How do you know if you are compatible when your partner has Aspergers?

[GirlInASwirl]

I am in an aspergers/neuro-typical cross relationship. It can be really difficult. I am not sure if we are incompatible because our brains work differently or if we are just not suited to each other?

How do you know if you are compatible; if you have these challenges?

Of course they can learn! But do you think that saying things just once will enough?

In the cases sqizita was talking about, the person with AS was doing something on purpose knowing that it wasn't on but hoping to get away with it on the ground of AS. Very different than someone who doesn't hear he is being harsh in his tone of voice. Or someone who can't read facial expressions and take what you say the wrong way.
It's so 'intrinsic' to the person that it takes a long long time for them to get it. If they ever do. Eg trying to ex main to DH that I like to do one thing a certain way, different than his, is a nightmare because 'of course this is better because if x and y'. In his very rational mind, why on earth would you even think about doing things in a different way?

So yes people with AS can learn. It can take a hell if a lot of time but they can.
And some of them like how to behave in society, being able to have a chat with someone you've invited for tea might never come.

Btw if things were as easy as just learning about them, no one would need a diagnosis of AS as an adult. Or need the disability act to protect them at work etc..,,

Sorry lots of xpost here!

girl what worked for me was
1- decide clearly what is important to me, essential and will have to happen compare to what would be nice and what I would really want but I know he can't do. So helping in the house and stepping down criticising with the dcs and me was a non negotiable thing. Receiving a cuddle when I am low is what I would really want but he can't do. And small talk is what I can live wo.
2- reduce stress levels as much as possible in the house. The more stressed he is, the worst it all gets.
3- learning about assertiveness and non violent communication. I had to learn to say things in a very calm way whilst giving the clear indication it us non negotiable.
4- explaining and explaining, sometimes using exames outside the house so he couldn't take it as a criticism. Also suing on my facial expression. I've been know to make a comment/criticism with a big smile on my face to carry the idea I wasn't upset/angry iyswim?

And very importantly learning to put myself first, looking after myself, ensuring I have some time to do the things I need. Eg a regular chat with friends to compensation fit the small talk at home, or lack of.

Out of interest - Squizita - are you in a relationship and do you consider to be compatible with your partner? If so; how. Would be interested in your perspective.

If I used the quote that you put in your last message - I am afraid that my partner would still see it as criticism (he is hyper-aware of being 'questioned'). He doesn't like to be 'told' anything. Like another poster - this can come across as arrogance at first - it's more fear of change I think.

What does work is if I ask him a question about his behaviour and how he thinks he comes across - or 'why do you think that would work?' for example. Also if I appeal to his sense of natural justice (which is off the scale) this seems to work.

I like that last post Da Vinci - it gives me an idea. I think my partner and I could do with sitting down and discussing the wants, non-negotiable and can live withouts. Probably more formally.

My partner's AS is also worse when he is stressed and horrible during arguments.

I am learning to be more assertive about my needs. You have to in these relationships.

The social one is a bit more of a challenge. I have a broken back at the moment and I'm housebound. I think the close proximity without an outlet increases the tension somewhat.

I think I am in a similar position to squizita, in that I have some mild traits (my partner has much stronger traits - can't make eye contact when he is tired or stressed, has to be prompted for a lot of 'normal' behaviour etc).

It would be entirely futile for someone to explain to me why something is 'wrong'. I will give you the example of what some would call 'pedantry'. There are some things that I come across as very pedantic about. I am usually very meticulous about language use, and my natural assumption is that everyone else is too. Why wouldn't you be? When someone else makes a mistake, I often try to help by telling them what it should be. This upsets a lot of people. I have gleaned that it is because people who correct others are 'smug'. Now, I am anything but smug. I am trying to be helpful, and I certainly do not think I am better than somebody else just because they didn't know something or made a mistake. Nobody knows everything and everybody makes mistakes.

So, I know that some people get upset when they have their error pointed out. Some people think I am trying to make them feel bad. Some people think I am smug. Fine.

I still explain the correct use of language to people. You could repeat the above to me until the heat death of the universe, and it would not make any difference. I still want to help. I suffer from anxiety. I have a horror of upsetting people. I still want to help.

And I don't have any diagnosible autistic disorder. I can't imagine what this would be like for someone who does.

I think that, to a certain extent, expecting someone who does have AS to behave as if they were neurotypical is like asking a wheelchair user to go for a walk. For some, it might be possible for a while, but it might not be advisable.

(I am sure Muphry's Law applies to this post)

Oh yes I can see how you being housebound and not being able to do all the things you normally do will make things much worse.
A nice mix of stress and worry, not knowing what he should do, and having to change his routine to fit your needs.
A lot to deal with on his pov

Sorry if I wasn't clear, I know nobody is really expecting someone with AS to act as if they are neurotypical, but I thought the idea that someone just needs to have things explained to them and they would start behaving in a different way is edging towards that.

Yes - we've been together 15 years, and knew each other before that. We are very different (DH is extremely charisma/emotion based) so disagreements don't come from the standpoint of "Squizita is not that affectionate", they are equally likely to be me saying "DH doesn't know how much money is in the building society account by heart, how reckless!". They tend to be issue based disagreements rather than incompatibility/emotional things. However DH is very good at 'reading' people and pretty blunt and will actually ask me outright "are you not looking at me because you're cross, or are you just not looking at people today?". Which helps.

Also i really think it depends on the extent of the traits. Mine are very focused and mild: I don't like as much affection as most people, I have more extreme 'principals' than most people, I get sensory overload and I prefer to live within a timetable. However once I realised as a child that these things were unusual, I adapted and learned and observed. As such I work in a caring profession quite happily etc'.
DH has commented if I were a Victorian man no-one would bat an eyelid.

My partner has explained similar ideas to you Bad. I should imagine that it would be just as hard for an NT person to copy AS traits as someone with AS to copy NT ones. We are just different.

My partner 'corrects' my language all the time - which is interesting as I have two English degrees and I am very aware of my word choices. But my choice of words doesn't often make sense to him because it does not often match his thinking. We have a lot of discussions about words - and in particular creative/imaginative use of words in our house.

My partner has also talked about anxieties about communication. Particularly when it comes to democratic/diplomatic meetings etc. He struggles with imagining how people will react to what he says or choosing the best words to help people to cooperate with him. He does not want to upset others either as he finds it difficult to right the situation when he does.

Victorian Man

I think that, to a certain extent, expecting someone who does have AS to behave as if they were neurotypical is like asking a wheelchair user to go for a walk.

However equally no one would tell someone who walks with a stick they aught to use a wheelchair. Yet with invisible disabilities this is sometimes the case. I have been told, as a teen, certain things weren't for me and never would be:
-a social life
-Creative or caring work
etc'
This turned out, for me to be utter nonsense. For me it is like speaking another language at times, but is OK and has been almost all of my adult life. In terms of social life, I enjoy going to the pub and I am happy to do all the conventions that people do as it makes my friends want to go to the pub with me and adds to my enjoyment. If I felt too rough/tired to have the energy to go to the pub 'properly', I might not go at all.

DH probably sees me at my least 'switched on' when I am tired and stressed - so gets the brunt of it.

I usually try to speak very plainly and clearly in any situation where I don't know people, and use language in a very quirky way when I know the people and, more importantly, they know me. My natural tendency is to sound like a beat poem (except, you know, less sexist and with more consistent punctuation).

Oh, and I have an English degree and a postgrad in Drama. :) It all makes perfect sense to me: if you put the words and facial expressions in the right order, it makes something that looks just like real life but isn't. I am particularly good as author's intentions... but I don't get the whole "I think my book is real" thing, to me the more realistic, the cleverer the author IYSWIM.

Tell that to the 80s Ed Psych who said "girls don't have spectrum traits" and "if you have spectrum traits you can't be creative".

Nothing I've ever made has been noodly or self indulgent either... wouldn't appeal to me in the slightest. Give me some realism or some political stuff ta very much.

Squizita, I didn't mean that someone can't do certain things; I specifically meant that asking someone to do something that they are prevented from doing by a disability is not appropriate.

Assuming that someone can't do something without giving them a chance is also bad.

DaVinci - wish there had been more of a change to his routine. I still do all the housework and childcare with a broken back! We had a conversation about this the other night and he had genuinely not even considered that routine needed to change to reflect my condition. We went right down to basics on 'what can a person with back pain do easily', 'what might they struggle with', 'would it be right to let them do....whilst an able-bodied person sits on the sofa?'

I'm agreeing with you, DaVinci, I think. DH and I are both pretty borderline, with different strengths so, after we've each had a difficult day, we're both quite happy to sit in silent companionship, once the boys are in bed. It suits us. If I had a need for any more than a cursory dissection of the day's events, the fact that DH often needs to retreat into his own mental cave when he's tired, after a day at work and an evening with the kids (both have ASD and can be very draining to deal with) would drive me up the wall and I would feel very lonely within the relationship. The fact that I understand him on a level deeper than just words and that I have similar needs, sometimes and that I know what I need to explain to him if I do feel a need for a bit more active support with something means that it works for us.

Sorry, I wrote 'expecting' - I accept that this wasn't clear.

badtime "(I speak as someone who has literally never had a long term relationship with anyone who does not have a 1st in Computer Science, if you know what I mean - lots of autistic/AS traits but no diagnosis. The reason for this is because I am really compatible with people like that.)"

i only got a third, can i still be your friend?

oo that post to DaVinci (sorry for butting in - hit a chord with me) ouryve. I have recently had an argument with my partner about how he just 'zones out' with his computer once he comes in from work. I do get very lonely and frustrated when he lets us 'circulate' around him.

What your post tells me is that a.) he may be collecting himself after the strains of working with a lot of people during the day and b.) my needs for conversation with my partner during the evening are pronounced at the moment with my being at home all day. I can take this forward to re-address our previous conversation - so thanks.

I have friends with all sorts of academic backgrounds - the more the merrier (within reason)

I got a 2.2 in Politics, and it's not like I even go looking for them (although I did once go out with a chap a few times, and I got really confused when he didn't mention coding until the 3rd date ).

Do you find it easier to talk to people/be compatible with someone who shares a key interest of yours Bad? What if they find academic stuff really boring - what do you do then?

Girl yes I don't like to talk to other people after a long day at work, it feels like my brain is full and worn out. I need a quick time out. We refer to this as 'getting yourself comfortable'. DH loves to tell me everything about his job but it has become apparent over the years he will be talking to a zombie if i don't get 30 min in a quiet room to sit and stare at a wall or pinterest. Then he can tell me loads of random stuff amusing anecdotes about work.

Yes My experience is that you will have to examine to him that he needs to do more if the childcare etc...
The problem being that once he came back from work, DH struggled to deal with the dcs when they were little. So more stress and more AS characteristics coming out.
Sometimes I had to not do things and say 'I can't do that because...' And stick to it. I think that, when I was saying I can't go X but still doing it despite bad back/tiredness then DH assumed I couldn't have been that bad.
A few word from consultant such as 'girl can't be doing the washing up and dealing with the washing as it's too heavy for her. She also can't stand for more than 10mins at the time. ' helps because it's not coming from me but from an 'expert'.

I have other interests too. I am terrible at smalltalk, though, so it is helpful if there is some interest in common.

btw, my partner gets very distressed if he can't go on his computer or out to the garage for 15 minutes after he gets in from work, to compose himself. Longer if he has had a bad day or a bad journey.