New partner doesn't like condoms....

[heyho1919]

That's basically it. He's just what I've been looking for except that he has been asking if I'd consider getting a something fitted instead of using condoms and we've only been seing eachother a few weeks. I said no and that usig condoms is non negotiable for me. He then seemed a little disappointed, it was very late at night so we didnt continue the conversation and now he's away for a few days. we have stuff planned for when he's back, but his attitude is bothering me a bit. He seems so caring and thougtful in other ways. I'm wondering if i should just ditch him, or whether to talk when he gets back or call him about if while hes away?...

You should use condoms for oral sex as well. You can certainly catch stuff that way. Whether you choose to settle for detailed visual inspection and avoiding ejaculate, forget about it and risk your health, stay safer with a condom, or simply not do it until all tests are clear, is up to you.

... and this is why they make flavoured condoms & lubes!

I cannot imagine oral sex with a condom, sorry.

You don't need to apologise to me

Good lord- people on here can be really loopy! Reading through this, I am imagining a bunch of women at home, sitting on front of their computers, clutching their pearls at the very THOUGHT that he would even ask to go condom free!

It is not unreasonable at all for him to ASK whether you would consider an alternative method. He is not asking you to go cold turkey, or to take the risk, but just feeling you out to see whether something else may work for you both.

If you say no outright and he continues to press on, THEN AND ONLY THEN is he being unreasonable!

I personally hate condoms and was up to the clinic and tested with my (now husband) as soon as we had that chat. Which was about two weeks into sexual exclusivity.

Naturally, you need to get tested if you are going to pull the condom plug, and so does he. I would recommend getting tested now, anyway, as sti's can be caught through oral sex and mutual masturbation, and some sti's can get passed on even when using condoms (crabs, herpes, genital warts, sometimes but very rarely, syphillis).

Getting tested early and routinely is very important for both of you.

Don't ditch him for asking, unless he is a knob moving forward, which is doesn't sound like he is!

He has 2 choices. Be mature and use a condom or wait a year and several tests to ensure that both are clean... goes for oral as well, hence flavoured condom. Not all std`s show in the first few weeks. Some take several months to be detected.

I'm wondering, would people stop seeing someone is sti test wasn't completely negative? I mean, lots of people have herpes which is dormant in many cases or flares up sometimes, but it's not curable - would you drop a perfectly good bf/gf for that? Ok, if it's chlamydia he needs treatment which is available, but surely not all sti's are dealbreakers, even if not curable?

You can still become infected with STI's through oral sex, so no, I wouldn't be doing that until I had seen an STI panel result.

You could try with a condom but it's doesn't sound very enjoyable for anyone :S Even with a condoms done prevent transmittal of all STI's.

beagles Depends on which strain of herpes. Herpes simplex (or cold sores) would be fine. Genital herpes or anything else, yes dumpable.

If I never wanted kids (again or at all), I would be less likely to dump but they'd probably be wearing a condom 24/7.

Just to add- HIV can take up to three months from the date of infection before it shows up in a blood test. So you should wait until three months from the last time either of you had unprotected sex to have that particular test.

With regards herpes and genital warts, unfortunately, these are often only noticed during the periods when they are symptomatic (eg, someone carries the genital warts virus all the time, but may only have symptoms once or twice throughout their lives). Most sexual health tests include a visual examination, so that if either of these conditions are symptomatic, they can get treatment (not a cure) to reduce the risk of onward transmission.

Sykadelic- that's a shame. Also herpes simplex can cause a genital herpes viral transmission.

Sykadelic- that's a shame. Also herpes simplex can cause a genital herpes viral transmission.

No, beagles, I caught herpes knowing the risk. Luckily mine's very mild, but with hindsight I think my decision was a bit reckless. Mind you, I know couples where one partner has HIV. I think you work out what approach seems appropriate for you, using as much information as you can get.

I do think it's unforgivable to lie to a partner, if you know or think you might be infected. I'm a tad concerned for you, heyho, as this relationship is very new and you've already had doubts about his honesty. I recommend being very, very cautious whilst you're feeling vulnerable.

Also expatinscotland- he doesn't seem to see contraception as all her responsibility?!? He raised it as an issue for both of them to consider. This to me is an excellent sign of good communication and shared responsibility. Unfortunately, other than the condom, all forms of contraception are designed for women.

Well, he called this evening and had gathered from our texts today that i wasn't 100% happy - not sure how as i thought they were friendly and same as usual! He must be very perceptive! I did raise the issue and he wasn't really thinking about stds given out past histories. However he was fine when i said i'd continue using them until we later had tests. He even suggested having tests very soon!

Dental dams were the recommendation for safe oral sex when I was advising on the issue - dunno if that's still so? Supposedly more sensitive, and thus pleasurable.

That's good OP. If he is fine with your wishes and happy to get tested I think that's a positive sign.

Thanks Everything :)

Well done, OP :)

The problem with testing is incubation periods. For HIV it can be a few months (up to 6 I think). Even if he tests now, it could be some time until he is clear (assuming he doesn't have sex with anyone else in the meantime) and he'd have to test again later.

Just throwing this out there, with every partner I've ever had I've made them come to the GUM clinic with me and we both get tested for everything together. There have been a few refuse but that's their choice and then at least I know they're not for me. My mum basically drilled it into my head that everyone has hepatitis and HIV, which I know isn't true but better to think everyone does than no one does!

I think you should just see how it goes my OH doesn't like condoms and we stopped using them after a year in our relationship and that's how DS1 came to exists! Now he always wears them hah!

Sorry only read the first page! Good news you've decided to get tested together and happy he is happy about it!

Don't forget that you can get throat cancer from oral sex through the HPV virus.

HPV infection can also be spread through oral sex.

It can take up to one year for warts to develop after infection with HPV...

HPV is most likely to be transmitted to others when warts are present, but it is still possible to pass the virus on before the warts have developed and after they have disappeared...

Although condoms do not offer complete protection against HPV, it is still advisable to use them to minimise the risk of infection.

Full article bbc news

Hmmmm.

Some guys have genuine problems (ED etc) that are made far worse by condoms. It may be a real issue for him.

On the other hand, some guys are just assholes who want women to have all the inconvenience.

taking risks here
my boyfriend is 20 yrs older than me and is pretty sure yrs of fertility treatment with past partner that he is infertile (low sperm count and low mobility?)
condoms give me thrush and pill and anything containing hormones dont agree with me so we use the withdrawal method. very very silly !
nagging thoughts about getting a screening done at the g.u.m clinic.