Why do some people seem to have the monopoly on having a hard time?

[StegasaurusRocks]

This seems to always happen in any group friendships that I've been in, in that one person takes the role of the needy friend, and as a result all of the sympathy and support from other members in the friendship group is effectively drained, and there is then no support for anyone else who may occasionally need it.

I am currently part of a group of 6 friends; we go out regularly for drinks and meals, and meet up during the day for lunches and for coffee. I like them all and feel that I am a good friend to each of them. However one group member, I'll call her Jane, is always very needy and moans a lot. She seems to always be having a hard time of one sort or another, and to be fair it is usually things that happen to most of us at some point or another, or just day to day things that she makes a bit of a drama out of. Nevertheless I am still supportive towards her. I should perhaps add too that maybe 50% of our meet up time is taken up by listening to her moaning.

At the weekend, I was added to a facebook group conversation by one of the group, saying that it would be nice to do a collection for Jane and get her some gift vouchers as she has had such a hard time lately. The others all agreed that absolutely they would chip in and yes, it would be lovely for poor Jane, so of course I agreed to donate too. However, on reflection, actually I have had a hard time in the past year too, and although all of the group know of what has happened to me, it actually dawned on me that I haven't had anywhere near the level of sympathy and support that this woman has had, and I'm sure that they don't refer to me as "Poor Stegasaurus", or even give my problems any thought once I've mentioned them.

In the past year I have:

Lost a much loved pet in horrible circumstances.
Lost a family member to cancer
Had to deal with a dengenerative illness in another family member
Had a lot of problems with my teenage DC
Ended up on antidepressants because of a bout of depression because of the above.

By comparison, I don't actually think that anything big has really happened to Jane in the past year or so. She moans regularly about lack of money, arguments with her DH, being tired etc, but there is no big issue as such, just lots of little moans.

I don't wish to be an emotional vampire to people, and I do make the effort to be upbeat and fun when we meet up, but a bit of acknowledgement would be nice about my struggle in the past year.

I guess I just feel that Jane gets all of the support and sympathy and therefore there is very little left for any other group members.

It also happens on an online group that I am on; one woman constantly posting about little moans, and it all revolves around her to the extent that there is no support left for anyone else. It doesn't bother me as much online though.

Has anyone got any thoughts on the above please? Is this just the way that group dynamics work?

Self-absorbed, self-appointed victimhood is very tiresome, as you have discovered.

I'm not sure what you can do about Jane other than detaching yourself from the group or greatly distancing yourself from it.

Has anyone in the group ever commented that it's one tiny, trivial gripe after another but none of it adds up to total disaster deserving of such attention? I'd be tempted to be that person but then I'm known for being blunt and giving short shrift. It won't necessarily make you popular but it does give you peace from other people's invented drama and attention-seeking

I am so so tempted to point it out, Bitter but I know that if I do then I will be the bad guy. It's almost as if she's a child and the others have all taken her under their wing. So infuriating!

I often think it seems that she just uses us all as a sounding board for her problems and gripes, as she doesn't actually do anything for anyone as such.

She is in her mid thirties but is very pampered and spoilt by her parents. I think they do all of her dirty work for her, so she acts like a princess when anything in life isn't peachy and perfect, eg she has to pay a water bill, or someone opens their car door onto her car and makes a tiny mark.

I misread your title and came on to say that I thought the difficulty with Monopoly was the use of the houses and hotels.

As far as friendships go, I agree that it can be annoying. On the other hand, it does suggest that a) you're coping really well with all that life has thrown at you, b) your friends are kind, and c) you may not reach out for help as much but that if you did your friends would step up to care for you (perhaps in a way that suits you, if not the same way). Don't forget that you are one of the group of kind people too.

The problem is not Jane. Jane has the measure of your group and realises that self-indulgent whining gets her a sympathetic reception. The problem, if anything, is that you are not whining enough. If you make a big effort to be upbeat people will - understandably - think you are coping Ok and not in need of TLC.

Whine louder than Jane...

notnowImreading Although they are all really nice, I don't think that they would step up for me in the same way, as Jane is in the role of being the needy one. When I've spoken about any difficulties that I have had, I have just got an "Oh dear" type of response, and then it's been shrugged off. Of course, Jane also does Facebook statuses about how low or fed up she is, so maybe they take notice of those too?

Cogito, you are right, she has learnt that whining gets her what she wants. I don't think I could whine louder than her though tbh, she does really monopolise things.

There must be someone else in the group(s) that doesn't like Jane's creaking gate act much either. Maybe get that person onside? I'm in a group for a hobby and I thought I was the only one who found a particular person unbelievably bossy until a chance remark from one of the others! Now I feel part of a rebel alliance.. :) Huge fun.

'Jane' sounds ruddy annoying and yes I do know/have met people like this. Some of us try our best to keep our worries and problems as much to ourselves as we can for fear of burdening friends. Others emotionally sap your strength with their 'glass half empty' attitude and it is very draining. And it should be the case that if you OP mention something that is worrying you, it really is worrying you because you don't naturally moan.

The one thing I would say is - 100% you will not be the only person in your group of friends to feel like this. One day you will catch someone's eye when Jane is mid-flow and you will just know you are not on your own thinking like this.

Also I do think that pandering to this can make the needy one worse. So when it is all validated by you all with collections, endless sympathy etc Jane thinks 'I'm right, it must be bad for me' when in fact it isn't actually that bad.

As for what to do - haven't a clue, sorry, but I can offer sympathy!

I've got one of these. A proper Eeyore. I deal with it by complaining about her to one of our other friends but we do love her. I have pulled her up on it when she acts like nobody else exists and she did apologise. I also pointed out that because I use humour to cope with social anxiety I often come across as if I haven't got any worries, which of course isn't the case.

I have been in exactly this situation with a group of mums from a play group. One lady was like your Jane; indeed on my MN thread about her, I called her Jane! It drove me insane but I sucked it up, even did the buying her group flowers thing etc., commented positively on her attention-seeking Facebook posts because I really liked most of the others in the group and this was the path of least resistance.

We started arranging to meet a couple of the others for a cuppa/play in the park - there were 8 of us so it wasn't always easy to get everyone together anyway so simple to arrange 1 to 1s or small groups. I would do this with the ones I really liked to avoid my Jane a little more and still see them as much, not to start a 'rebel alliance' (great term
Cogito!) but a chance remark by one of the others who I thought was very loyal to Jane made me realise that several of the others felt like me (and probably not coincidentally were the ones with a similar outlook to me and the ones I felt I could be most friends with). We carried on with our rogue meet ups, gradually increasing the frequency of those and lessening our big group ones gradually but never said anything. It was occasionally mentioned by Jane but we just said things like "oh it was a bit last minute" or "we knew you already had plans". If she arranged smaller group stuff we would occasionally go rather than just ignore her. And then there came a point where something happened that allowed me to draw a natural line under my friendship with my Jane without any guilt. She realised she was losing my sympathy and acted on it slightly madly and I was able to just pull back completely.

The result about a year on is that I have 5 good friends who I see a lot without any one person dominating the group, and 3 who I never see any more, and no more of Jane's traumas to deal with. I think it worked out well for me. I would try a gradual detachment, seeing if you can take your favourites from the group with you

Do you think you could be a bit less sympathetic? I don't mean be a total bitch, but for example, try and point out 'the bright side' of things, or tactfully state that she's blowing a cat denting her car out of all proportion?

However, someone who is like this in their mid thirties is unlikely to change so I'd also start with the distancing too!

If friends are seemingly sympathetic/empathetic but are not so towards me I would assume they didn't think that much of me tbh.

I certainly wouldn't start whining louder than your ms needy if my friends had ignored difficulties because i'm not a whiner - not because I think it wouldn't work but that's the thing isn't it? You're probably being a good friend (not dumping on them too much etc even if you could/should) and they are responding by being a bit shit to you.

Sadly it seems lots of people are like this from what I've read on here.

Cogito I am loving the term "rebel alliance"! I'm guessing that there must be someone else that gets a bit annoyed with her. I'm never one for saying something against someone else in case it gets back to them, so I'm kind of waiting for someone to say it to me first, if that makes sense?!

Rousette I totally agree that pandering can make them worse. I think it definitely has in Jane's case. She seems to moan more and more because she seems to get more and more attention for it. Next time she moans I will try to catch someone else's eye and see if they seem fed up too. I am hoping that at least one of the others is annoyed with her.

Blithereens I like to use humour about these sorts of things too but Jane doesn't seem the type that would get what I was meaning. I think she is so self absorbed that she barely listens to anyone else. Love the term "Eeyore" for her LOL

evertonmint it sounds like it's worked out really well in your situation. Well done for distancing yourself from your Jane! I have been doing the same as you did; joining in with things and offering support on FB etc as it just seems the done thing in the group and, like you say, it's the path of least resistance. What did your Jane do that made you draw a line under the friendship, if you don't mind me asking?

mrscog I try to point out the bright side of things to her sometimes, but she just doesn't seem to listen to anyone. She is so full of talk about herself that I don't think she really takes in what anyone else is saying and so doesn't ever reflect on anything, iywim?

I think there is something about the way this is done that's interesting. Some people have a kind of quality that allows them to throw all of their personal life out on the metaphorical lawn. You could call it attention-seeking, or a lack of boundaries, or a need for love and care that goes beyond those worries about personal humiliation that hold the rest of us back, or something else. (I am not sure what it is!)

I have a friend that does it - she will literally cry and wail in public or on the phone - and there is a real immediacy about the appeal that people (especially, dare I say, women?) respond to. Some people are needed, others need to be needed - both of these positions can be a bit unhealthy. The trouble comes in a group when you get a situation like yours when, for reasons far beyond their control, someone switches roles from caregiver to care-requirer and there is no 'room' for them to occupy that position because of the constant and unfulfillable needs of the other person.

How about going around the problem of Jane, and getting straight to the problem of you? Instead of calling 'Jane' out (which will cause a scene, and likely be grist to her mill of endless victimhood), maybe arrange a meeting with one or (at most) two of the girls in the group whom you get on with best - explain to them that you're really struggling, that you don't want to bring it to the whole group, but that you really need a shoulder to cry on right now. They will feel special and confided in, and I am sure will be willing to listen. Leave Jane right out of it, and focus on what you need.

TheGirlFromIpanema that's exactly how I feel; like I've been a good friend to them all and that they're not offering me the same in return. Not that I expect something in return but you know what I mean lol. I guess it is a case of the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and because Jane has taken on the role of "Group Victim" it probably doesn't occur to them that anyone else will need support too.

I find these days that it seems to be the case that most people just look after number one. I notice that in general a lot of people are two faced, or will turn on someone at the drop of a hat because their friends are, or will take take take. There seem to be a lot of very selfish people.

Isabellavine you have hit the nail on the head! Jane definitely seems to lack boundaries and will literally bare her heart and soul in public if it means that she will get attention. She will often post, for example, details of an argument between she and her DH on Facebook, which most people would not dream of. She airs dirty laundry at the school gate too, and will talk to all and sundry about her problems.

That's a good idea about talking to one or two of the other girls alone about my problems, I may well give that a go.

I get amazed at some of the stories (including yours) when I read about friends on here tbh. I am lucky that I have some good ones

No Janes, No Wendys, No problem! It really must be luck of the draw I think. Most of my day to day mates are (or were originally) mum friends, work mates etc too. We even walk straight into one another's houses without calling first or shock, horror without knocking

Maybe you really should form the rebel alliance and all fuck off and just be no strings no hassle mates who support one another and leave the rest of them to fawn over ms needy pants

Sometimes there is a culture that develops with our friends with unspoken expectations about who fulfils which role. Jane is this year's rescue project!

But underneath this is deeper layer where this culture can be interrupted (in a planned way) to support others. Sounds like you have had a challenging year - and yes some validation of that would help bring you back together with your friends. Most people would need a bit of TLC after what you have endured.

Do not be surprised if there are others in the group who have also been playing 'superwoman' and quietly soldiering through their worries.

We are only human if we admit (from time to time) that we need support too.

Self-absorbed, self-appointed victimhood is very tiresome, as you have discovered.

YY. And you are not alone!

I have a friend who is always ill or being negative about something. We've been friends since school and she was always the same even then. Every day she either has a cold, cough, headache, is shattered, is fed up, is feeling fat, is feeling ugly, this hasn't gone right, that hasn't gone right. Every. Single. Day. It's especially prevelant on Facebook with her status updates, which to me are fishing for sympathy. Even my mum, who loves everyone (seriously if Robert Mugabe knocked on her door she'd make him a cuppa and say afterwards 'what a lovely man, so misunderstood'), has blocked her from her newsfeed.

When we meet it's basically 97% her moaning about the latest ailment or non-trauma in her life. For example she will get extremely upset when she spills a drink or if her daughter does a particularly large poo in her nappy. If her husband has booked her a night away as a treat she will say something like "I probably won't enjoy it anyway as the sea air always makes me too sleepy and I can't enjoy anything when I'm tired." It's draining and I've got to the point where I think "Why am I friends with her if I am so annoyed by her?". I've talked to her, asked her if she thinks she's depressed maybe, but she doesn't seem to be anything more than being an uber pessimist. Then again I'm not a doctor and can only go on the experience of close family members who've had depression.

I'll be watching this thread closely as I have been thinking of talking with her frankly about it.

Sorry forgot to say that my friend is seemingly more disinterested in my problems. My Dad died a few years ago and she was asking how I was after it. When I told her about the (extremely upsetting) job of clearing out his house and finding bank statements that dated back to 1992 (cheers pa!) she cut me off to tell me how her DD had ruined their bank statements by covering them in finger paint. The conversation kinda stopped at that point, she never said "Sorry carry on" and I thought if she can't be arsed listening I can't be arsed telling even though I really wanted to go on about it

In answer to the question 'why', I think there is a biblical precedent for this almost. The tale of the Prodigal Son, eg. The son who has stayed at home, and been 'good' is not acknowledged, whereas the fatted calf is cooked for the one who comes back. I think as you have said, it is possible to come accross as 'sorted' and not needing anything, when it is only that we don't bleat on about it. Also, I think this endless drama makes other people feel a bit better about their own lives (well at least my life is better than that sort of thing). Very annoying though, when someone is a Hoover, and sucks up all the air in the room. I find in my 50's I am tired of all that, and generally do one to one's to avoid it.

TheGirl LOL yes, I think I need to form the rebel alliance and leave her to it!

JohFlow I think the thing that makes me most annoyed is the fact that I've tried to tell them about what's been going on in my life, and they've sort of listened, taken it in and then shrugged and moved on. sometimes it's cropped up in conversation and they've mentioned it again but without giving me any sympathy or support.

ChippyMinton Your friend sounds exactly the same as my friend. How awful that she even ignored you talking about your dad :( When I see Jane she can never ever say "Fine, thanks" when asked how she is; she is either too hot (this morning on school run!), too cold, ill, tired, run down, pissed off, exhausted, upset, fed up, bored, etc etc. Jane's facebook statuses sound similiar to your friend's statuses too, and like you say, they are just fishing for sympathy or compliments. Jane is a size 8 and has a nice figure but her statuses will say things such as she is feeling fat or ugly or something along those lines. Just because she wants people to say she's gorgeous.

Parsley I think one to one's is a good idea. At least then you get to avoid that kind of sheep behaviour.

Perhaps it's the different nature of your problems that makes it like this.

Jane's problems are the kind of banal, everyday mini-dramas that everyone can relate to and that are easy to make sympathetic clucking noises over. You've had to deal with serious losses that perhaps not everyone can appreciate and that many people feel very tongue-tied about, not knowing what to say or fearing to say the wrong thing. Maybe they want to say something but you seem okay so they don't want to bring it up and make you sad, for ex.

Tbh if I were you I'd try to hang out in smaller groups and less with the whole group. How much fun can the big meetups be if half of it is about Jane's dramas.

x-post

Actually, if they're not showing you any support even when you are talking about things directly, and yet are clearly capable of giving support to Jane, I would be wondering whether they are really your friends. That seems really odd.

dreaming I think it's probably because Jane is in the role of group needy victim and they feel it's the right thing to support her but to support anyone else seems alien to them, if that makes sense?! I think too that Jane is good at being a drama llama and seeming emotional and upset. As far as I know, I am the only person in the group, apart from Jane, to have had any personal issues since we've all been spending time together. By that, I mean no one else has suffered any family deaths, or any family problems or anything like that. Like you say, I guess they can all relate to Jane's everyday moans but because my problems have been different they've just not bothered.

I am lucky in that I have had a couple of other friends that have provided me with great support, and I think until now that's why it didn't bother me hugely about this group being a bit shruggy about my problems. However, with all the "Lets get Jane a gift voucher" stuff, it made me think "Hang on a minute, I've been having a difficult time too".

Thinking back, there was something else about a year ago when Jane was moaning about having no money, when we all went out to dinner and one of the others engineered a little whip round to pay for Jane's dinner as she was "so skint". Yet Jane had on lots of brand new Topshop clothes that evening, so can't have been that poor!

Also, whilst I'm on a roll moaning about Jane, it really makes me cross when there are conversations that aren't about her problems and she will jump in and say "Well it's worse for me" or "Well you're lucky but I can't do that because of X or Y". And then of course we u-turn to being focussed on poor Jane again