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Original poster

New partner doesn't like condoms....

75 replies

heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:05

That's basically it. He's just what I've been looking for except that he has been asking if I'd consider getting a something fitted instead of using condoms and we've only been seing eachother a few weeks. I said no and that usig condoms is non negotiable for me. He then seemed a little disappointed, it was very late at night so we didnt continue the conversation and now he's away for a few days. we have stuff planned for when he's back, but his attitude is bothering me a bit. He seems so caring and thougtful in other ways. I'm wondering if i should just ditch him, or whether to talk when he gets back or call him about if while hes away?...

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 18/05/2014 16:07

STDs?

MrsMaturin · 18/05/2014 16:07

Ditch him. Why should you run the risk of serious infection because he doesn't like the feel of condoms. Tell him to grow the hell up.

SecretSpy · 18/05/2014 16:08

He is NBU to suggest an alternative.

And you are NBU to say no thanks lets stick with them.

I don't thinking asking is a dumping offence, but going on about it and sulking would be, IYKWIM.

You could consider both getting full STI screens before proceeding after you have been dating for a while longer, if you fancy changing what you are doing.

HerBigChance · 18/05/2014 16:08

Yes, it would be a deal-breaker here too.

Martorana · 18/05/2014 16:09

Depends. If he accepts that condoms are non negotiable and never mentions it again, then fine. If not, ditch.

Meerka · 18/05/2014 16:14

wait, don't ring him when he's away. Talk when he's back, or simply leave it for now and then talk seriously if he brings it up again.

At this point, using condoms is the only sensible option. Does he have the same aversion to the female condom? if not that might be a solution, it's not too bad once you get used to it. For the immediate future and mid-term future then condoms or femidom should be non-negotiable simply for safety reasons.

Longer term if he becomes a permanent thing would you consider other methods?

But for now, how he deals with the condom thing will be revealing of how he handles disagreements. Given he's so nice otherwise then I'd definitely let things develop and see how they go. If he can't handle this gracefully then it'd be best to let him go.

PoppadomPreach · 18/05/2014 16:15

Sort of agree with Martorana, though part of me thinks what a prick he is for suggesting that you should deal with the contraception (in a far more invasive way) and just being a grown up and wearing a condom.

In fact, the more I think of it, the more I think you should cut your losses now. Sorry.

WoodBurnerBabe · 18/05/2014 16:15

We didn't ditch them for several years, full STD scans each and a discussion about pregnancy. I was actually taking the pill as well, so double counting but condoms non negotiable until real trust has developed. If he gets an attitude, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:16

Wow, quick responses - thank you:)

I was thinking along the lines of secrectspy - ie if he goes on about it next time, then that's it. Also if we're still seeing eachother in 6 months or so, then consider going for tests.
I thin this seems to be more of an issue with oldet guys (late 40's and over ) from what others have mentioned to me. I think maybe I'll look a bit weak calling him while he's away to say it's been worrying me?!?

OP posts:
MrsDiesel · 18/05/2014 16:17

I hate condoms but if your with a new partner they are pretty necessary.

I agree with seeing if it comes up again, if it does maybe talk about a full std check and other options in the future but don't be pushed into something your not happy with.

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:18

Ah some crossed messages here. I'm reluctant just to end things as he's so nice in other ways. However I am a bit peeved he mentioned it

OP posts:
MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 18/05/2014 16:19

There are a few things to think about here.

1)STI screen non-negotiable if you do go down the pill/coil/implant route.

  1. It's your body that will be having the hormones/side effects etc. It would be very selfish of him to insist, and yes, a red flag.

3)Those Durex 'real feel' condoms are really good!

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:23

It's kind of taken the "niceness" out of seeing him ans I do feel it was a bit unreasonable of him to suggest him.

OP posts:
DoctorTwo · 18/05/2014 16:36

Many men don't like condoms but will wear them if it means they get laid. Refusal to wear a condom is a reason to refuse to shag him. And exactly what Martorana said.

Twinklestein · 18/05/2014 16:40

I think you're right that it was unreasonable to suggest it at this point. It's very early to be asking you to be responsible for contraception, or to have unprotected sex.

It's not very 'caring and thoughtful' not to think through the consequences for you (and indeed for him), and not to have the tact not to appear 'disappointed' when you said no.

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:43

Twinkle - you're right. The more I think about it, I'm thinking I will speak to im about it while he's away as the way I'm feeling atm I'm not really looking forward to the plans we have when he's back - and I should be! It's really put a dampner on things...

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 18/05/2014 16:52

If you are not happy with the pill or coil then condoms it will have to be. He doesn't like them well that's too bad. A lot of people don't. I wouldn't make a big deal of it or call him when he's away. Just say you've thought it over and aren't prepared to use any other method for the time being.

BuzzardBird · 18/05/2014 16:53

Sounds like he might have had a lot of unprotected sex

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:53

I should have added, I am on the pill, but i'm insisting on condoms becuase of STDs

OP posts:
Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:55

Fron what i understand he's not had that many partners as has had 2 long term relationships. However he said he didn't use condoms in his last relationship

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 18/05/2014 16:57

Well if his last partner was a virgin that will be fine.

BuzzardBird · 18/05/2014 16:58

If not then that is a lot of unprotected sex history iyswim?

littlegreengloworm · 18/05/2014 16:59

He's told you he's not had many partners. That doesn't mean he has.

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:59

She wasn't!!

OP posts:
Casmama · 18/05/2014 16:59

I think it depends on his relationship history- if he has been married for a long time or in a long term relationship and is recently back on the market then he may not be used to using condoms and not have thought things through properly.

I wouldn't phone him up while he is away to discuss it- he may have got the message loud and clear and not intend to mention it again.

Agree with others though that him bringing it up again soon or being huffy about it in any way would be a deal breaker.