Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

how do people stay in a loving relationship for 50+ years ?

59 replies

nocturnal123 · 21/05/2014 06:55

I heard it is a about compromise ?

OP posts:

Soozart · 21/05/2014 20:53

I think passion keeps you together, you can forgive each other's 'foibles' because nothing is more important than the passion that binds you.

boddtm · 21/05/2014 21:05

Earplugs and wine :)

Ragwort · 21/05/2014 21:09

Soozart - not sure I agree with you, I've been married over 25 years and the passion died out a long time ago .

Joysmum · 21/05/2014 21:15

It's about wanting the make the other person happy. If you both want to do that then you never take the other for granted and don't get stuck in a rut or bored.

HappyDogRedDogToss · 21/05/2014 21:28

My grandmother would boast of being married for 60 years - "not to the same man, mind" was her secret to success.

See, my parents have been married for 45 years but in abject misery She despises him but is dependent on him. She has no outside interests except collecting hospital appointments for him to take her too. I have no idea what he gets out of it - after one of their many bust ups he said he just didn't want to sell the house.

So longevity doesn't necessarily equate to happiness - sometimes it's apathy

tilliebob · 21/05/2014 22:07

I've been with DH nearly 30 years although only married for 21. I have no idea, tbh. Picked a good 'un at the start and we grew up together, growing closer rather than apart. We also we almost 30 (together almost 15 years by then) before starting a family. If I'd chucked in school and married wayyy young and become an RAF wife as I intended at one point, I doubt we'd have lasted thanks dad for the unwanted advice at the time

My grandparents were married 70 years and my parents almost 50, so I guess picking well was in my genes

tilliebob · 21/05/2014 22:09

*my parents are almost 50 years married, they are both still alive and kicking - that reads like they've both dropped off the perch!

Bogeyface · 21/05/2014 22:13

Honestly? Viewing the last 30 years of a 64 year marriage at first hand I would say that one knuckles under to the other. And that social norms for the vast majority of their marriage meant that divorce was not an option. I think that eventually they were devoted but it took alot of sacrifice on one partners part to get there.

I am obviously talking about people who would be in their late 80's now if they were still alive, so things were different then. But I know that my grandmother was conditioned to accept my grandfather as the boss, and because he was very bossy and opinionated (as was she) it made it hard for her to be herself and in the end she wasnt.

Bogeyface · 21/05/2014 22:17

Well either being lucky enough to find the right person or being prepared to put up with being unhappy.

My grandma did the unhappy thing, at least at first. She took solace in her children and grandchildren when it became clear that her feelings and values were not considered in any way important. My grandfather did adore her, I know he did, he told me so, but they were borne from a different generation with different beliefs and she was the 50's wife (well 30's actually bykwim).

joanofarchitrave · 21/05/2014 22:21

I've only done ten years so far but sometimes it's just that you decide to stay married, that staying is important for whatever reason.

I also think the storytelling is important. We both tell stories about how we met etc, and although I might privately have disagreed with some details of how dh saw things early on, by now I've forgotten that and remember the story more clearly than whatever the 'reality' was

KouignAmann · 21/05/2014 23:15

My lovely DPs have been married 55 years and DF says the secret is to do everything you can to make the other person happy and hope they do the same for you. It works for them!

Joysmum · 21/05/2014 23:27

My lovely DPs have been married 55 years and DF says the secret is to do everything you can to make the other person happy and hope they do the same for you. It works for them!

Glad to see somebody else taking this attitude.

toyoungtodie · 21/05/2014 23:30

I have been married for over 42 years. As it was a beautiful day today we were sat outside in the garden in the sunshine having tea. I asked my DH if he was happy and he said 'yes' . He then asked me if I was and I said 'yes'. I felt really happy today.
I can't say why we have remained married for such a long time though, or what 'the secret is'. I do like him and respect him a great deal and I don't like him being annoyed with me. I like to do things to make him happy and visa versa. Although he never sulks or is moody. We have interesting talks about things.
We are not particularly alike and do not have a great deal in common. I think part of it is just luck as we were too young when we got married to know what the hell we were doing. Our relationship has gone up and down over the years. Sometimes I am passionately in love with him and other times I have felt quite cold towards him. Weird isn't it. I will live with him now until the end of our lives and that thought is comforting. He is undoubtably my best friend.

mjmooseface · 21/05/2014 23:48

Lol at EmilyAlice I think perhaps there is a link with a love of gardening and long term marriages! :P

BackforGood · 22/05/2014 00:02

I agree with MarathonFan.
I disagree with Bogeyface - or at least would say that's too much of a generalisation. Certainly not the case in my parents marriage.

I do think there's obviously a major help in marrying the right man in the first place, but I also think an acceptance that no-one is perfect, that no-one is likely to hold the same opinions as you all the time, and a willingness to accept that there will be compromises, and times when you have to work at your relationship is essential.
No, of course there are things you shouldn't put up with, but you see people piling into MN threads all the time advising people to leave their dh/dp or calling him 'controlling' over the slightest thing, rather than offering constructive advice about the situation the op has asked about.

steppemum · 22/05/2014 00:12

well, I have had good examples to follow, grandparents and parents have both reached their golden weddings.

I think friendship is very important. If you marry someone who is your best friend, then you tend to treat them like a friend, love, respect, laughing together, shared interests and all the other things people have mentioned.

But I do think that deciding that you will stay married is also key. When we have a row, for me the option to leave is not an option I am prepared to take, so the only other option is to resolve it, which is where the compromise comes in.
I am not advocating staying in a bad relationship, but rather that I have chosen to make this one work. Mostly it is good, and not difficult, but we have had patches when it is dull or we are not getting on well, or we just don't like each other much. To me, that doesn't mean the marriage is over, it means it is time to touch base with each other and sort out what is getting between us. I suspect that many people give up at that point.

Mind you, I have a lovely man which helps - 15 years this year.

soundevenfruity · 22/05/2014 00:15

I've read an interesting piece of research recently which stated that the only significant factor in couples staying together was husband's good character (not wife's, surprisingly). So by the look of it, it's about choosing the right man.

80sMum · 22/05/2014 00:22

It's a lot to do with a few old-fashioned values, words that we don't hear too often nowadays:
Commitment
Loyalty
Integrity
Duty
Sacrifice
Tenacity
Perseverance
Determination

You make a decision, a commitment to stay with someone for life come what may - then you just get on with the business of doing it. It's that simple.

steppemum · 22/05/2014 00:33

bogey face-
my grandfather was born in 1899. They were married for 60 years. In some ways they were old fashioned, he couldn't boil an egg (mind you he couldn't change a light bulb either, he was the least practical person I have ever met) she was a SAHM.

I watched their marriage through its last 30 years, and they did not conform to your model of one sacrificing themselves. My grandmother certainly didn't cowtow to my grandfather as 'the boss' There was too much mutual respect for that. They were a good team, and they are a lot older than yours. In fact my parents are in their early 70s and they are children of the 60's. No 50's wives for them.

steppemum · 22/05/2014 00:36

sound - I can believe that about the husbands character being key. Of the marriages I see, the good ones have good men and the bad ones have crap men. I am not sure why.

IWillIfHeWill · 22/05/2014 00:47

Daughter says that marriages work if the woman really fancies the man.

Arky · 22/05/2014 00:50

I was determined to only marry one person, I didn't ever want a divorce and I made sure, as much as you can, that the bloke I moved in with when I was 18 was long term husband material. I must have been a good judge of character...

I have now been living with my DH for over thirty years. We don't have a perfect relationship but we are very happy together. I think it's because we respect each other and are nice to each other. (Sounds obvious) My. DH is extremely intellectual and I am most definitely not but neither of us see myself as any less valuable. IYSWIM . I bring other qualities to the relationship.

We operate as a unit unlike a lot of couples who seem like they are in competition with one another. We don't act like parents to one another either. We don't nag each other or try to control each other. I do my stuff and he does his stuff. In some ways toyoungtodie s post rang true with me, my DH and I don't have loads of similar interests and we are quite different in a lot of respects but it doesn't seem to matter. He makes laugh and we always seem to have lots to chat about.

We do argue occasionally and I think it was hard when all the kids were little. We are not mean to each other. I can't think of one 'hurtful' thing that my DH has said to me. Basically, he is a really decent, hard working, honest and loving man.

( I think sex is extremely important too. )

Simplesusan · 22/05/2014 05:30

Interesting that it is about the man's characteristics, I think I agree with this.

Staying together does not equate to happiness. I can think of many elderly couples, some of them now deceased, and sadly in every case there was violence on behalf if the man. They stayed married though, but what a terrible role model and awful existence.

Whatever makes you happy I think is the key.

JacktheLab · 22/05/2014 07:00

This is such an interesting discussion :)

My grandparents were married for over 50 years, they had a good relationship, I only once saw them argue, over driving directions!!

My grandmother was generally the boss of him, but they were such a good team together it was a good example which I have tried to follow in my own relationship.

Gardening was a big thing in that relationship, Granny did the flowers and Grandpa the veg, so doing something together but apart in a way!

My parents have been married for 40 years next year, thats a very different relationship and has been hard for them sometimes, but they work hard at staying together and seem to be a lot happier now than they were fifteen years ago.

Ragwort · 22/05/2014 07:42

I think acknowledging and recognising your own faults is important too - so many threads on here are full of complaints about the DH but surely we have faults & weaknesses too. I am well aware that there are parts of me that DH is disappointed in - as I am with him but it is important to know that none of us is perfect. I would love my DH to give an honest appraisal of our marriage .

None of us is perfect and it is finding the level of compatibility that you are happy with.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread