to the police.

If I had my chance again I would have told him that I didn't appreciate his behaviour in front of my friend so that he couldn't get out of it.

Tell DH first, then both tell friend. She may or may not take it well (!) but she can add it to the list of reasons she has to leave him, because he sounds dreadful, even if can't clearly see that yet.

It happened to me with a colleague's husband who groped me under the table at a dinner party with his wife sitting across from us. Creepy fucker. I didn't tell her. They split up ayear later anyway.

This happened to me. I went along the lines of I would want to know if it were my partner who tried it on. Boy did this messenger get shot! Apparently it was me who did the 'passing' and I am minus who I thought was a good friend. They are still together. If it happened again I would avoid the people in future. But say nothing

If you were my friend, I would want you to tell me. I would be devastated to find out my friend had kept something like that from me. If my DP had done something dreadful like that, I'd want to know about it, as that says a lot about his values, doesn't it? Important to know about BEFORE she marries him.