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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to feel so so angry about this?

60 replies

nomorequotes · 23/05/2014 09:19

He thinks I am being over the top and should 'stop insulting him'

we have always had a dreadful sex life, really bad to be honest and I've just tried to move on and work with him to make it better.

Last night he went down on me and was really rough, it was really uncomfortable and then he tried to jam as many of his fingers as he could into me so I pushed him off and he had really quick sex with me despite knowing I wasn't enjoying it (I was quite shocked and sore to be honest) and then afterwards he said 'you didn't enjoy that' and I said that I didn't like what he did and missed it being sensual and treated sensitively and that was always my preferred way of getting ready for sex. He went mental, ran into the bathroom and then said he was going downstairs, I was sat up on the bed and obviously quite distressed and he just didn't care. I managed to engage him in conversation and he said that is always what he has done (but I am sure it isn't) and that usual I am fine with it and I asked him if he usually tried to jam as many fingers as he could into me and he said 'yeah' but I KNOW that isn't true and I don't want to be that for him :(

I am not some pseudo-porn girl and I don't want to feel like I can't trust him in bed.

This is the end of a long long line of situations where he has been 'clumsy' and hurt me and I can't say anything because he just reacts like a teenager and we have an awful sex life.

I think this is the end of my marriage, I just can't trust him anymore

OP posts:
Flexibilityiskey · 23/05/2014 09:24

You are entirely right to feel how you do. It made me cringe just reading how he has treated you. I hope you are OK OP. Do you have someone you can talk to about it?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/05/2014 09:26

I agree with your last two sentences.

What a horrible, horrible experience forced on you by this man who is supposed to care for you. Thanks

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2014 09:29

Do you have children together?
And you say he has been 'clumsy' and hurt you before.
In what way?
It doesn't sound healthy at all.
I think this is probably the tip of the iceburg to be honest.

And is more than likely your 'straw'!

Needadvice5 · 23/05/2014 09:34

Hope you're ok?

He sounds like an awful bully and I'm guessing that there are probably other issues in your relationship?

Original poster
nomorequotes · 23/05/2014 09:38

The only other issues in our relationship are around sex, he has decided he is 'terrible' at it and not done anything to change that. He has made out like I am 'unbelievable hard to please' because I don't always like it a certain way.

he is fine in other situations but we've done this so many times before, been over and over and over it and I can' do it again.

I've told him to move out, we are just arranging finances now.

Its over, I am too young to subject myself to a life of shit sex and misplaced trust. How can I trust him to go down on me again? How can I enjoy sex with a man who is unable to perform in the bedroom and behaves like that?

I am off for a bath now because I am still quite sore from where he was so forceful. Sorry if I don't reply for a while.

I told my mum that I was leaving him because sex was awful and she said that she thinks I am making a huge mistake and that she is sad for me. She doesn't think I will find better, basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
nomorequotes · 23/05/2014 09:55

He is now getting quite nasty.

OP posts:
Flexibilityiskey · 23/05/2014 09:57

OP this goes beyond bad sex. He is hurting you, and ignoring your feelings and opinions in the process. All this during what should be the most intimate and loving part of your relationship, where trust is crucial. Don't let anyone minimise it. You sound very strong, and level headed.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2014 10:01

Not every married couple has a wonderful sex life, some are no longer physically close but stay together because they make a good team. You say things in this area have always been poor and I don't get the impression that there's much interest on his part in improving matters or tenderness full stop.

In spite of this you have DCs? By him? The older they get the more they pick up on atmosphere between parents: respect and affection. If by 'clumsy' you mean he uses physical strength to bully and force you that's abuse. Have you been frightened nomorequotes?

I don't know what your financial situation is but for your sanity and physical safety it might be time to end the relationship. Maybe you were brought up to think no matter what, divorce is wrong, you made your bed so must lie in it. Or there is still stigma attached to a woman who leaves her H, or their DCs becoming part of a single parent family, etc. At present you are living a lie. Don't you deserve to be happy?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/05/2014 10:03

Your mum is so wrong...but I think you know that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2014 10:05

Sorry OP am slow at typing. Well from your DM's response it would seem you may have surprised her but please don't reconsider. You must do what's best for you.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 23/05/2014 10:06

Tondelayo I think I finally do realise that she is wrong.

I would rather be single than be dealing with this. He is now getting nasty about finances and telling me I wont be able to cope. Not even just insinuating, just telling me that.

OP posts:
Corygal · 23/05/2014 10:08

Some mothers have a nasty habit of telling you that all you should expect is rubbish treatment from men. They are wrong, and unhelpful, to put it mildly.

Well done for getting rid. He is appalling.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2014 10:11

I suggest you talk to Womens Aid so they can advise and give you support in planning what next tel 0808 2000 247

SolidGoldBrass · 23/05/2014 10:14

This isn't about him being 'clumsy' when it comes to sex, it's about him hurting you on purpose. Either he gets some kind of direct sexual gratification from causing you pain or it's about having power over you and putting you in your place.
Either way, as previous posters have said, get onto Women's Aid and get rid of this woman-hating shitbag.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 23/05/2014 10:15

Its not right though is it, to try and stretch someone like that... Am I wrong in feeling that was just not his liberty to take?

He doesn't get it at all and thinks that pointing out how much worse off I will be financially is the way to get me to change and want to be with him again.

I just don't anymore.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2014 10:20

I don't know how many partners you or he had prior to this relationship but you know you're not asking for the moon on a stick when requesting consideration let alone lubricarion or foreplay or gentleness don't you.

ThinkFirst · 23/05/2014 10:44

He's not 'clumsy', he's abusive, and not just sexually.

He has no rights to do whatever he wants to you. Being rough with you, jamming as many fingers in as he could, then continuing to have sex with you knowing all the while you were not enjoying it is terrible.

Has he been watching too many porn films and thinks this is what women enjoy?

He's telling you that's what he's always done to try and distract you from his behaviour and make it seem like you are the one with the problem. You are not, he is!

Original poster
nomorequotes · 23/05/2014 10:54

I think he has been watching too many porn films yes. He doesn't seem to understand that sex is about connecting with a person rather than just about orgasms and getting to where you're going quickly. I couldn't believe it when he was stood there saying 'This is what I've always done' when I know full well it isn't

I don't know why he dismissed my feeling like that and now he is suggesting that I don't have the capacity to look after my own children :(

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2014 11:04

He thinks he is cutting you down to size because you've had the temerity to resent being treated like an object.

Vivacia · 23/05/2014 11:08

Don't get side-tracked by the issue of sex. He could be just as "clumsy" or controlling in the kitchen, driving with you in the car etc.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 23/05/2014 11:18

Sex is the issue, everywhere else it is quite harmonious.

But I am 30 years old, I need to decide whether I want to spend the next 20 years having rubbish unfeeling and uncaring sex with this man or whether I would prefer to be alone.

I would prefer to be alone.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2014 11:21

Well you can show him that you do have the capacity.
Are they his children as well?
Contact CAB and get all the advice you can regarding finances and benefits.
You can do this and you know you can.
Your mum is wrong.

iK8 · 23/05/2014 11:25

You are doing the right thing. Your mother either doesn't understand the seriousness of what he has done to you (he has violated you) or she doesn't want to.

You will be ok, you really will.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 23/05/2014 11:29

I have done the calculator on CSA and know that he has to give me £180 a month at present, most of which I have to give back to him for bills to be honest! Which is fine, I am happy to pay my way and he took out a loan to pay for my car which I really need, so that is fine.

I will get tax credits and housing benefit, I work sixteen hours a week in a cabby office doing call center work and he will need to be with the children at those times. He can have the TV and the TalkTalk box because I never ever use them, He can have the Nintendo Wii and I will keep the stereo.

There is a whole bed here he can take, plenty of blankets to go around and so on. We will manage

OP posts:
ThinkFirst · 23/05/2014 11:30

As Donkeys said, he's 'putting you back in your place' because you had the gall to question his behaviour.

If he tells you that you are a wonderful mother you might actually think you can cope without him, so he tells you that you can't so you won't leave.

You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, respect and if you don't want him forcing his hand into you then you have the right to not accept that.

He's not going to admit that what he did was wrong, and that he went too far, so by telling you he's always done that he's absolving himself of any blame. He's placing the blame on you for 'changing' what you've previously found acceptable.

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