How do you know if you are compatible when your partner has Aspergers?

[GirlInASwirl]

I am in an aspergers/neuro-typical cross relationship. It can be really difficult. I am not sure if we are incompatible because our brains work differently or if we are just not suited to each other?

How do you know if you are compatible; if you have these challenges?

You're either compatible or you're not and it shouldn't matter why. If it's difficult, it's difficult and you'll find making allowances - however well intentioned - tends to end in disaster. Is this a recent relationship?

If you are incompatible because your brains work differently, then you are incompatible.

Why would knowing the reason why you are incompatible make any difference?

(I speak as someone who has literally never had a long term relationship with anyone who does not have a 1st in Computer Science, if you know what I mean - lots of autistic/AS traits but no diagnosis. The reason for this is because I am really compatible with people like that.)

Same as any other relationship really. Once you get to know the person, then it is the same whether NT or Asp.

It shouldn't be any different to any relationship.

If it's not working, you really need to end it.

I'm listening with interest to this thread; am in the same situation. It is a very different kind of relationship but but but .. actually problem one is the getting to know ...

Would also welcome comments from people in these type of relationships.

Its a very complicated and subtle thing to try and describe - but some of the innate traits that come with the syndrome do look like what you would see if your relationship is incompatible (e.g. being distant, not wanting to be touched, argumentativeness, rigid thinking, not accommodating others etc). He is often unaware that he is doing this/how he comes over. This is the nature of aspergers.

I could say - that the fact he comes over as this, that instantly makes us incompatible. Or I could say - that this is part of his condition and underneath he is actually very caring and lovely.

I am not sure where I sit really - and ultimately that raises questions of what I am happy to accept/whether the relationship can survive. Its not an easy decision.

GirlInASwirl - thank you for describing this situation so well ... *sigh

BF's intelligence is awesome, his charisma a tidal wave; but his unwavering "i'm always right because i'm logical and you aren't" is shutting down almost every conversation. I become the Listener while he Speaks.

Is this arrogance in the extreme or another trait of Aspergers? BF is very aware of his Aspergers but I'm beginning to have a sneaky feeling that he exploits it too. Then I feel guilty because that would be devious and I don't think he is ...

He is not anything 'underneath'. If he is caring and lovely, he is caring and lovely but doesn't express it the way you expect. He is not 'doing this', he is being himself.

If you can accept that he does not react to things or express things in the way you expect, and you think it is worth it do do so, then you are not incompatible.

Girl I am in a similar relationship and come telly get what you mean re compatibility and little signs.

I think that, even though it should Be the same than with any relationship, it actually isn't because you are living with someone who has a disability and that disability has some effect on the way you relate to each other.

I think that an AS/NT relationship can be taxing and draining. But also that it can be good albeit different to an NT/NT relationship. You will have to decide if you can live with some the 'symptoms' of AS, eg not being affectionate or not telling you that he loves you (well that's obvious. Why on earth would I live with you if I didn't live you?!?).

I personally found that the first few years have been very hard until I really got my head around all the AS and what it means. I've had to learn a different way to communicate and to relate with each other.
So even though it might have look like we were incompatible, the real problem was more of a communication issues, ie something you can work on and improve.

I do think you need to be happy to be pretty independent though. Especially on an emotional basis.

I could say - that the fact he comes over as this, that instantly makes us incompatible. Or I could say - that this is part of his condition and underneath he is actually very caring and lovely.

If you can't deal with his need for space, aversion to touch etc, then you are incompatible.

badtime agree with you about the fact that he is not able expressing himself the same way.

What is hard as a partner is 1- you have to learn a hell of a lot about AS to be able to understand why when DH is having a massive go at the dcs because they are fooling around it's not because he is mean (as his tone of voice would let you think) but because he can't physically stand the noise. And 2- you need to rewrite yourself not to expect some 'automatic' reactions (eg not to expect a hug after you've heard my gran had died. 'Well we all knew she was going to die. She had been on life support for 10 days already').

So it's not as easy as that and whether you can cope and adapt depends a lot on how well you can stand up on your feet and how much of a partnership you see a relationship to be.

ourye but what about the need for space when you have the need for support? Eg you are ill, can't get up. You need some help along the lines of a cup of tea and some toast. He comes back home and needs space.
What should go first? His need for leave and quiet because of the AS or your need for food and water?

Ime the need for space when things are all ok is an easy thing to give. A need for space that is so strong that it will come before your need for support/food is a totally different matter.

That's why I say you need to be happy to be very independent even within the relationship.

Tipsy That isn't innate! He is being arrogant and has Asperger's. Not because.
"BF is very aware of his Aspergers but I'm beginning to have a sneaky feeling that he exploits it too."
I work a lot with very HF cases and have distinct spectrum traits myself, and I have come across this with some boys/men. One, for example, used to pretend to have lower function with some people in quite a deliberate way and we caught him doing this and actually addressed it with him. It was teenage petulance! Another would be very rude to people (not part of his symptoms) when it suited him then say 'but I can't help it' when he could. Again we dealt with it in 1-1 sessions and he fully admitted it.
If they do this as teens... I suspect they can do this as adults (especially if it hasn't been challenged).

He is not anything 'underneath'. If he is caring and lovely, he is caring and lovely but doesn't express it the way you expect. He is not 'doing this', he is being himself.
Yes Badtime this! I don't like being touched, don't do facial expressions quite the same as most people and don't react to effusive loud voices the same as most people. Nothing to do with my thoughts and feelings.
Although I can also be a grade A bitch and express it in an unexpected way.

tip I think your bf is aware of the ASD. The dx to he finds all NT people illogical is probably a sign of AS.
But then deciding that it therefore means HE is right and everyone else is wrong might be a nice mix of SS and being a bit of a twat

Perhaps 'underneath' wasn't the best choice of word badtime. I was just trying to evoke that I see his caring side less often than the AS behaviour. It's like little 'rays of light' ocassionally bursting through.

I can accept generally that the way he reacts is different to me (I have been with him for four years - to answer your question Cogito).

I agree with you DaVinci - I have had to decide whether I can live with some of the traits. And let's not under-estimate this; some of them to many people would see as 'deal-breakers'.

But there are often times when I just get tired of trying to fill the gaps created by the condition - the peace-making, the putting my needs to one side, the extra mental effort to try to put communication together that will get results, the extra childcare etc.
And how stubborn and narrowly-focussed he gets in arguments sometimes drives me insane!

Having support in our local area would make dealing with the everyday challenges of our relationship a lot easier I think. I am trying to see what is on offer - which is virtually nil - arghhh! I just feel that I need support to deal with this - especially since I have depression myself.

DaVinci My DH's pet hate is:
Him: "I was really ill today. I had an asthma attack and my slipped disk slipped out."
Me: "Yeah. You have a slipped disk and asthma. Is your prescription up to date?"

Guilty as charged. :)

I am finding that my DH wAy to express his love is different. No big outburst of love, cuddles or buying me something nice just because he knows I would love it. But he will make me a cup of tea, clean my car and prepare dinner when I have clearly stated that I am shattered.

And YY about support or lack of it....

squizita you see with the example you give and mine with my gran, most people would think that the person with Ss is uncaring. It is very hard to change in your mind your 'model' and think 'oh this just the AS' when with DH to 'this guy is just awful and doesn't care about me at all' when with someone else.
For me it's a bit like learning a come telly different language and learning to switch from one to the other. Now if you had to do between English and let's say Russian, I bet that you would find it hard for a long time, maybe years.
It's the same with AS ime except that it has such an influence on how you then feel about the person that it might have destroyed the relationship before you gave learnt to do it with ease.

But then squizita - you admit that it only takes a 1-1 session to make the person realize what they are doing, that they must stop it - and that they can then stop, and do! Which to me, being optimistic, means all it takes is to make the person with AS v aware of what they think is ok, but really isn't...

YY DaVinci - small talk, social 'niceties', giving comfort/reassurance, communicative reciprocity can all be a challenge for someone with AS. And yes; just like learning a new language - your first thought is always in your own language and you then have to change that before it comes out of your mouth. I often find myself conflicted between saying what's really on my mind and what would get the best from the situation.

I think the 'underneath' is the key, but it is how they are when you explain that what they did was hurtful. Do they shrug it off as 'how they are' or do they care enough to be upset that they have hurt you?

Do they express how they care in other ways?

They may have a disability, but its not an excuse to be aggressive or nasty, just as with any other disability.

Understanding and acknowledging the differences does need to go both ways - as much as you may not understand how he can react in certain ways and have to compensate for that, he IS capable of understanding that your thoughts/beliefs are different too, however alien that way of thinking might be for him. For a relationship to work it does need to go both ways, and he needs to be willing to put in work to try to get it as much as you do. He needs to trust you that what you say/need is important to you and for that fact alone he can try to work towards it.

As squizita says - people with AS CAN learn and can adapt behaviour. Its not carte blanche to behave like a self centred twat.

Yep from my perspective, I want to make sure DH isn't ill (so he feels better!) so it's important to make sure he takes his medicine. Instinctively I don't go to say things (that are often learned phrases) like "oh dear" or "there there" because they won't help him.
As I've mentioned I don't have massive traits (Weirdly in large social/work groups, I find it easier because the 'conventions' are more general and easy to learn, it hardly shows) and I try to remember that he likes it if I say things like that, try to make eye contact and stuff. So I do try to do this but it just isn't my natural instinct IYSWIM?

One of the challenges I face OJ is that my partner struggles with criticism, cannot imagine clearly (so coming up with new ways of doing things is difficult) and has low self- awareness. With this; how it is going to be easily possible to instigate behaviour change Squizita?

OJ I depends on the situation, whether it's a habit or 1 off etc'. That was just an example. :) One teenage boy (who crucially already knew what he was doing, and was manipulating people 'tiptoeing round' his apsergers to get away with it) doing something cheeky is very different from long term behaviours or habits, or people who do not realise.

Girl That's quite tricky as I don't have those traits myself and as I mentioned I have mild traits. Is there anyone else in his family or friends who has a strong relationship that you could ask for ideas.
Clear cause and effect is useful e.g. "when you do xyz, many people feel xyz about you, even if you're not like that. If you want a different reaction, here are some things you could try..." Like it's a solution thing not an innate criticism she says remembering from childhood when she couldn't work out why she got into fights so easily.