How do you know if you are compatible when your partner has Aspergers?

[GirlInASwirl]

I am in an aspergers/neuro-typical cross relationship. It can be really difficult. I am not sure if we are incompatible because our brains work differently or if we are just not suited to each other?

How do you know if you are compatible; if you have these challenges?

I have learnt that the best response I can get is hmm. And he has learnt to do as if he was sort if listening.
He still doesn't talk about work though so have no idea about who are his work colleagues or even what us job actually really consist off ('I know that it will be boring to you so I won't talk about it' and yes he likely to talk about very technical stuff and never about the random amusing things)

I find my DP variant in what he wants from his first hour of work. Like I wrote previously - he can just zone out. Another thing is that he tells me about all his problems from work (every small/random detail) of everything. This is fine when I am ready to listen. But also sometimes; I can be emotionally-overloaded myself and he doesn't recognise that and carries on regardless. I let him blurb for a bit; but sometimes I just have to tell him that I am not ready to listen right now because of XYZ. Usually this is followed with an argument because if he doesn't off-load when he needs to, he looses the detail that he so wanted to tell me.

squizita I love the way your DH can be blunt and ask you why you are not looking at him!
If I was doing that DH would get upset! He'll he got upset when I have saying he was looking sad (he was!) in part I think because he can't recognise his own emotions that well.

DaVinci for years before we were together he thought I was just 'ard and from London. Hence I scowled and looked too-cool-for-school all the time. ;)
Yeah, I tend to think I'm 'cross' when I'm tired/sad/worried/overwhelmed etc'.

I also think this could also be an NT thing to. For example: I may be hiding an emotion or conflicted. If someone told me 'You look sad'; I might think that was kind of intrusive and become angry/defensive.

Does it help people with AS if you try to pinpoint their feelings though?

DaVinci - yes recommendations from my spinal consultant may help with separation of housework discussion - hadn't thought of that. I am awaiting results of an MRI scan/to see if I need surgery so when the report comes through; that would be a good time.

Girl "you look sad" and "your face looks sad, are you upset or just looking like that?" are polar opposites though! One assumes/tells, the other is an enquiry seeking the accurate answer.

Yes I get that. I would always follow my guess up with a further question to verify if I'm right (old habit from being a counsellor).

Some NTs if you ask them the same questions though would assume that you are trying to' psycho-analyse' them and some people are put off by this. The effect would still be the same as described above.

This highlight some of the difference between communicating with AS/NT people I think?

I wanted to clarify that when I talked about having 'wrong' ways pointed at, I only had in mind unhelpful means of communication like sarcasm etc.
The man I'm seeing does a lot of things that are not typical and that I like and would not want him to change (such as not expecting me to have a turn in conversations, actually! I like that, I can dip in and out as I like), and also many things that I don't mind/I'm ok with. Being pedantic, and many things, I would not see as wrong...

But I can see he uses sarcasm and put downs on others - though not his boss, or me (but it's early days and we don't live together); I conclude that he kind of knows who he can do it with, even if it's not fully conscious; and I'm guessing that if I pointed out to him the consequences of acting like that with anyone at all (= which are that people he might care about are watching what he is doing and it might put them off), he might stop altogether. That's why I said people with AS can learn to stop doing some things when they're aware of consequences.

But I also know that his communication problems remain; I'm not on the receiving end of put downs but I get withdrawals and cryptic comments - and denials when I try to get to the bottom of things. I'm thinking that if I tell him right, he'll stop doing these too, but my feeling is that new unhelpful ways of communicating might just come up all the time, and that it might just all prove too much one day too.

OJ I would careful though about things like 'if I can say it right' type of comments.
Yes saying the 'right' way help with people with AS but it's more because it makes easier for them to understand rather them a pressure on us to say things right if that makes sense.

(...In fact I think I'd prefer a blunt reaction to withdrawal tbh... At least it's direct communication! I just can't get this man to tell me if he's ok or not.)
The other thing, DaVinci, about 'if things were as easy as learning about them' is that to me it's not easy to point things out in a way that's truly understood and not rejected or twisted. I agree that it's not just the matter of saying something once. And it depends what we're talking about... I had something specific in mind when I said 'all it takes is learning...' ... It's also what keeps me trying to explain things (again and again) to my DS with autism...

X- post with your last message... But I agree, yes, that's what I meant...

Children are different though. I see it as my role to teach them as much as I can, ex son do they are in the best position possible to live their lives independently and happily.

As an adult, I am expecting DH to take some responsibility to make things work. I am happy to make allowances, happy to learn a new way to communicate but I am also expecting him to put done effort into it too, wo me always being the one who 'teaches' again and again.
Especially because it puts me in the position of the 'one who knows best what to do' and I don't think it's always the case.

What I am finding hard is the 'out if the norms' issues. Like when I had PND and I was crying my eyes out saying I couldn't hear hearing dc1 crying, that it was like someone was putting a knife in my chest and twisting it. But he though that letting dc1 cry to sleep was the best thing to do and couldn't comprehend why I was upset with the idea.
Or when I told him I couldn't cope and was dreaming to out a pillow on dc face to stop the crying and he just looked at me with a blank face.

I know in both cases WHY he acted like this.
But at that time, I needed support. I couldn't do any teaching. I needed him to understand :(

We've both survived as well as dc1 but it does highlight how hard it can be and how the relationship you have cannot be built on the assumptions that you,as the NT, will be teaching your AS partner as a default position.

... I mean that the 'right' thing will be the one that makes him in particular realise something, I know it's not the universal right thing I do put pressure on myself to find the things to say that will make him realise things (as we all do I guess); I also know that a few years ago, when he hadn't yet had some bad experiences he has since had (....) he would have been a lot less open-minded about looking at his own behaviour; I'm very interested in how these changes happen, since they apply to him, DS, and me a bit too...

Ah, X-post again, sorry!

I see what you mean... I'm teaching my son and I'm only dating this man - You're talking about parenting together and needing understanding and support too, agree it must be hard.

I agree with DaVinci - there are particular challenges when it comes to co-parenting with AS. It is extra work for the NT parent in terms of explaining how the parenting relationship works and general peace-keeping.

Some things my partner struggles with..
1.) Understanding that parents often sacrifice what they want to look after their children
2.) How to give children feedback on behaviour/discipline whilst also being kind/loving
3.) Supporting me as a partner is part of being a good step-parent to my child and brings the best result for all
4.) Choosing the battles to have with my son - so that he is not constantly criticising him. That son can modify his own behaviour with a tiny hint/not a half hour lecture
5.) That childcare can sometimes be very difficult and emotionally tiring for me - not recognising when he needs to take over because I am overwhelmed
6.) That childcare still carries on whether you are tired/ill/depressed
7.) Scaling discipline to match the severity of the offence - he has a tendency to go super-harsh to 'really teach him a lesson' which can be cruel.
8.) That his actions to my son now will affect his later relationship - can't wait for the teenage years.
9.) See my son as 'mine' because he is not his biologically 'well he's your son!' when he needs time out
10.) Getting into arguments with my son that sound like two kids fighting - not realising that he does not need to take my son on his level . But can just say 'as your step-dad my decision is...because'

Saying that I do like the fact that my partner is trying to co-parent and has made some progress over the last four years. The two are now understanding each other better and my son talks of liking him.