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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He told me to "shut the f**k up"

76 replies

jackiejaxjackson · 24/05/2014 22:08

MNers please let me know your opinions on this.

Driving home from DSis birthday day out, DD age 2 in back. Had lovely day, lunch out, park, coffee n cake n pub. OH driving.

Approaches traffic light controlled roundabout, lights are green. He slows down as if to give way but no need to. Car behind slams on brakes n beeps at us as Im saying "bloody hell lights are green! Be careful OH you had a beer this afternoon". He barks at me "shut the f**k up".

Ive no idea what to make of that except im gobsmacked. Im refusing to speak to him until he apologises. He has gone to bed in silence. Why on earth would he speak to me like that?

OP posts:

Clobbered · 24/05/2014 22:10

Why let him drive with your DD in car, after he's had alcohol? Perhaps he'd had more than you realised?

MuttonCadet · 24/05/2014 22:12

So he was driving cautiously and you complained? Perhaps drive yourself next time?

beaglesaresweet · 24/05/2014 22:14

that's not cautious driving, Multon - the car behind nearly slammed into him as he wasn't doing what was expected with the green light on.

Middledaughter · 24/05/2014 22:15

Mmmm even if he was driving carefully he could have said do you mind rather than shut the f**k up. Have been there and it feels bad. I hope he talks to you about it

Original poster

jackiejaxjackson · 24/05/2014 22:15

Been with him all day and he had a pint with lunch 7 hours before drive home, no more.

He wouldnt even speak to his not so nice work mates like that. Guess im going to just ask him why he said it but still cant understand why he was so nasty/rude.

OP posts:

RudyMentary · 24/05/2014 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whynowblowwind · 24/05/2014 22:17

It's really, really rude.

This is the person he took vows to love and cherish, have and hold, you don't speak to people like that. You just don't.

morethanpotatoprints · 24/05/2014 22:17

He obviously doesn't like being criticised for his bad driving.
Driving cautiously is a hazard to other drivers when it isn't needed.
Why was he drinking and driving anyway?
You need to tell him this isn't on and if he had been pulled up he could have been over the limit, the amounts are different to each person.
My dh only has to sniff a drink to be over the limit so won't drink at all if driving.

canatavia · 24/05/2014 22:19

He didn't need to tell you to shut the fuck up. That's completely unacceptable. No excuse (aside from one or two extreme examples)

heyho1919 · 24/05/2014 22:19

If he feels he can speak to you like that, he has no respect for you and it wil get worse, alot worse. I've been there but now happily divorced!

RudyMentary · 24/05/2014 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/05/2014 22:22

It's bad enough when you cock up at driving without the passenger telling you you've cocked it up and the guy behind sounding the horn at you into the bargain. If this isn't the normal way he speaks to you then it sounds like an involuntary, stress-induced expletive. An apology would be in order.

Original poster

jackiejaxjackson · 24/05/2014 22:22

Totally out of the blue for him to swear/speak like that, thats whats got to me most.

Some sage advice up thread from you all. Thanks.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/05/2014 22:23

Were there other 2yos at the birthday day out? Any chance of 'enforced jolliness with toddlers' overload?

pointythings · 24/05/2014 22:24

Speaking like that is unforgivable.

However, back seat driving is incredibly, incredibly annoying. I hate it when DH does it (maybe twice a year), especially since he doesn't drive. So I bite his head off when he does it. I don't use that kind of language though, I just tell him (coldly) that he gets to comment on my driving when he gets a license.

zippey · 24/05/2014 22:29

Are you sure you said what you said as calmly as you make out? Not saying you're lying but there might be more to it. From what you say it seems like the driver behind was more at fault, and maybe the combination of the drver behind beeping his horn and your critisism made him blow his fuse. You asked why would he speak to you like that.

Basically, its probably not aimed at you but the stress may have got to him. Maybe the drink had an effect too of loosening his language.

Having said that, he should deffo apologise, as you werent at fault.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/05/2014 22:29

I think the only thing that excuses that kind of language is back-seat driving actually.... :) As passenger sins go, being told what colour the traffic lights are ranks right up there with 'you've just driven past a parking space' and 'you do know the speed limit is 40mph?' (Having bad flashbacks to driving with DM in the car....)

beaglesaresweet · 24/05/2014 22:30

this is unacceptable.

But if you want to know what's behind this, ask him why is he pissed off with you - he obviously has been bearing some grudge! I thought first that maybe he was a bit drunk, but after 7hrs it wasn't just alcohol agression..
Did you criticise him on the day, especially in front of people, even jokingly? Some people just can't stand that.

TheHoundsBitch · 24/05/2014 22:32

I would have told you to stfu too. do you want us to say ltb?

Original poster

jackiejaxjackson · 24/05/2014 22:34

No other toddlers involved in the day. He was happy and chilled. He offered to drive too.

I'll just have to ask him tomorrow. I'll report back.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/05/2014 22:35

'you had a beer this afternoon'.... Given that it was seven hours earlier were you already questioning his judgement & cautioning him about the effect it was going to have on his driving ability at the time?

MrsRuffdiamond · 24/05/2014 22:36

Why on earth would he speak to me like that?

He was shocked by the near miss, and being beeped at?
It's not his idea of a relaxing day out, spending it with your family?
He'd had a long drive there and back, and was tired?
He's intolerant of back seat drivers?
You speak to him like that, sometimes?

Horrible to be snapped at like that, especially in front of your dd, especially when you didn't see it coming, but everyone has their breaking point, and maybe you didn't realise he'd reached his?

MostWicked · 24/05/2014 22:39

it sounds like an involuntary, stress-induced expletive

There is nothing involuntary about saying "shut the fuck up"
It is rude and unacceptable. It is no way to ever speak to your partner and definitely not in front of your child.
He should apologise.

RudyMentary · 24/05/2014 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinks42 · 24/05/2014 22:40

I'd not get my knickers in a twist about this OP. Like everyone said, it was a spur of the moment thing and you unintentionally just made it worse. Yes, to tell you to shut the fuck up is obviously rude and I'm sure he'll apologise.

(says the total swearbox when driving )

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