Am I right to feel so so angry about this?

[nomorequotes]

He thinks I am being over the top and should 'stop insulting him'

we have always had a dreadful sex life, really bad to be honest and I've just tried to move on and work with him to make it better.

Last night he went down on me and was really rough, it was really uncomfortable and then he tried to jam as many of his fingers as he could into me so I pushed him off and he had really quick sex with me despite knowing I wasn't enjoying it (I was quite shocked and sore to be honest) and then afterwards he said 'you didn't enjoy that' and I said that I didn't like what he did and missed it being sensual and treated sensitively and that was always my preferred way of getting ready for sex. He went mental, ran into the bathroom and then said he was going downstairs, I was sat up on the bed and obviously quite distressed and he just didn't care. I managed to engage him in conversation and he said that is always what he has done (but I am sure it isn't) and that usual I am fine with it and I asked him if he usually tried to jam as many fingers as he could into me and he said 'yeah' but I KNOW that isn't true and I don't want to be that for him :(

I am not some pseudo-porn girl and I don't want to feel like I can't trust him in bed.

This is the end of a long long line of situations where he has been 'clumsy' and hurt me and I can't say anything because he just reacts like a teenager and we have an awful sex life.

I think this is the end of my marriage, I just can't trust him anymore

you sound like you'll be fine.

but I don't think I would ever have found that acceptable. There have been times where it has become uncomfortable down there but I've never imagined that what he was doing was trying to 'stretch me out' or something :( Why would he want to do that?? Where does that come from?

I don't need five fingers stuffed inside me, that isn't what I have told him that I am comfortable with. The more I think about it the angrier I am and the more I remember him bringing me to uncomfortable orgasms and not being able to say anything to him because he just over reacts like he did last night.

Why did he think that was an okay thing to do? I don't understand what I have done to lead him to believe that is okay :( A few times I have asked him to be gentle with me but its like his default is really hard and sore he sort of attacked me with various body parts and then said that is what he has 'always done' I don't understand it.

I know one thing though, amidst all the confusion. I don't want that man touching me again. I would rather never be touched again and I think its going to be a long time before I trust a man again.

Not sure if you misunderstood, i wasn't saying you ever found it acceptable, just that he's lying that you did so he can 'justify' (to himself) that you have changed your boundaries, when in reality you haven't.

Don't try and blame yourself for this, you did nothing to lead him to believe that it's okay. Most likely he's acting out his porn fantasies and either believes that that's what women like, or most likely that he doesn't care that you don't like it. It's all about his own pleasure, he doesn't care about yours. Then to add insult to injury, when you (quite rightly) complain about his behaviour he has a temper tantrum and tries to place the blame on you.

I think you should report it as sexual assault and rape. You were not consenting and you do not have to endure that sort of treatment. Contact a rape crisis line. This is not about 'bad sex' but assault.

You haven't done anything.
He's done it. Please remember that.
It's not you (as they say) it's him!!
You now realise that and from your post, I think you'll be fine.
Get all the practicalities sorted out as quickly as you can and move on.

If he were a relatively new partner it could be some miscommunication but it would still be wrong to have hurt you or rush into 'quick sex' if by that you mean carrying on with intercourse when you were uncomfortable or not ready or unwilling.

As your H and long term partner there was no way he could pretend he was oblivious to your discomfort.

And an inexperienced partner might just possibly misread the situation but it sounds like he knew and just kept on regardless.

Donkey that is exactly what I said to him! How after 10 years can you NOT KNOW when I am enjoying what you are doing? I am pretty vocal when I am enjoying myself.

Also I said to him that the clitorus gets harder and engourged when it is stimulated and can usually take a bit more rough attention but mostly softly softly is the best way to go. He said that is 'news to him' and he hadn't noticed any change in anything. I asked him if honestly after 10 years he hadn't taken note of any aspect of female anatomy and he said no he obviously hadn't

Most of the time he just lent up against the door and said 'sorry Nomore' Sorry Nomore' repeating my name over and over again like that at every sentence that I said to him.

I was just trying to have an adult conversation with him on the premise that he actually didn't get that was quite sore and unenjoyable to me but he wasn't interested at all. Just kept spitting 'sorry' at me over and over again and then he just went and started watching television downstairs!

So I am upstairs with a sore vagina (it is still sore actually) looking up sex tips on the internet and he is sat downstairs not a care in the world looking at whatever is on the television! I don't get why I am not the one that is bad at sex (I can remember having jolly good, adventurous and connective sex before I got together with him) yet I am the one looking up tips on the internet to try and find a way to get through to him but the fact is he doesn't want to be got through to. He just wants to know what the mathematical equation is so he can do it as quickly as possible and thats that. I'm a bit more dynamic than that. Christ I am even more dynamic than that when I masturbate.

I am so upset by his behaviour and I can't trust him. I've just done a tax credit calculator and by their reckoning I will get £285 a week in tax credits (most goes to the nursery mind) and my whole £108 money in my pocket, my rent and council tax will be paid.

So actually sod his opinion that I 'wont be able to cope' without his money, i think we will be financially better off actually.

Grrr I am so angry.

It sounds like you have things well on track for ending this abusive relationship. Like others, as I read, my first response was that he assaulted you. I still feel that way, but it's your feeling that counts. Why are you looking up sex tips btw?

His behaviour leaning against the door and "apologising" like that was passive aggression to perfection. And no, of course he has never paid one iota of attention to what's actually going on with your body; a decent lover would be ashamed of that alone.

In any case, I will be relieved if this relationship is over and he leaves - or whatever it is you are planning.

Since he will tell you that birds don't sing and the sky is pink I think it safe to disregard any utterances of any kind that he flings your way

He is leaving, we are going to look at bedsits.

I just got through to tax credits, they won't let me make a change ahead of the change but it takes three weeks for them to change the system

what the hell am I supposed to do for 3 weeks??

I am going to have to tell them he has moved out this weekend and is sleeping on sofas until he finds a place and hope it doesn't take them more than 2 weeks to sort out.

Good luck - but do be prepared for further unpleasantness from this man. Abusive men up their game when they know that their partner is about to get rid of them. ANd he is an abusive man. He thinks you are something on the level of either a pet or a household appliance, and he will alternate between niceness and aggression to try to force you back into your role.

He is home now and seems to be okay with everything, not been any more nasty comments at any rate.

I am positive this can be a good thing for the whole family.

I have phoned tax credits

Need to go down to the council on Tuesday
Phone child benefit

and get him moved out.

Things are going okay, he is still being a bit of a shit about money, announcing that I will have so much more money than him so should pay for more than my share (basically) which I have sort of agreed to, currently I owe the nursery some money and am paying them off, which I am going to do without his assistance basically.

But he has a few bills I won't be adding to so that is good.

So had my first night at work tonight, which went really really well, they have assured me I will get 16 hours a week which is marvellous.

That is all I need really, 16 hours a week and my tax-credits

He has been 'too depressed' to house hunt apparently this evening but will be on it tomorrow. We have a day in the house tomorrow so I intend on cleaning the bathrooms and sorting out some stuff. I've told him he can take the big telly and the really really nice stereo that we bought together, I don't use either of them very much and I don't want him to feel like he has nothing.

He will be here a lot anyway, all the time while I am working and lots to see the kids, we've booked to go to LegoLand next week and he was querying whether we were still going, it cost 100! of course we are still going and I hope we can still all go to the zoo together and so on. he is bummed out at how little money he will have to live on and my financial situation has dramatically improved but I can't really do anything about that! He will only be paying out on us what CSA says he should. I really hope he doesn't mope about it.

Out of hours GP would be a good idea if you can, over the weekend so someone can look at and document any vulval injuries. For whatever reason, scratches/cuts there heal more quickly than in other bits of the body, so letting someone take a look - particularly given you were still in pain 12+ hours later is a good move.

You could also contact your local sexual assault referral centre - they're available at bank holidays/weekends, and doesn't necessarily involve reporting the incident to the police.

STI clinic isn't a bad idea either, but will need to wait for a few weeks for incubation (more vulnerable to infections if there is damage to the skin/tissue, so IMO, worth checking, even if you have no particular reason to suspect he was having sex with others).

Good news about work.

Not questioning your judgment and I appreciate you want to keep things as stable as possible for the DCs but these days out - are you sure he won't think you are sending mixed messages? Sorry but it can be setting yourself up for trouble if the lines get blurred.

We have always been quite clear about what sort of parents we want to be regardless of whether or not we are together as a couple. I still want us to do lots of family stuff, including family days in and family days out.

Anyway he's got no money right now so he needs to be here to eat etc!

Mum has offered to loan me the money to pay this premium for the insurance which is great, he was not happy about that.

He is actively looking for properties now.

Righty-ho. Glad he's looking for properties.

Um, if he's there babysitting a lot and coming round for meals, I am not too sure DWP will think you're separated enough to qualify for single person benefits. At the very least you'll have a problem proving it. Do watch out for that. Separation doesn't just mean not having sex any more, or even having your post sent to a different address...

Well yes that is an issue but won't be after we have settled in our new places.

He has to come and look after his own children while I am at work, otherwise I cannot work and we are all in the shit.

I think he will be in his own place Monday-Thursday and then he will come here so I can work (so I won't even be here) on Friday/Sat/Sun nights, we will go out together on weekends.

He will have no post sent to here, I will be able to prove I buy all food and pay all bills for this address. There is no reason why tax credits will think there is an issue there. Its nothing to do with the DWP because I work.

I am not going to let some bureaucratic nonsense stop my ex from seeing his children or allowing me to work. That is not beneficial to anyone and there is nothing in law that says he cannot come and spend plenty of time with his own children.

rent, council tax, water rates, electricity, food will all be paid by me.

All post will go to his address where he will stay the majority of the time.

I can't imagine we are the only people in the world who do that.

Feeling a lot less sore today which is pretty good.

he is actively house hunting and going to look at a room on Tuesday evening. Which would be perfect.

its all been said earlier on the thread but i'm fairly sure that he knew he was hurting you and either wanted to or didn't give a shit, either way thats unacceptable.

Even worse is the fact he is an emotional retard in not being able to discuss this in an adult manner. It leaves absolutely no scope for this matter to be resolved (how the hell have you put up with this for 10 years!!) Move on without regret.

I think him being emotionally unavailable to change this situation has probably been the biggest issue. If he was able to open himself up to criticisms (both positive and negative) then we would have learnt each other long ago. It annoys me because we have had conversations about pretty much every aspect of foreplay and I have told him that I like one or maybe two fingers if I am really horny. Why that has become him trying to shove his whole hand up me is beyond me.

I think he knew too, I think he knows that I have never consented to that and chose to do it anyway.

He will never come near me again.

I need to keep reading this thread and stay strong.

I am getting that feeling of dread like I am making a huge, huge mistake.