how do people stay in a loving relationship for 50+ years ?

[nocturnal123]

I heard it is a about compromise ?

My friend said her parents 50 years married used to tell her' the secret of a happy marriage is that neither of you wants to get divorced at the same time'

My in laws were married for over fifty years. What i observed worked for them was companionship, shared and separate interests, an involvement in the local community, seeing their children and grandchildren regularly, shared memories, having a laugh and caring for each other, he'd dig the garden so she could plant her favourite flowers, she'd cook his favourite meals. I never saw any passion between them but a deep and enduring love. Sure they bickered but they talked a lot and resolved things. I miss them both.

I've been with DH 30 years I think it's about picking the right man to start with.

happy, you are spot on. My parents have their 56th this year and are pretty much where your in-laws were.

I know lots of people who have done it- I aim to. I would say it is like happystory explains. My great uncle and aunt were still holding hands when over 90yrs.

My parents have been married over 50 years and I would exactly repeat what happy says - they have always led busy, active lives, lots of involvement with the community, huge circle of friends - even in their 80s they are not co-dependent on each other (good health obviously helps a lot). They do bicker and argue and obviously drive each other mad but clearly have a huge commitment to each other and lots of shared memories.

I do think compromise is an important part of any relationship - my DH and I have been married over 25 years now and yes, we both do accept we have to compromise on quite a few things or agree to differ and do things separately .

If you marry the right person in the first place, you grow together , you have give and take, make time for each other and have a sense of humour- I can't see why you would want to change. My children have all left home and it is wonderful to have time alone to do things- it is why it is important to remain close, get babysitters, let them stay with grandparents etc when they are young- it goes very quickly when you look back and you have, hopefully, decades left.

My parents have been together 53 years, they are close but don't live in each other's pockets, they each have interests away from each other but also share time. They've been married since they were 17 and 19 too, so a teenage marriage success story.

I find it pretty easy to be married really. My gps married at 18, my parents at 20, dh and I at 19 and 20. You just marry your best friend

My parents have been together 50 years, married for 46 and started dating when they were 15

They each have friends but describe each other as their best friend

They bicker like hell, apparently always have but we didn't see it as children, but the bickering is good natured and they don't row they discuss

They also compromise -for years they didn't travel because one didn't like boats and the other planes and they each respected the other's fear and made it work for them by travelling all over the uk -we had some fantastic adventures by car and train

It is about compromise but its also about mutual respect

I'll tell you in 30 years.

Going by my parents, who married quite late for their generation (late twenties), and have been together nearly 60y, it's about talking, planning together so that your dreams are aligned, compromise - willing compromise, not always from one side, and not always reluctant - acceptance of each other's imperfections, spontaneity, romance, and good sex. DM says that good sex is the glue that helps get them through rough patches.

My parents have a huge circle of friends, some have been friends almost all their lives, and they add friends easily. Yet they have never said that friendships have been an important part of their marriage.

I've been with DH 30 years I think it's about picking the right man to start with.

Snap sonlypuppyfat.

And compromise and being able to say sorry and not being too stubborn.

I have been with my partner for 22 years. I think it is about picking the right person at the start. And not ignoring any warning signs early on.

As my mother advised me, don't marry anyone who you think - if only they didn't do this, about.

Of course no one is perfect. But faults should be ones that you don't see as important at all. For example, my partner is very quiet when socialising with new people. I don't care, but some people might find it annoying.

My grandparents were married for 66 years until my grandad died. I couldn't tell you what their secret was. I think, like many couples of that generation the women were more willing to put up with a lot of stuff that maybe, would cause them to walk nowadays. They did spend an awful lot of their retirement travelling, months at a time in fact, so maybe that helped.

My parents have been together for 45 years. I do remember arguments when we were little but they don't row anymore. They're retired and spend every day together, have travelled the world since retorting and enjoy looking after the grand children together. They've had their stresses, 5 children, a miscarriage, aging parents, death of parents, unemployment etc etc. I think their secret is that they always wanted to be together. They respected each other and wanted to please the other more than themselves. They also made a promise to each other that the children wouldn't come in between them- they've been totally devoted to us and given so much of themselves but its never been to the detriment to their marriage. Amazing. I tell them every year in their anniversary card how totally amazing I think they are as a couple. Inspirational.

Picking the right person and starting with no doubts
Compromise
Growing together through the good times and the tough times
Respecting each other's weaknesses as well as strengths
Being confident enough in each other to give the other a bit of independence
Living lives where each person's contribution is valued
And lastly being faithful and loyal to each other

Almost 24 years so nearly half way there and I can say that I love my DH more as the years go by.

We married at 19 and 22 and have been married for 45 years. I think the most fundamental things are friendship, shared interests, attitudes and values and always having things to talk about. We have always bickered but had very few serious arguments. We have both had full careers, supported each other when one or other has had the more demanding phase in the job and shared all household tasks, child-rearing and finance management. This has been a principle as well as something that we like doing. I probably spend more time with friends than OH who is happy with his own company and not particularly sociable.
We have retired to France and spend our time tending our large organic garden, visiting the children and grandchildren, enjoying books, music and films. I think we were lucky to find each other, but we have sometimes compromised on what we might have done individually for the sake of the other one. (OH was offered a dream job in Paris when my career was taking off, so he turned it down).

Interesting how often growing vegetables seems to be a factor here.
An ability to get stuck into mucky jobs?
Deferred gratification and a predisposition to take the long-term view?
The ability to start again after the slugs of life have eaten the green shoots of hope?
The triumph of hope over experience?

I think it's a lot to do with realistic expectations TBH. It's very unlikely that life will be "perfect" for 50 years but if you know that and recognise that there will be bad patches and both commit to getting though them, they will pass. Also accepting that if life's OK most of the time, with some great and some bad spells then that's good enough. I think people often give up too soon. A lot of truth in 'the secret of a happy marriage is that neither of you wants to get divorced at the same time'

You never know what goes on in other people's relationships. All the people holding up examples of long relationships enjoyed by their parent/in-laws don't have a clue really what it was like and thinking it's possible to be like the public face of some "perfect" relationships is unrealistic.

Plus all the stuff about compromising, communicating, shared and separate interests. It helps if they're both basically nice decent people too

I actually disagree with what you are implying marathon. I think too many people put up with stuff in their relationship, that they shouldn't.

I agree with Marathon in that so many people give up so quickly when the slightest thing goes wrong (and yes, I put myself in this category as my first marriage broke up for very trivial reasons - my second has lasted over 25 years ). I have a few friends who are constantly seeking absolute perfection in their relationship - one is now just about to leave her third marriage .

I have always accepted that (barring abuse) - my happiness is my issue, I need to have interests, hobbies, friends etc that I enjoy - I should not rely on someone else to 'make me happy'.

Interestingly my mother (82) has just phoned me in an absolute rage about something my DF (86) has done, so they certainly do have serious rows .

My GPs were married for 70 years and what they used to do was retell stories of their life - together. Do you remember the time when? etc They were funny stories too, when both of them told them. Both of them chipped in and reiterated their feelings about the other during the story. "I loved her so much," or "she looked so beautiful," or "he was so brave." Cliches, yes, and idealistic, yes, but it worked to keep a sense o their union alive right up until the point they died.

Well either being lucky enough to find the right person or being prepared to put up with being unhappy.

My parents have been married nearly 40 years but it's not a marriage I'd like. They don't row or anything but I definitely believe at least 50% of the people in that marriage would have been happier out of it.

I don't think splitting up for trivial reasons is a bad thing at all. If you're not happy, then get out (obviously having children complicates this). Staying together at all, or even any, cost is pointless. You don't get a prize for putting up with someone or being unhappy just because you did it for a long time.

I got married with the intention of being together as long as it suited us, which at the time I presumed would be forever. But some things you can work through and some you can't.

My parents and grandparents don't approve of divorce but I believe that's cost (some of) them happiness. Still, they get to be smug martyrs (they love that) so I guess they're ok