Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he stay?

58 replies

xx51xx · 20/05/2014 12:40

Married 20+yrs, mostly volatile. I've always felt I couldn't leave because family would say 'told you so' (married in haste) & I hated the thought of shared custody.

Kids are doing exams in the next few yrs so don't want to leave and be the 'baddie'.

We spend very little time together, but any we do is instigated by me. Sometimes I like him sometimes I hate him ( am governed by hormones)
Sporadic sex - partly a control thing by me as he controls finances. Bad of ne, I know.
He's given up instigating sex now after years of rebuttal.

I know we'll probably split after kids in uni but why does he stay?

He says (when I ask) that he doesn't want to be with anyone else, yet I'm not particularly nice to him sometimes so not sure why he diesn't clear off?

I do all housework/kids arrangements, so naybe he's happy to live like this?

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 20/05/2014 13:07

Same reasons as you
Devil you know
Can't be arsed with relationships
Sporadic sex
Loss of confidence

Most likely all of them

AnyFucker · 20/05/2014 13:09

I would add some more to that list...

Unpaid housekeeper
You organise everything for his kids
Too lazy to take the initiative
Possibly get his sexual/romantic needs met elsewhere

AMumInScotland · 20/05/2014 13:12

Typically, men don't leave until they have a better offer on the horizon. There will be some who decide being single is better than being stuck. But mostly, sharing a house with someone who does the housework looks better than moving out into some dump of a bedsit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2014 13:15

Why does he stay - well he has all his creature comforts, has you doing everything within the home and has too an acquiescent, browbeaten and downtrodden wife. He gets what he wants out of this but you?.

Can you really envisage living like this for the next few years?.

Do you really think that such a man once you are separated from him would actually show much interest in maintaining a relationship with his children?. Someone has got to be the grown up here and end this sham for your sake as well as your childrens. Not doing anything now is not an option because its not just you who is being affected by all this.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to show your children, that this loveless and mostly volatile marriage is their "norm" for them to potentially emulate in their own adult relationships ie this is how adults in relationships actually behave?. You cannot burden a child with a choice that you made and you cannot use them as the glue to bind you and your H together.

Do you not think your children see and hear what goes on within their home; they pick up on all the vibes and you cannot even begin to protect them from his hatred of you. They already see how little time you actually spend together.

Your children are likely all too aware of what their dad is like and perhaps wonder of you why on earth you put up with him. They are not going to take kindly to being told, "well I stayed for you". In reply they will call you daft for doing so.

arsenaltilidie · 20/05/2014 13:27

So OP is hot and cold with him.

Housekeeping is not one of his priorities, so it's not considered in the decision to stay.
Whether he is in the house or not she'd still organise the kids, and aren't they teenagers.
Loss of confidence hence 'laziness'
I doubt there is someone new because he'd have left.

Original poster
xx51xx · 20/05/2014 13:31

He is devoted to the DC. Most of the discipline has fallen to me, hence I'm the 'nag' checking they've done homework, had a shower, tidied their rooms etc whilst he is benevolent Dad. Thanks DH Angry

They'd choose him over me everytime, I know it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2014 13:35

How can you know that they would choose you over him every time?. That is just pure supposition on your part.

They are likely to be not so much devoted to him so much as frightened of him. They are also learning like you to be very responsible and acquiescent. Some Disney Dad he is.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you?.

Original poster
xx51xx · 20/05/2014 13:36

He comes across as Mr Nice Guy in public. And he is to all intents and purposes; doesn't drink, earns well and provides for his family. Is charming and educated.

But it all has to be done HIS way, or he drags his feet and diy doesn't get done etc.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 20/05/2014 13:38

staying just to avoid someone saying I told you so is cutting your nose of to spite your face in a massive way!

Why don't you leave then?

Original poster
xx51xx · 20/05/2014 13:41

Attila, they are devoted - they have lots in common hobbies wise.

I'm not saying they don't love me, I'm sure they do, they are both kind thoughtful kids but life at his place would be more laid back. No housework would be done, so they'd love not having jobs to do!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2014 13:42

Oh yes, such abusive men are and can be very plausible to those in the outside world (and again the nice act cannot be maintained for very long). Its only behind closed doors that the mask properly slips. I can imagine your man is abusive in other ways as well, perhaps financial (denying you ready access to funds, being secretive with money).

He has you where he wants you and that is also why he stays.

But what about you though, you do matter despite what he says and does and can you really put up with this for many more years till the children leave home?. No you cannot, realistically speaking.

AMumInScotland · 20/05/2014 13:44

Actually, many children don't 'prefer' the benevolent parent at all, they prefer consistency and clear boundaries even if they moan about them.

Anyway, you say they'll be doing exams 'in a few years' - honestly, wouldn't it be better to get your/their homelife sorted out ahead of that, rather than making some vague statements about probably splitting while they're at uni? TBH I doubt they'd thank you for shaking up the home and marriage at that stage, and they won't thank you for staying in a marriage that isn't working, just 'for them'.

If it isn't working, and you can't see a way to make it work in the future, then there is a clear case for cutting your losses and separating. If you think it is salvageable, fight for it. If not, don't just keep hanging in there for no reason.

Original poster
xx51xx · 20/05/2014 13:44

Qiitelikely, I will once the kids are in uni and not living at home.

Somehow, the thought of splitting then doesn't bother me as much as it would now.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2014 13:48

"Attila, they are devoted - they have lots in common hobbies wise".

Ahh, the archetypical Disney Dad. But they're all perhaps mainly things that he likes. When push comes to shove he will shove off, such men only put themselves first.

"I'm not saying they don't love me, I'm sure they do, they are both kind thoughtful kids but life at his place would be more laid back. No housework would be done, so they'd love not having jobs to do!"

How old are your children, teens or younger?.

Is this also why you don't leave?. They could also end up living part of the week in an untidy and more relaxed home?. What is keeping you within this apart from fear of the unknown and your family putting their noses in. There is really no good reason for your H and yourself to now be together.

Original poster
xx51xx · 20/05/2014 13:51

Yes Attila, separate finances (was my choice initially) 20odd yrs later, he earns 3x what I do, received a reasonably large inheritance and has 10k in his current a/c as well as significant investments.

Me? I am short of money and a 2.5k overdraft.

OP posts:
Original poster
xx51xx · 20/05/2014 13:52

They are teens.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2014 13:54

"Somehow, the thought of splitting then doesn't bother me as much as it would now".

Now why is that?

I would strongly urge you to reconsider that thought of yours.

By doing that, you will then teach your children (by then older teens coming into adulthood) that their parents relationship throughout their childhood was based on a lie. They already see that Mum and Dad do not get on and perhaps even blame themselves for their dad's private war against you as their mother.

It will affect them badly and they will not thank you as their mother for doing that to them at that time because you at this stage are unable for your own reasons to break away. You could well even wreak your own relationship with them, they could well think far less of you for staying for so long - and for them as well. They could well call you selfish for doing that and their complaints would not be without foundation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2014 13:57

So he is also financially abusing you as well by denying you ready access to money. You struggle and bring the children up on not much more than a pittance.

As the saying goes, "mean with money, mean with love"

Would you be willing to talk to Womens Aid about all this on 0808 2000247?.

Original poster
xx51xx · 20/05/2014 14:00

Not an overdraft, a CC bill sorry. He knows about this, I have told him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2014 14:00

By the time your children get to Uni if they do go you will be completely and utterly destroyed as a person by this man so you will then feel completely unable to leave. Is that what you want for yourself really?.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2014 14:02

If you are married, then assets gained during the marriage will be divided (in the event of a divorce) on a fair basis...not on what is "his" and what is "yours"

Get some legal advice, I expect you are labouring under some rather false beliefs. Or listening to what he tells you...always a mistake, that one

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/05/2014 14:02

Get the fuck out of there!

While you are tied to a relationship that appears to not have much in it for you, you are not in a place to enjoy an independent life or meet someone who deserves you.

Staying for the sake of the kids is the worst reason for not going and you are deluding yourself to think so.

If he's got plenty of ready cash and investments you are hardly going to endure a life of penury should you split up.

End it and be done with it.

Original poster
xx51xx · 20/05/2014 14:03

I just think I'll be able to leave when the DC aren't going to be living here.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2014 14:03

He does not give a fig about your own financial problems because he neither loves or cares for you in the ways he should. Is this really how their Dad should behave towards their Mum?.

Between the two of you, you are really teaching your children a whole shedload of damaging crap about relationships, lessons which they could well go onto use in their own adult relationships.

What do YOU get out of this relationship now, what needs of YOURS are being met here?.

arsenaltilidie · 20/05/2014 14:06

So you decided to have separate finance.
You say he is a devoted dad.
And how did you manage to have an overdraft?

And his fault is he drags his feet when it comes to doing things he doesn't want or enjoy doing.

Unless there is a back story to this.
Maybe you are just not compatible.