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Original poster

New partner doesn't like condoms....

75 replies

heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 16:05

That's basically it. He's just what I've been looking for except that he has been asking if I'd consider getting a something fitted instead of using condoms and we've only been seing eachother a few weeks. I said no and that usig condoms is non negotiable for me. He then seemed a little disappointed, it was very late at night so we didnt continue the conversation and now he's away for a few days. we have stuff planned for when he's back, but his attitude is bothering me a bit. He seems so caring and thougtful in other ways. I'm wondering if i should just ditch him, or whether to talk when he gets back or call him about if while hes away?...

OP posts:
Casmama · 18/05/2014 17:00

Sorry lots of xposts

perfectstorm · 18/05/2014 17:04

Nobody likes condoms. Not many like most forms of contraception, truth be told. But that's the least invasive method... and the only one that's any sort of hassle for the man.

The fact he wants this is fine. Asking you, and especially this early, not. Selfish as buggery as well as asking for blind faith just so sex is better for him.

I'm afraid his raising it, so he can ask you to take all the responsibility and deal with all the risks of hormonal, is a red flag for me, yes. It's so fundamentally self-absorbed. Nobody has ever asked me, and I'd think it a nerve had they done so.

EverythingCounts · 18/05/2014 17:06

Agree with casmama. Leave it for now and if he doesn't mention it again, fine, if he complains further, say it's non-negotiable so you don't think you seem well suited to one another. But give him a chance to digest your decision.

beaglesaresweet · 18/05/2014 17:09

OP, it depends on his reasons, as far as whether it was ok of to ask (but not insist, obv). Many men who are 40+ but especially 50+ just can't perform with condoms as they don't have a libido of a younger men and they genuinely find it physically impossible to have intercourse for any length of time when 'constricted', which of course is no good for their partner either.

But if he has no problems in that department, and is just being self indulgent and inconsiderate - then YNBU to consider dumping, he may be an entitled idiot. Suggest to try a different type of condoms as recommended in the post above, to give him one more chance.

ALL but one my previous bfs (ones younger than 40 too), winged and whined about condoms, it's very tiresome, but mostly it's because there was that reason. I haven't felt like having flings for a while now as it's just a tiresome issue and only in LTR I'd be happy with not using them.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 18/05/2014 17:14

I have a question for those of you who say no condoms is a deal breaker. Do you routinely go for full std screening before you decide to start having unprotected sex?
I might be wrong but I'm imagining that there comes a time in a new relationship when a woman feels like she has got to know a man quite well and she decides to start relying on the pill/her coil only and ditch the barrier methods. But without an STD screening nothing has changed at all.

JeanSeberg · 18/05/2014 17:18

In that case you should definitely be insisting on condoms and insist on testing. His reaction will be interesting.

Why is he telling you that level of detail about past relationships?

qazxc · 18/05/2014 17:19

He isn't BU to ask about it but having got his answer he would be BU to sulk/trying to coerce you.
Wait and see how he acts next time you see him, maybe now he has his answer it's the end of the matter and you can carry on as you were.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/05/2014 17:24

When he suggested it did he also suggest being exclusive and having sti checks? Because that is not unreasonable. Ditching condoms without those other caveats - highly unreasonable.

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 17:54

He didn't talk about tests but yes re exclusive - he didn't use that exact word but talked about coming off the dating site and i know he hasn't been on since our first date

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 18/05/2014 17:56

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo - exactly. I'm in a fairly new relationship of just over 4 months. At around the 1 month mark we both had STI checks and ditched the condoms (I have an implant as well). Before that condoms were non-negotiable, although he did find it affected his ability to perform (well, finish) sometimes and we had to use a specific brand that he preferred.

JeanSeberg I don't see anything wrong with discussing that level of detail about past relationships with someone you are starting a new serious relationship with. Perfectly reasonable IMO, if you are having a sexual relationship with someone, to be comfortable discussing your sexual history openly and honestly.

So - not unreasonable to ask if you can use an alternative to condoms. STI checks first and grown up conversations all round - if you're comfortable with that. It would be unreasonable to sulk about it or not accept if you were not comfortable with not using condoms.

Congrats on a new relationship otherwise going well Grin

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 17:57

he seems very keen on me - suggesting all sort of things we can do/ places we can go , etc. Texts first nearly every day, calls some times, etc

OP posts:
Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 18:40

Casmama - i think that might be just it - ie he's simply not used to them. He's had 2 long term relationships, the last one ended 10 months ago. He's only been on a few dates since and i get the impression that he hasn't slept with any of (the 2 or 3) others

OP posts:
Itsfab · 18/05/2014 18:48

Condoms aren't very nice but neither is having a STD. No condom = no sex for me.

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 18:51

I agree, Itsfab. I'm not contemplating having sex without condoms at this stage. It's more a process of deciding if it's worth carrying on seeing him...

OP posts:
ALifeOfPie · 18/05/2014 18:56

as he has a history of unprotected sex then he could well be carrying something nasty. Definitely stick with the condoms till you are both completely sure it's long-term monogamy for both of you, then full health check, then if/when you do ditch the condoms get him to sign a contract stating that if he breaks monogamy and has uncondommed sex with anyone else resulting in a risk of STI to you, then you have his full permission to cut his balls off (probably a legally unenforcable contract but the act of signing it will help crystalise quite how important this is)

Itsfab · 18/05/2014 19:01

FWIW when I met a new guy I was on the pill and he was the one that suggested we go for STDs tests so we didn't have to bother with condoms. ie said what he wanted to do but was willing to do something about it and no pressure. I did do this but I am horrified now at how naive I was as he could have been sleeping with others behind my back.

IWillIfHeWill · 18/05/2014 19:09

Urgh. Whoever he's had before will have given in to his 'no condoms' request. How much do you want to sleep with her and her former partners, or their diseases? No. No condom, no sex.

EBearhug · 18/05/2014 19:23

I don't think he's unreasonable to ask, and you're not unreasonable to say no. I don't think you should ditch him yet - wait till he's back, and talk to him. Make sure you are sure of your limits, like not before 6 months, and not before you've both had tests. 6 months is not long if he's worth hanging on to, and if he's not happy to wait, then you'll have your answer, but at least you'll have given him a fair chance to go with your choice, and then you can discuss what's the best option for both of you together.

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 19:33

What are the opinions on oral sex too? Would you insist of a condom for that too? I'm also a little concerned as one of the times with new partner, the condom slipped off inside me - he hadn't come but i understand there is a small risk still

OP posts:
Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 19:33

What are the opinions on oral sex too? Would you insist of a condom for that too? I'm also a little concerned as one of the times with new partner, the condom slipped off inside me - he hadn't come but i understand there is a small risk still

OP posts:
VelvetStrider · 18/05/2014 19:33

STDs aside, not wearing a condom means that you will have to put up with lying in a wet patch or with a warm slimy gusset for the rest of the night. So he's basically asking you to accept hassle and discomfort for a small benefit for himself.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 18/05/2014 19:34

Agree with everyone else. I hate condoms, but the risks are too high these days. If he raises the issue again, you could say you'll reconsider after six weeks if you both get fully tested and are exclusive. Myself, I'd continue to use a cap & gel even after that - it offers some protection, though far less than a condom.

expatinscotland · 18/05/2014 19:37

Non-negotiable. He sees contraception as all your responsibility.

Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 19:42

What are the opinions on oral sex too? Would you insist of a condom for that too? I'm also a little concerned as one of the times with new partner, the condom slipped off inside me - he hadn't come but i understand there is a small risk still

OP posts:
Original poster
heyho1919 · 18/05/2014 20:38

bump

OP posts: